Chapter 6: Confusion

"How Stupid."

The shock of having the least expected person look so furious left me speechless. "Excuse me…?"

The dark haired man narrowed his eyes as if just to oppose my own widened orbs. "How can you sit there and act like…" He trailed off with a grimace, but it was easy to see that it wasn't because he was unable to find the words, but rather that he had difficulty continuing over his emotions.

"Ichirohiko…" Iozen spoke, and went to place an arm on his son's shoulder, but he jerked away from him.

"No! I just can't fathom how she," He turned back to lock eyes with me again. "How you think you can make the choice to be human." He stood and his arms slammed against the table, everything on it rocking from the movement. I stared at him open mouthed, but before I could respond he continued. "Don't you understand what you are? How many would want to be able to do what you can, and you you don't even care about what you were given?"

Inside, I could feel the the water building to the top of the dam. My mouth clicked shut and I put my hands on my knees to keep everyone from seeing them shake. I looked at him. "I can't help what I was born as. But I can decide who I am from here on."

This didn't serve to calm him down, however. His arms dropped from the table and were left at his side, clenching into tight fists. I could see clearly that they were once again trembling. "No. You can decide what you want to be. But no matter how much you may want to be something different, it doesn't change what you are."

Rather than the river trickling over the dam, it burst through it, and I shot to my feet.

"I am human. It isn't about wanting to be different, because I'm already what I want to be! Just who do you think you are that you can tell me what I can and can't do?" The composure that had replaced my panicked state only a short time ago was clearly only the calm before the storm, because now, I couldn't collect myself. Just who does he think he is? I didn't give him time to answer the question. "Maybe other people would want to be a wolf. Maybe everyone else thinks it would be so great to run off into the woods and never interact with any of their normal friends and family if given the choice. But I don't. And I won't ever hurt the people I care about that way!" I was practically snarling at him now.

There was a brief silence after I finished speaking, and as I realized all that I'd said, I felt the flood waters start sinking. I sank with it; dropping into the cushioned spot I'd started in.

But just as I was starting to regain some composure, Ichirohiko gestured at me,"That," He started, holding his hand out much like he was going to help me up, "Is not the face of a human." only it was meant to break me down. The words felt cold, and the sunken river inside made its way up further than it had been the entire exchange, until I could feel it building behind my eyes.

When I'd reacted in anger to Ichirohiko, I'd started to change again, without even realizing it. It was always panic and anger. Why couldn't I stay in control?

A small voice was murmuring in the back of my mind, instinct.

I squashed the thought and redirected my focus into looking normal again. As I did so, I tilted my head to look up again, blinking back the tears before they could squander the little dignity I had left. My eyes landed on Ichirohiko again, but he wasn't looking at me anymore.

Instead, his gaze was downward, and I followed it to the hand he'd held out. He'd pulled it back some, now hovering less by the table and closer to him. It was there I found what he was so transfixed by. It was a thin, red string tied to his wrist.

I felt an arm on my shoulder and I jumped slightly before turning to see Inori at my side. She had a worried look on her face, and when her eyes flickered to her son I knew it wasn't just concern for me. But she gave me a small smile anyway. "Let's go get you washed up, okay?" She reached forward with cloth napkin and dabbed at my cheek, and I realized I wasn't as successful at hiding my tears as I'd thought.

I nodded half heartedly and stood, and as she led me back to the hall, I glanced back at the table. Both Iozen and Jiromaru were now standing beside Ichirohiko, his father speaking to him in a low voice that I couldn't make out. Jiromaru wasn't facing me, but his posture conveyed his worry well enough.

Ichirohiko himself seemed to be paying very little attention to them. His eyes were still on his wrist, and it seemed all the heat had drained out of him. I wasn't sure why. He'd gotten the last word.

I turned my attention forward.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The kitchen was small compared to the other rooms I'd seen so far, and I was grateful for it. There was a tall square table in one corner that was clearly used as counter space, but the two chairs on either side of it were uncluttered, and after washing my face, I took a seat in one of them.

Inori and I were quiet for several minutes as she went about the kitchen and I stayed trapped in my thoughts.

Not the face of a human. Not a human. Not human.

"-ou okay?" I blinked when I found Inori in front of me. When it was clear by my expression that I hadn't been paying attention, she repeated herself. "I said, are you okay?"

"Oh. I'm alright. Thank you."

She sat in the other chair and placed a steaming cup in front of me. I realized she'd also cleared part of the table without me noticing. I looked into the cup and found that it was a light color, and didn't have a strong scent. Inori noticed my curiosity and smiled lightly. "Chamomile. It should help you relax. It might be a little too hot though, I had to brew it a little differently since the teapot is still at the table."

"I see. Thank you."

We lapsed into silence once more, and when Inori deemed it cool enough to drink, I sipped at the tea.

Halfway through the warm drink, the lingering anxieties faded a little. My shoulders relaxed a little, and Inori must have been using that as a cue, because she spoke again right afterward. "I hope you aren't too upset with Ichirohiko….I know you've had an adventure today, but please understand that he has….well, he's gone through some things of his own."

I could sense there was a much bigger story there, but it really wasn't my place to pry. Especially not into the hardships of a family that has done nothing but help me. Maybe that would normally be a reason to try and help them too, but I barely knew them, and I doubted I'd be much help to them. "I….I don't think I can judge him, even if I want to, since I don't know why he acted the way he did. But I also don't think I can easily forgive him for judging me when he doesn't know anything about me either."

Inori seemed to accept that with a reluctant nod. "I understand."

We were silent again, and it felt as though there were still words left unsaid, though neither of us spoke them.

A little after the tea was finished, Iozen entered the kitchen. His bulky form just barely fit in the doorway, and I noticed one of the reasons it seemed so small was because the door frame was a bit smaller than the other rooms. Inori turned to her husband and spoke up. "How is he?"

"He'll be alright. He was going to hide away in his room, but Jiromaru convinced him to go into town with him."

That didn't seem to sit well with Inori, and she frowned. "Into town?"

Iozen nodded. "It'll be fine."

I watched the exchange and eventually, "...Is there something wrong with the town?"

Both of them turned to me, and I got the feeling that they'd half forgotten I was there. Inori was the one to answer. "No, no, of course not. It's just that some enjoy gossipping, and most that do never have anything good to say."

That didn't really help my confusion, but I nodded. "I see…" Did they do something to be gossiped about? I had a feeling that was probably the case after considering all I'd heard from the family. "Speaking of town...I still haven't heard much about where I am."

Iozen nodded thoughtfully. "Come, we can speak in the courtyard."

I suspected the large boar was cramped in the small space, so I humored him and rose.

As we drifted down the hall in silence, I was only vaguely surprised that Inori didn't follow us. I had the feeling that she had entrusted me into his care, and with the baton passed, she set about the kitchen once more.

When we reached the courtyard Iozen stepped outside before lowering himself onto the wooden porch, and while my legs would likely dangle off the side, his hit the ground at a comfortable height. I sat at a small distance from him, and found that outside the sky was already getting dark.

The equipment in the yard was casting stretching shadows over the ground, and as I looked over it for the third time, I realized Iozen wasn't going to speak first. He was giving me the opportunity to ask all the questions I had about Jutengai, but now that I was given the chance, I didn't really know where to start. So instead, I asked the first thing that came to mind. "...Did you call off class because I ended up here?"

He seemed confused for a moment before his expression cleared. "Oh, no, not at all. There aren't really classes here."

"There aren't?"

"No. When I was helping more people, I suppose it could be thought of as a class. Now, the few that come here are taught one on one."

"Ah..."

A silence that lasted only half the time as the ones with his wife went by before he asked a question of his own. "Do you hate beasts?"

I looked at him in surprise, but he wasn't looking at me. His eyes were fixed on the courtyard, but it seemed like his gaze was actually very far away. "No, of course not...I don't know enough to really form an opinion."

He gave a slow nod, but still didn't seem very relieved. "And do you hate wolves?"

I shook my head. "Of course I don't!"

"I see." He turned to face me at last, but his brow was furrowed in thought. "If that's the case...why is it that you wish to be human?"

I met his gaze for only a moment before looking out at the yard again. "You heard me, didn't you?" I folded my arms over my chest as though to keep the approaching night's chilly air away, but I knew it wasn't really that cold today. "I know it must be different here, because you know that humans exist….but humans don't know about this place. I don't know if my father knew...but if he did, he never told my mother. So my brother and I….we always thought we were the only ones."

I took a breath and and continued. "So imagine growing up and being able to change into something no one else can. To have interests you want to share but no one understands them. To want to have friends that are just like you. You just start to get interested in some other things, some normal things, that all the normal people are interested in. And you're so happy when you make friends only to realize that they wouldn't be your friends if they knew. But...what does it matter if they don't know about something you don't even associate yourself with anymore?"

I paused, trying to organize what I wanted to say, but during that pause, Iozen interjected. "Why would you consider people that don't know you your friends?"

Any other time, the words might have resulted in a bad reaction from me...but the genuine concern and confusion in his voice managed to keep me calm. "They do know me."

"Not all of you."

I turned to face him. "Because the other part of me is gone. This is all that's left. Me, human, me. Because there was no one else like me. Even my brother, who should have…" I bit back the sentence and continued a new one. "He was different from me too."

Iozen was still looking at me with concern, and it seemed none of my words had phased him. "So you don't have any friends that know everything about you?"

I paused. I hadn't ever told even Shino, who was one of the only friends I'd kept in touch with over the years. But, there was…"Souhei…" We'd had a rough start, but even though I hadn't seen him in a long time, he was still who I considered my closest friend.

Iozen seemed a little relieved at the information and nodded. "So there is."

"But Souhei is a special case...he found out a long time ago, and even though he didn't mind, he's...different from most people. If other people knew...they'd think I was a monster."

Iozen sighed, but turned to look at the now dark sky. "I believe that someone worth keeping around wouldn't think that." I followed his gaze to what I expected to be the dark sky I was used to. Instead, I found that the blue was covered in the most stars I'd seen in sometime. The city was coated in its own bright lights, but back when I lived with mother, the stars looked a lot like this.

I sighed as well. "I live in a crowded city, crowded by normal people. And I like being around people, but I'll probably only be in Shibuya for a few more years. Even if, for some reason, I told someone-and there would be no point, because I don't change-I'd just leave again a little while later."

We were both quiet again.

"You can change at will," Iozen started just before the silence became uncomfortable, "You could become a wolf, stay a human, or even live in Jutengai and wouldn't be out of place. It seems that your problem is that you're trying very hard to fit into one spot, when you're clearly meant to be something more."

I felt the words he spoke run through my head once more. "When I was little...my mother asked my brother and I whether we wanted to live as humans...or as wolves. And that was all there was to it."

I could feel his eyes on me as he spoke again. "Why do you think you would be given a place in every world, just so that you could limit yourself to one?"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

A/N So I'm updating today. Happy New Years again! Surprise! I was really hyped to write this chapter, and I wanted to post on the "New Year" as soon as possible, mostly so people looking for fanfiction don't glance at the date later and go, "Oh, this hasn't been updated since last year!" Or something.