Chapter Forty Five

"You got mail." Gordie tossed an envelope on the table. "From Chris."

I glanced up at the name and hurriedly picked the envelope up from the table. Gordie smirked and took a slurp of his coffee.

"You seem kinda keen."

"Oh, shut up and drink your coffee."

It had become kind of a ritual now, Gordie ribbing me once he'd brought in the mail. Chris' letters came like clockwork, twice a month. The first one always had a check in it. The second usually had something for Mikey. It had been fou months since I'd seen him. And I missed him. I missed him like crazy.

"Mrs Harold was giving me the evil eye this morning," Gordie said as he poured some more cereal into his bowl. "Hey, you want some more, buddy?"

When Mikey nodded, Gordie poured a generous amount into his left over milk.

"Well, you're not helping matters by going out there without a shirt on," I grumbled.

Gordie had moved in after Ace died. What had started as an informal arrangement became permanent when Gordie had to go home to get a change of clothes one day and suddenly said:

"You know what? This is stupid. Why don't I move in?"

"What?" Me and Mikey both looked up from the game of snakes and ladders we were playing.

"You heard me. You could use the help, and the money. I'd rather be here than my parents. Makes sense don't you think?"

Rather than kick Mikey out of his bedroom, Gordie and his dad had worked to partition off one end of the living area, effectively making the house a three bedroom. It was unorthodox, we knew, and Mr and Mrs Lachance had had their reservations but anybody who knew us knew that we were like brother and sister. And I needed Gordie now.

I had been three persons behind Mrs Lachance at the supermarket when I'd heard her telling off one of my neighbours for gossiping about Gordie living with me. She hadn't known I was in the line and I hadn't made myself known to her. I stood there quietly, a slight smile on her face as she told Mrs Daniels that she should be ashamed of herself talking ill of a young widow, and that her son was like family and had stepped in to help out.

Gordie set his coffee cup down.

"Ah fuck 'em, let 'em stare."

"Language!" I snapped, staring at Mikey, who looked up at me and grinned.

"I know what bad swears are, Mama," Mikey grinned.

While Gordie tried not to choke on his cornflakes, I hurriedly unfolded Chris' latest letter to avoid answering.

Dear Nina,

How are you doing? Say hi to Mikey and Gordie for me.

It's getting hot here, not the best weather to have to wear a suit for court work. I'm at the beach when I have the time but that's not all that often. Between bar work and school it's been pretty crazy this end.

Eyeball is up for parole next year apparently. He thinks I'll be able to get him out somehow but that would mean him keeping his mouth shut and not getting in any trouble for the next six months. I'm not holding my breath.

I'm sorry I havent been able to get home before now but I have some time off coming up next weekend. Maybe this is kind of assuming of me but I spoke to Gordie and he said you need some time out. He's happy to look after Mikey next weekend so you can have some down time and come to visit. I could show you Berkeley and we could check out the beach. No funny business, you can have my bed and I'll take the couch.

I won't be offended if you say no but it'd be great to see you.

Your friend,

Chris.

I looked up from the letter long enough to glare at Gordie. He avoided my eyes, clearly knowing he was in trouble before he picked up the envelope and gave it a shake.

"Look, a postcard from Chris, Mikey. It's a picture of the beach, isn't that cool?" Gordie handed the postcard over to Mikey's eager hands. "And look what else? A bus ticket? You going somewhere, Nina?"

I used the letter to whack him on the arm while he laughed.

"So you're gonna go, right?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh, come on, he's been to visit you. You owe him."

"Well, you go and visit him then!"

"I've been to see him every year. I get that you couldn't back then but you can now. What's the problem?"

"I can't leave Mikey."

"What are you talking about? We'll have a guys weekend. Watch some football, play some baseball out back. Eat junk food. What do you think, Mikey? If Mom goes away, we'll have fun, right? Guys weekend?"

"Yeah, guys weekend!" Mikey yelled happily. He knocked his spoon out of the bowl, spraying the table with milk.

"Hey, little guy," I said, 'be careful over there. Go get dressed if you're finished."

When Mikey pushed back his chair and left the room, Gordie gave me a serious look.

"Listen, Nina, you should go. You haven't had a break since the kid was born. Not a real one."

"I don't want a break," I said.

"So take him with you. Chris would be stoked. The kid can use some fun."

"It'd be too weird," I shook my head. "How would I explain to Mikey why I'm staying with Chris? It's bad enough with the neighbours asking questions about you."

"So go on your own, " Gordie pressed. "Me and Mikey will have a great time, I swear to you. And I know you miss Chris. I see it on your face every time you see his writing on an envelope."

"No, I don't. I just don't get mail from anybody else."

"Look, it's okay. It's allowed. I miss him too. It doesn't mean you miss Ace any less. It doesn't make you a bad person."

I could feel tears welling up in the back of my throat but I busied myself clearing the breakfast things and didn't say anything else.

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He was leaning against the bus shelter by the station when I stepped off the bus. Tall, lean and as handsome as ever, I couldn't help the way my stomach flip flopped when he smiled at me.

Our arms naturally went out to each other and while I had intended on giving him a friendly hug, he scooped me up and swung me round, lifting me off of my feet. It wasn't seductive in any way, it was natural, carefree, and I felt young again.

"Hey. I wasn't sure if you were coming." He grinned at me as he set me on my feet and I tried to shake off the excited feeling of his toned torso pressed against mine.

"Didn't have much choice seeing as you bought me a darn bus ticket."

"Was worth it if it got you here." He took my bag from me. "How was your your trip?"

We chattered between us as we walked down the side walk to a taxi stand.I felt strangely nervous now I was here, in his territory, somewhere I'd never been before.

He opened the taxi door for me and he slid in after, pointing out landmarks and buildings as we drove. He smelled so good I could barely concentrate and i could feel my legs trembling ever so slightly when his thigh touched mine.

We got out of the taxi on a store lined street in the Northbrae neighbourhood of Berkeley. Chris paid the taxi and hoisted my bag onto his back, leading me to a doorway between a thai restaurant and a bookmakers.

"Are we eating or putting a bet on?" I asked but he shook his head with a smile as he pulled out some keys.

"We can do both if you want. But thought you might want to put your stuff down and get freshened up first."

The door opened onto a spiral staircase and a loudly painted red hallway.

"You live here?" I asked, following him round to the bottom of the metal stairs.

"Uh huh. Be careful with your footing. My room mate Marty almost broke an ankle while climbing up here drunk."

I stopped with my hand on the rail and he looked back at me and smiled.

"Don't worry, he's made himself scarce for the weekend. I'll sleep in his room and you can have mine."

Chris' apartment was clean and orderly. He told me he rented it from a guy he tended bar for, and between them he and Marty just about covered rent. Marty was a college drop out who smoked a lot of grass and was paid a monthly allowance by his father to 'stay the hell away'.

Chris showed me around. The bathroom was plain and worn, the kitchen was the same, but it was all clean. I wondered if he had made a special effort since he knew I was coming, or if he was always this tidy.

Marty's room was a technicolour headache of purple, green and red. It stank of marijuana and was an absolute bomb site.

Chris' room was the opposite. White walls, neatly made bed, a rail of neatly pressed shirts, ties, trousers and jackets in one corner next to a chest of drawers. On one wall, he had a collage of photos- faces I recognised- Becky, Lily, Eyeball, his Mom. There was even one of his dad up there. There was a picture of Gordie and Chris at high school graduation, another of Chris and some friends at their college graduation. I felt a twinge of resentment that I didn't have a space up there but was glad there were no girls there either.

He caught me staring.

"You know, I was wondering…if I might have a picture of Mikey?"

He looked so hesitant I tried not to laugh. Instead, I reached inside my purse and dug out my wallet. There was a picture of Mikey laughing, his blond curls badly in need of a haircut but his blue eyes as piercing as ever.

"Here." I handed it to him and he took it reluctantly.

"Are you sure? Do you have another copy?"

"I have plenty of pictures," i said. "And the real thing."

"That's true," he smiled, looking down at Mikey's picture. He took down a photo of Eyeball and removed some of the tack behind it to use on Mikey's picture. Then he stuck them both back on the wall.

"You getting on better with your old man?" I asked, staring at the one solemn faced pictures of Mr Chambers on the wall.

"He gets on better with anyone who isn't in swinging reach," he shrugged. His eyes lingered on the photo. "My Mom says he's sick. They don't know how bad, they're still running tests but I think the booze is finally getting the better of him."

I put my hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry."

He smiled at me, that faint and gentle smile that lit up his handsome smile.

"Don't be."

I studied the pictures some more and then looked around the room again.

"This place is great," I said. "You're really out on your own here."

"So are you," he shrugged.

"Not really. I have Fran. I have Gordie. I haven't gone anywhere."

"Well, I guess that was kind of the point," he said. "To start again where no-one knows me."

"Well, you did it."

"I guess I did…you wanna stay here a while? Or shall we go out?"

"Let's go out," I said excitedly.

Berkeley was something else. I couldn't get enough of the sights and sounds of somewhere that may as well have been on a different continent. There were people of all ethnicities, more coloured people than I'd ever seen in my life and everything moved so fast, I was almost dizzy.

Chris seemed to take this all in his stride, stopping for a few minutes to talk to a black guy at a hot dog stand. He introduced me as one of his oldest friends, and the hot dog vender, a tall powerful looking man with unusually soft eyes, shook my hand and told me it was a pleasure.

We finally stopped at a bar a block away from Chris' apartment.

"What can I get you, Mr Attorney at Law?" A bearded guy behind the bar appeared and gave Chris' hand a familiar shake.

"Gerry, this is my good friend, Nina. She's visiting from Oregon."

Gerry gave me a good imitation of a smile that was probably closer to a snarl with his missing tooth at the front.

"Due to get that fixed," he said, closing his mouth hurriedly. "Bar fight, you know. Good to meet, you, sweetheart."

It was buzzing despite not being crowded and there were huge signs everywhere signalling that it was happy hour on cocktails- two for one. I smiled a greeting at Gerry and turned to Chris.

"You want a cocktail?"

Chris was sliding onto a bar stool beside me. He gave me a bemused smile.

"You don't drink."

"Doesnt mean you can't have one."

"Two cokes," Chris told Gerry.

We had barely had a sip when we heard a loud voice behind us.

"Ay! Chambers!"

My back was to him, but I saw Chris' expression falter somewhat.

"Hey, Marty."

"Christina, right?"

I turned to see a red headed guy with longish shaggy hair and a 'Make Love, not War' t shirt on.

"Hi," I smiled at him and Marty took a theatrical step backwards.

"Whoah, you're even prettier in person!"

I swung back to look at Chris who was wearing a forced smile but looking like he wanted to kill Marty.

"In person, huh?" I grinned. "As oppose to…?"

"What are you doing here, man?" Chris stepped off his barstool and shook Marty's hand, giving him an extra hard thump on the back.

"Just passing through, Bud. Didn't know I'd see you here. Danny and Paulie are with me…over there…hey guys!"

The next hour was monopolised by Marty and his friends, who were in many ways hilarious. Paulie was in law school with Chris, they;d also done pre law together (it was through Paulie that Chris had met Marty). Paulie's family owned an italian eatery in San Francisco Bay. He did great impressions of his uncle, who he suspected to have mafia links. Danny was the quieter of the three. He was a trainee accountant and drove a cab in his spare time. He told real funny stories about the things he had seen and overheard in his taxi.

I was having a great time.

It was so good to be with Chris again- a Chris that wasn't being hounded by school, the police, or the small minded people of Castle Rock.

"So tell us about Mr Chambers, then," Paulie said. "He's always kind of a mystery to us. We got nothing but jokes out of his friend Gordie. We were hoping to grill his folks when they came for graduation but then his Mom got sick."

Chris averted his eyes when I looked at him. I knew his mother getting sick was a lie. Maybe his father had got drunk, maybe his parents had refused to come. Maybe Chris hadn't even invited them.

"There's something you should know about Chris," I said, as if I were about to divulge a huge secret. "The most interesting thing about Chris is… that he's boringly uninteresting."

The guys started to laugh and I saw the relief cross Chris' face. He gave me a grateful look and I winked at him.

At closing time, Marty wrapped an arm around me and steered me toward the exit. He was a little heavy handed on account of him being a little out of it.

"So…after party at ours, Nina?"

Chris rapidly removed Marty's arm from around me and gave him a friendly shove.

"Ours is mine for the weekend, remember? And you belong to Danny for the next 48 hours."

"Lucky me," Danny groaned.

Marty grumbled away before holding his hands out in surrender. They all said their goodbyes in the street and I laughed as they walked away, pushing each other like teenagers.

I threaded my arm through Chris'.

"Home?"

"Whatever you want," he said. "Sorry about the guys. They're a lot sometimes but they're good people."

"They're great," I said. "And I'm glad i got to meet your friends."

We started walking towards his apartment.

"And it's okay it's just us? i mean, we can catch them up if you wanna hang out as a group?"

I laughed at him.

"Nah, I think we're good."

Satisfied with that, he didn't say anything else, but a couple of seconds later he bravely let my arm slip out of his arm and wrapped his fingers in mine.

I looked up at him and this time, he looked at me head on.

"Is this okay?"

I nodded, a bit dazed, but I couldn't deny that the feeling of my hand in his, felt right. Like it used to.

He didn't venture beyond holding my hand, instead he talked about his friends, about college, about some cases he had supported on. I listened quietly, realising how different our lives had been for the last four years.

When we got in, I sat on the couch and he rooted in the fridge for something to drink.

"There's one beer in here. We could share?" He said apologetically from the doorway. "Sorry, I didn't think you were drinking anymore or I would have got some in."

"Beer's good," I said.

He came in with two glasses and we sat at opposite ends of the couch for a moment.

"Here, come with me…" He suddenly stood up and held out his hand. Spellbound, I looked at it and then looked up at him. He chuckled.

"Come on, you can trust me."

I knew I could. I let him pull me to my feet and then lead me to the front door.

"Are we going out?"

"You'll see," he said, leading me out into the hall and then towards a door tucked behind the spiral staircase. He opened it and led me out onto a roof terrace. From here, we could see the entire neighbourhood.

"Wow," I breathed. "You can see for miles."

"When it's light if you lean over and squint this way," Chris peered over the edge of the roof "you can just about see the ocean."

"The ocean?"

"Yeah. I can take you tomorrow if you want? Here…sit down." Chris rolled one of two sun loungers towards me. "Don't ask me where these came from but I think Marty might have stolen them."

"I like him even more now," I laughed, lying back on a lounger.

Chris pulled one over next to me and lay down too. We were quiet as we lay back and looked at the stars.

His hand reached over for mine and I let him take it, our arms hanging loosely between the sun loungers.

"It's so different here," I said. "The air, the smells, the noise…even the stars look different. You ever get homesick?"

"Sometimes," he said. "More people, than places."

I sighed, thinking about Mikey and the life that we had built in Castle Rock. I thought about Ace; the smirk that I missed so much, the security of knowing he was there.

"Yeah, I miss people too," I said.

We lay in the silence for a long time until Chris asked if I was sleepy. I said yes and the two of us went back out to his apartment. In the doorway of his room, I turned hesitantly to him and called goodnight.

Chris came close to me, took my shoulders in his large hands and kissed me softly on the cheek.

"Goodnight, Nina," he said. And that was that.

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