INT. ADJUNCT OFFICE – DAY
TITLE CARD: THE BAD COUSIN
Freddy sits at a table with a student during his office hours.
FREDDY
So it's not that this isn't a well thought out, thoroughly researched paper on nihilism. It's that this is your fourth well thought out, thoroughly researched paper on nihilism.
STUDENT
So you have a problem with the truth too.
FREDDY
No... it's just that the assignment was on the moral prohibitions on murder. So I just wanted to give you a few notes. And maybe a phone number for the counseling center.
STUDENT
Are you gonna fail me?
FREDDY
Well, if I did... would it matter?
Beat.
STUDENT
Legit.
The student takes her paper and exits. Freddy sighs and turns back to grading a thick stack of essays on the corner of his desk. Enter Audrey with a coffee.
AUDREY
You still here? Have you moved from that desk since last night?
FREDDY
Oh, time has no meaning here in the grading circle of hell. Either these intro to philosophy papers are bad, or I must have had a stroke at the beginning of the semester and taught the entire class in gibberish.
AUDREY
Try teaching gender studies to a class full of freshmen psych students. Emphasis on the "men" part. You never heard so many "Well, actuallys" in all your life.
FREDDY
Well, just today, I've seen what I hope is an unintentional defense of eugenics, arguments so circular you could use them to mix paint, and a student who invokes nihilism so often I'm wondering if I should refer the kid to the counseling office.
AUDREY
Oh, yeah? Try this.
She holds up a paper to read.
AUDREY
"Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions as evidence." Something tells me this kid spends a lot of time trying to argue women into dating him.
FREDDY
Which never works— or so I've heard! But here's my personal favorite— the phrase "the theory-ladleness of observation." Yes, this paper sure has theory by the ladle-full. So are you going to be here for a while? We can order takeout or something.
AUDREY
No thanks, I'm trying to reserve a few reasons to leave the office every now and then. Otherwise, why not just put a mattress under the desk?
FREDDY
There is a shower a few doors down in the chem lab. Of course, the university would probably just start charging us rent.
There is a knock at the door. Audrey goes to answer it. She opens it to DAVID CRANE, eighteen, delicate featured but athletic, dressed like a bro. His phone starts ringing, but he takes a quick look and silences it. Freddy stares in surprise.
AUDREY
Can I help you?
DAVID
I was told this was Freddy Crane's office. Is he in?
AUDREY
Office hours are from one to four on weekdays.
FREDDY
No, Audrey, it's okay.
AUDREY
Is he your student?
FREDDY
No. He's my cousin. On my dad's side. David.
DAVID
Hey, cuz.
AUDREY
This guy's your cousin?
FREDDY
He's a lot younger.
DAVID
I think she got that from how you're dressed like my dad.
Audrey laughs.
DAVID
You don't seem happy to see me.
FREDDY
Not at all! It's just you look so… different.
DAVID
Yeah, I'm not so into tricycles anymore.
Freddy laughs embarrassedly.
FREDDY
It has been a while. So… what's got you in Boston? I would have though you'd be at school right now.
DAVID
Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Is now a good time?
He glances at Audrey.
FREDDY
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. Audrey, do you think you could give us a minute?
She gathers up her papers.
AUDREY
No problem, I'll just go down the hall.
She leans into Freddy and stage whispers as she goes.
AUDREY
If he takes your lunch money, just give a holler.
She exits. Freddy shows David over to his desk.
FREDDY
Come on in and make yourself—
David drops into Freddy's desk chair and throws his leg over the arm.
FREDDY
—comfortable. You know, you're lucky we're family. Or else I couldn't let a Yale man through the door!
David stares. Freddy awkwardly pulls up a seat across the desk from him.
FREDDY
So… what brings you to Boston?
DAVID
Oh, you know, the usual. The symphony orchestra, the world-class theater district, the thriving local art scene.
FREDDY
Oh, really! Well, if you could use some recommendations, there's an excellent Meiji-era pottery exhibit at the MFA…
David stares again.
FREDDY
Ah. Yes.
Freddy waits uncomfortably until David sighs and relents.
DAVID
Yale University and I are taking a break from our relationship.
FREDDY
Oh, no. What happened?
DAVID
It was pledge week, what do you want? Pledges had to pull a prank, and most guys were planning on small potatoes stuff, dressing statues up in drag or whatever. So to get myself noticed, I greased up three pigs and set them loose in the administrative offices. They were still trying to find them two weeks later!
FREDDY
Two solid weeks? To find three pigs?
DAVID
I painted numbers on them. One, two, and four. Ha!
FREDDY
Mother of God.
DAVID
So now I'm suspended for the rest of the semester, to be revisited at the beginning of the next one.
FREDDY
Well, that's bad, but Uncle Niles is a pretty important alumnus. He should be able to smooth over a first offense.
DAVID
Which is exactly what he did. The first time. By offense number four, they just sent back his check. At least, we think they did. There were only ashes in the envelope.
Freddy winches as David starts tossing and catching a little sculpture from the desk.
FREDDY
Have you told your folks yet?
DAVID
You kidding? You know how Dad will react. He'll be out on the balcony in a rainstorm, screaming to the heavens, "I have no son, I have no son!"
Freddy nods, as that sounds about right.
DAVID
So, yeah. Pretty sure I'll be out of the will.
FREDDY
Soooo… what's your plan in the meantime?
DAVID
Well… I was thinking I could crash with you for a while.
Freddy's smile freezes.
FREDDY
Excuse me?
DAVID
You're the only person I know in New England! Unless you can get me in touch with Sam Malone.
FREDDY
Uh, I might have his number somewhere.
DAVID
Come on, Freddy! I'm in a bind here!
Freddy reaches for the sculpture in David's hand.
FREDDY
You could always go home to Seattle.
DAVID
What part of "disinherited" did I not make clear? If I go back, I'm in for a nonstop thrill ride of tears, psych analysis, and cursing in Italian.
FREDDY
I don't know, David, my place is kind of small—
DAVID
Put yourself in my shoes! After a screwup like this, would you want to go back home and crash with the people you most disappointed? What would that be like?
FREDDY
Oh, God… Mom trying to apply classical conditioning… Dad alternating between self-flagellation and diagnosing me with every disorder in the book… and the lecturing… good God, the endless, blustering, longwinded lecturing…
He spins to David, wild-eyed.
FREDDY
Okay, okay! God help us, you can stay!
DAVID
Awesome.
He tosses Freddy the sculpture. He fumbles to catch it and it smashes on the ground.
END OF ACT ONE