Prompt 29: "I Hate How Much I Love You"

Summary: Shelagh has a hard day after word gets out about her engagement to Patrick. Set pre-Christmas special, so Timothy doesn't have Polio yet and Shelagh is not reconciled with Nonnatus. TW: Verbal assault.

A/N: My show is finally over, so updates will be coming more regularly! Yay! I'll see what time looks like after the 15th when I start rehearsals for my next gig. :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Shelagh Mannion couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was constantly watching her and it worried her for several reasons. At first, she felt vain feeling like the center of attention. After all, why would all of Poplar be concerned with her, even after the announcement of the decade? It quickly became clear, however, that it wasn't vanity at all. For starters, she didn't want the attention and furthermore, she was definitely not imagining it.

Heads turned her way and voices quieted when she approached from the moment she shed her identity as Sister Bernadette, but since the announcement that she was soon to become Shelagh Turner, the heads and voices had multiplied exponentially. The gossip hurt her terribly, and she knew it hurt Patrick and Timothy too, but she pushed forward. Every time she overheard a busy-body remarking on how well she was 'hiding her figure', she forced herself to dream about the day when she could proudly show off that she was carrying Patrick's child. Every time a jealous woman implied that she was too plain to please him (and really, how had she never noticed that Patrick had so many admirers?), she reminded herself that he'd fallen in love with her whilst she wore a habit, so looks or no looks, he must love her dearly.

It wasn't until about a week after their engagement that she encountered crudeness that truly made her second guess her decisions.

She'd taken to walking back to her boarding house from dinner with Patrick and Timothy every night. It was a bit of a long walk, but it helped clear her head and she'd always loved being out at night as a midwife. The decreased noise of the normally bustling Poplar made her feel at peace, and, if she was being honest with herself, she now also appreciated the lack of stares. Patrick didn't love it and usually insisted on driving her, but she had no reason to feel unsafe. She'd cycled and walked the darkened streets for nearly a decade as a nun and nurse, why should she feel unsafe now? Besides, it was late and Timothy needed him. She wouldn't take her fiance away from his son.

Turning into an alley about five minutes from Kennilworth, she felt the now-familiar feeling of someone watching her. She shook it off and kept walking - it had been a lovely night, there was no need to spoil it by confronting another onlooker.

A few more steps proved it wasn't just another onlooker, though.

"Oi! Sweetheart, where ya off ta?" a slightly stumbling man appeared out of the shadows. Shelagh felt her heart rate increase, but she kept walking. This wasn't anything she couldn't handle.

"My friend here asked ya a question!" a second man hollered after her. "S'not polite not ta answer!"

Shelagh increased her speed, regretting, for the first time, her decline of Patrick's nightly offer to drive her home. The two men were slightly intoxicated, but their height in comparison to her small stature allowed them to catch up easily and step in front of her.

"Aha, it's that little sista'..." one of the men realized as he let his gaze roam over her. "Didn't I tell ya it's a shame they hide under those tents?" he asked his friend.

"Too right," the other man replied, "you never know what you might find underneath."

"Excuse me." Shelagh tried to push past them, but they didn't move.

"It's no wonder the doc couldn't keep his hands off ya." one of the men suggested. "Good thing he got too ya, I say, otherwise you'd still be under than frock and the rest of us wouldn't get the view." he reached out to touch her hair, but she stepped back in time.

"It's alright, sweetheart," the man's friend leered, "nothing your good doctor hasn't already seen and done..."

Shelagh turned and ran back to Kennilworth as fast her legs would carry her. She didn't even consider the possibility that they might catch up to her again, all she knew is she needed to run. She bolted down the streets and banged on the door. She barely heard Patrick running frantically to answer her panicked knocks. She didn't even register that she'd gone back to his place until he'd pulled her inside and shut the door.

"Shelagh, darling, what happened?" he asked, terribly worried at her pale, scared face.

The sound of his voice broke her and she burst into tears, letting him gather her into his arms as she sobbed into his jumper. He simply held her as she cried. Yet another gesture of love she couldn't understand why he would want to give to her. Eventually, she calmed down enough for him to walk her to the couch.

"Shelagh, please, tell me what happened." he implored. She hung her face, though a part of her knew she'd done nothing wrong.

"It was nothing." she tried to insist.

"It wasn't nothing, love." he argued. "Shelagh, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

She seemed to process the thought for a moment and he relaxed a little when he saw the acceptance in her eyes.

"I think I've been to every inch of Poplar at every hour of every day," she started slowly, "but I've never felt afraid until tonight." she paused. "They said...they said it was no wonder you couldn't keep your hands off of me and they were going to…" she couldn't finish the thought, but she didn't need to. The anger in Patrick's eyes told her he knew exactly what happened. "It's never happened before. Not in ten years. It doesn't even happen to the nurses that often." she cried. "What did I do?" she asked desperately.

"Did they hurt you?" Patrick asked tensley.

"No," she replied quickly, "I ran back here as fast as I could. They didn't touch me...but Patrick, why would they even want to? I don't understand."

"I'm so sorry, Shelagh." he apologized with a broken voice. "I'm so, so sorry, this is all my fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"I should've left you alone." he replied sadly. "I never should have pursued you. I hate how much I love you. I hate that I couldn't fight it. If I could have, you wouldn't have to deal with all of this."

"I couldn't fight it either, Patrick." Shelagh said adamantly. "One way or another, we would have ended up exactly where we are. I just don't understand why this is happening now. I hope you don't think me naive."

"I don't." he assured. "I think you spent so long living under the protection of Nonnatus that it never occured to you that men might notice you when you left. Shelagh, I hope you know though, you didn't do anything wrong. Those men, that filth, they are the ones that are wrong."

Shelagh leaned her head against his shoulder and relaxed a bit into his embrace.

"I can't help but feel that I'm being punished." she admitted.

"You're not. I won't let you think that." Patrick immediately insisted. "I know things are hard right now, but I promise they will get better."

"How can you know that?" she asked honestly.

"Because I will never stop working to make it so." he replied. "I love you, Shelagh, and I will never stop fighting for your happiness."

She wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline from earlier or the way he was looking at her, but she suddenly found herself leaning forward to press her lips to his in their first kiss. She pulled back almost immediately, but his smile melted her insecurities and she leaned forward again. He met her half way this time and gently rubbed his thumb along her cheek as she relaxed into the kiss. Every nerve in her body felt warm and despite her earlier fears, she couldn't help but feel completely at home. They broke apart, breathless.

"I love you too, Patrick."

29 down, 21 to go! Hope you enjoy!