Chapter Forty One

We headed down the lane, side by side, not quite touching, in a comfortable silence.

It felt like decades since we had been together, and at the same time, like time hadn't passed at all.

I remembered walking with my small hand in his big one, his coat about my shoulders, his arm around my waist. I remembered feeling free and hopeful and loved.

I felt safe in his company, even in his quietness, and so we walked with no real destination in mind, enjoying the fresh air, both of us afraid to break the silence and ruin the mood.

Finally, we cut through Folly's Field and sat down on an old wooden bench on the far side. It seemed like I'd lost track of all time despite my reservations about leaving Mikey.

We sat still not saying anything for a while. Then Chris finally said:

"I've missed this."

I glanced sideways at him, trying to control my quaking legs as I admired his handsome profile. How had I ever managed to snag someone as beautiful as he was? And why on earth had I given it up?

"Missed what?"

"This. Being here. Being together. Not having to talk."

"It's been a long time," I said.

"Yeah." He stared off into the darkness.

"So, you got a girl waiting for you back in California?"

"No." He shook his head and I glanced up in surprise at his fast response. "I mean, course there's been girls, but just like before, you know. Nobody special."

I hated him for telling me that. For letting me know that I'd been the only girl who'd been special to him. It would have been so much easier to have known that he'd found someone else.

"Are you happy?" He asked.

I pondered the question for a while. Was I happy? Yeah, I guess most days I was. Mikey made me happy. And thanks to Ace neither of us ever went without. I liked my job, I was working towards a career, and Gordie was back home.

"Yeah, I guess I am."

He nodded slowly.

"I'm glad you and Ace went the distance."

I turned and stared at him and he caught my look of disbelief.

"What?"

"No, you're not," I said.

"Sure I am. For the kids sake."

"Sure." My mind found it's way back to Mikey and I stood up. "I need to get back."

"Wait a minute." I wasn't prepared for his warm hand on my skin or the electric that buzzed through me when he touched me. "Don't go."

I sat back down.

"What are we doing?" I asked quietly.

He took a while to come up with an answer.

"I'm not a home wrecker. I know Mikey comes first and I know our ships sailed. But can we just sit here a while?"

I didn't answer. But I sat. I stayed. And it wasn't until the sky began to grow light at the edges that I finally stood up. He didn't try and stop me this time. Instead, he imitated my action, stretching out stiff limbs that had spent the best part of the night sat motionless beside me. Without a word, the two of us left and headed back to the Lachance's.

Chris didn't stay for breakfast despite Mrs Lachance's encouragement. He said he had to check in on his folks before returning to California.

We both forced a smile as he said goodbye to Gordie and Mikey and left me again.

Life had taken us on different paths but it was clear to both of us that we were still in love. Still as crazy in love as we had been the last time we'd seen each other. But the dice had been been rolled differently to the way we had hoped.

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I carried an unusual amount of guilt with me after Chris left.

I knew we hadn't done anything that counted as cheating but even the fact that we both knew how the other felt seemed wrong. The fact that we'd sat side by side that night wishing that the sun wouldn't come up. That I'd returned to my son and to Ace as though nothing had changed. And in one way, it hadn't. But in another, everything had.

I decided I had to try harder with Ace. I was more attentive, I cooked him his favourite meals and I praised him for his time with Mikey. Ace didn't show much appreciation for theses things but they helped to ease my guilt somewhat.

It was hard though.

Ace bought Mikey a toy boat home one day with the intention of sailing it at Mckenzie River.

"It's too rough there," I said. "Let's fill the bath tub up."

Mikey and Ace looked at me with equal disgust.

"The bath tub, Mama?" Mikey stuck his lip out. "I'm not a baby!"

So of course I went along with their plan but the whole time all I could remember was being in a boat with Chris Chambers, of lying on the bank in soaking wet clothes laughing ourselves silly.

I had to take an exam for my book keeping class. I sat at the diner on a quiet Tuesday evening trying to drum the information into my head as I worked through the questions. But all I could remember was Chris withholding kisses until I got the questions right.

He was trying to pull his sternest faces but there was a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"I swear, Willis, no more of the good stuff until you finish that worksheet."

"Cut it out," I laughed, reaching up to try and kiss him on the lips.

He turned his head away.

"Nope. Unless you do another question, it's not happening."

"Fine." I shrugged and picked up my coke. "You're the one who's losing out anyways."

"I think we're both losing out," he said.

Our eyes met in a heady challenge and he slid his fingers over my arm in a way that sent chills running down my spine.

He leaned in closer, breathing hotly on my ear before he said;

"I want you so bad."

"Then let's go," I whispered back. "Study can wait."

His hands tightened around my forearm, he used his other hand to brush my hair away from my neck and then he said in a low voice:

"Finish the damn sheet, babe. Finish the sheet so I can take you home and show you how much I want you."

I wanted to tell him to go to hell. I wanted to say to him that he couldn't withhold sex because I wasn't finishing my homework. But then my resolve weakened as I thought about how thorough he was with his promises.

It was the fastest I had ever finished my math.

"Nina? Table four wants a refill?" Fran was standing quizzically over my table when I came to. "You look like you're concentrating pretty darn hard."

I blushed and apologised, sliding out of my seat to see to table four. But the memory of Chris followed me round all night.

It seemed like once he was back on my mind, his ghost hounded me in Castle Rock. I saw Becky Chambers everywhere I went- the once fresh faced little girl was now a know it all teenager with the same movie star good looks as her brother.

I ended up behind Mrs Chambers in the post office queue one day while I was buying stamps, and she raved on and on about how well her boy was doing in law school to Mrs O Shea behind the counter.

Mikey was tired and he got impatient and started complaining some. To which Mrs Chambers turned around and smiled at him.

"I'm sorry, honey, I'm done now."

I wandered if she even remembered that Chris and I had dated. She always seemed to be happy to see Ace when we were together.

"He's a beautiful boy," she told me. "I always knew Ace would be a good father one day."

I awkwardly smiled my thanks.

"Do you know my Daddy?" Mikey asked her innocently, and Mrs Chambers smile was just as innocent.

"Very well," she responded.

Maybe even better than you think, I responded silently.

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