To Elana: Not gay, I want to say. I'm not sure what I would identify Jin as, but she believes he's in love with Takaya.
August 6th Full Moon Dark Hour Rank 7
"Are you ready?"
Takaya and I stand hidden from view on top of what used to be a military bunker. Chidori bailed. I'd gotten into an argument with her about my involvement and she disappeared tonight in protest. She didn't explain to Takaya, but the man didn't care. We didn't need Chidori. We weren't going to fight tonight. The plan would be simple. They would enter the bunker and we'd close the door on them, leaving them to starve to death or get killed by the Shadow deep within. I'd already checked the controls and hacked them hours ago.
Minako's face appeared in my mind constantly. It wasn't at all to imagine that last meeting. Her eyes had been closed as she walked away. Her steps were energetic, almost bouncy. Like she was excited. I can't wait. Isn't that what she said? It never gave me pause but I am doomed to live a cursed life by the Kirijo group. She isn't. She is beautiful, smart, and so full of life. She has all the time in the world. Why would she come tonight when all that awaited her was fighting and pain?
Takaya is looking at me expectantly. This plan would fail without me. He can't trap them if I don't help him right now. I could theoretically, leave everything behind. I could betray him, run off with her, but I wouldn't. Despite all the panicking in my system, I didn't want to. Why am I so apathetic to my own death, but so panicked when it comes to hers? She's brought me back to those days long before I was taken in by the Kirijo group. When I wandered the streets by myself, wishing someone would pity me. Hoping someone would love and take care of me. My own weakness sickens me.
"Yes." I answer, watching the road. The van arrives fifteen minutes after the Dark Hour starts. The whole gang piles out, completely unaware of our presence. I can see Minako walk into the building first, with Fuuka behind her. Chidori has taken an interest in the blue-haired girl. I think she sees her as something close to a rival. She talks about her often, like the two of them have known each other for years.
The others watch them, staking out the entrance, making sure to check the surroundings for danger. Sanada is standing closest to the front, his eyes are trained on Minako. He is the one person I had no qualms about killing tonight.
Minako gives them a thumbs up. The building is clear. Safe. Everyone piles inside. Fuuka is inside her Persona, and it occurs to me that her powers are similar to Medea. That would explain Chidori's strange attachment to the girl, if nothing else. The Shadow they are looking for is several meters underground and the move further into the bunker.
It's time.
Takaya swings down from the upper level, using the railing as a steadier and I instantly followed him. We land on the metal floors with a loud thud. The teenagers immediately turn at our arrival. I ignore the others, keeping my eyes on Minako. Her face is the only one devoid of shock. The fact that she was a spy no longer holds any water. She knew that I'd laid a trap for them tonight, and she still brought them all here. She was innocent when she met me. It had all been a coincidence. Some twisted whim of fate. It was almost comical considering the amount of time I spent spying on her.
Fuuka seems the most surprised, probably because her persona had failed her at this crucial moment. "How...? Lucia didn't sense a thing til now!"
"Who are you people?!" Sanada is yelling, and already I want to blow his brains out. My rage at what he's done hasn't subsided. If anything, it's only gotten stronger, but all of my attention is focused on Minako. He would need to wait.
Her eyes are bright, watching me intently, completely ignoring Takaya. Everyone else is staring him with a mix of fear and fascination as they should. He commanded the attention, walking closer to them. The space between us and SEES is huge. We are inches from the door and they are inches from the opening to their hell.
"This is the first time we've met in person. My name is Takaya. This is Jin. We are known to some as Strega. From what we can tell, you've undertaken a "righteous" battle to save the world. But we've come here tonight to put an end to that dream."
"What?!" Kirijo seems taken aback. She pulls out her rapier, pointing it at us. "Why on earth would you want that?!"
Takaya smiles, ignoring her completely. "Tartarus is standing beautifully. Can't you see that?"
I speak up, but my eyes are still watching the only girl that matters. I want her to understand. Need her to. "If the Shadows and Tartarus disappear, then so do our powers."
Minako's eyes grow wide, and hope springs in my heart. Maybe she will understand. Maybe she will forgive me. Even join our side.
"Powers..." Kirijo doesn't get it. She is just a pretty face with mad ideas. She only knows how to use the things around her. A parasite. Just like the rest of her family.
"Only a select few hold the power of the persona!" Takaya is getting revved up, like he always does. The man is passionate. He has an infinite number of ideas, and regardless of how ridiculous they were, he made it a reality. Our powers sprang from our personas, but Takaya was on a different level. A god among mortal men. "The Dark Hour is a frontier that is ours alone to explore...just like the Tower of Demise. And you want to give that up? Why, it's madness."
"You're the crazy ones! Who knows what'll happen if we don't hunt down these shadows." Takeba is yelling. I hate her. Her voice. Her personality. Everything about her pisses me off. "People could die!"
"There will always be disasters. Whether they arise because of human folly or shadows is irrelevant. Surely you feel the power the personas and the Dark Hour has given you."
"Not at all." Minako speaks up for the first time. She is the only one who doesn't look angry or afraid. Instead, what I see on her face surprises me: happiness and excitement. Why? Her expression is completely out of place, a lamp floating at the mouth to hell. An emotion that doesn't connect at all with the situation. "I'm not powerful because of the Dark Hour. I'm powerful because I choose to fight. That power is in all of us, and it makes you weak."
Minako was almost bursting at the seams. Everything she wanted to know about Jin, and here he is. Here they are. Finally being honest with each other. It almost makes her want to forget about the Shadow hiding deep underground and go away to grab a cup of coffee with him. Almost.
She barely hears or sees the others. Her eyes are focused only on him. She'd expected this. Repeating that he wasn't the enemy had been useless. She's known, maybe from the beginning, that they would need to face each other like this one day. It is almost easier knowing that he's been a spy all along than to keep guessing at his motives. This is freedom. Minako can feel a manic laugh rising in her chest, waiting to burst.
The other man, Takaya, Jin's friend keeps talking. "How about the rest of you? Do you also wish to return to your pathetic, ordinary lives?" Minako has the vague thought that she probably should be jealous, but she feels nothing even remotely close. This man is the one who holds Jin's attention? The one he is wiling to die for? He seems like a pathetic excuse for a human being, much less a lover.
Everyone else looks offended at Takaya's question. Especially Yukari. "You think I like this?"
"I don't enjoy this one bit." Fuuka adds.
Speak for yourself.
Minako loves fighting. Junpei does too. She know he talks about being a hero. They've had several long conversations about it. Fighting the shadows makes him feel awesome. It makes him feel like he is worth something. Akihiko too, his reasons are close. He is atoning for his mistakes, and fighting shadows makes him stronger. They are all here because they want to fight: for each other, for themselves, for the past, and for the future.
"You're all hypocrites." Jin is yelling. He looks angry, hurt. Maybe he expected this to end differently. For her to go to him and apologize for what she said on that bridge. Minako regrets nothing. She will fight shadows tonight, and for the rest of her life if she has any say in the matter. She would destroy them because she loved it. His hatred didn't matter, not if it meant giving up this feeling.
"To hell with you." He whispers. Jin throws several grenades in their direction and smoke envelopes them. Jin and Takaya are nowhere to be seen. There is a strange sound coming from the entrance, like two large pieces of stone are grinding together. It takes her a moment to realize that the doors to the bunker are closing. The others rush to it, but it's useless. They'll never make it in time. Jin and Takaya slipped through. Jin turns to look at her in the last minute, the smoke and stone obscuring most of his features. There is so much pain and anger on his face, Minako wants to run to him and kiss it all away, but this isn't a fairytale, and those things din't happen.
She could only smile, an apology for the man who betrayed her. The door closed with a slam.
I can't breathe. She is going to die in there. The bunk is old, all means of ventilation shut off. If the Shadow didn't kill her, the lack of oxygen would. If she somehow found a way get air, she would starve. Death was closing in on her from all sides. The authorities might never find her body and even if they did, her death would be written down as an accident like all the others I'd killed. Images of her dead body are seared into my skull.
"Jin, it's time to go." Takaya is looking at me expectantly. He would never suspect it. That I had, for a few moments, thought of betraying him. I almost can't believe it of myself. For a very brief space in time, I had actually thought of leaving him. None of it mattered now. Minako would be dead before the hour was up, if she wasn't already. Even if she made it out of the bunker, she would never come near me again. It was over.
That suffocating feeling never left me.
We went home. I was silent the entire way. Takaya was exuberant. He seemed to talk constantly about some grand design, completely missing the fact that I was a million miles away. Missing my mutiny, and all the rebellious thoughts that now ran through my mind. With every word, I seemed to drift farther and farther away.
Chidori is in her room when we make it home. She's finished her sculpture. The throne is magnificent. The edges are smooth but an intricate design runs through it. There is a natural sparkle that seems to come more from the stone than any of the artificial lights around the room. She sits in the seat, staring into open space. Her eyes sharpen when we walk in. Her attention is focused me.
"How did it go?" Her soft voice seems to state the question, like she already knows the answer.
"As well as you could expect." Takaya shrugs. "They were fools. Couldn't see the world for what it really was. They were disposed of."
Chidori doesn't respond. She continues to stare at me. I refuse to look at her. Mumbling something that is probably more sound than words to Takaya, I walk to my room and close the door behind me. Chidori walks in noiselessly, disturbing my peace. She doesn't say a word. Instead, she's sitting in my computer chair. Waiting. Waiting for me to give her what she wants.
After what felt like hours I can't take it anymore. "Stop staring." No response.
"I'm going to kill you." No response.
I pull out my Evoker, aiming it at her head. She doesn't even flinch. "I'm in a really shitty mood. Get out."
"Is she dead?" I flinch, and she smirks. A mouse caught in her trap.
"Why'd you do it? You know Takaya is nothing without you."
I throw my Evoker at her as hard as I can. She catches it before the gun has the chance to hit her in the face. "She wouldn't join us. She doesn't understand."
Chidori drops my Evoker on the floor. A rare show of anger is spread on her face. "You don't understand! If you want something, take it. That's what Takaya does. That's what I do. You're a weakling. You sicken me, Jin." I expect her to slam the door, but there is only a soft click as she leaves. Like she's an apparition.
I collapse onto my pillow. My glasses are sitting on my desk. The world is strange without them. In this state, I might as well be blind, so I close my eyes. The darkness swallows me.
"Jin..." His mother is sobbing, but she doesn't take his hand. She does nothing. There is nothing left. "I'm so sorry." He wants to tell her that this is a lie. If she was sorry then she would not have sold him. Not like this. The scene shifts.
He can feel a burning on his hip. The numbers that brand him as an experiment have been seared into his skin. Numbers that prove he is something less than a human. "01A057. Next."
The Kirijo experiments have failed. The kids are dead. The Shadows have escaped. We are the only ones left. Around me is a sea of bodies. Where will I go? What will I eat? Am I fated to die here like the others? A boy stands in front of me. He is older, in his teens. A small girl stands behind him, hardly older than a toddler. He asks me for my name.
I begin reciting the numbers etched onto my back, but he stops me. "Not your number. Your name. The name given to you. It is lost in the canyon of my memories. The freshest and the newest of tortures are sitting at the very top. The are what my mind always goes to first: Shadows, beatings, cold rooms, and burning pains. It takes me a long time to remember I once had a mother and a father. One is dead, the other should be. Neither matters anymore. "Shirato, Jin."
The other boy smiles. "Hello, Jin. My name is Takaya. This is Chidori. I think we're the only ones still alive."
I don't answer him. There is no point. He is correct. Everyone else is dead. The evidence is in the rubble. The bodies. Nothing stirs. There is nothing else.
"If you want, we'll be a family now. I'll take care of you. His hand is outstretched, and he pulls me to my feet. He walks between me and the girl named Chidori, one hand holding each of us. Like a father. He is my Father now. Chidori, my Sister. They are my new family now. The first one sold me away. The second is dead. This will be my third. I met them at Armageddon surrounded by a parade of death.
Takaya is kind. He teaches me how to kill. "Listen. Anything can be used as a weapon. Even a pencil, when, you stab it here, can kill a person." He points to his eyes, and I learn. I learn to kill. When we kill, there is food, and a warm bed to sleep in. Takaya is warm. When we sleep, he is also nearby. He soothes us of the nightmares.
"Listen. There is nothing to be afraid of. When you kill someone, what happens?" I tell him: nothing. They go quiet. They go still. Nothing happens. "Exactly. It's not scary at all. Death is peaceful. It's kind. When you're dead, there are no nightmares." Chidori and I listen. We understand. Death is peaceful. It is calm. In death, there are no nightmares.
He sleeps beside us, always. In the darkness, I press my lips to his neck. His back. His forehead. He never responds, always sleeping. Pretending. I place a kiss on his lips, and he turns away.
I am growing older. Takaya spends more time alone. He no longer sleeps with us. I ask him why. What is wrong with the two of us being together. He pauses, as if he's thinking. "It shows attachment. It's wrong. Never get too attached. Anything can be stripped away at any moment. Nothing is too beautiful or precious. We don't fall in love with anything. Love only breeds attachment"
It is then that I understand. I am unloved.
A loud vibration disorients me, waking me up from the dreams. Memories. Either word, would be accurate. What's happening? What kind of person would call me in the middle of the night?
"I'm at the dock."
Her voice is instantly familiar. I don't need to wonder who is calling. I don't need to wonder why she is alive. The girl is made of miracles. The only thing I want to know is why. Why is she telling me that? I betrayed her. I tried to kill her. Why did she come back?
I throw open the door and run to her. Seven minutes. That's all it will take. I run until the breath leaves my lungs.
She is standing by the water. Every inch of her is illuminated by moonlight. Normal, natural moonlight that put the cuts and bruises of her body on display. Her tired face lights up when she sees me. "I just-"
I wrap my arms around her, cutting her off. I push my lips onto hers without any hesitation, all caution thrown to the wind. Takaya might've heard me leave. He might have come after me. Anyone could see this if they walked down that alley. I don't care. All I want right now is to kiss this girl who I had almost killed. She responds immediately. Her lips are cracked, but it is sweet. Like oranges. My grip around her waist tightens.
She pulls away to look at me, her red-brown eyes sparkling with delight. There is no blame in her eyes, no anger. Only warmth. She doesn't leave my grip. "I love you." Her lips crash back onto mine, and every horrible memory, every doubt in my mind washes away.
NC: 11/5 Promise of Summer