Prompt 39: "Just please be my best friend right now, not the guy (man) I just confessed my love to."

Summary: The prospect of death brings out the truth more often than not. Set in the midst of 2x06 after Patrick tells Sister Bernadette that she has TB, but before she goes to the sanatorium.

A/N: Returning to Season 2 because as much as I loved 7x01 to pieces, I desperately miss the slower pacing of the earlier seasons. I would way rather have one, amazing Turnadette scene that's a whole minute long than several 20 second scenes that are largely expositional! Okay, mini rant over.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sister Bernadette thought that nothing could make her feel worse than her tormented feelings for Dr. Turner, but that was before she got Tuberculosis. Then, she thought that nothing could make her feel worse than knowing her body was being slowly attacked by a deadly disease, but that was before she blatantly lied to Sister Julienne.

"It wasn't a complete lie." she tried to justify to herself. To be fair, there was nothing untoward about Sister Julienne asking if she would like Dr. Turner to call on her later to see how she was faring and there was nothing untoward about her accepting the offer. What was untoward, at least to Sister Bernadette, was that she accepted the offer for personal reasons, not medical ones. She was no worse off that she was when he told her of her diagnosis the day before and even if she was, there wasn't anything he could do except get her to St. Anne's a little faster. No, she wanted him to come because she wanted to see him and that...that she couldn't admit to Sister Julienne.

It was foolish. What could she possibly say to him that she couldn't say the day before? She knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him that in months of dark confusion, he'd been the only constant light. She wanted to tell him that she couldn't bear the thought of dying, not for herself, but because she couldn't fathom the idea of putting him or Timothy through anymore pain and she was finally desperate enough to let herself believe that they cared. She wanted to tell him that in hindsight, she'd been developing feelings for him for far longer than she realized. She wanted to tell him that she valued his friendship more than anyone she'd ever known. She wanted to tell him that she loved him.

But she couldn't. Not in good conscience.

Instead, she let herself turn to her diary, the only confidant she had, and wrote another letter she would never send. After writing it, she would crumple it up and throw it in the fire, just as she had done with all the others.

Dear Greetings, Dr. Turner,

There are many things I don't know, and so very many things I don't know how to say, but I do know you will never read this, and that gives me comfort. Yesterday, our victory turned to defeat. I am overjoyed to see so many of our patients receive such exemplary care, but I am saddened that one of those patients is myself.

Please I must admit that I am frightened, Dr. Turner. I do not like to admit that - very little scares me now - but I am so very frightened. I believe I know that I am not afraid of dying itself. I have seen death many times and I know that if it claims me, I will be in a peaceful place, though I will miss you terribly. I am afraid, though, of leaving this earth without ever telling you how much I care. Even now, knowing you will never read this, I find it difficult to write the words. I have never written them before. I feel as though I should, now. Tomorrow, you will take me to the Sanitorium and I will begin the Triple Treatment. You and I both know the potential side effects of such treatment, not to mention the notion that it might not work at all.

And so I must write it now. Even if I am the only one who sees it. If I am to not return to Poplar, I wish to do so with a clean conscience.

I love you, Dr. Turner.

Sincerely,

Sister Bernadette

Yours,

Shelagh Mannion

She stared in shock and wonder at the page before her. A part of her was surprised she even remembered her Christian name. She hadn't thought about Shelagh in some time, but in recent months, she'd let her mind wander to how Shelagh might feel about her current predicament and wondered what Shelagh would do.

"Shelagh will never know." she whispered to herself as she ripped the letter her of her diary. She crumpled it in her hand and moved to go downstairs to the fireplace, but she stood up far too fast for her new-found breathlessness and in a moment, everything was black.

Thirty minutes later, Dr. Turner arrived at Nonnatus, heartbroken, anxious, but still secretly uplifted at the thought of seeing Sister Bernadette. Sister Julienne let him in gratefully and walked him to her room.

"Hopefully she's resting at the moment." Sister Julienne remarked sadly, knowing it was unlikely her younger Sister was handling bed rest well. "Would you like me to stay?"

"I'm sure you're very busy with Sister Bernadette off the rota." he spoke a little too quickly. "I'll be sure to find you or Sister Evangelina if she needs a proper examination."

Sister Julienne nodded, her suspicions aroused, but not confirmed.

"Thank you, Dr. Turner." the older woman departed with a last look at how the doctor's hand trembled as he reached for the door handle.

Patrick shook as he opened the door, but all nervousness left him at the sight of the woman he loved lying half draped on her bed.

"Sister Bernadette!" he whispered, alarmed. He hurried to her side and checked her pulse, audibly relieved to find she had likely just stood up too quickly. Unsure of the proper behavior, but unwilling to call Sister Julienne for what was not at all an emergency, he carefully lifted her legs off the floor and turned her so she was lying fully above the duvet. As he shifted her, he noticed a crumpled piece of paper fall out of her hand. He reached down to pick it up and would've thought it was garbage had he not seen his name written elegantly across the top line.

Dear Greetings, Dr. Turner,

It was addressed to him. From her. He knew he probably shouldn't read it if she'd crumpled it up, but his curiosity got the better of him and he gently flattened the page.

He read it. Then he read it again. Then a third time. Then a tenth time.

His hands shook, his eyes blinked, his heart raced.

She loved him.

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting by her bedside, staring at the worn piece of paper before she woke.

"Dr. Turner?" she asked, eyes blurry from losing her glasses, which he quickly handed to her.

"Sister Bernadette, how are you feeling?" he asked lovingly, forgetting to stop his tone of voice. If she noticed, she didn't let on.

"A little dizzy." she spoke softly. "Did I fall asle-" Her eyes rested on the paper in his hands and she felt the blood drain out of her face. "No. No, no, no." she whispered to herself, refusing to look at him.

"It's alright." he tried to soothe, not wanting to send her into another dizzy spell.

"It's not alright!" she panicked. "You weren't supposed to read it!"

"Are you truly sorry I did?" he asked before he could stop himself. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have...I should go."

"No." she protested as he stood to leave. "Please stay. Just…"

"What is it, Sister?" he asked gently.

"Can you just please be my best friend right now? Not the man I just confessed my love to?" she asked shyly.

His heart melted. Did she not know he would do anything for her?

"Of course I can." he promised as he made his way back to the chair by her bedside. "What would you like me to say?" he asked honestly.

She paused for a moment. There were so many answers to that question, but just then, she couldn't bear to hear any of them - not even if one of them was to hear him say he loved her back.

"Can you tell me about today's cases? And about Timothy's school day?" she asked earnestly.

"I think I can manage that." he replied.

And he could. He couldn't manage the fact that she might die, he couldn't manage knowing she loved him and not being allowed to say it back, but he could manage to tell her facts and truths. He would keep their relationship factual and medical until medicine saved her and he didn't have to hide the true facts anymore.

39 down, 11 to go! Hope you enjoy!