Chapter Forty Two
It was about a year later that I got the news.
I was sitting at the dining table helping Mikey with a puzzle. We'd been at it a little while. Mikey's face was screwed up in concentration and we were both startled a little by the phone ringing.
"I'll be right back, keep going," I said encouragingly, standing and wiping down my hands on my jeans. I crossed the room and lifted the phone from it's handset.
"Hello?"
I almost dropped the phone when the other person started to speak, my hand flying to my mouth, my knees going weak. But after seeing Mikey's worried face peering over at me from the table, I recomposed myself and ended the phone call.
"What's wrong, Mama?"
"Nothing, sweetie," I said, furiously redialling. "You finish your puzzle."
Gordie drove me to the hospital after Fran picked up Mikey. Gordie was tense too. He tried to make small talk on the way there but I wasn't in the mood for it. I was out of the car before he had time to park it and I was in at the reception almost instantly, giving his name and trying to hold back my sobs.
I knew it was bad when a doctor came out and took me into a side room. Gordie kind of trailed in after me although I cant remember what he said, what I said, or anything really until the doctor started to talk.
"I'm afraid he was involved in a head on motorcar collision. We did everything we could but he passed away a few minutes ago."
It was clear from his words that the last time I had seen him would be the last time I would ever see him alive.
And as the world swam out of focus, and Gordie made a grab for me before I hit the floor, all I could think about was the first time he ever spoke to me.
"Where you going, doll? You want a ride?" He had slowed his plymouth right down alongside the dirt track and I gave him a look of distaste. I knew the Cobra's gave Gordie a hard time and I wasn't interested.
"What's the matter? Rather die of heat stroke than get in?"
"Yeah, that's exactly it." I carried on walking. The road was throwing up dusty smoke that filled my nose and mouth and clung to the back of my throat.
"You've got spunk, " Ace said approvingly, still keeping the car steady beside me, chewing on an ever present tooth pick. "I like that in a woman."
"What do you mean, woman? I'm a girl, you creep. How old are you anyway? Like twenty?"
He brought the car to a squealing stop.
"I'm 18, baby, and age ain't nothing but a number."
"A jail sentence is nothing but a number too. A high one if you get caught with a minor."
"I'm not looking to bang you, it's just a ride home. You want one or not?"
I'd looked at my reflection in his sunglasses, how my hair was slick with sweat and my face looked flushed and shiny. Nobody in their right mind would be trying to pick me up looking like this.
"Just a ride home?"
"That's all, I swear. Unless you want to check out the back seat with me?"
"Hey, listen-"
Before I could yell at him, he was grinning at me again and i realised he was yanking my chain.
He popped open the passenger door and nodded at me.
"Come on, doll. Get in."
As I slid my backpack onto the floor of his car and buckled my seat belt, I gave him the once over.
"It's Christina."
"What's that?"
"My name. It's Christina."
"Okay." He slid the car into gear and pulled off.
"You not gonna tell me yours?"
"You know what my name is."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because everyone knows who I am."
I sighed, exhaling loudly, but I couldn't argue with him. He was right. Everybody knew Ace Merrill.
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The day's passed in a blur.
If not for Fran and Gordie, I dont know what I would have done. The two of them took care of everything; Mikey, the house, even the funeral arrangements. I nodded mutely as they told me of their plans, blankly pointing at suit options, caskets, and all the rest of the shit that I knew wouldn't matter to Ace.
Mikey, the poor kid, seemed to take it all a lot easier than I had.
"Don't be sad anymore, Mama. Daddy's in heaven with God now."
I squeezed him to me, breathing in his hair, wondering at how well he'd taken it all.
In the nights eading up to the funeral, Gordie stayed on the couch.
There were bottles and bottles of booze sent to the house by Ace's friends. When Vince Desjardins had turned up with a bottle of whiskey the night before the funeral and we'd placed it in the ever growing stash of alcohol, Gordie had lost his rag.
"What the hell is with all these jerk offs? You don't even drink, for Christ's sake!"
"What were they gonna send for Ace Merrill? Flowers?" I said despondently.
Gordie pushed back his hair and sighed.
"I guess not."
Gordie was a true friend while he stayed with us. He was there when I had nightmares, there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, took Mikey out when I needed space. On the day of the funeral, he even travelled in the hearse with me and Mikey, holding both of our hands throughout the service.
The Cobra's returned in full force minus Eyeball and Charlie, who were still rotting in Oregon Penitentiary. I was greeted with heavy hugs and teary eyes from those who had considered Ace their eternal leader. And all of it felt- so fucking false.
The priest who stood there and talked about Ace as a father and a family man, as though he had known and liked Ace, not chased him and the Cobra's out of the churchyard every Saturday night for shooting at beer cans out there.
Even Fran and Gordie hated him, although they were both there for me and Mikey and that I could understand.
Everybody who gave their condolences to me seemed like they were just there to be nosey, to come and get their look at Ace's farewell to the world.
When I stood at his casket, seeing him asleep as I had so many nights beside me, it didn't feel real. Besides what everybody thought- Fran, Gordie- Ace had been good to me. He had stood by me when I had been in trouble and he hadn't even known if the baby was his. He had quit all his dodgy dealings and stood up and been counted as a husband and father. Was he perfect? No of course not. But he'd done everything he had with the constant nagging doubt that my heart always belonged to somebody else.
And that was what was killing me. Ace could have had his pick of girls, but he had chosen me. And my heart had been with a Chambers boy the entire time.
I held Ace's cold hand for a long time, ignoring the long queue behind me, and when I was finally ready to let him go, I kissed his cheek and whispered a thank you to him. I could never repay him for what he'd done for me and Mikey. Never erase the fact that he knew he was my second choice but he shouldered it anywhere.
After that, everything was kind of a blur. The burial, the wake at Irby's, all of it passed me in a hazy stupor.
Fran took Mikey home with her. Gordie drove me home. Once we were inside, I cried for almost three hours straight until exhausted, I finally took a deep sobering breath and said:
"Gordie, get me a drink."
Gordie who had been sitting with his arm around me for the entire time, I'd been crying looked relieved to be able to do something.
"You want water?"
"No. I mean a real drink."
"But you don't…" he trailed off, staring at my stubborn expression. "What'd you want?"
The two of us sank a bottle of whisky between us that afternoon. I remember laughing and crying, sometimes simultaneously. We talked about every memory we had together, starting with Ace and moving right back to kindergarten when we'd first became friends.
It seemed like we were the only two people in the world as we sat drinking in my living room.
"You're my best friend in the entire fucking world, you know that, Lachance?"
"Fuck, Willis, you are wasted." He found this hilarious. "I miss drinking with you."
Gordie had never been able to call me "Merril' and it pissed Ace something off furious when he had heard Gordie use "Willis'. It was almost comical now.
"Well, enjoy it while you can. Tomorrow I go back to being sober and dull."
"Only sober. Never dull," he said seriously. "You're gonna be okay, you know that?"
"I know."
We were both startled by the knock on the door. By the realisation that the world outside was still ticking by without us.
"Who the fuck is that?" Gordie asked.
"I don't know." I swiped at my smeared eye make up. "Whoever it is, get rid of 'em."
"Sure." He got up and went to the door. I heard his muffled cry of surprise and then a few seconds later he came sheepishly into the room.
"Who was it?"
"It was Chris. I told him you weren't ready to see anybody yet."
"Chris Chambers?"
"We know any other Chris'?" Gordie demanded.
Instantly, I was out of my seat and heading for the front door. When I opened it, his broad back was walking away but at the sound of the door unlocking he turned around.
We stood looking at each other for a while before he started walking back towards the house. He stopped a few yards from the door.
"Hi," he said. He checked my face over like he used to do, his eyes full of concern. "I didn't know whether to come and see you, or if you'd want me to stay away. I just wanted to…"
He couldn't finish his sentence and I couldn't find any words to respond. So instead, I stood back and held open the door for him.
After a brief moments hesitance, Chris stepped inside.
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"So how are you doing?" Chris perched uneasily on the edge of the couch and I could see why it might be uncomfortable for him. This was Ace's house. Mine and Ace's marital home.
"I'm good. Get Chris a glass, Gordo."
As Gordie went into the kitchen for another glass, Chris gave me a sympathetic look.
"I'm sorry about Ace, Nina."
"No, you're not."
I was angry at him, maybe not for hating Ace, but for being here and not being able to hold me like he had when my mother died. I mean, maybe he would have, but it wouldn't have been right. Him being here wasn't really right.
Chris' eyes widened with their usual boy scout innocence.
"Sure, I am, Nina. I wouldn't have wished this on you or Mikey for anything…"
At the mention of Mikey's name, I started to cry.
Gordie came back in holding glasses and a bottle of something and seeing me in tears, he glared at Chris.
"What the hell did you do to her? It's taken me all day to cheer her up!"
"By getting her drunk?" Chris snapped. "How much has she had? She doesn't even drink anymore!"
Gordie was pretty wasted too but maybe not as much as me.
"Tell me something I don't know, Mr Big Shot Lawyer. I been here the whole time while you swanned off to Cali. She's not your girl anymore, Chambers. She's somebody's widow."
The silence that followed felt long enough for a bathroom break.
Gordie and Chris were having a noiseless stand off while I threw back my drink and picked up the bottle to refill it.
"Hey, Gordo?" Chris didnt break eye contact with him.
"What?"
"Hand me that glass."
When Gordie wordlessly handed Chris the empty glass, I handed over the whiskey. Chris poured himself a large glass and without adding a mixer held the drink up to eye level.
"To Ace Merrill."
Gordie nearly spat his own drink out.
"Really?" He glanced at me apologetically. "No offence, Nina."
"Really." Chris repeated. "He's raised a great kid and he did the right thing by Nina in the end."
I clinked my glass against both of theirs.
"Hey, you know what we were talking about earlier?" I suddenly remembered. "You remember Jensen Brady?"
"How could i forget?" Chris said sarcastically.
"Well, his old man lost all his money in some stocks deal that went wrong. Jensen got kicked out of college. He's working over at the factory plant now."
"No way!" Chris guffawed.
"And the best part? Jennette dumped him as soon as she realised he was broke. Married some douche bag politician from New York."
"Now that's Karma for you," I said.
"You remember when we kicked the shit out of the football team?" Gordie snorted. "Teddy's friend, Gerry, was like a one man army. He must have taken on four of those bastards."
Chris laughed along and then grimaced as he took another swig of his drink.
"I thought beer was bad. This stuff tastes like shit."
"Grows on you," I said. "Pick something else if you want. There's practically a liquor store in the kitchen."
"Yeah?" Chris stood up and followed the direction I'd nodded in.
"Holy shit!" He yelled from the kitchen. "Are we gonna drink all this?"
"We're gonna try," I called back.
As Chris examined the bottles in the kitchen, Gordie gave me a quizzical look.
"You okay with him being here?"
"Sure, why not?"
"I just thought it might be….weird."
"It is weird. But it's all weird. It' not like this is a normal kind of day."
Before Gordie could answer, Chris wandered back in carrying a bottle.
"How about some rum? Never tried it before but theres something very Pirate-esque about it. What'd ya think?"
"Are you really gonna get drunk with us?" Gordie asked him.
Chris shrugged.
"Sure, why not? I'm almost a lawyer- which figures I'll end up a drunk anyway- and if I have to try it at some point, why not today with two of my oldest friends?"
"Oh, this is too good to be true," Gordie said gleefully. "If we're gonna do this, we'll do it properly. Nina, you got any cards in here?"
"Playing cards?"
"Of course, playing cards. Let's get some drinking games going."
Chris looked at me in askance and I shrugged and went to find some.
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Gordie passed out first.
He lost a lot of games which meant he got the most drinking forfeits despite the fact that he was desperately trying to get Chris drunk. It wasn't really working. Despite having put away as much as me, Chris' behaviour hadn't altered.
Gordie crawled onto the sofa at some point and passed out. Chris and I played for a little longer, and I could have sworn he was folding on purpose, because all of a sudden, he became a really bad card player.
"D'you think I've had enough?" I finally asked him.
Chris was concentrating on his cards and glanced up, startled.
"Huh?"
"Is that why you're letting me win?"
"I'm not letting you win."
"Whatever you say." I tossed the cards into the centre of the table. "So what's your story, Chambers? You come back just for the funeral?"
"No." He started picking up the cards. "I came back for you."
His words hung in the air and I stared at him. He coughed awkwardly, realising his mistake.
"I mean, I came back to see if you were okay."
"Are you satisfied I'm okay then?" I threw back my drink even though we weren't playing anymore.
"No," Chris said. "But you will be. I guess I better get going. You want some help cleaning up?"
He pushed back his chair and I shook my head. My stomach made a squelching sound and I realised I hadn't eaten a thing all day.
He started picking up the glasses and bottles anyway so I let him. It was only when I stood up that my head began to spin and I felt unsteady on my feet. I moved quickly towards the bathroom and crouched in front of the toilet, vomiting several times before I paused, gasping over the can.
"You okay?"
It was Chris' voice from behind the bathroom door. I pushed my hair back from my face and tried to force back a sob.
"Sure. I'll be out in a minute."
"I brought you some water," he said.
The tears exploded after that and I sat with my arms wrapped around the toilet seat, crying for all I was worth.
I would never see Ace again. Never wake up to his snoring, or his warm arm slung across my waist. Never see him smirk at me or hear him call me 'Doll'. Mikey would never really know his daddy, and probably wouldn't remember him very well either.
It was so unfair. So fucking unfair.
"I hope you're decent. I'm coming in," Chris called, easing the door open.
I continued to sob as if he wasn't there and he let me. He didn't talk, just slid down the wall beside me, bringing his knees up to his chest to fit his long legs into the small space. He put a comforting hand on my back while I cried and cried until I was exhausted.
"I'm sorry," I gasped between sobs.
"You got nothing to be sorry for."
"I cant believe I'll never see him again. That Mikey will never see him again."
He didn't answer, but kept the comforting hand on my back.
"I know you didn't like him, Chris, but he was good to me, good to us. He loved Mikey like there was no doubt his entire life…."
My body stiffened as I realised my drunken ramblings had gotten away from me.
"No doubt of what?" Chris' hand wasn't on my back anymore.
Shit. Why had I fucking said that?
"N-nno doubt that he loved him…" I lied weakly, reaching for some tissue paper and wiping my face so I could hide it.
Chris didn't answer for a long time.
"I don't think that's what you meant, Nina…"
I stood up and turned my back on him to face the sink.
"What are you talking about?" The panic put aggression into my voice. "Don't tell me what I meant! It's been a long day and I've had a lot to drink…"
"You're not sure, are you?" He interrupted sharply. "You don't know if he's mine or Ace's?"
I spun around angrily.
"I cant believe you're doing this now! The day of Ace's funeral, of all days!"
"I can't believe we're doing it at all!" He yelled back. "How the hell could you keep this from me?"
"Just get out!" I gave him a shove. "You shouldn't even be here!"
He stood his ground, thrusting out his chin stubbornly.
"I am not going anywhere until you tell me the damn truth! I walked away last time because I trusted what you told me. But not this time- It's not just about us anymore. If he's mine, I have a God damn right to know!"
"He's Ace's! By blood or by heart, Ace is his dad! Now get out of here, okay? Just leave!"
"Or by heart? Which means he could be mine by blood? Nina, this is so fucking unfair and you know it!"
"What's going on?" A groggy Gordie appeared in the doorway and for the first time, I could see that the alcohol had had an effect on Chris.
"Why don't you tell me, huh? Were you in on this too?"
"In on what?" Gordie looked confused.
"Just get out, Lachance, this is between me and Nina," Chris stated furiously. He took hold of the bathroom door and closed it on Gordie before bolting it shut.
"Are you crazy?" I yelled at him. "Ace is dead! Barely fucking buried and you wanna talk about whether he was Mikey's father?"
"Yes. I am not letting you out of here until you tell me everything. You owe me that much at least."
"I don't want to talk about this today," I sobbed, dropping my head onto my chest. "Not today! "
Chris seemed to get a hold of himself and stepped forward to try and embrace me. I gave him a hard shove away and he sighed and ran his hand through his short hair.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? This isn't fair of me, I know. Not today. But you have to talk to me, Nina. Tomorrow? Meet me at the diner at lunchtime?"
"I have Mikey…" I started.
"I can take care of Mikey. I said I'd take him fishing," Gordie said through the door.
Chris turned around and scowled at the closed exit before looking back at me.
"Promise me you'll come?"
"Okay."
"No, promise me, Nina. Promise me you'll be there?"
"Okay, I promise! Just go now. Please."
Chris nodded before drawing the bolt back and coming face to face with a stunned looking Gordie.
"What part of 'this is between me and Nina' did you not understand?"
Gordie snorted.
"She tells me everything anyway."
"Well, did she tell you I might be Mikey's dad? Did you know?"
Gordie met my eyes over Chris' shoulder and shook his head.
"No, she didn't tell me."
Chris stood still a moment, as if trying to measure Gordie's innocence.
"I really hope not, Gordie. I'll see you later."
After Chris left, I put the toilet seat down and sat on it, dropping my head into my hands. Gordie reached up and put his hands over the doorway, leaning his weight against it.
"So is this true then? Mikey could be Chris'?"
I nodded miserably.
"And you didn't tell me because…?"
"Because you would have told Chris, okay?"
Gordie thought this over.
"Yeah, you're right, I would have told him. Because it would be the right thing to do. Whoah, Nina. I can't believe you kept this a secret."
"Mikey is Ace's kid." I said this stubbornly.
"In one way, I guess he always will be. But they both deserve to know. Chris and Mikey."
I groaned, covering my face.
"Did Ace know about this? That he might be Chris'?"
I nodded bleakly.
"Man, he's a better guy than I gave him credit for,"" Gordie marvelled.
I didn't need to hear that right then.
"I forgot how bad drinking makes you feel," I said, leaning over toward the sink.
Behind me, Gordie chuckled.
"You're gonna feel a whole lot worse in the morning," he said.
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