We now take a brake from serious considerations of the mangaverse to bring you utter crack. I got requests for a sequel to the 'Playing With Fire' oneshot, and I was kind of surprised by this, because basically Shinji grabs Kaworu, sticks him into Lilith and the whole thing with Giant Naked Rei happens, except Shinji stays in there and has lots of sex: I thought that was pretty well established.

Then I figured, well, I can't really do a sequel, but despite having such a volume of fic and some good cracky authors, not to mention being a cracky SF series, Eva is surprisingly short on a lot of the traditional kinds of crackfic, or at least I haven't been able to find examples of them.

Anyway, I ended up settling on the obligatory sex pollen/aliens made them do it (does it count if they are aliens?) fic. Or rather it ended up hijacking the serious(ish) manga 'verse AU I was trying to write. I regret very little, but I still plan to write the serious version of the For Want Of A Nail divergence during this battle fic.

Armisael's tendrils crawled up under his skin, looking like the bulging veins he'd seen on some of the old men. He was just glad Armisael had made sure the ones she was encroaching on didn't feel any pain, otherwise that looked like it had to hurt. He could use his AT field to force her out, but now would be a bad time to reveal himself. He guessed that he was just going to have to sit back and wait. There was nothing else a human could do in this situation, with an angel infecting his Eva after she'd cut one of its feet off.

It was probably a good thing that Armisael wasn't thinking about applied Lilim biology, because after the field medicine he'd been forced to learn, Kaworu could think of a few things he'd do with the chemicals Lilim used as painkillers if he was Armisael. Fortunately she was probably just tapping into and hijacking the nervous system instead of messing around with opiates or the chemicals that governed human emotions.

…Kaworu realized belatedly that recreational chemistry and what an angel could do with it was a very, very stupid thing to think about when one of the others was hooked into his brain trying to find a way to make the two of them willing to become one with her and whee hugs!

"Father, send me out!" Shinji demanded again as Rei made a strange sound and Kaworu giggled, which couldn't possibly be good. Then both of them started glowing.

"Two more AT fields! Four more? It's hard to tell, they're all…" Not melding together, but… "Both the entry plugs are reading as empty!" Maya said, more bad news as Rei and Kaworu disappeared and their Evas fell to the ground. Not paralyzed, they were still moving, but…

"The angel's got them," Misato said in a way that was as good as a curse as Rei's white and Kaworu's black-purple plugsuit appeared among the coils of the angel. Except… Two blue heads? She could get a clearer view once the angel disappeared, although Misato didn't need Maya to tell her the blue pattern hadn't disappeared to verify that it wasn't dead. It was still surprisingly hard to get a headcount in that tangle of limbs. At least until the camera managed to zoom in.

Hyuga was the one to say, "Are those Evas…?" They were robots, so it couldn't be what it looked like, right? Even with the, the legs entangled and the inhuman heads trying to find some non-awkward way to, well…

There wasn't anything ambiguous about a pale pink tongue licking up Rei's cheek, although what was confusing was that it belonged to another Rei, who giggled happily. Rei didn't giggle, much less sound so delighted about the proximity of another human being and touch as Kaworu did the same to her, only to be somewhat pounced on by the other Rei who seemed to want to kiss at them both and rub all over the plugsuits that fit like a second skin.

Then the Evas vanished, leaving something else in their place. Ritsuko gasped and pressed her hands to flaming cheeks. She'd thought she was too old and jaded for that kind of thing, but, "Mom?!" and a redhead that looked kind of like Asuka. Naked. Wait, was that Dr. Sohryu?!

Subcommander Fuyutsuki was so shocked he spit out his coffee, more than a bit of it landing on Gendo's suit. Gendo Ikari wasn't sure if he regretted not deploying Unit 01 or not. On the one hand, naked Yui. On the other, that might result in naked Yui with people who weren't him, and neither of the Akagis were anywhere near good enough for his Yui. The twin Reis, though…

That was when one of the Reis and Kaworu decided that the plugsuits were getting in the way of more touching, and started helping the other Rei undress, since she didn't seem to know how the entire clothing concept worked.

"Deploy Unit 01," Gendo ordered, eyes narrowed.

"What?" Misato asked. Was Gendo insane? Risk their one remaining Eva?

"Deploy Unit 01 and give it a shotgun." He wasn't sure which of the ones that looked like Rei was Armisael, but both of those angels were going to get their goddamn hands off the clone that looked like his wife. Gendo had managed to resist temptation for all these years (because Yui would fucking kill him), so he wasn't going to sit here and watch some angels get some from something that looked like Yui, not after all these years of near-celibacy. The Akagis were needy business, not pleasure. Fortunately, complementation would allow Yui to see that no, he hadn't been into it at all, otherwise he might be in trouble.

"Yes, Commander," Misato acknowledged. "…Shinji? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he said, blushing and desperately trying to look innocent and his hands trying not to be obviously covering something else. Why, oh why did these plugsuits have to be skintight?!

Shinji was at a loss even after he was launched, because what was he supposed to fire at? He wasn't sure which was the angel, but there was only one Rei before so it was probably one of them. How could he figure out which one, and shoot her without hitting the real Rei when he wasn't sure which hands belonged to which body, forget which body belonged to which… being? Or maybe neither of them was Rei? It wasn't very like Rei to be so, so uninhibited, but then the angel had to be messing with their minds.

He still envied Kaworu. Why did Gendo have to send him out with Rei instead of Shinji? No, no, he shouldn't want to take advantage of Rei when she was like this even if, um, she was very pretty all sprawled out like that, lying there lazily for a moment to recover and watch the other two touch, a pale hand that was probably Kaworu's stroking lazily down her stomach so she didn't feel left out even for a moment.

No, Shinji told himself, shaking his head, he had to stop the angel!

Fingers found their destination, and Rei began to move her hips slowly, languidly, savoring the feeling.

…Although did he really have to stop the angel right this second?

Shinji was too distracted to notice an emanation of the angel in the shape of Rei reaching out to ensnare his Eva, much less Misato's cries of warning until an encroaching tendril hit his bloodstream and he began to walk forward, ignoring logic and self-preservation because really, he was almost fifteen and his conscious mind hadn't even managed to get him laid once, forget helping him stop being so miserable all the damn time.

Since the two of them were male, Kaworu and then Shinji fell asleep in the nest of Armisael's tendrils first, bodies satiated but still luxuriating in the feeling of skin on skin, not needing the angel's interference to be blissed out by the combination of afterglow and oxycotin. Shinji especially had seriously needed a hug, and he wasn't going to leave such a ready supply of them. That left Rei and Armisael to enjoy themselves for a little longer before snuggling into the pile, waking Shinji and Kaworu up enough for the boys to give them a nuzzle and a sleepy kiss on the cheek before they all drifted off to sleep.

That was when the AT field that walled the rest of the base out after Shinji arrived (identified by the Magi as that of the Second Angel) fell, and Misato and her team were able to move in.

Since she wasn't fool enough to get in attack range of the angel, especially seeing what happened to Shinji, Kaworu was poked with a very long pole. It took a few tries before he blinked awake. Ish. "What?" he asked crossly, seeing a bunch of Lilim staring at him.

"Report."

Kaworu thought that they should have gotten a fairly clearish view of it, all things considered. Not that it mattered to him. "Armisael meddled with our biochemistry, and it affected her drive to merge too." He spread his senses out through the others, and "What?"

The light of the soul of the one human among them was now stronger, strong enough to be a proper angel, not just a Lilim. Kaworu didn't know who was responsible for that, but he was pleased to see that Shinji now had silver hair, like them. Lilim instinct (monkeys, of all things) made him mouth it, teeth gently tugging on translucent strands. He was even more pleased when he licked at that neck to find that under the sweat of earlier pleasure, Shinji tasted like them now. The clean scent of water and thunder. He hummed, languid and approving, and licked him again. He might have kept going until all that scent of death and frailty was removed from Shinji, but at the moment he was still sleepy and satiated, so that could wait.

Angels didn't produce offspring this way, but it was too soon to tell if either Rei or Armisael had spawned in the Lilim fashion. He doubted it, though. He and Rei were hybrids, and probably infertile because of it, Armisael had copied Rei's form and Shinji was one of them now. It was still a pity: as a Seed of Life, even a debased one, the drive to create a race was strong and it would have been a very pleasant surprise to wake up to.

Then he grimaced, and had to spit out the hairs that had gotten in his mouth. That didn't help his opinion of Lilim instinct, or Lilim in general, not that he'd formed a very good opinion of them after being raised by those old men.

Idly, he wondered if Armisael's drive to reach Adam would stay altered. Both of them shared the drive to spawn (even if that was supposed to be after passing the test of being the one to merge), and it wasn't as though the Lilim could use eighty percent of this planet. They would still be annoying about sharing it with other races, but the Lilim could suck it. With Tabris and Armisael's souls to defend their offspring until they were old enough to shield themselves, the Lilim wouldn't be able to attack while Tabris was sleeping. Not anymore.

He'd known for years that SEELE's assassins would come after him if he failed to trigger Third Impact, and it was impossible to focus on maintaining a shield when his mind was asleep. Especially in a human body like this, even angels had to sleep sometime. Killing him wasn't the worst thing they could do: Kaworu knew what they'd done to Adam while he slept. Kaworu was one of the things they'd done to the sleeping Seed of Life.

Yet with Armisael to guard him while he slept? Rei could come with them too: even though Lilith was barren, he wouldn't mind sharing his spawn with her.

Since Shinji was one of them now, he could join them as well. Was that the intent of whoever had transformed him? Probably Rei: Kaworu had sensed her feelings for him while they were linked by Armisael. If he deserved her opinion of him, he would be a worthy addition, and since there would already be more than one angel's offspring on this world, he wondered what Shinji's spawn would be like, even though it was a pity the child of Lilith had become a Black Seed, so his young would be closer to Lilim than true angels.

Ah well, they'd almost have to be an improvement over the current weak and ambitionless race of humanity that dominated this world.

Kaworu hummed again, tucking his head against Shinji's shoulder and entwining a leg with Armisael's, making himself comfortable again.

"Kaworu! Armisael? And what happened to Shinji?"

"Armisael. The Eleventh Angel." He wasn't going to point out to Misato which of the females was Armisael, not when she hated angels.

"You mean they have names?" Not just code names, but names? And who had named this one?

"Ask SEELE, they're the ones with the list. The Secret Dead Sea Scrolls name all the angels from Adam to Lilim, the first through the thirteenth." Kaworu yawned.

"You mean there are two more angels?" And someone knew this and hadn't told NERV?

"Two? There are a few billion more angels." Oh, yes, she didn't know that. "The Thirteenth Angel, Lilim, is the spawn of Lilith. You humans. Lilim will make their bid for godhood," he snorted, "after the Twelfth Angel doesn't."

"What? Explain!"

"Instrumentality is bullshit," he said succinctly. "Now go bother the Evas or something, I'm tired." He slammed up his AT field, hoping she'd have gone away by the time he went from pleasantly drowsy to fully asleep. At first he only walled out the sound of her voice and that stick of hers, but then he remembered modesty and blocked out light as well, for Rei and Shinji's sake.

Angels didn't have mates, but he was beginning to wonder if they were missing out. Temporary Lilim-style physical merges were very pleasant, and definitely superior to having his soul obliterated. A pity that Rei and Shinji had been raised among the Lilim, but hopefully they wouldn't need too much convincing to do this again.

The Magi identified the AT field that sprung up as that of the Twelfth Angel, which only confirmed Misato's suspicions.

The Eleventh, Twelfth and Second: was Shinji the only human in there? The only functional human pilot left? If he was even human anymore, now that he looked so much like the other three. Had Rei and Kaworu really been angels all along? Had Commander Ikari known that? Had the Committee for Human Instrumentality known that when they were sent Kaworu? What was this about bids for godhood?

Several dozen meters away, the three women who were what remained of the Evas were being given bathrobes and herded into a truck under guard. Commander Ikari was being handcuffed and led into a different truck.

"Clearly his judgment has been compromised, since he left the base and went into the area controlled by an angel," Subcommander Fuyutsuki had told her, a twitching eyebrow the only sign of his fury. Damn Gendo, how could he do things like that with and to sweet, innocent Yui in full view of all of NERV's cameras? "We'll have to relieve him of duty until Dr. Akagi can verify that he's mentally sound and not under the control of the angel."

Since Ritsuko's own expression could be summed up by 'I have needles, lots and lots of lovely needles,' Misato was fairly certain that wouldn't be happening anytime soon.

All that was left of the angel's… normal (for angels) form was the bed of soft-looking matter the three pilots lay on, them and whichever Rei was the angel… the Eleventh Angel. Had Gendo sent Shinji out hoping that the angel would destroy Unit 01, their one remaining functional Eva, in order to get back what looked like his wife? The other two looked like Ritsuko's and Asuka's mothers, but Misato wasn't going to trust that their loyalties were still human, not when the angel had tampered with their bodies. If they even were those people in the first place, instead of just the Evas in bodies modeled after people who worked on them.

A few minutes later the AT field disappeared, the pilots and angel along with it.

When the Magi tracked the wormhole to Misato's apartment and she and a team arrived there, the shower was running and Shinji was in the kitchen with a towel around his waist and Kaworu attached to his back. "Hi, Misato?" he said sheepishly as he kept making breakfast. His attempt to look innocent and apologetic was ruined when Kaworu reached a ticklish spot on his shoulder. "Kaworu!"

Kaworu hummed, dismissing his objections as he kept tracing Shinji's collarbone with his tongue.

"I can just take a shower when Rei and Ammy are done," Shinji reminded him. He was trying to be annoyed with Kaworu as per usual, but it wasn't working at the moment. Not when he felt this good and what Kaworu did, while weird (at least that was normal), was also good enough that Shinji wasn't going to make him stop just because the girls weren't here right now.

"This is better, isn't it?" Kaworu asked completely rhetorically, ignoring Misato and the men who came in behind her, much less the gun pointed at them.

Misato frowned at him. "Shinji, what happened?"

"Well, I woke up and I was hungry, and I accidently woke up everyone else." When his stomach growled they felt his discomfort, and since none of them wanted to leave him they all came with him. The thought still made Shinji feel warm, which was why he was making a much nicer breakfast than was really necessary.

"Haven't you noticed what it did to you?" Misato asked, hoping to get through to him.

"Oh, this?" Shinji reached up to touch his hair and smiled. "I like it. I don't look much like my father now."

He didn't. When she came in, Misato thought he was Rei or the angel at first until the bare flat chest and the Shinjiness of his expression registered. "You're all going to have to come with us," she told him, gun still raised.

"…But I haven't finished making… lunch?" It definitely wasn't breakfast, even if they had just woken up so he was preparing breakfast food. "Dinner? Yet."

"We'll bring you food back at NERV."

Shinji looked at her with an expression that was half deliberately pitiful, half asking what the hell she was thinking. But that would waste all the food Shinji was in the middle of preparing, and NERV's food was terrible! He still didn't seem at all intimidated by the gun, although Misato hadn't noticed the quick flash of 'Oh crap' there had been in his eyes when the key turned in the lock before Kaworu squeezed him. Shinji was actually so embarrassed about having sex in front of Misato and everyone that there wasn't much fear or embarrassment left over for anything else, and Misato didn't need to point a gun at him, really.

It also wouldn't work, with Kaworu here. Shinji was actually more worried for Misato than himself, because while Kaworu clearly liked him a lot now, this was the same person who had snapped that kitten's neck. Quick and painless, yes, but that also implied that he knew how to snap human necks (since why else would he have been taught how?) and other means of killing people without using his AT field. Shinji was just glad Kaworu didn't take the gun seriously enough to stop licking him, forget doing anything about Misato or her weapon.

It also felt good when it wasn't making him giggle. Actually, it felt good then too. Warm arms around him, guarding his back, a hand willing to rub the tension out of his shoulders… Shinji wanted to focus on finishing breakfast up quick, and then they could see if they and the girls could fit on the bed in his room.

The thought made him blush, but more with eagerness than embarrassment.

"Shinji, you've been tampered with by an angel." And her trigger finger was itchy, her gun wanted to waver up to point at Kaworu's head instead of the center of mass.

"But Ammy… She was just lonely. She doesn't want to cause Third Impact anymore, because then everyone would be absorbed into a single new person and she wouldn't have any friends anymore." Although were the four of them friends now, exactly? Shinji was overwhelmed with happiness that Rei loved him, and instead of thinking that Rei was being silly and Shinji obviously wasn't good enough when they saw her feelings, the other two had agreed, had welcomed him into their arms. They were even sharing the light of their souls with him: his own wasn't very strong, but the reflected light from all three of them shining on him would give him the power to protect them. Misato too, and Asuka: it was too late to save Touji, but he didn't need the Eva to fight anymore. "And Kaworu-"

"There's still SEELE and NERV," Kaworu warned him. "I don't know how they're planning to bring about Third Impact, but hopefully losing Unit 01 will set them back a bit. I don't know what Ikari's up to and SEELE obviously didn't tell me much, but it has to be significant that your Eva was made from the body of Lilith."

"Oh." Shinji sighed.

"You don't have to fight if you don't want to." Kaworu bit at his neck, just gently, to show that he didn't mind fighting. "Let us handle it."

Shinji blushed again, touched, but, "I want to help protect all of you, too."

"Worry about Rei: she's untrained and they need the soul of one of the seeds, so that means they have to come after her or me. She's the one Gendo had access to and SEELE's backup plan must involve her, since I would have been dead by that point."

"Kaworu!" Shinji scolded, finally noticing that Kaworu had slipped one of his hands much too low while Shinji was distracted. "Not while I'm cooking!" What if it burned? "The sooner I'm done, the sooner we can…" Oh, Misato was here. If Kaworu just wanted sex, "You can go in the shower too, you know."

"And leave you alone?" Of course not. "Rei and Ammy would never forgive me for letting you be neglected."

Shinji blushed happily again, but "You still haven't moved your hand."

"Mmm," Kaworu agreed, looking wicked. "Focus."

Shinji hit him with a spoon, not that hard though. Kaworu just laughed, and a moment later Shinji did too, after Kaworu'd raised both his hands to wrap his arms around Shinji's chest.

Misato realized how sad it was that it was actively strange to see Shinji happy, that she was interpreting it as an obvious sign that he had been mentally tampered with because it just wasn't natural for him to be happy, foursome with twins or no foursome with twins.

If Gendo ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. One way to look at Eva (in the anime's present as opposed to the backstory) is that he's spreading it around with a very big stick.

There's one Eva fic I'm very fond of called Whisper where number one on the list of incomprehensible things about humanity is that they spend time making others miserable and plotting the end of the world when that time could instead be spent having sex. It's kind of like cake or death, except hugs plus orgasms or death. Of course, given the whole naked hugging thing one could interpret instrumentality either as the return to the womb or a species-wide eternal orgy. Everyone understanding each other perfectly in the Biblical sense. Hey, it's as described in the Dead Sea Scrolls, and they're ancient Biblical and apocryphal texts.