Chapter Thirty Nine

It was as bad as everybody had imagined it would be.

The Cobra's all looked like hoods even in their suits. Sunglasses and hangovers were the trend of the day. Greased hair and a permanent slouch was the general attire.

Fran helped me get ready. She styled my hair and she did my make up. She even held up my veil while I puked in the back room of the church. She asked me once-but only once- if I was sure I wanted to do this, but I nodded stoically, hands going down to my swollen stomach as if to remind myself who I was doing this for. Fran nodded her understanding before she stepped aside and let me leave the room.

Gordie did show up even if he refused to give me away. He sat solemn faced and alone in the back pew and I couldn't look at him, just in case his eyes persuaded me to change my mind. He looked as if he were at a funeral not a wedding, bent over almost double, his head in his hands for the majority of the service.

I walked down the aisle alone and tried not to imagine Chris Chambers waiting for me at the end of it. Instead of Chris, I got a red eyed Ace Merril who grinned at me wolfishly, as if to say 'you're stuck with me now.'

The priest began his marriage vow spiel and I zoned out. The only part I kinda came around for was the whole 'speak now or forever hold your peace' bit. I found myself almost hoping that someone would speak up- Fran, Gordie- some sign from the universe that I was making the hugest mistake of my life. Nobody spoke. And I became Mrs Merril.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for myself, I cried for Gordie's sad face, I cried for the baby, and I cried for Chris.

Ace was surprisingly supportive after the wedding. Don't get me wrong, he was still a miserable bastard most days and still went drinking with the guys too often. But he tried. He hated the 9-5 life but he didn't complain out loud about working for Mr Desjardins. He took me shopping in preparation for the baby. By shopping, I mean he willingly handed over his money, stood outside the mall smoking and then carried my things to the car. But these were big steps for Ace.

But the day I stopped resenting him for everything was the day our son was born.

Ace was a jumbled mess when my water broke. He cursed out loud and he yelled at me when I panicked. He drove too fast to the hospital and then he told a nurse to fuck herself when she told him to put out his smoke.

I asked him to call Fran as they wheeled me into a delivery room and he did as I asked. Fran arrivied within the hour and I had never been so glad to see her face, calm and business like, as she rolled back her sleeves and wrapped one of her tiny hands in mine.

I cant say I even thought about Ace as I panted and groaned for the next six hours but when my son was finally in my arms, Fran brushed back my hair and kissed my cheek.

"I'll get Daddy in here, shall I?"

The words were the most bizarre I had ever heard. Ace Merril? A Daddy?

Ace looked almost nervous when he came into the room. He ducked his head as he made his way to the bed and then seemed to take a breath as he peered over at me to look into my son's eyes.

I felt the way a cat owner must when a mother cat peers suspiciously at the runt of a litter and the owner is unsure if she'll nurse it or eat it.

But then his hardened expression melted into something I'd never seen in him before.

"It's a boy?"

"Yeah," I said. "Michael Merrill. What do you think?"

Ace didn't answer but his hand stretched towards us and he used two fingers to touch Michael's cheek.

"You like the name?" I prompted.

He shrugged.

"He gets my last name, guess you can pick his first."

"You wanna hold him?"

He withdrew his hand awkwardly.

"Come on, you can do it." I reached up to hand Michael over and Ace looked for all the world like I was handing him a ticking grenade. Michael looked unfazed by it all and on seeing this, I saw Ace's face break into a smile; not a smirk, not a grin, but a complete and utter open smile. It was then that I suddenly felt like things would work out.

Ace wasn't my Prince Charming but I could tell by looking at him that he loved our son. And that was when I knew I had to try and forget Christopher Michael Chambers.

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I only saw him once before I left for college.

Gordie didn't talk to me about him because he knew that I didn't want to hear it, but it was impossible for me not to hear that Christopher Chambers had gotten a full scholarship to Berkley. The town was buzzing with the news. Even Eyeball seemed proud of Chris, although he got a full on punch from Ace when he mentioned it in front of me.

I already had Michael in his coat when Ace stirred one Saturday morning. Michael was seven months old, a smiley healthy baby with deep blue eyes and a slow shy grin.

"Where ya going?" Ace's voice was heavy with sleep. It was early and he'd worked a long shift.

"Just to the store. I wont be long. Go back to sleep."

"Not gonna happen with you thumping around like that," Ace grumbled. But he still pulled himself out of bed, crossed the room to the apartment door and helped me lift Michael's pram down the front step.

Penny from the laundrette was passing as we stepped outside and she let out an undignified giggle as she spotted Ace wearing nothing but his briefs.

Ace gave her the finger, which I shoved aside.

"Don't, Ace. Michael's here."

"So? Not like he knows what it means. Do you, bud?" Ace was waving his middle finger in front of Michael when I rolled my eyes and wheeled the pram away.

I was coming out of the general store as he approached.

He looked lean and tanned, his relaxed walk instantly familiar to me, the rising sun glinting off his blond hair.

There was no time for either of us to pretend we hadn't seen the other, and while I probably would have walked on by if I'd had the chance, Chris' manners got the better of him.

He slowed as he approached, almost blocking the sidewalk.

"Hey, Christina, how are you?"

I slowed down myself, my hands tight on the prams handle and tried to stop my heart pounding out of my chest as my eyes met his. I remembered those eyes watching me from across a crowded room, recalled his rosy lips pressed against mine, remembered his strong hands wrapped around my waist.

"Hi." My voice sounded squeaky and unnatural. Had he always been this damn beautiful?

"So-uh- congratulations and all- Gordie tells me he's a real firecracker." Chris stepped forward as if he were going to peer into the pram but I jerked it and Michael back towards me.

"He's asleep," I said hurriedly, and then to fill the awkward silence."Congratulations to you, too. Hear you got a full ride to Berkeley."

It was his turn to look awkward. He rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. something that seemed almost coming home just by watching. I missed his thoughtful look, the way his brow creased and his eyes glazed over. I missed all his mannerisms when I thought about it; his slow smile, his deep chuckle. I missed his voice too, the masculine deepness of it, the way it grew gentle when he stayed me with his eyes.

"Thanks," he said softly.

There was a moment when neither of said a word.

We stood there, a married mother and a soon to be college student- wondering how our lives had turned out so differently when we'd once been so in sync. At least that's what I was thinking.

"So when do you leave?"

"Saturday."

Despite not having seen him for over a year, the reality of him leaving town hit me like a sledge hammer.

"That's soon."

I said it without thinking and he glanced up, surprised at my comment.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

"You know, I-uh- I'm sorry. For how it all happened. I didn't handle it very well."

He shrugged, shielding his eyes from the sun, it's light making them more impossibly blue than usual.

"What's done is done. I forgive you."

And he did. He absolutely did. I could see the sincerity in his face, hear it in his voice.

"Thank you, I better be getting back anyway so I'll see ya." I wheeled the pram by him, biting my lip to avoid saying something I would later regret.

"Nina?"

Slowly I froze and then turned back around.

"Yeah?"

"Are you…okay? Is Ace treating you okay? Gordie says he is but I figured you'd tell him that even if he wasn't."

"Ace has been good," I told him. That wasn't a lie. For him, Ace had been real good. But I never felt special or listened to. I certainly didn't feel adored. Not like I had been when I was with Chris.

"I'm glad to hear it. You take care now." He gave me that slow sweet smile of his and as my heart ached, I realised I was nowhere near over him.

It took all I had not to run after him. Not to throw my arms about his neck and tell him there wasn't a day that went by that something or someone hadn't reminded me of him.

But that would be selfish. That would mean loving myself more than I loved Chris and watching his college dreams go up in smoke, I couldn't do it.

I looked down at my content little boy, stretching out in his pram, and I swallowed my tears.

Thank Christ, he was leaving. I wouldn't have to bump into him again for a good long while. Maybe by then I wouldn't care.

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When Michael had turned one years old, I went back to work. It had been a fight of course. Originally, Ace hadn't believed that wives should have jobs and didn't want 'his wife' being leered at by the customers.

"The only person I'm going home with is you. Ace. Let 'em stare." I'm not sure if was my words, or the sex that we had after that convinced him but he grudgingly said yes.

Ace didn't mind staying home a couple of nights a week with Mikey and we definitely needed the money. I actually enjoyed talking to other people again and the work was much more enjoyable than it had been when I was in high school.

Gordie got into the university of Oregon in Eugene which meant he wasn't too far away. He got into three more colleges too and said that he stayed in Oregon because it had the best creative writing program. Secretly, I think he stayed because he didn't want to be too far away from me and Mikey.

Ace and Gordie came to an uneasy truce once Mikey was born. It was clear they didn't like each other but the arguing stopped. When Gordie came home on weekends or on college break, he either hung out with me and Mikey at home or visited me down at the diner. Ace would usually make his excuses if Gordie showed up and go out drinking with his Cobra buddies.

The Cobra's kind of disbanded over the years. Ace 'went straight' so to speak so although they still hung out, they didn't regard themselves as an official gang anymore.

One night when Mikey was around two years old, Eyeball turned up at our place. By now, we had moved into a run down two bedroom house not too far from where Stan lived. Stan wouldn't even look in my direction once I was Mrs Merrill so it didn't bother me too bad.

"Hey, Ace, you got a minute, man. I need to talk to you?"

I could tell the minute Eyeball showed up he was up to no good. It was written all over his face.

Ace was watching a football game and didn't look too happy with the interruption.

"Calm the f-" Ace took a breath and looked over at Mikey who was carefully building a tower out of his bricks in the corner of the room. "Calm down, would ya?"

Eyeballs tense face looked at me and I narrowed my eyes. I dont think Eyeball ever really accepted the idea that Ace was a family man now.

"Christina, would you take the kid outside?" Ace asked me.

Knowing Ace didn't want to leave the football game, I grudgingly scooped Mikey up and took him outside. Mikey wasn't too happy about being separated from his bricks but once outside he was happy to crawl after his football.

I sat in the doorway with the door cracked open just enough to hear what was being said inside.

"So all's we gotta do is drive the stuff back from Astoria." It was Eyeball's persuasive voice but what I was interested in was Ace's response.

"You know I've never touched that shit."

"We'll barely go near it. They'll dump it in the trunk of your car and we'll drive it here. All you gotta do is drive."

"So why's it need two of us?"

"In case it gets ugly, man. We don't know these goon dock guys."

"Exactly. This sounds like a fucking set up to me. Who would pay that much money for a fucking driver? Who says they'll even pay up?"

"Joey Donald, that's who."

I pushed back my hair nervously. Joey Donald was an ex convict a few years older than the Cobra gang. Joey had been kind of like Ace's idol growing up. He was a harder meaner version of Ace if that was even possible and I knew, as Eyeball did, that Ace wouldn't wanna seem like he was punking out if Joey was involved.

"Since when are you and Joey Donald so close?" I could hear the resentment in Ace's voice.

Ace was a good father and hell, maybe even a good husband, but he couldn't deny that he missed the excitement of danger on occasions. If anything was going to tempt him back, it was a deal involving Joey Donald.

The whole time I'd known Ace I'd turned a blind eye to his dodgy dealings. I knew he had to pay the rent and I accepted that he wasn't a 9-5 guy back then. But that was before Mikey. I had no intention of letting him get caught up in whatever Joey Donald and Eyeball were cooking up.

Picking up Mikey, I walked into the bedroom and put him inside his crib. He started wailing as soon as I put him down.

Striding into the living room, Eyeball cut off his sentence as soon as I entered.

"Whatever shit you and Joey Donald are getting into, you leave Ace out of it!" I jabbed Eyeball hard in the arm. "He's not a fucking Cobra anymore so grow the hell up."

I knew it would put Ace's nose out of joint but I didn't give a shit in all honesty.

"Would you mind your own fucking business?" Ace snapped at me. "Go and see to the kid."

"I mean it, if you do whatever it is he's asking you to do, I'll fucking leave, Ace. I swear to God."

"Chill out, Nina." Eyeball rolled his eyes at me and gestured to Ace with a 'what the hell,' shrug.

"I will not chill out!" I yelled back. "Who's gonna chill me out when you two are rotting in a damn jail cell?"

"Chambers, just leave, would ya? I'll call you tomorrow." Ace gave Eyeball a shove towards the door and while I was satisfied at Eyeball's crestfallen expression, nothing prepared me for Ace's anger once he was gone.

"Are you out of your fucking mind? Who the hell do you think you are talking to me like that, woman? If I wanna rob every bank from here to the East Coast, I'll damn well do it. You think you own me? You think I owe you?"

"No, but you owe your son!" I screamed back. "You want him to be like you were, visiting his dad every other sunday in a jail house? Is that what you want?"

It must have been the mention of his father that did it but Ace went absolutely crazy and proceeded to smash our TV to smithereens while I screamed. We hadn't had a fight like this in years.

After he crashed out of the house, I sat down on the porch outside and cried. It was all too much like my own childhood for me to bear. Except I loved my kid and I wouldn't let anybody hurt him.

Hearing Mikey's cries from outside brought me to my senses and after cleaning up the mess in the living room, I went into him and picked him up, rocking him until his cries faded.

It was three o clock in the morning before Ace returned home and I could smell that he'd been drinking as soon as he climbed into the bed. I turned my back on him but once he was settled, he slung an arm around my waist. I pushed it off angrily but he wrapped it around me again, pulling me close, close enough that I could smell it was whiskey he'd been drinking.

"Stop all this fucking shit, would ya? I told Eyeball I ain't doing it."

My eyes went wide and I allowed him to pull me even closer, pushing his stubbled cheek against mine.

"Really?"

"I said so, didn't I? Gimme a kiss."

I kissed him on the lips and his hands slid to my thighs.

"What about Joey Donald?"

" I told Joey myself. I got a kid to think about. I ain't having him visit me in jail."

I wonder if he'd told all of that to Joey or if Joey had just gotten a 'no thanks' from Ace. Not that it mattered. The point was he wasn't doing it.

"You did the right thing."

"Maybe. But I swear to God, Nina, you ever talk to me like that again in front of people, it won't just be the TV I smash to fucking pieces."

I ignored the fact that he was threatening me as he was kissing me and tried to remain grateful for the fact that he loved Mikey more than his pride.

Three days later, Eyeball Chambers and Charlie Hogan were all over the news for being part of some big heroin importation scandal.

Ace handed me the newspaper in silence one afternoon and we watched our son play with his toys on the living room floor, realising just how close he'd come to living the rest of his childhood without a father.

But the strangest memory also came back to me. Of Chris Chambers at Milo Pressman's junkyard calling back to me:

"Someone's gotta keep Eyeball out of jail."

Not even Chris was capable of that.

Eyeball and Charlie went down for a ten stretch. And Ace never mentioned pulling a job again.

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