What happens in this chapter is definitely molestation/sexual harassment, even though Kaworu is unaware of the sexual part. He's still very aware that what he is doing is a violation of Shinji's body and knowledge that he controls his own body.
Shinji, on the other hand, has seen too much porn with the whole 'initially unwilling person ends up really liking it' scenario.
The manga chapter after Kaworu's death has Shinji admit that he actually did wind up liking and being attracted to Kaworu, while earlier chapters have him claim that "Guys don't like guys" and clearly establish that he regards homosexual desire as taboo. So if placed within a scenario where according to hentai, he is actually allowed to have the sex he wants but is socially obligated to claim that he doesn't, he would feel quite cheated if no actual orgasms were forthcoming. "This is all your fault. Now that this is established, break out the tentacles and start pleasuring me in multiple ways until it feels so good I can't help enthusiastically having sex with you for hours- What do you mean, you have no idea what I'm talking about?' Yeah, sorry Shinji, if you were in that kind of genre you'd have scored with Rei and Asuka by now, not to mention Misato.
After playing Mana Khemia and dealing with Anna, 'please take responsibility' will never stop being funny. There's part of the descriptions of Lilith and Adam that made me think of Okami. Lilith, mother of us all…
Manga!Kaworu is a pretty, desperate young godling when tortured, which may be part of why Sadamoto does it on so many levels. When in canon his only hope is death and then thanks to the clones even death won't let him escape SEELE, I can be incredibly evil and still have it count as a fixit due to being less nasty than canon.
Kaworu's hand was fisted in his shirt. Shinji's hand hovered over Kaworu's wrist, but wasn't even bothering to touch him, let alone try to remove him.
Shinji wasn't willing to be his friend: he'd said that before, but this was now, when Kaworu had these feelings inflicted on him and Shinji had lost everyone else except Misato, who he could hardly bear to talk to.
Armisael's attack was days ago, and now the old men demanded to speak with him today. Tabris knew he was running out of time, and Shinji wouldn't even look at him.
Anger and desperation had Tabris in their grip along with that sickening, torturous feeling known as love, and he was this close to just letting go of Shinji and leaving, utterly defeated. Knowing he had no chance of getting what Armisael had made him want. Just walking away.
Except he would be walking to his meeting with the old men, another step on the path the Lilim had ordained, cruel and uncaring, just like Shinji. And if he couldn't do anything to them, if Armisael and Rei were too dead to take this out on, Shinji was right here.
If he'd thought it over he would have refrained: he had spent all his life being controlled, so the thought of doing it to another was repugnant. He knew just how terrible it was. Yet in that moment he was hopeless, and furious, and why not? He hadn't used his powers to keep Armisael out of him because he was afraid of blowing his cover then, being forced to attack and die sooner than he had to, but what was the point when his sister had made his last days even more unpleasant?
Why not give this Lilim a taste of what it was to be kept floating in a tube, unable to have any control over the world around him, even his own body and fate?
Extensions of himself like the ones Armisael sent into him punched through the fabric of Shinji's shirt, crawled up under Shinji's skin like bulging veins and Kaworu was far too upset to remember to keep Shinji from actually feeling the penetration. The pilot's eyes widened, alarmed, finally looking at Kaworu and having the arrogance to want his help, again, after utterly ignoring Kaworu's own wishes.
Kaworu still made it stop hurting when he reached the brain. A moment after he paralyzed Shinji, taking control of the Lilim's body for himself and sinking those extensions further into him, so they weren't apparent on the surface. Kaworu, Tabris, was an angel: he could be in multiple places at once, like Israfel, if he made the effort. Now he could make Shinji dance like a fellow puppet.
Now he could make Shinji kiss him back.
For now, all he did was let go, making Shinji's body sit down. "I have to talk to the old men. Just wait here for now."
"You seem pleased," Keel said in greeting. Yes, that was the proper attitude for the angel to have when the Promised Day had arrived, now wasn't it?
Kaworu's smile only deepened, because the old men had no idea.
He took Shinji's hand as he made the other pilot walk home with him. It wasn't necessary to do that in order to make Shinji's body keep up walking alongside him, but one of the things love caused was the desire to touch. If Shinji still had his aversion to human contact, Kaworu told himself, he didn't care. It was stupid and Shinji was stupid (perhaps the Asuka he'd replaced as Unit 02's pilot had the right of it) and "This is my last day on earth, so I'm going to do what I want."
Shinji had honestly expected Kaworu to give up and go away in the face of Shinji's refusal to be his friend. Hitting him or hurting him was something Asuka would do. It was almost a triumph to be able to say no and have it work, when his father and Misato demanded that he pilot the Eva and what Shinji wanted had nothing to do with anything. He'd wanted Rei to live, he'd cried out for his father to send him out to help her, and look what happened.
Yes, there'd been desperation in Kaworu's eyes after the first time Shinji said that no, he still refused to care about him, but Shinji hadn't cared enough to push him away this time, or thought that he needed to fight him off, not when Kaworu had let him go after kissing him that time. Kaworu was freaky, but he wasn't dangerous unless you were better off dead.
Shinji really wouldn't have cared if someone killed him after failing to protect Rei, so…
So he really hadn't expected to feel tentacles stabbing into him, to find himself unable to scream or to be lowered down to the ground to sit there paralyzed with nothing to do but panic as Kaworu stood out in the lake on a statue for some reason. Had Rei failed to kill the angel because it was inside Kaworu as well as inside her and her Eva? He wanted revenge for Rei, for his Rei, but he couldn't move or warn anyone. When the angel already had him and Kaworu, who was going to kill it? There was the replacement Rei, but Unit 02 would have to be reset or something in order for her to pilot it, so was Shinji in the angel's clutches until then?
He wasn't expecting an angel to make them walk home holding hands like they were… not friends, guys didn't do that sort of thing. When Shinji could see his face out of eyes he couldn't control, Kaworu looked hurt and defiant, but he would smile a bit when his eyes lowered to their joined hands. It was when he said "This is my last day on earth, so I'm going to do what I want," that Shinji realized maybe this really was Kaworu.
Kaworu being an angel, well, that wasn't good, but being at Kaworu's mercy when Kaworu was going to do whatever he wanted to Shinji? When Kaworu did weird stuff like get right up in Shinji's face while they were naked and kiss him and now they were walking home holding hands like they were boyfriend and girlfriend?
That was when Shinji began to feel genuinely afraid, to try to struggle desperately against whatever was keeping him from control over his body. It almost made it worse that he couldn't find anything to struggle against: when he tried to move his arm nothing happened, there wasn't some oppressive force that he could try to fight off. He was just cut off, only a spectator in his body.
Like he'd watched and felt what the Eva did when the dummy plug (when one of Rei's clones, no, his father) killed Touji.
He should have felt sick, scared and wrong enough to want to throw up, but his emotions weren't affecting his body either. His body felt fine even as his mind flailed, seeing and feeling everything but unable to affect his own body, forget the outside world.
As they got closer and closer to Kaworu's room Shinji grew more and more terrified, wishing the angel would head for Central Dogma instead. No, this meant that it really might be Kaworu in charge, and Kaworu would take off Shinji's clothing and do this and that to him like Shinji was a girl…
Except when he had Shinji stand in the middle of the room once the door closed behind them, it wasn't to make Shinji strip or get down on his knees, it was to have Shinji put his arms around Kaworu as Kaworu hugged him back. Kaworu did kiss him, but it was almost more nuzzling his lips, then sliding his cheek against Shinji's before settling his chin on Shinji's shoulder, just as Shinji's was on Kaworu's. It was… oddly soft, and gentle, for someone who had snapped a kitten's neck.
Kaworu sighed slowly, contentedly, as Shinji's hands were run down his back. "You must hate me so much for doing this to you, but that works out well, doesn't it?"Not explaining those words, he decided to have Shinji go "On the bed." It was Shinji's body that took Kaworu's hand, that lay down first and pulled Kaworu down to lie next to him. Shinji could see a little frown on Kaworu's face as he tried to figure out how they could lie on their sides with their arms wrapped around each other without their arms getting squished.
"There," he said, when they were arranged to his satisfaction, lying on rumpled white sheets. Shinji couldn't help thinking of the messy ruin that was Rei's room, even though Kaworu's had been much neater before… Before Shinji started staying there after Rei's death. The magazine Kaworu was reading when Shinji left for what he'd thought would be the final time was still lying on the ground.
If this was some sort of sign of how Kaworu's mind had decayed when he was weird enough when he arrived, Shinji should be feeling even more fear, not wondering if he was responsible for this. He didn't want to feel pity or empathy for anyone else, that was why he'd rejected Kaworu. He didn't want to lose any more people, and hadn't Kaworu said this was his last day on earth?
As he thought Kaworu started leaning into him, more than just a little. "Mmm… You're warm. I don't understand why you didn't want to do this before when you were the upset one: it's making me feel so much better, although you're probably terrified right now. You must hate me so much… I wonder if you'll have nightmares, although you already do. Will you be unable to forget me, just like her?" A hand reached up to stroke Shinji's hair, first running fingers through the strands and then scratching gently at his scalp. "The First Child was a fool to die like that." It was unfair of Shinji to attack him for telling the truth. "She locked Armisael inside with the Eva's AT field, but she had her own AT field too: she could have protected herself and survived the explosion. If she'd lived, she could have had this with you. You loved her, didn't you? So she could have had this even before then. Had you in her bed without you staying on your half and calling her weird when she touched you to make you feel better."
To Kaworu it was Shinji who was weird, although less disturbing and more fucking annoying.
That hand kept caressing his head, a slow rhythm. "And you were willing to touch her to make her feel better, and she didn't take advantage of it every moment that she could. She was a fool, and something like you still loved something like her." How strange. "But there's no more time to try to make you love me back. The old men will hunt me down if I don't go today." Kaworu's voice was bitter now. "I should think about how I want to die. What do you think, Shinji? You know I'm an angel and you must hate me for doing this to you. Making you unable to move while I do things to you, treating you like a thing instead of a person, one that I can use just because I have power… I'm acting like the old men." Kaworu sighed. "You must hate me."
Kaworu was an angel? Kaworu really was an angel?
And Rei had an AT field? What, what was all of this? Being trapped like this, not knowing what was happening, being made to do things: was it really different from before? Wasn't it the nature of his life as an Eva pilot?
"At least a bed is much nicer than being stuck in a tube. And I haven't taken your clothes off, since it bothers you that much," which Kaworu felt was very generous of him. "I don't understand you humans. The old man made me be naked all the time: it was supposed to be purer, a better way to be, but then you think that nakedness is bad. Of course, the old men could have been lying to me." Kaworu wouldn't be surprised. "They want to force me to do things, like go to Lilith… Perhaps I was just lucky I didn't know that was something I should be ashamed of. But you're warm, Shinji. I want to feel your skin more. Feel close to you, but I don't want to be like the old men. Even if I'm already using you for what I want even though you must hate it." Like Kaworu hated it, and them. "Yes: I want to kill them, even if I won't be able to, so you must want to kill me." Kaworu nuzzled at his cheek. "By the shore. Like my human name. Or how my name seems." He sighed, warm breath ghosting across Shinji's ear. "Kaworu Nagisa… It's nothing but code for the Final Messenger. The other name they gave me is in their stupid prophecies: Tabris. That one's even more of a joke: Free Will? When my only freedom from them will be death?"
This time Shinji was glad he couldn't feel nauseous, remembering the big aquarium full of naked Reis. And his father had let them be kept like that? Had he gone down there and looked at them like that? If Kaworu had been made by some 'old men' and they'd made him be naked even when he was awake and aware (although what about Rei's clones? They were scared when they were dying, so had they been people?), then what else had they done to him?
Was that how Kaworu had gotten the idea that it was normal to be that close to other guys while naked? Or to kiss other guys, the way he'd kissed Shinji that time? All the things that had disturbed Shinji? How he knew what a kiss was in the first place, if he was an angel? Or had he just learned it from the magazines and the TV in here?
What had Shinji's father done to Rei? How much of how weird Rei had been at the start was Rei and how much was Shinji's father's fault? How much of Kaworu's weirdness was that he was an angel and how much was that… urgh.
Kaworu was pretty for a guy, too. If someone was interested in that sort of thing. And they weren't afraid of what he could do because he was an angel if they were making him do stuff like strip naked all the time. Or would they want to do things to Kaworu more because if that, if they were talking about 'purity' and…
The other boy was nuzzling his cheek again, seemingly more just to feel skin on skin than any other reason, and Shinji wondered if this was what it was like to be a stuffed animal.
"I like beds, they're soft. And warm water. You're warm." Such weird things to say, but at least Kaworu sounded more content than speculative. Definitely not lustful, thank god. "It would waste time to carry a futon out to the shore, though it might be nice to feel the wind and the sun where I'm not feeling you. Human contact is very nice, isn't it…" Shinji was snuggled again, and then his own hand was grooming Kaworu's hair, running nails along his scalp the way Kaworu'd touched him. "Oh, that is nice." Kaworu stopped moving everything but Shinji's hand. "Humans are so stupid not to do this more…" He hummed softly, and Shinji realized that if Kaworu was a cat like the one he'd killed he'd be purring.
Eventually Shinji started scratching Kaworu's back instead, or Kaworu used him as a back scratcher, and then rubbing while Kaworu made more moany sounds that would turn anyone on, so it definitely wasn't Shinji's fault. It terrified him when he felt his body react, because at first he'd thought it was Kaworu making him do it instead of the fact that Kaworu was lying against him and making sounds like a girl and… Well, anyway, it was a relief that Kaworu didn't even seem to notice Shinji's reaction. Well, he must notice, since Kaworu was pressed up against him, but Kaworu wasn't hard and he didn't say anything about Shinji being hard instead of making his usual weird comments or using it as an excuse to strip Shinji naked and do more stuff to him. Did he even know what it meant?
Which Shinji didn't want him to! Even if Kaworu was moaning and pressing his entire body including his hips against Shinji and they'd been lying like this for hours just touching and cuddlingand it was getting really uncomfortable. Was this some kind of torture to get Shinji to want Kaworu to move? To want Kaworu to do more than just contentedly kiss or lick at him every so often, or whisper how good this felt in Shinji's ear when clearly it didn't feel that kind of good to Kaworu.
Shinji had gone from insisting that boys weren't into boys and Kaworu shouldn't love him and shouldn't act like it or do weird stuff to telling himself that it definitely wasn't his fault he was reacting when someone was rubbing against him and was Kaworu a eunuch or something? Or was it an angel thing that he still wasn't hard even though he was moaning softly and kissing Shinji with tongue sometimes, exploring and inviting Shinji to do the same except he couldn't move.
It wasn't that he wanted Kaworu to start groping him, or to read his thoughts and at least get Shinji off so he didn't suffer like this while Kaworu just cuddled like some girl. He'd kidnapped Shinji and had him at his mercy, and this was all he was going to do?
Shinji wanted to groan when he realized how messed-up it was that he was starting to feel cheated instead of relieved. Did Kaworu even know what sex was? He'd asked if love was wanting to touch, kiss and… caring if the other person died, when Kaworu thought he was going to die today.
No, if the (creepy) old men who raised him hadn't explained to Kaworu that being naked was freaky, they definitely hadn't explained why or given him the talk about sex in general. Possibly so that the angel wouldn't understand what they were doing to him… Shinji tried to tell his mind not to go there, really, but it wasn't like he had anything else to do but think and try not to think about what his body was doing or feeling or the sounds Kaworu was making just from having his back, scalp and neck rubbed (Shinji's hands hadn't gone under his clothes or anything perverted) or what was going to happen next.
They'd been out at the beach when the sun rose, so Kaworu dying (and presumably letting Shinji go) 'today' still left hours. Hours of Kaworu moving against him while making such pretty sounds, and now Kaworu's hands were rubbing Shinji's back, probably doing what he'd learned felt good by making Shinji's hands doing it to him, and oh Shinji knew he'd be moaning if he had enough control over his voice. It wasn't the kind of touch a certain part of Shinji was about ready to beg for, but damn, it felt so, so good. No wonder Kaworu had shuddered against him. It was a helpless feeling, but it was a good feeling.
It took Shinji a moment to register that Kaworu had murmured "I want to make you feel good. Will you smile when I free you and you can kill me? You can do anything you want to me and I'll let you, to make up for this. It feels good when your hands touch me: I wonder if I'll even enjoy being killed by you? I wish I could hear that you feel good now, but I don't want to hear you say that you hate me. Not now. You say things that hurt me, and I don't want to be hurt, not yet. I want to imagine that something like you loves me, because it's a good feeling."
Silence for awhile, but then Kaworu wondered "Do you think I should dress up or shower before we go to the beach for me to die, or will you just tear at me enough to ruin my clothes anyway? It's not like it really matters what I look like to people after I'm dead. Except… Well, as long as you remember me, you can have my body look however you like."
He was talking again, but Shinji didn't mind so much. It was a distraction from how good those hands felt and the way a certain part of him was starting to actively hurt. Damn it, if only he could talk and he could make Kaworu let him up long enough to go into the bathroom and take care of this or something. It was probably a good thing he hadn't had breakfast before he went to the beach, or he might actually have to go to the bathroom.
"Oh," Kaworu realized. "Since I don't want to waste time going to Terminal Dogma and letting you get in the Eva, I should leave my note somewhere it's easy to find so you won't get in trouble for killing me. Humans do, right? I've seen that on those TV shows, but the old men have people killed all the time, when they aren't wanted anymore. Or if they're disobedient, like not going to Lilith and causing Third Impact will be disobedient. But I don't want to die and I don't want you to die." He tilted his head up and kissed the line of Shinji's jaw, lowering his head relative to Shinji's, and it felt so weird for Kaworu who just did things regardless of what Shinji said, much less an angel, to do something that felt like a gesture of submission. Like Rei putting Shinji above herself, Shinji's life above her own. Like Rei's obedience to Gendo, before. And now, when the new her didn't know any better.
"Instrumentality will make all of us cease to be: I don't want to die the way they want. I want… I want to hear you," Kaworu decided. "But you must hate me. It's one thing to hear you say cruel things when you're killing me, since that way I'll know that you want my death, but not now." His hands stilled on Shinji's back, squeezed him. "If this feels good to you too, you won't hate it so much? Is wanting the other to feel good a part of love? Well yes, since touch and kisses are, and they feel good." The angel nodded, soft hair sliding along Shinji's jaw and cheek before Kaworu slid up him again, and this was some kind of gentle torture, even though Kaworu was oblivious to it.
Like being tied up, Shinji thought, and wanted to blush because this was making him a pervert. It was definitely all Kaworu's fault, definitely, for being so weird and… cute. Cute, now. Someone that needed Shinji, like Rei had needed him. Wanting Shinji to hold him, like Rei asking him to hold her hand. Guys weren't supposed to be cute! Guys weren't supposed to lick at the ears of other guys just because they wanted to touch and Shinji shouldn't be thinking of how warm Kaworu's breath was and how wet that tongue was.
Shouldn't be desperate to press his hips against Kaworu, roll over on top of him and make him stop obliviously teasing Shinji instead of getting out of here.
Shouldn't want to grab Kaworu's wrists and push them inside Shinji's own pants and demand that Kaworu take responsibility and molest him, damn it, because it was Kaworu's fault he was this turned on! Stupid Kaworu doing weird angel things! Shouldn't Kaworu say something like "I don't want to die a virgin," around now, anyway? There was a script to these things!
Well, yes, according to that script Shinji was supposed to be a girl, but still! Kaworu had already penetrated him with stupid angelic tentacles, hadn't he? And now he had Shinji at his mercy, in his bed, and all Shinji was getting out of it was a back massage and the worst case of blue balls he'd ever had in his life when he was supposed to be having incredible sex that he wouldn't have to feel guilty about because it was clearly all stupid Kaworu's fault for being so weird! And evil!
"You're hot," Kaworu said, puzzled, and Shinji knew that no, Kaworu wasn't commenting on Shinji's physical attractiveness from the tentative way he put a hand on Shinji's forehead. "Your body has been trying to hyperventilate again for awhile now: I don't want you to faint again so I've kept it from doing that. You must be really angry, like the time you almost attacked me over Rei, but why is your body getting hotter? I like that you're warm, but… I don't want to take you to the infirmary again. That wastes a lot of time and I don't have that much left." But if Shinji was getting sick? "I'll try getting you something from the vending machine," he decided.
Shinji's body had heated up because he was turned on, and he frustratedly wondered why Kaworu hadn't even mentioned 'part of you is swelled up' among the symptoms. That might have led to him touching it, and noticing that it was throbbing and oozing and for the sake of all the ten million gods, whoever had kept Kaworu from finding out about porn should be stepped on. By an Eva. Repeatedly. Because Shinji shouldn't have to be the one thinking these dirty things! How could someone be such a cocktease completely by accident?!
Kaworu was clearly reluctant to leave him, but he was frowning with concern and eventually managed to sit up and go, after smoothing Shinji's hair and tucking him in. He came back with fruit juice and coffee, the kinds Shinji stole from Kaworu's minifridge while he was here, and wasn't it girls who were supposed to do sweet things like notice what Shinji liked, even though Asuka never had?
It was very clear that Kaworu had no idea what to do to look after a sick person. He made Shinji sit up and carefully poured a can of juice into him, watching his throat to make sure he didn't choke or have it go down the wrong pipe. The way Kaworu was wiping sweat from his forehead felt good, the contrast between the warm hands and the cool air of the room, and Shinji got his hopes up when Kaworu took off Shinji's sweaty shirt, only to have them dashed right away when Kaworu immediately put Shinji into a dry one from Kaworu's own closet so that Shinji didn't get cold. "Is your body trying to fight me? That must be it," the angel finally decided. "Like when you were so angry at me you breathed in too much oxygen and fainted," he recalled as he lay down with Shinji and tucked them both in. "You must really hate me… Enough that it makes you hurt yourself." The way Kaworu squeezed him was apologetic. "I don't want you to feel pain: is that a part of love too? Yes."
That was when Kaworu took it into his weird and evil head to lick the sweat from Shinji's face, and neck, and chest, and if Shinji could he would have fisted his hands in the sheets but as it was he couldn't do anything, couldn't focus on anything, all he could do was feel what Kaworu did to him, that wet tongue and those willing lips, trying to make him feel good, and he wanted to push that gray head further down. Wanted those red eyes to look up at him wordlessly asking 'is this right?' while that mouth was occupied.
If the angel was going to insist on tasting him, couldn't he do it somewhere else? Shinji's body kept growing more and more tense, especially as Kaworu kept shifting against Shinji, rubbing against him without any awareness of what he was doing to him.
Shinji's body kept tensing up, and he wanted to groan, wanted to breathe faster, wanted to move. The more Kaworu kept trying to soothe him, the more Shinji wanted to squeeze his brown eyes tightly shut and be the one to hold Kaworu down so Shinji could do things to him, since Kaworu was absolutely sucking, or rather not sucking, at being a tentacle monster. Tease him for hours and see how he liked it.
Although Kaworu would probably just be happy Shinji was touching him.
"You're getting worse…" the angel said finally, and now Kaworu was afraid for him? "I… I won't give up having you be my death, but…" He kissed Shinji again, and for the first time it was fierce, before he went over to the desk, tore open an envelope and quickly wrote something on the paper inside it.
Then he started undoing the bed, removing all the blankets as Shinji was made to stand up. Some of the blankets were folded around him, to keep Shinji warm, while Kaworu threw the others over his shoulder and took Shinji's hand with his other arm, opening the door and walking quickly through the halls. It seemed to take them forever to get outside, with Kaworu glancing at him every second and Shinji glad the impromptu bathrobe would hide the condition his pants were in if anyone saw them.
Finally they were at the shore and Kaworu threw the bedspread down, spreading it out with what was left of a once-habitual neatness. Then he lay down and Shinji was positioned over him, knees on either side of Kaworu's chest, hands around Kaworu's throat.
As much as he wanted to strangle Kaworu right now, he didn't actually want to kill him. Trying to get control of his hands and pull them back made Shinji fall over when control over his body was suddenly returned to him.
When he sat up again Kaworu was pushing himself up, looking almost like he hated himself and opening his mouth to ask if Shinji was okay, and that was when Shinji finally got to pounce on him, to make Kaworu lie back down. Shinji said "You idiot," like he was Asuka now and kissed the idiot hard, shrugging the blanket that was left off his shoulders and almost growling with frustration when Kaworu's shirt absolutely refused to tear properly.
"Shinji?" Kaworu asked, and with his hair mussed up like that, kiss-bitten lips, he was just…
"I don't hate you, you idiot," Shinji told him, breathing hard and thinking screw the shirt, he was going for the button of Kaworu's pants first.
The angel let him do as he liked, unable to understand what he was doing but at least Shinji wasn't leaving or actually fainting until Shinji actually had a hand around that pale pink flesh, Kaworu's pants down around his knees and Shinji's already kicked off. The angel gasped and moaned when Shinji grasped them both, moving them together. "You want to defile my body?" he asked Shinji, startled, as Shinji grabbed Kaworu's wrists and held him over his head.
"You don't get to talk," Shinji said, holding back his own gasps in order to listen to Kaworu's, watch that pretty face as red eyes closed and the angel started breathing fast, started struggling and wanting.
"Defiled… by one of the Lilim…" Kaworu still said, ignoring him. "They'll… Ah! I won't be able to purify humanity of its sin… Yes," he said, and now there was lust in his voice. "Shinji… desecrate me."
Kaworu still said the weirdest things, but Shinji was too close to care.
The Fifth Child had been acting suspiciously for days now: after observing him muttering to himself out in the middle of the lake, much less talking to Ritsuko, Misato was certain that he was the last angel, the one that had been acquired by the Committee for Human Instrumentality.
Shinji hadn't talked about why he'd stayed over at Kaworu's in the first place: he'd barely gotten along with the other pilot before. To have them go there holding hands? And now Shinji being led through the halls draped in blankets? That was weird, but Misato had actually been waiting for a chance to search the Fifth Child's rooms.
On the desk next to a torn-open envelope was the letter it had contained, with an additional message scrawled at the bottom with a blue pen Kaworu hadn't bothered to cap afterwards. Both messages sent her running out of the room, reaching for her phone to call Hyuga to help her find them.
This is the Last Testament of the Angel Tabris, the Final Messenger:
Let the Black Seed remain unpurified and Lilith's Children never know eternity. The last of the True Successors dies today, as himself, at the hands of the only one who is found worthy. Those who hope for Instrumentality can go to Hell.
Kaworu Nagisa, the Fifth Child.
P.S. Please look after Shinji. I've possessed him for hours in order to make him hold me and it may have made him sick.
"You were the one who was trying to get me to like you! You can't want me to be your friend and then want me to kill you, you bastard! It doesn't work that way!"
"Why not! This is my last request, so if you really do care for me at all-"
Whatever Misato had been expecting, Shinji and the Angel sitting on a blanket like this was some kind of picnic and arguing wasn't it.
Shinji ran his fingers through his messed-up hair to push it back in a frustrated motion. "Well, if you're defiled and whatever and can't do Third Impact like they want anyway, then won't they leave you alone?"
"It's the disobedience they'll kill me for! When by refusing to grant them instrumentality and complementation, I've damned your species to continuing this hellish existence? And you, for daring to corrupt a Child of Adam!"
"Are you complaining?"
"No, and I want to do it again, but you need to kill me and get away before the assassins get here!" Kaworu insisted, grabbing Shinji's unbuttoned shirt, the blanket sliding down off his shoulders to reveal that he was naked under it. "I can't let them kill you."
"You've got an AT field, haven't you? What have you got to worry about? They'd have to reconfigure Unit 02's core before they could have Rei's replacement attack you," Shinji reminded him as Kaworu leaned against his chest. Shinji ended up patting the slim boy on the back awkwardly, and submitting to the kiss when Kaworu took Shinji's head in his hands and leaned up.
"I love you," the angel said fiercely. "That means you aren't allowed to die!"
"You have an AT field, so I'm still not seeing the problem. Why do you have to die, Kaworu? You don't want to cause Third Impact, right?"
"Do you ever think about anything but what you want?" the angel asked, exasperated, getting to his feet and gesturing up at the sky with both hands.
"Kaworu, you can't just let anyone who wants to see you like that!" Shinji insisted, grabbing the blanket again. "If you want me to kill you, then you have to at least put some pants on first!"
"I don't care about that, they've seen me plenty of times-"
"That doesn't mean they should get to see you anymore!" Shinji grabbed Kaworu, crushing the angel clad only in a white sheet against his body. "You're the one that said that love means wanting someone to live, and you're the one who wanted to know what it would be like if I loved you, so it's like this: I don't want to lose any more people! And I'm sick of seeing what my father did to Rei and now the new Rei! You are not allowed to die like Touji and Rei and they're not allowed to kill you! Or treat you like a thing!"
"You're wrong, by the way: It's not Unit 02 I have to worry about. They're working on a mass-produced series of Evas with working dummy plugs, based on me. And do you really think you-"
"I'm not going to abandon you like that cat!"
"Shinji… I can't let you put yourself in danger," the angel said quietly, then pushed Shinji away and ran.
Only to stop only a handful of meters down the shore, slowly turning around and looking where he'd stepped. He looked utterly shocked, drawing the white sheet tighter around himself as he looked at what had sprung up in his wake.
"…Did you mean to do that?" Shinji asked Kaworu, also staring at the patches of color that decorated what had once been barren ground.
Misato crept closer, waving for Hyuga to stay back, as the two boys watched silvery-green leaves unfurl.
"…This is why the Lances of Longinus exist, because otherwise Seeds of Life and Wisdom will spontaneously generate life. I'm the vessel of Adam's soul, but this has never happened before."
"Maybe if you put shoes on?" Shinji suggested. Then he paused and knelt down to feel the blanket they'd lain on, finally lifting up a corner of it, revealing blue-green moss dotted with red flowers. "Or maybe not."
Kaworu folded his arms, pinning the sheet to his body. "Now you definitely have to kill me. Take responsibility for this!"
"So it will be harder to hide-"
"So your planet could be overrun! Seeds of Life are more powerful than Seeds of Wisdom: think of the difference between you Lilim and the other angels. Kill me and have Katsuragi come back with a flamethrower."
"Misato's here?" Shinji asked, looking around faintly panicked.
"I saw her while she was dodging around." SEELE's angel didn't look impressed. "I wonder if she found my note?" He looked at the slab of concrete she was hiding behind. "Come out and help me reason with this selfish bastard! He has to take responsibility for this!"
"Stop saying weird things, Kaworu! You're acting like I got you pregnant!"
"Well, what else could have made me fertile!" Kaworu's red eyes flashed as he walked forward to grab at Shinji's clothing again, Shinji quickly grabbing the white sheet before more than the top half of Kaworu's back was bared to Misato's gaze. "I don't want to spend the rest of eternity pinned up like a butterfly, or getting molested by Lilim scientists like Adam was until they desecrated his body and forced him to bear me! Someone had better kill me, and I won't let anyone else!"
Shinji tied the sheet around Kaworu's waist before responding. "And I won't let you die! I'm sick of it, Kaworu! I can't bear losing anyone else! I can't face Hikari and Kensuke," not after being used to kill their friend, "Rei, and… They've got Lilith back at NERV, right? And Rei used the lance to kill the one that hurt Asuka? If it's safe to have her there without the Lance, they can just let you stay there!"
"Shinji… Why did you have to start caring about me now? I know I wanted you to, but…" The angel leaned against him, no, almost threw himself into embracing Shinji, and this time it was the human boy that kissed him as a white tree grew and blossomed behind them.
"You're weird, and you're an angel – and another guy – but you're still…" Shinji sighed into Kaworu's white hair, giving up on getting him to make sense. "You make me feel like Asuka. You're an idiot, but… You should get a chance to live. What's the point of fighting, of being an Eva pilot, if I can't protect anyone? If I just keep losing people?"
"Shinji, you have to get away from him! He admitted that he possessed you!" Misato couldn't even point her gun at the angel, not when she'd hit them both.
"That won't happen again, Misato, and if you're that worried just get him a teddy bear or something!" Shinji sighed again, far more irritated than resigned. "Why do you and everything about you have to be so difficult and weird and frustrating, but I can't help it." Being attracted to him, being drawn to him. When he met Kaworu for the first time, he immediately thought of the first time he met Rei.
Rei had loved him, died for him, and he'd failed to save her. But Rei's feelings were still alive in Kaworu, and letting him die would be letting Rei die all over again. "Just… make it difficult for SEELE and my father to kill you. You're really good at being difficult, and going where you're not wanted, and doing things sane people don't do, and making me care about you, so…" Use that power to annoy for good? "Why are you so resigned to them controlling you, Kaworu? Why don't you think you can even try to live? You're an angel: can't you fight? Won't you even try… Now you're the one who doesn't care about my feelings!"
"…I'm sorry."
"That's the first time you've said that, but don't be sorry, just try to live. I'm sick of being controlled too, my father just uses me and throws me away and leads me around by the nose…" Made him kill his friends. One friend too many. No more. "If we die, we'll die together, Kaworu."
Misato wasn't sure who started the kiss this time, or if they both leaned towards each other, Shinji's arms around Kaworu's waist and Kaworu's under his, the angel's hands pressed flat against Shinji's back.
A human and an angel, when only one species could survive and now they were talking about Lovers' Suicide? Misato really, really wanted to shoot something. An angel and an Eva pilot, and they were such melodramatic teenagers.
But then, weren't they caught up in a melodrama to begin with? The truth about the dummy system, the Commander and Shinji's mother… What but soap operas had plots this twisted? This was supposed to be about destroying the angels! But the Commander sent Unit 00 to retrieve the Lance when the Evas coming in contact with Adam was supposed to set off Third Impact and Kaji had died trying to find the truth.
She was so sick of all this bullshit! All the lies! Gendo used Ritsuko like that and the Committee sent them an angel when the Marduk Institute was nothing but a front in the first place!
"I don't hear the sirens, so your AT field wasn't detected," Misato said finally, after taking a few deep breaths of her own. "You two are coming with me." Life springing from the ground where he stepped, god. SEELE trying to create a god, or gods? What kind of beings were angels, when their DNA was the same as human DNA despite being made of particle wave matter? Which Misato had yet to get an actual explanation of, since matter that was known to be both wave and particle included photons and electrons. Looking at the angel, in a white sheet like some young Greek god, she could believe the 'made of light' theory. After seeing Adam, the great giants of light during Second Impact.
"After you get dressed," Shinji told Kaworu. "Or we can wrap you in a blanket and carry you to Misato's car if you're that worried about it." It was hard for Shinji to worry about plants. Living things were easy to kill. Too easy: that was the problem.
He hadn't wanted to take responsibility for anyone else, to be responsible for the survival of another friend, another comrade, another… But Kaworu was so much like Rei, so much like Shinji, in that they both had fathers who were pure evil, and… What had he been fighting for, all this time? To protect poor broken Rei, to protect Misato, and Asuka: not some abstract world, not a future he didn't believe in, but the people close to him.
Losing Kaworu would hurt and he didn't want to be hurt anymore.
He had only two things left to lose: Kaworu and Misato.
He couldn't run away. There was nothing else worth running to, except the end of pain. Except death, what Kaworu had wanted to flee to, and if he was going there, then they might as well go together, since Shinji didn't want to be alone again.
But he had to try to live.
He owed it to Rei, and Misato insisted she owed it to Kaji. So…
So he would let Kaworu cling to him, lying in the backseat of Misato's car on the way home, to try to figure out what they were going to do, where they were going to go next.