Chapter Thirty Eight

You would think that with the fact Ace had lost me for a sustained period of time, he would treat me better, or at least decently. But despite his persuasion and insistence on us getting back together, it was clear he hated me for leaving him. Once I had accepted his offer, once I was back in his house, he was mad as hell. He didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want to touch me but that suited me just fine.

I stayed all of the following day on Ace's sofa wrapped in a blanket while he stalked up and down in his apartment like a bear with a sore head.

All I could think about was Chris and whether or not he was okay. I tried to focus on the fact that I had done the right thing by him in the long term and that was why it hurt. Besides, he had Gordie. Gordie would look after him. The last thing I wanted to think about was the expression on his face when I had told him to leave.

At just over four pm, there was a knock at the door. I tensed, willing it to be anyone but Chris so I was only half nervous when I heard Gordie's voice.

"Where is she?"

"None of your damn business. And tell your fucking faggot friend that if he-"

"Ace, let him in." I came up behind him, still wrapped in the blanket. Gordie stared at me.

"NIna, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Go back inside!" Ace barked at me, giving me a shove towards the house. Gordie flew over the threshold and towards Ace his eyes blazing but I managed to get in the middle of them. With my back to Gordie, I turned pleading eyes on Ace.

"Please just let him in. I know you don't want me to go out so let him come in. He's my friend. Please."

Ace gave a scowl to first Gordie and then me.

"Well, if you've come here for a report you can tell your faggotty buddy that Nina's with me. She'll always be with me. And that's all there is to it. You got a half hour."

With that, he shoved Gordie aside and banged out of the front door.

Gordie watched him go then turned back to me in disbelief.

"Why in the hell are you doing this?"" Gordie sounded in shock.

I walked into the apartment with Gordie trailing after me and sat uncomfortably on the edge of the bed.

"How's Chris?"

"How do you think he is? I'm only here because he was trying to come over here."

I snapped back to attention.

"You can't let him," I said. "You have to make him accept it's over. We're just too different to make it work."

"You make him accept it! You can't hide forever. You've got to go back to school Monday."

"I'm not going back to school."

"What? Why?"

"Because there's no point." I tried to stay nonchalant and keep the sadness out of my voice.

"You cannot keep living like this," Gordie insisted. "You have got to stop running, You can't stay with Ace because you're scared of making something of yourself. And Chris won't stand for it. There ain't nothing that I could say to make him walk away and leave you here."

"Well, you're just going to have to think of something. I don't want to be with Chris and I don't want to go to college. That's that. If he comes round here, Ace will kill him."

"Well, he's killing you!" Gordie looked upset. "Is this what you want for yourself, Nina? You're doing so well in school. Hell, you could get into a great college and you want to swap it for this? For Ace?"

His words made me feel physically sick but he wasn't done yet.

"Look, I know I didn't get it at first but when I think about you and Chris, you make a hundred times more sense than you and Ace ever did. And I've never seen him like this over a girl, Nina. Not ever. Chris is loyal until the very end. He won't leave you here if he thinks for one second this isn't what you really want."

I was quiet for a long time.

"I don't think I like him as much as he likes me."

Gordie gaped at me.

"You don't mean that. I've seen the two of you together. You love him."

"I thought I did, just like I said i loved Ace. Being with Chris was different but it's not me. Its not what I want. What he wants is college but even if we got into the same one, I'd never be able to maintain my grades without his help. And doesn't everybody say that when you start college, you drift apart?"

"Forget Chris for a minute. What about you? What do you want? Do you want to be with Ace fucking Merrill for the rest of your life?"

"Yes."

"Has that arsehole threatened you? I will take a fucking bat to his head if-"

"He hasn't threatened me. I asked him back."

Gordie widened his eyes as if in slow motion.

"You're lying."

"You know what, Gordie? I'm not. And if you can tell Chris that for me, it'd save Ace bashing his skull in, alright? I'm staying right here. Permanently."

"You're out of your fucking mind!" Gordie tried to haul me to my feet. "Get your damn shoes on. You're leaving if I have to fucking carry you!"

I'd never seen him like this. He was wild, upset, out of control. I just felt tired.

"I can't go, okay, Gordie?"

"Yes, you can. You fucking well can. Come on!" He managed to pull me upright, before feeling my heart would break, I finally blurted it out.

"Gordon, I'm pregnant, okay? And it's not Chris'."

Gordie let go of me, the colour quickly draining from his face.

"Oh, shit, no. What are you talking about? Please tell me you're lying."

And when I shook my head, he started to cry. Miserable and terrified, I clung on to him while he sobbed into my shoulder, confirming everything that I'd known for the last twenty four hours.

My life was ruined.

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School was over for me. Even if I'd wanted to go, Ace wouldn't allow it.

Gordie said he would tell Chris the news and although I felt a coward for giving him the responsibility, I just couldn't look Chris in the eyes. The fact that I could hide in Ace's apartment made it a whole lot easier to avoid him.

On Tuesday, Ace went to work for Vince's uncle's removal company.

"Have to start earning some money with you staying here full time," he said. "Plus we're gonna need things, I guess. A bassinet or some shit?"

He was tucking in his shirt as he said this with no hint of a smile on his face. I lay quietly, watching him dress, not having the heart to respond.

"Do you want to have this fucking kid with me or not?" Ace snapped at me. "Are you gonna be even the slightest bit grateful I've taken you back and decided to be the father?"

It was hard to even string a sentence together.

"Of course I do…I just don't feel good," I said weakly.

"Oh." Ace looked uncomfortable. "That's normal, I think. You want some water? I could make you some cereal before I go?"

I tried to smile at him.

"Just water will be fine. Thank you."

Ace filled me a glass at the faucet and for the first time in three days reached down and kissed me on the forehead. His touch made me feel like I wanted to cry.

"Don't go anywhere, okay? Vince said he'll bring you over a burger at lunchtime. I'll leave the key for him outside."

"Okay."

Ace paused in the doorway, giving me a last look before he walked out.

"It's gonna be cool, Nina. It's all gonna work out okay."

And then he was gone, leaving me to sob into the pillow.

I hated myself. I hated myself for what I had done to Chris, for what I had done to Ace, for the look on Gordie's face when I had told him that i was pregnant. And this baby? This baby would be brought up a Merrill when it was possibly a Chambers. What kind of a person was I?

I was crying so hard I didn't hear the key in the lock. The noise of the door closing startled me, but I kept my face in the pillow, anxious to hide my tears from Ace. He was trying. I had to be grateful for that.

"You forget something?" I tried to sound as normal as I could while keeping my back to him.

"Did you?" came a voice that definitely wasn't Ace's.

I snapped around and gasped to see Chris standing in the living room. He looked a mess, his face was tired and drawn and it took all the strength I had not to rush at him and hold him close.

"What are you doing here? If Ace finds out-"

"Ace just left in Mr Desjardin's removal truck. He'll be gone all day. I saw where he left the key."

Chris came closer and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to stroke my hair.

I hated that he wasn't angry at me, that he wasn't yelling like Ace had. That I could deal with. I started to cry again, thrusting my face into the pillow.

"Is it true?" His voice was strained as he continued to stroke my hair. "Are you pregnant?"

I nodded miserably into the pillow and he reached for me and gently turned me onto my back.

"Is there no chance at all that it's mine?"

I wanted to tell him there was every chance. I wanted to tell him that I wanted it to be more than anything. But I couldn't speak. I had made a deal with Ace and I had swore on my mother's good name I would never tell anyone the baby wasn't his.

"Nina, if there's any chance that it is-any chance-you have to tell me. I can go to college anytime. What I want is to be here with you."

And now I could never tell him the truth. Never tell him that the baby could be his and let him sacrifice everything he had ever worked for.

"It's Ace's," I whispered, trying to convince myself as well as him. He closed his eyes painfully.

But when he opened them, his face was determined.

"I don't care," he said. "I'll take care of you both."

"Chris…" I finally lost my resolve to stop crying and broke down into tears again. He leaned down and scooped me up, pulling me tight against his chest.

"I'm here, Nina. I won't leave you, I promise."

His words brought me back to my senses and I pushed him away.

"The baby is Ace's, Chris. The right thing to do is to stay with him. He's my family now."

The pain in his eyes was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

"You don't mean that…"

"Yes, I do. It was a nice dream, okay Chambers, but it's over now. So go to college, get on with your life and forget about me."

"I could never forget about you."

"Well, try." My voice became hard. "Now get out of here before someone finds you."

His eyes were searching my face in confusion.

"Don't talk like this, Nina. You don't have to let him scare you. I won't let him hurt you or the baby, okay? I don't care about college, or Ace. The only thing I care about is you."

"Well, if you care so much then leave me alone! Let me live my life the way I want to, with the baby's real father."

I think he would have looked less pained if I'd slapped him.

"This is really what you want?" He croaked.

I nodded as firmly as I could trying to hold back the tears.

"Okay then." He stood up, looking disoriented. "If this is really what you want, I won't stand in your way."

And then he was gone.

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