A/N- Repost, strongly believe that my next chapter should be a part of THIS chapter. Part of my master plan of getting back on track. Patience, dears!

CHAPTER 49

Day 74: Part 4

Letting people in isn't easy at all…nope, never. When you let'em in, you give them access to the very things that could very well destroy you. Practically give them a gun and hope they don't use it to shoot you.

Punk wants in. I'd let him in, I really would. Really. Just one thing: letting him would require giving him my entire heart...all of me. As strongly as I feel for him…I can't. My heart is far too beaten up, too used up to be given up once more. He didn't do anything, but the man—boy—before him DID. Like I said before, Punk would want more than I'd be able to give…he'd say different BUT I know he would. Aside from that, he's taken. Sure his girlfriend is cheating but two wrongs don't make a right. I sound like a broken record, I know, but I can't—won't get involved with a taken man. Great contradiction since I've slept with men who have wives and shit BUT that was business, strictly. EXCUSES…

A groan resounds from the man's throat. He's tired of waiting on me—asking me. His arms untangle themselves from me, "One thing at a time…", he says. Whether he says it trying to convince me or himself…I don't know.

The man tiredly gets up and walks over to his tiny niece and picks her up…she doesn't wake. Sound asleep—she's a heavy sleeper like her pops. This observation upsets me just a bit more; enough that I get up and start making my way hurriedly out the door.

"I hope you're on your way to get dressed…we're going to visit Dominick.", my eyes widen with a jolt of happiness, yes for once. I turn around to make sure that he isn't just fucking with me, "I know you've been missing him…", he smiles warmly

Of course I've missed him...it has been 2 months since I've seen the little man! His cheerfulness and ability to brighten up my day is much needed. Hell, I'm now more than willing to leave my safe, my comfort zone if it means seeing him. Tears already falling and a smile, really, a smile threatening to makes its way across my face, "Put down the baby.", Phil raises an eyebrow, looking at me as if I've gone mad, "Put her down…"

"Okay…?", he gently sets her on her makeshift bed and slides over a couple inches, "What are you go—UMPH!", before he can even finish his sentence I smash myself into his body. It takes him a moment to react. "Did you take something before I came in?", he asks with a slight hint of suspicion in his tone

No longer fighting my smile, I pull myself away and wipe away my tears, "I-I'm just…Thank you. You don't know how much I need the little man…", my eyes travel from his eyes and his lips

"Well, you're very welcome, beautiful…anything to make you smile.", he like me is thinking the same…he leans in closer, "Almost forgot how unearthly beautiful you look when you smile…"

This time it's me that completes the 10%. My eyes close and mind shuts off for the moment. The simplistic sensation of giving and feeling affection is enough to make me forget about everything. It's just him and I; his soft lips and my docile ones. A slippery intruder enters my mouth and this sets off my alarm. Eyes open, I unhook my arms that subconsciously made their way around Punk's neck, and wiggle out his grasp.

Clearing my throat, "Thanks…Ima go get ready…and…yeah…", I say trying my best not to sound like a mumbling idiot

"Yeah…", is all a still dazed Phil says

Backing away, I nod my head. Feeling the door, I turn around a walk away quickly to my room.

Closing the door to my room, I begin to pace around. You shouldn't really feel guilty. I shouldn't but I do. Especially after the whole 'Let me in' deal…this'll give him hopes or something. You can't keep on denying…Maria practically let you go for it. That's just it. She flew off to meet up and make-up with Dave. Only thing is that while she is cheating, facts are facts: she loves Phil and he loves her. I've promised myself to never do to a woman what he had done to me. The field is open though…I can't do it. This is just a slip up.

Pacing over to my drawer, my hands dig around for a pair of panties and bra. My lips curve up when I spot a matching set of boyshorts and bra in the theme of Pokeballs. Fucking Wes... Last, last, year we'd done Secret Santa and he'd gotten them because of Bree. I hold the undergarments to my chest. Boy, I miss you. Walking to my bed, I undo my robe and throw on the undergarments. My arms still sore out every now and then…and now is one of those times. Ignoring the soreness in my limbs, I stroll over to find some clothes. My happyass hasn't worn anything other than loose shirt, tanktops, and a robe in a while.

After trying on about 10 different shirts and a couple of my favorite jeans it blows up in my face just how much I've let myself go. The shirts fit tightly which is quite unflattering since my stomach isn't as flat anymore. Don't ask me about the jeans. Already hard enough to find jeans that I can afford but it's another thing to find jeans that do my thighs and butt justice! Leaning over my dresser I try my best not to cry over something so stupid because compared to everything else this is just dumb as fuck.

Exhaling, I scrounge around for a loose-fitting tee. First thing that pops out is a Misfits tee, ode to joy. Shrugging, on it goes without another though. My hair is messed up already—no point in trying to look cute. Lazily dragging myself to a pile of jeans, I look for the black jeans Wes had bought me the day I came home…y'know from the Suicide Watch thing. Eventually I find them and get on with doing my make-up so Mama Rosa will actually believe that I'm getting better and Dom won't be as horrified.

Onceover after onceover, I still can't get over the fact that I've let myself go this much. Maybe I'm just exaggerating but…I feel bloated as hell. Perhaps I'm not even a size 9 anymore! You've got bigger things to worry about. Maybe Phil feels pity for me…why would he want a slob when he has a gorgeous girlfriend? Thought you didn't care? Turning my attention, I put on my socks and trusty Jordans and head out.

Finding Phil in the living room with Eli in his hold makes me realize that I'll have to share a 25min ride with her. Earlier, I'd thought that I was okay with her but no. Holding her, hearing her, SEEING her makes me feel guilty. Phil stands up when he sees that I'm ready.

"I'm digging the shirt.", he says with a smirk

Rolling my eyes, "I bet you do.", returning my focus to the baby in his arms, "So, how exactly are we getting over there?"

"Car, sweetheart."

Biting my lip, "Am I gonna have to hold her? I can drive…so…?"

Shaking his head, "No can do, beautiful. You really need to let go and stop being cold to the kid. She needs some lovin'.", he says with puppydog eyes. You're the teacher and Dom's the student, I see.

Looking off to the side, "I'm already fighting my fears by going out…"

"Pout all you want but no way in hell am I letting you drive. Wes'd kill me for letting you wreck his ride.", I wince at 'Wes' and 'kill'…it's still too early for that.

Sighing, "I'm doing this for Wes's sake…", I take Eli from him, "Be a doll and give a blanket to cover the kid with."

Switching between looking out the window and Eli, I find it hard. May not be much to look at but everywhere there's a memory of my main man. From the sidewalks to being in his car, this feeling of despair rises as seconds pass by. Just when I start to believe that I'm getting over it…I find that I've just been fooling myself. 2months isn't enough to rid of the sadness. Shit, it took me years to finally get over Fannie! Death ain't easy to cope with. Though we say it wasn't a goodbye it definitely isn't a 'I'll see you soon.', "God, I miss you Wes…", I whisper as I look down at his sleeping daughter

Punk's hand snakes onto my knee, gently rubbing it, "Gotta keep on moving forward, beautiful."

Fury rises in me. It consumes me. Though somewhere in the back of my mind I know he means well and Wes was his dude too…his trying to be emotionless about the whole thing infuriates me. Men always try to hide their feelings…I do too but this is something that is way above being able to hide away. "How do you do it?", I ask without second thinking

Coming to a slow stop at the yellow light, he turns to look at me with a confused smile, "How do I do what?"

"How do you keep so strong? How do you not feel anything? Is an act? I don't care just tell me how…how be-because I wanna be strong…", fresh tears stream down my face, "I-I don't want to keep depending on you when I know I don't deserve your help…I've lost so much: Fannie, Wesley, Mick, and hell, even Noah. 2 months have passed by…I don't do anything, I let myself go. I-I can't even look at this baby without feeling like shit. My life seems so bleak and pointless. I try and try and try to be so strong and see the light of day—look how it has left me. I am a pathetic, rambling idiot with all this fucking crying—I can't stop it…So tell me, Phil…how do yo-you do it?", with all this crying I'm pretty surprised the baby in my arms hasn't woken up. Staring anywhere but at Phil or her, I feel naked like I've said too much—which I haven't really, not at all.

A car behind us honks obnoxiously which snaps Phil out of his momentary daze. The muscle car begins to move along. Sucking in my tears, I peek at Phil since he hasn't responded…the man grips the steering wheel as if it were a lifejacket, biting on his piercing—you're not only one dealing with Wes's death…

Putting myself together, gathering Eli in a tight bundle, I step out of the car and into the cold street in front of my old residence. Memories of years past come back and hit me like a brick. Nothing is ever going to be same. Though all is bright and sun-shiny, my POV is different.

Punk ignores me and hurries in front of me towards the doors. I follow along trying to think of happy things so Dominick and Mama Rosa will mark me off as okay. Eli stirs in my arms but remain asleep. Approaching the door, Phil rapidly turns around, almost knocking me over if not for his grip on my shoulders.

I gasp, "What's wrong with you?", I ask really ticked off

"You think I really am that heartless? That Wesley, my brother, being long gone doesn't affect me?", he asks with a semi-crazed look in his eye that scares me. I'm too surprised to even come up with words to answer, "You want me to drop everything and do what I really want to do which is fucking kill that bastard that took him away? Marleene, I'm on my own trying to take care of my little sister…trying to keep her with me because she's all I got. I'd like to think I take care of you…I don't mind, not at all. Maybe I'm an idiot for loving someone so selfish BUT you know what? I don't care. You think I haven't lost anything? Check again. My mom, my fucking sister, Wes, and I am on the verge of losing my youngest sister.", the tears that flow down his cheeks make this all surreal

"I-I uh…", my mouth opens but nothing really comes out

"How do I do it? Call me a corny fucker but YOU, you keep me going…Marleene, it's you. Knowing that you're alive and breathing is enough for me, keeps me sane. I-I don't even know if that's enough an answer for—"

Embracing him, "Stop…I'm so sorry.", all CAN say. All that can be said. Seeing this, the breakdown of the man who has taken it upon himself to take care of everybody and leave himself out...I am just speechless and confused. My heart goes out to him. Stop isolating yourself…let him in. You two need each other… "C'mon, Little Man awaits us…"

Phil shakes his head, hugging me tighter, "He can wait a little more…I wanna milk this moment for what it's worth…"

I manage the tiniest of chuckles, "We're bipolar as hell…we're messed up, you know?"

"And I'm pretty and you're cute…together we'd be pretty cute.", he says through sniffles

Laughter consumes me. That probably isn't funny at all but seeing how messed up we really are…is. One moment arguing, another kissing, another mad, another confessing—we're messed up. Laughter becomes guilt and then tears. Phil hugs me as if the world were about to explode, "Let it out, beautiful…I miss him too.", he says as he cries.

"Y-you make keeping you out difficult with everything you do, Punk…"

"Any day now, beautiful…", says Punk lazily

Rolling my eyes, I flick him off without even turning around. I'd been standing in front of Mama Rosa's door for the past 10mins. Every time I'm ready to face her and Dominick…I chicken out. As hard as I try to look moderately normal, Rosa ain't halfway near dumb…she'll know whassup. Quite frankly, I don't have the heart to let her see me at my lowest. A couple of months ago she helped me learn to fly again and to come crashing, again? No, can't do it. Aside from her, Dom has been kicked out of his own home without explanation other than 'Mommy and Auntie are sick'. He needs one of the important women in his life to at least be well and strong. Rubbing my temples, I turn to face Punk only to see the door to my old hellhole.

"Hey, hey…focus forward, Mar.", commands Punk noticing the sudden panic in my eyes.

Doing as he says, I take a deep breath and knock on the door. Something in me seriously hopes that the woman is out and about with her husband and of course my nephew. Muffled voices can be heard behind the door. Of course…

The door opens and it's Mama Rosa with her back turned, "Muchacho, vale mas que te metas a esa pinche tina, apestas!", Oh Jesus…this woman…

Managing a laugh, I clear my throat, "Well hello to you too!"

Jumping a little, Rosa turns around clutching her heart, "You trying to give me a heartattack, muchacha?", she pulls me into a tight hug, "I've missed you so…"

Feeling as though I'd breakdown right there and then, "Mama, calmate…alli esta el hermano de ya-sabes-quien."

Scoffing, "Y a mi que?", she pulls away to observe me and frowns a fraction, "Para mi que no andas bien…", she says with a raised brow. So much for trying…

Smiling nervously, I bring forth Phil with the munchkin in arms, "Mama…you remember Phil, right? Well this is McKenzie's little girl, Eli…"

Rosa glares at me but smiles at the pair, "Phillip it's nice to see you once again, come in.", she moves aside to let us in, "Now letmme see that little angelito!"

"Mama Rosa, I'm ready!", shouts a squeaky voice. One that I know all too well. My heart beats quickly in my chest and a big ol' cheesy smile appears on my face.

"Stop your shoutin'! Come here, we've got visitors!", yells Mama Rosa

"But…I wanna be out so I can see Spongebob!", whines my little nephew as he stomps over, "Can't I jus—", as soon as he sees us in his view, his mouth drops. He rubs his eyes, "Uncle Phil? Auntie Marley?", he creeps closer with caution, "AUNTIE MARLEY!", he makes a dash for it. For a second I believe he runs for Phil but he runs in my direction. I drop to my knees and embrace him as he crashes into me.

Countless times I've said that I hated kids; that they are devil spawns and such. This short, puny 4yr old is the exception. He is MY light in the middle of darkness. He is MY happiness in human form. Dominick has kept me going even through the toughest of times; was and still is my motivation.

Sobs rack his entire body as I plant kisses atop his head. My maternal instincts kick in and I hold him even closer, "Auntie…I mi-mi-missed you so much.", he sobs, "Thought y-you were still ma-mad at me…tha-that's why Uncle Phil left me here…"

"Never, baby. Don't you be thinking that.", I sigh, "I just…Your mommy and I needed some alone time."

Little Man pulls away from me and sniffles, "Because of Wesley?"

"Yeah. We…um…we just didn't know how to feel anymore. He was our bestfriend, you know that. We didn't want you to be as sad as us, hijo.", I bite my lip hoping that my eyes stop watering at the mention of his name

Dominick hugs me once more, "Rosa said that we'll see him again…in heaven. Don't be sad, Auntie."

Heaven is a long time away… I nod my head at the boy's words of consolation. I stop myself from crying, my tears were released outside already. "I know, I know."

"I love you, Auntie."

"I love you even more."

"Who's loving ME?", pipes Phil from his spot on the couch, "Last time I checked, I was YOUR favorite, Champ."

Dominick giggles and let go of me, "Uncle, I told you to keep it a secret!"

Dusting myself off as I stand, "I'm quite hurt, papi. You always told me that I am your favorite."

Playing with his fingers, Dominick giggles nervously, "You are, Auntie. BUT Uncle Phil is a guy and we stick together!"

Boy's words amuse me, really. Playfully rolling my eyes, "Well I guess, Eli is my favorite from now on."

McKenzie's firstborn stares at me with a confused look, "Who's Eli?"

"You getting Alzheimer's this early?", asks Phil, "I've told you about her…she's your sister, Champ.", he says uncovering the baby

Boy gasps and whispers to me, "Is that really her?", his tone of disbelief is adorable

Simply a nod and he carefully inches over to Phil. He sits next to him and observes the waking baby. Expecting her to lash out with her usual cries, I wince but nothing happens. I, myself, inch towards them and am surprised to see the lovechild observing her brother as he does her.

"She's pretty.", says Dom as he gently touches her cheek. When she blinks, he smiles, "Hi, I'm Dominick…your big brother.", this touches my heart.

Phil raises his gaze and smiles, a true one, "You know who else is kinda pretty when she smiles?", Dominick shakes his head, "Your Aunt…should tell'er to do that more often.", what happened to the sarcastic Phil?

"Oye, muchacha! Come help me out here in the kitchen!", calls out Mama Rosa

Leaning against the entryway to the kitchen, "Yeah?"

Mama Rosa stirs her pot of soup before rotating to face me, "Sit down.", she points to one of the stools

Scratching my neck, I oblige. Her seriousness tells me that what awaits me anything but pleasant. Sitting on the stool, "What's up?"

Wiping her hands on her petticoat, "What's up? WHAT'S UP? What's up is that you haven't answered my calls and that you and Micks kicked out the poor boy.", she say with a voice too calm for me not to be afraid

"I can explain—"

She signals for me not to go on, "No explanations. Look, I know you're not well. I'm thankful for that man taking it upon himself to care for you, but tell me…how are you after all of this? You look like you're going to breakdown at any second…anda hija, dime.", the woman hold my hands in hers and rubs them

I avert my face but even doing that, my lips tremble. God knows how much I've needed someone to drown my sorrows into. My lips part ready to produce words but only sobs come out of them. Rosa hugs me, like everybody seems to be doing these days. "I-I just want to go-go home to my family, Mama Rosa. Ya no tengo a n-nadie. Micks is in her own little world and Wes he-he is gone. Everybody else is irrelevant if those two are not with me."

Rosa pats my back. She drifts off momentarily to turn off the stove and comes back, "Karime, you can't stop living your life…"

"I'm trying my best to move on.", I mutter agitatedly, "It's difficult with this town reminding me of all my sorrows and shit. I-I need to get away."

Woman who I've come to know as a mother figure slowly shakes her head, "Es TU vida, mami. I cannot hold you back if that's what you really want. If you think it'll help you get better…go for it. Just know that there are people out here who still love and need you. Example, Dominick and the little angel: their mama isn't able to care for them…"

Wiping my tears, it escaped me that these children would be needing me. After all, Phil will probably be going off to Kentucky sooner or later, Maria she's…she's probably thinking of leaving too, McKenzie—that woman isn't stable, Mama Rosa and her husband are elderly, and I wouldn't have the heart to dump them with any of my people, "And that boy…Phil.", I hear the elderly woman say

"What about him?"

"Esta pero BIEN enamorado…"

"Who said?"

She glares at me as if I'm playing dumb, "Him. The way he talks to the boy about you…sarcastic, sarcastic but he's in love."

Pulling my hair, "How is it that he has been here?

"The mornings."

"Oh…well, I like him."

The woman smiles, "See, that's what I like to hear."

"We don't even know each other enough…"

"Let's do something. How about you forget TODO if not for the rest of the day, yeah? Go out with him, spend some time getting to know each other, and just try, TRY to feel alive and happy. Can you do that?", she stares at me with hope

Scratching at my scalp, "Can't we just get back to talking about my depressed self? Dijiste que querias saber de—"

"STOP!", he raised voice makes me shrink in my seat, "I'm sure that I'm not the first that has told you this: everytime somebody wants to help you, lend you a hand…you—I-I dunno recoil and crawl back into your shell. Marleene Karime, jus-just stop being difficult and let yourself be helped—"

You sound so much like Wesley…"I need a smoke."

Woman sighs and digs around for a pack and lighter, "Emmy will snap if you finish it. Go outside on the patio.", she drops the items in my hands and shoos me

"…then she was like 'Punk you're such a'…uh…she said a colorful word that isn't really PG, Champ—anyway, after she got up she hugged me and completely destroyed my jeans with all that mud. Man, those were my fuc—I mean, my favorite jeans.", recounts Phil as I walk by

Dominick laughs, "Wow, Auntie Marley was bad."

My ears perk up, "Come again?"

"Just telling the kid about that one time I ACIDENTLY pushed you into the mud.", replies Phil with a lopsided smirk

I frown and continue out to the porch. Closing the slide-doors, a foot stops them. It's Phil. I roll my eyes and lean on the railing, lighting up the cancer stick, "I need some alone time, Punk."

He leans next to me, "You've had enough for the both of us, haven't you?"

A sideways glare, "Well then I'll have enough for Eli and whoever the fuck."

He smirks, "What ol' Rose say to get you all pissy?"

"The truth."

He whistles amusedly, "They DO say it hurts…"

"Another asshole-like comment and I won't refrain from sticking you square in the face."

"Well, I do like the badassy type."

Counting on a lowblow to get him away, "Maria is anything but 'badass'…she's safe, clean-cut…"

He chuckles off to the side, "Not safe enough, darling. She's out there…with Dave. That's pretty 'badass' for her.", I damn near choke on my puff. My eyes bug out. Straining to catch my breath, I drop my cigarette which Phil graciously stomps out, "Really, you could die just sucking on that exhaust and you still choose to risk it?"

"How-how'd you know?", I manage to croak out

He removes a dangling strand of hair from my face, "I like to consider myself observant and well—Hey, didn't you say you were here for the sport?"

Caught between asking about his knowledge of Maria's cheating and going along with his diversion, I chose going along, "Uh, uh…yeah but I-I got too much on my mind to even fake a smile or be normal…"

Punk thinks on it for a minute, "You hungry? 'Cus I'm starving…I'll treat you to a V-day dinner."

His spontaneity catches me off guard, "Uh…?"

"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer.", I still stare at him, "Not a date, just two old friends going out to catch up."

"Where would we leave Eli?"

"I think Rose would be up for it."

"I dunno, Punk."

Rolling his eyes, "Come on.", when he sees that I'm still undecided, he clutches his heart dramatically, "Oh, Mar, please…please do this for my kind YET battered soul. I only seek to spend some time with thee if for only a mo—"

Covering his mouth with my hand, "Okay, Romeo. No funny business though. You're still with Maria and I'm...I'm still trying to find the greener side of the grass."

"That makes two of us, beautiful.", he takes hold of my hand, "On the bright side, you got a handsome motherfucker to search with.", he grins cheesily

"Oh god...", I facepalm, "You're a douche.", shaking my hand out of his, "I'm going to tell Rosa about this...this NON-date"

"She knows!", he shouts as I pass by a half-asleep Dominick and grinning Rosa with Eli in arms

I mean mug Rosa, "Fucking set-up or what?", stop it, you know you're digging this...

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