Chapter 8: Determination
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(Okay, she's back! I just got my computer back from the repair shop and luckily, I still have all of my files! So, I will be updating again, starting right now with this one for Sariniste, who is not only the biggest Aizenfan of them all, she is incredibly patient while I continue to struggle with the ending for To Die For...which, is on the way! The climactic battle on that one just needs to be played out. It's coming along, but it needs a little more time. Also, for all of the Aizenfans out there! It's almost Aizenmonth, so get ready for some fun! I have gathered all of my Aizenfics and will be updating madly. In the meantime, I am backing up everything on my external hard drive, and I just got my older laptop fixed as well, so that we NEVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN! Sorry, still traumatized by being unable to post for so long. Anyway, lots more posts are coming. Glad to be back with you. Love to all, Spunky)
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Renji followed a step behind Byakuya as the Kuchiki leader left his bedroom and headed across the nearly restored gardens, and to the iron gate at the back. He let out a soft, sad breath of memory as they passed through.
I must've seen ol' Fleabag steal my hair tie and jump that gate about a million times. It comes back so clearly, like it only just happened. But, now Tetsuya and Fleabag…Arashi, are gone. I thought that losing friends had become so frequent a thing in my life that I just wouldn't feel it so much, but those two really got to me.
He realized suddenly that Byakuya had stopped, and was looking back at him, wearing a sympathetic expression. Renji made a sound of surprise and embarrassment as a tear slid down his cheek.
"Sorry," he apologized.
A blush roared onto his tanned skin as Byakuya's soft hand curved around his face and the noble looked solemnly into his teary eyes.
"You have nothing to apologize for," Byakuya assured him, "I am…honored that your memories of my cousin are so moving for you. It speaks to the genuine affection that was between you. Know, Renji, that Tetsuya and Arashi loved you also."
Renji's lips quirked.
"How'd you know…?"
Byakuya arched his eyebrow meaningfully and the redhead colored more darkly in reaction as two more tears escaped.
"Stop that, will you?" Renji scolded him, rubbing his eyes, "I'm trying not to cry like a baby, here! You're not helping."
"I am sorry," Byakuya said, smirking, "but for some reason, I feel…touched by your displays of emotion. I wish sometimes that I could be more expressive, myself."
"Huh, I thought tears were disgraceful to nobles," Renji said, sniffing.
"Well, as the elders were so pleased to point out for me, you are not noble. Your emotions are perfectly suited to you. Do not feel that you have to hide them from me."
Renji gave him a sad smile.
"All right, who are you and what have you done with Kuchiki Byakuya, clan leader and Gotei taichou?"
"Come now, Renji," Byakuya said warmly, turning to continue walking, "We are in my home, and our duties are done for the day. Now, we are…"
He paused and his feet stopped moving. Renji looked at him curiously.
"We are…?" he prompted the noble, "We are what?"
"I just realized that I do not know exactly what we are," Byakuya confessed, "We are more than friends, more than comrades, but we are not yet lovers."
Byakuya's breath caught and a flush came over his pale features as Renji's arm curled around him and the redhead gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.
"I guess until we become lovers, we're just…significant others."
"Significant others," Byakuya sighed disapprovingly, "Such an odd description."
"It sounds kinda stuffy, doesn't it?" Renji chuckled as the two men continued walking along the trail, "Someone ought to think of something better."
Renji went quiet as the two reached the Kuchiki Family Cemetery, and Byakuya opened the gate so they could pass through. They remained silent as they passed the new section of graves, where Byakuya paused to lay flowers in front of several of the markers. They continued on to where Hisana had been buried, and Byakuya set down flowers for his late wife as well, kneeling at her graveside and offering a little prayer.
I am sorry that I did not come to you for so long. The war began, and I was injured and evacuated to the royal realm. But, I never forgot my devotion to you. I thought of you every day, when I would have been visiting you. And now that the war has ended, I wanted to return to you. I have to tell you…
I finally did what you asked of me.
When you were on your last breaths, you asked me to open my heart to someone again. It was difficult, and for the longest time, I did not want to do it. But, as you see, the man at my side has made his way into my heart. He has offered me his. And, for the first time since your passing, I want to love again, Hisana. I want to be loved.
I want…
Byakuya sucked in a surprised breath at a sliver of reiatsu that suddenly touched him.
Tetsuya?
But…
His head turned and he looked around, setting his eyes on another marker that had been set nearby, long before.
"Byakuya?" Renji intoned softly, watching as the noble left Hisana's grave and moved to another, "Hey, are you okay?"
"Fine," Byakuya assured him, still staring at the grave he had moved on to, "It is just…something strange I felt."
"Whose grave is that?" Renji asked, moving closer, noting that it was not Tetusya's, but the one beside it.
Byakuya's head bowed slightly as he answered.
"Yukishima Naoki," he answered.
"Tetsuya's husband?" Renji inquired.
"Yes. I had Naoki laid to rest here, after he was killed protecting Tetsuya during their escape from the prison."
Byakuya dropped to his knees on Naoki's grave, laying a spread hand on the ground.
"What are you doing?" asked Renji, giving him a confused look.
"When we buried Naoki, Tetsuya captured one of his teardrops and placed it in the grave. We noticed later that, even as long as the teardrop laid buried, Tetsuya's reiatsu continued to resonate from the token within the grave."
"That's really beautiful," Renji remarked, "It shows how much the guy meant to Tetsuya."
"Yes," Byakuya agreed, "But Renji, you know as well as I do that when a shinigami dies, all signs of his power pass on. Even reiatsu from the strongest shinigamis, fades eventually. Although Tetsuya died recently, this token was placed a hundred years ago! It shouldn't still be resonating, especially not at this level. Yet…I feel it!"
Renji's hand joined Byakuya's on Naoki's grave and his brown eyes widened.
"Holy crap! I feel it too!" he exclaimed softly, "Does that mean…?"
Renji was stopped forcibly as Byakuya and grabbed him and ended his words with a hard kiss. He brought his lips to the redhead's ear and hissed softly.
"Do not say it aloud!" he warned Renji, "If it is true, if he…is…alive, then something dastardly is happening here!"
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Tetsuya woke to find himself unbound and hot food and tea waiting at his bedside. He ate without hesitation, then left the bed and searched the closet until he found one of his own yukatas that had been left on some prior occasion. He slipped the soft blue robe around himself and tied it at the waist, then left the room, heading into the oddly silent archive. He looked around expectantly, reaching out with his senses, but Aizen was nowhere to be found. After several minutes of looking, Tetsuya shook his head in frustration and retreated into the archive's inner courtyard for a breath of fresh air.
Strange.
Both that he left the archive, and that he left me alone and unbound. I don't know what to think about that. I'm sure he'll return soon, though I have no idea what to do while I wait.
A little shiver went through him as he thought briefly of the hogyoku.
But the orb is with him, so it shouldn't…
He shivered harder.
I suppose that the spirit of the orb would still be in my inner world, if I went there. I can't think about that right now. Just thinking of it makes chills run down my spine.
It wants me to desire Sousuke's death.
As much as I want there to be an end to his crimes and his cruelty, I stop short of wanting the man to die. So many people around me were enraged that the death sentence could not be given to him. They feared him so much that his death seemed the only way to ensure their safety. I also fear him, but I had come to accept that he could not die. Now freed again, he cannot be contained, but maybe…if…
Tetsuya felt a hopeful flicker in his chest as Aizen's footsteps sounded behind him.
If his actions were not the actions of an evil madman…if instead, they came from something that I could understand, then...I have learned that hatred comes from fear, from sadness or from deep anger. It is almost always associated with some dark emotion. If I knew the source…
"It is good to see you up and around, Tetsuya," Aizen said, sliding his arms around the younger man and brushing the soft hairs away from the side of his neck to offer him a teasing kiss.
His eyes narrowed in dark curiosity as he realized Tetsuya hadn't stiffened at his touch, and that he was turning to offer his lips for another kiss. He took the invitation readily, kissing gently once, then plunging deeply into Tetsuya's mouth and exploring the soft, heated depths.
"What is this?" he asked, pulling back and looking down into Tetsuya's widened blue eyes, "You know, you shouldn't tempt me so shamelessly, knowing how long it has been since I have had a lover, Tetsuya. I will not hesitate to offer whatever indulgences you desire."
Tetsuya paused, considering carefully before he answered.
"I told you. I can't knowingly give myself to a man who does not love me. That being said, as I no longer have the ability to leave you, I will try to earn your love, so that we both have a chance at some level of happiness."
"That is an admirable goal, of course," Aizen acknowledged, looking into Tetsuya's eyes closely, "But, you should know right now that I have no intention of falling in love with you, not now or ever. It is no reflection on you. I simply haven't the capacity to trust anyone enough to love them."
"I see," Tetsuya whispered, turning away and looking up into the darkening sky, "So, you desire the pleasures of my body, but you reject the heart that beats beneath them. You are said to be a cold and heartless man. I imagine I shouldn't have hoped that those assertions were wrong. Why do you feel this way, Sousuke? I am not asking you to change, but maybe if I understood what brought you to such an empty definition of love, I could bear the pain of belonging to you a bit more gracefully."
Tetsuya sucked in a sharp, stinging breath as Aizen forced him suddenly back against the stone garden wall, glaring down at him warningly.
"You would look into the violent, black abyss inside of me, and try to understand me?" the elder man hissed icily, "You would only sink into its endless depths and never emerge, Tetsuya. The way to that place is closed. Never ask this of me again."
He released Tetsuya and turned away as Tetsuya's shaky legs gave way and he sank to the ground, trembling violently and breaking out in a cold sweat. Every instinct he had told him to run. His hands clenched until the pearly nails dug into the flesh of his palms, and sheer terror gripped his insides until he could barely see. His head spun madly and he lost awareness, crashing down into his roiling inner world and leaving him panting harshly as he knelt on the soggy shore of his zanpkutou's usually placid lake. Almost immediately, Tetsuya felt the approach of the hogyoku and he heard its regretful voice rise up in his mind.
You see now, don't you, Kuchiki Tetsuya? He is not a man, but a monster. There is nothing but blackness inside him. You are responsible for loosing his madness on the three worlds again. You have the power to stop him.
Why do you resist?
Why?
Only focus your heart on protecting the worlds from him. Wish for his undoing, his death, Tetsuya! You can make it happen. I can help you.
Tetsuya deflated further under the sting of the reprimand.
"I did free him," he agreed in a soft, wounded voice, "In my desperation to protect my cousin, I endangered everything and everyone we love. It is a torment, but I cannot make myself believe that the only way to end that threat is to desire Sousuke's death! There is another way. There has to be! I want, more than anything, to find that way! Can you help me, Hogyoku?"
He held his breath, watching the orb in front of him pulsate with angry red light.
"I cannot."
Tetsuya felt the lie instantly.
Ah, but I sensed before that the orb had its own agenda. This is no surprise. But, why could I sense its deception? What is this happening inside me that offers me this insight? And does the orb also sense that I know it is lying to me?
He looked more closely at the floating orb, studying the oddly hypnotic crystal facets that glimmered with endless possibility.
"I want to understand Sousuke," Tetsuya said firmly, "I want to know what makes a man become what he has. There is much that he tells no one. I want to reach that place with him where he will explain this to me."
Impossible. Aizen Sousuke trusts no one. He will never trust you with something like that.
Again, Tetsuya felt the little flicker that told him the words weren't true.
"The truth is, you want Sousuke to die," Tetsuya said calmly.
"I am just a vehicle for others' desires."
"You also have your own desires," Tetsuya pressed, "and even though you must do so through the manipulation of others' desires, you pursue your own goals, nonetheless. I will tell you right now that I am not going to allow myself to be manipulated by you!"
"Then," the orb hissed furiously, "you are going to lose everything that is meaningful to you!"
The hogyoku spun in the air for a moment, vibrating madly and continuing to hiss in warning. Then, the light inside it flashed and it disappeared, leaving Tetsuya kneeling alone on the wet shore of Re-kuhime's lake. He almost jumped out of his skin a moment later, as he felt Arashi's velvet muzzle touch his shoulder, then another touch his cheek on the other side. He turned to look up at the pretty white filly that stood, looking down at him through Sousuke's brown eyes.
"There has to be something I can do," he whispered, rubbing the filly's face and patting her on the neck, "Your presence here has to mean that there is a powerful connection between Sousuke and me that defies our plans, our choices. There is a fate that we share that I believe has the potential to open the door he has shut against every other living soul! I just don't know how to do that! How do I reach him?"
He turned and looked into the filly's oddly wise, brown orbs.
"Will you help me?"
He sensed something that felt like reaching, and the filly nickered and nuzzled his cheek again. Tetsuya smiled up at her.
"It's all right. I will be patient. You've only appeared recently, and we need time to build a connection. I imagine that when Arashi is finally able to emerge, you will too. When Sousuke sees you, perhaps it will open a new doorway. I will wait."
Tetsuya felt the pull of his soul, drawing him out of his inner world, and he returned to where he still knelt on the courtyard ground, inside the Kuchiki archive. His heart still ached with loneliness, but he climbed to his feet and returned to the archive interior, where he found Aizen sitting silently, examining several references. He bit his lip anxiously for a moment, then moved closer and sat down beside the traitor.
"Do you need help finding anything?" he asked.
Aizen paused and looked at him curiously.
"You are speaking to me so soon after I gave you such a scare? You are quite brave, aren't you, Tetsuya?"
"No," Tetsuya said solemnly, laying a hand on Aizen's and returning his gaze unwaveringly, "Like you, I am determined."