Chapter Forty Nine

It was a long time before i felt able to get out of bed. After the funeral, where I had managed to come out of my bubble for a short time, I remained in a valium induced stupor for the best part of the next month. Chris' Dad died from an alcohol related illness a fortnight after Chris had been killed but I was at least spared a third funeral due to the fact I had never really known his Dad.

I called Marty and asked him to send me the newspaper coverages of Chris' death. It was the one productive thing I was able to do and I spend hours poring over the words, trying to discover something I might not have understood about what had happened to him.

Chris was in a pizza place queuing for food. Two guys got into an argument ahead of him. Chris, who had always made the best peace, stepped between them. He was stabbed in the throat and died almost instantly.

At first I was raging at him for being such an idiot, for risking himself without considering the consequences- for him, for me, for Mikey, for Gordie. Just to help a stranger out. But then when the anger gave way, I grudgingly realised that that was the kind of man I fell in love with. Someone brave and generous and gentle. He could talk a crying kid right out of a grazed knee injury, he carried crabby Mrs Walters bags home whenever he saw her, despite the fact that she was the Chambers neighbour and pretty much distrusted all of them, even him until very recently/ If he hadn't been the kind of guy who stepped in to ease a conflict, would I even have fallen in love with him? The thought kept me awake for weeks.

My book keeping course got pushed aside and I stopped going to shifts at the diner. I spent my days in a blanket on the couch, only occasionally disentangling myself from my cloak of misery for Mikey who didn't understand what was wrong.

The only people i ever saw were Mikey, Gordie and Fran. Occasionally the Lachances and once in a while Sarah Watson, the pretty history teacher Gordie was dating. Usually because she turned up with food or something nice for Mikey as I didn't care much for conversation and Gordie seemed uncomfortable at my lack of effort towards her.

"You could at least try and make an effort," he said.

I didn't reply, but I wondered why he thought I'd make an effort for someone I barely knew when I wasn't making an effort for anybody else.

Gordie would clean up in the house when he came home from work, play with Mikey, cook dinner, try and make conversation with me. But it was like I was gone- as though a light had turned out behind my eyes and all that was left was my shell of a body.

Gordie was frustrated as hell with me when he came home from work one day to discover me asleep on the couch with Mikey playing outside alone.

"Anything could have happened to him! It's almost dark out there, damn it! He needs a mother! Look, I know you're hurt over Chris and Ace. But me and Mikey are still here. And we need you to pull your head out of your fucking ass, okay?"

I was sorry about Mikey and I kept a better eye on him after that. But it didn't change how I felt, cursed and alone, and like I would never be happy again.

One day maybe six weeks after Chris was gone, there was a knock on my front door.

I struggled up from the couch and went out into the hall where I opened the door to see Mrs Chambers standing there.

"Nina?"

"Oh." I was startled. "Hi, Mrs Chambers."

She looked prettier than I remembered. Pencil skirt and formal blouse with her blond hair tied in a bun at the nape of her neck. She'd always seemed kinda tired looking when I had seen her before but maybe now Mr Chambers wasn't around, things were different.

"May I…come in?" She had Chris' eyes, I realised. Calm, reassuring. Or he had had hers.

The house was a complete mess but I didn't give a shit. I stepped back and let her in anyway.

"Who are you?" Mikey was standing in the hallway staring up at the strange blond lady curiously.

"My name is Mrs Chambers," she said.

"Chris Chambers mom?" Mikey asked.

Mrs Chambers looked from me then back to Mikey again.

"That's right. Is it okay if I talk to your mommy for a moment?"

Mikey nodded and wandered off towards his bedroom. He'd spent enough time in his room lately, with candy and toys lavished on him by Gordie, an act to compensate for my distractedness and also a tool of bribery so Mikey would steer clear and Gordie could try to talk some sense into me. His words had fallen on deaf ears.

I led Mrs Chambers into the living room and she cleared some newspapers off of the couch so she could sit. As she dropped them onto the floor, she recognised a face on the one of the front covers and bent down to retrieve it again.

"Future attorney stabbed to death in Northbrae."

I didn't know what to say as she picked up the pile of papers and flicked through them, each one hurling out a headline about her son's death. Finally, she dropped the pile back onto the floor and looked at me sternly.

"I went there, you know. To California. I wanted to make some sense of his death. See, what the papers didn't tell you was that when he was killed he had an engagement ring in his pocket."

I started to cry. Mrs Chambers didn't look surprised.

"I never even knew he had a girlfriend. I went to his apartment and i found a picture of you on his bedside table. I was confused. I know you and Chris dated when you were kids but I've always thought of you as Ace's wife. Then I saw a picture of your little boy, Ace's little boy, on Chris' wall. So I need you to tell me the truth, Christina. Is your son Christopher's son? Is that my grandson?"

I couldn't lie to her.

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. I never knew if he was Chris or Ace's."

She digested this impressively well.

"But the engagement ring was for you?"

"Yes. I said yes. We were just waiting to make it official."

Mrs Chambers looked at me for a long sobering moment before she said:

"You poor thing." And hugged me to her.

Feeling the arms of his mother around me broke something inside of me and I wailed like a baby while she held me patiently and soothingly. The way Chris had when my mom and Ace had died.

"I'm sorry," I finally said "Your son was the greatest man I ever knew."

She smoothed back my hair and looked at me full on, her piercing blue eyes cutting through all the pain and misery that had obscured everybody from my view for the last couple of months.

"You are raising the greatest man you'll ever know. Whether he's my grandson or not. And you need to remember that."

I nodded, finally understanding from her what Gordie had been trying to tell me for weeks.

"I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much loss," she said. "Your mother, Ace, Chris. So many for someone so young."

She kept her arm around me as she spoke quietly.

"I don't want to be pushy but I would really like to know if your son is my grandson. I think we could get a test done to find out." Mrs Chambers said. "If that's what you want, I'm willing to get tested on Chris behalf."

I suddenly remembered something.

"Wait here a minute." I stood up and went out to the kitchen where I dug through the drawers and found Chris' leaving letter. "Chris already got tested. He wrote the nurses name on the back of this letter. He said I could take Mikey down anytime I wanted."

Mrs Chambers took the letter from me, her eyes misting over. She didn't ask me if she could read it but I could tell just seeing his handwriting meant something so I didn't stop her.

"That boy…he told me he sold his car to you when I recognised it," she said ruefully.

I felt terribly guilty.

"I'm sure he didn't want to lie to you. I think he knew I needed him to be discreet…"

"It's not the first time I've been lied to. Probably won't be the last." She folded the letter up and gave it back to me."He had the heart of a Saint, my Christopher. That's what Richie used to call him-sarcastically, you know- Saint Christopher..." And then Mrs Chambers started to talk. And I didn't, or couldn't stop her because it sounded as though she hadn't been able to talk to anyone for a long time.

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"He was born on a stormy night at home. My husband had been in a bad mood all evening and had finally fallen asleep on the sofa. I had known I was in labour for some time now, but I was hoping he would be asleep before the baby would come. I had two boys at this point- Frankie Junior and Richie. Both boys were in bed so I crept into mine and I prayed to God for an easy labour. I gave birth by myself in that back bedroom. I knew l had to call somebody soon to help cut the cord and clean up, to check the baby over, but when that boy was finally in my arms, I didn't want to break the spell.

He didn't cry and that worried me at first, but when I looked into his beautiful clear blue eyes, there was a kind of curiosity in them that made me know that he was okay. He snuggled into me and we lay like that for a long time until my husband finally came in, still drunk, and started yelling.

There was always yelling. But I always found the same comfort in Christopher as I did the night he was born. From a toddler, he would squeeze onto my lap whenever Frank Senior was drunk. Frank hated the sight of him because of this. By the time Chris was six years old, he would be listening for his daddy to come home drunk and he would always get out of bed when he heard the door slam. I would beg and plead with him not to come into the room and although Chris was usually obedient, he would never listen to my request. What I eventually realised was that he was trying to provoke Frank so he wouldn't come after me or anybody else. Chris wanted to take the hiding for everybody.

I tried to protect him. I really did. I tried to protect them all. But I was the only one bringing in money most of the time and I couldn't go out to clean houses if I battered and bruised, I couldn't feed my children, or put clothes on their backs. But I loved them, each and every one of them. Still do. Even Frankie Junior, even after they said he did what he did to that young girl. They are still my children.

I know what people think of me in this town. That I'm a terrible mother. That my children went without. But they were given everything I could give.

One day, Chris's third grade teacher called me up and told me Chris never had any lunch with him. I was so mad. I made him a baloney sandwich every day. Not much, I agree, but my children never went hungry. There was always something. I asked Chris about it and he told me he ate his lunch at recess instead. It turned out that he was feeding a homeless man up on main every morning. Just handing over his lunch and having nothing all day. When I scolded him he said 'But Mom, I get a dinner every night. Trevor never eats. Any money he makes he buys food for his dog."

It was impossible to be cross with him.

When he stole the milk money that time, he swore to me and his father that he hadn't taken it. But afterwards I took him aside and said:

"Listen to me, Christopher. I am not upset that you stole the money but I'm upset that you lied to me. Now you've already taken a hiding so look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. Did you take the money?"

And he couldnt look me in the eye. But he looked at his feet and said softly: 'Yes, M'am. I'm sorry."

And I couldn't be mad because he never would have stolen it if there was enough to go around.

I only got more proud of him as he grew. He was such a handsome boy and so smart too. He worked hard enough that the teachers finally had to accept it. And then he got a job too. He would spend all night lifting boxes to pay for college and then he'd come home and try and straighten the house up in the early hours. He was always there to make breakfast for the others or help with their homework, and he was always sliding money into my purse when I wasn't looking. I played along. I needed the money but I was proud. So I never mentioned the money and neither did he.

He remained the bodyguard of the house. Once Frankie Junior went to jail, not even Richie wanted to tangle with Frank Senior. But Chris would step in at every opportunity, putting a bad report card in front of Frank when he knew he was in a bad mood- saying something offensive and so unChris like if he sensed his Dad was going to blow. Anything he could do to prevent Frank from coming after one of us. And as he grew stronger, Frank got angrier.

The day that Chris got into Berkeley, Frank was furious. He hit Chris across the back of the head with a poker stick, yelling 'This doesnt make you no better than me!' That was the one and only time Richie stepped into one of their fights and if he hadn't, Chris might have been killed.

I was so happy for him that he was leaving this town behind, but I was frightened. For myself, for the other kids, of the idea we might not see him again. But he always came back. He called me at the houses of people I clean for, knowing my time and schedule, he got around us not having a phone and called me twice a week. He always said he was doing great and I want to believe that was the truth. He always seemed to know when Frank was on a mean streak and when he came home, he would tackle all the laundry, cut back the garden, take me food shopping. He wasn't like the college kids that came home on weekends to be pampered. Chris came home to see we were alright.

It's almost pathetic to say that he was my best friend but thats exactly who he was. He never begrudged me the hours I worked, the little I provided, the fact that I couldn't protect them. He always treated me like I was the best mother in the world.

And now he's gone.

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I didn't know what to say when she was finished. I hadn't known the ins and outs of their relationship and I had been too selfish to think about it the last few weeks.

I felt terrible shame that I hadn't been to visit Mrs Chambers on Chris' behalf, not when Chris had died, or Frank had died. Gordie had, of course, but Gordie knew Chris' family better.

"I'm so sorry," I said finally. "Is there anything I can do?"

Her eyes met mine and she nodded.

"Actually, Nina, there is. And maybe it's a big ask, but I would really like to know if your son is my grandson?"

I had been putting it off for months but now I realised that hadn't been fair on anybody. Not Ace, not Chris, and certainly not Mrs Chambers.

It was the least I owed her, I figured. Mikey could be the last link to her son.

"Sure," I said. "I'll take him down to the hospital soon. And I'll let you know when I do."

"Thank you. That would mean a lot to me…Forgive me, Nina, I know we don't know each other well, but you look…exhausted."

"I don't know why," I said. "I feel like I havent done anything productive for a long time."

"The only thing you need to do is look after yourself and your son," Mrs Chambers said. "Why don't you get in the shower? I'll make Mikey some for lunch and he can help me…" She looked around the messy room "pick a few things up…"

I tried to protest but she didn't pay any attention to me. Instead, she ushered me out of the room.

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"Hey Champ, how did it go?" Gordie stood up when we came into the waiting room.

"It was easy. Didn't even hurt. Mama says I'm almost ready for school." Mikey leapt at Gordie who swung him up into his arms.

"Nice going, kid. Then you'll make a whole heap of friends and forget about me, huh?"

"No." Mikey gave Gordie a strange look. "You'll be there when I get home, right? And when I wake up?"

"Sure." Gordie grinned at him and set him on his feet.

"Go press the elevator button, huh? Make sure the light comes on."

Mikey ran ahead of us towards the elevator and Gordie nudged me.

"You doing okay, Willis?"

"I'm not sure. I kinda don't want to know. Whoever he doesn't belong to, I'm gonna lose a little piece of."

"I get that," Gordie said. "But it's the right thing for the kid. One day he'll want answers."

"I know." I folded my arms and watched as Mikey thumped the elevator button repeatedly.

"You know what though, Nina?"

"What?"

"Before there was you and Chris, before there was you and Ace- Hell, before there was you and Mikey, there was me and you. And I ain't going anywhere."

"You sure about that? Must be putting a crimp in your love life living with a single mom and her kid."

"Family comes first," Gordie said, just as the elevator opened.

I linked my arm through his as we stepped inside after Mikey. And as the elevator door began to close, I realised he was right. I had lost a lot. But I had Mikey and I had Gordie and that wouldn't change. We were family.

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