She can still remember the ache in her heart as she makes her way into the room which was once painted a soft yellow and is now a light grey and white. She can still remember just how empty and alone she felt in the weeks that followed as she spent hour upon hour sitting in the rocking chair clutching the little cream bunny that they'd bought when she was only eight weeks pregnant. She can still remember the feeling that she'd never be happy again, that she'd never smile or laugh again and the overwhelming feeling that she'd never be able to go through another pregnancy. She can remember the guilt she felt at not being able to keep her daughter alive, for weeks she convinced herself that Elvis blamed her for what happened and that one day he'd just leave and never come back. She remembers the sympathetic looks people gave her for months after it happened and she'll never forget how Elvis looked at her like she was broken.
One year ago, she was finally getting back to what felt like a sense of normality, a new normal for them both. She'd finally come off regimental duties and felt ready to go on a tour; a humanitarian mission in Nigeria to train and mentor Nigerians and also work in the outreach facility giving people medical help that they so desperately need. She and Elvis got married in a small, private ceremony which meant the absolute world to her to finally be able to call herself Mrs Harte. On what would've been Millie's first birthday they got tattoos of her tiny footprint on the space right above their hearts. They kept the day simple; had a balloon release with close family and friends whilst remembering their little girl and all the love that surrounded her. Her heart ached that day but she couldn't deny the fact that she felt so loved seeing so many people who loved her daughter.
Now she sits in the same rocking chair with tears streaming down her cheeks as her heart once again aches for Millie who would've turned two tomorrow; her heart longs for all the new milestones they would've experience with their little girl this year and all the things she wishes she could whisper to her whilst she sleeps. Her body aches with even the slightest movement and her stomach feels so empty. She can't help but think that things feel so similar to this time two years ago but at the same time they feel so different and as she stares down at the tiny bundle curled up against her chest, she knows her heart has never felt so full.
Never in a million years did she expect those two blue lines when she tooks that test as part of her medical before going to Nigeria. She spent the entire pregnancy worrying about everything that could go wrong, unlike with Millie she refused to buy absolutely anything and booked more private scans than you could even count. Many nights she woke in a cold sweat as she dreamt of losing this baby just like they'd lost Millie. At 5:34am, two days before Millie's second birthday, Phoebe Grace was born at exactly thirty-seven weeks weight 6lbs 8oz. She's never forget that moment when the doctor lifted the newborn onto her chest with the biggest smile on his face and uttered those words she longed to hear.
'Congratulations, mummy… You've got a beautiful, healthy baby.'
With brown wispy hair like her daddy and her mummy's eyes, Phoebe is practically perfect in every way. She uses her finger to gently run down the sleeping baby's cheek as he makes his way into the room with a bottle of water. He sits down on the edge of the table beside the rocking chair exactly like he did two years ago only this time she glances up at him with a small smile on her face.
'It's different this time.' He almost whispers. Taking a deep breath she nods her head and smiles because it is different this time and nothing will ever be the same.