2. And how much you want to live

A/N: Overall disclaimer in the first part

("Wolfwood... I'll be all right. You're the one who had better be careful.")

Life can be so cruel
Don't it astound you?

You know that, as long as you "keep it up" and stay in line, Knives doesn't care about you. You're nothing but a minor pest to him.

It's an exploitable loophole – or appears to be one, that is.

Knives might not care about details, but his pet viper does. Right now, he might even represent the greater threat to you since he trusts you even less than Knives does.

You're going to have to kill them both, but you can't.

You tried once to take out Knives (oh how much you wish you'd succeeded ) and the overwhelming feeling of oppression, the fear, still haunts you.

As well as the shame of the other thing that held back your hand.

You had thought yourself so steadfast in your decision to do anything to keep the kids safe – but apparently your heart is far more traitorous than you'd believed.

You weren't prepared to die back then.

Are you now? You like to think so. If you go against Knives, there is no question that you will die. And still –

"You know of course why I specifically send you to stay by him and protect him, I take it?"

Legato has just finished giving Knives his report while you've been standing by the sidelines, attempting to look both unimpressed and obedient. Not easy, but at the very least it gives you something to focus on, something to strengthen your control over yourself.

Knives suddenly addresses you, giving you a bored look.

Your hackles rise immediately.

Knives stares at you some more, then goes and delivers the answer to his question himself. Like maybe he thinks you too dumb to speak or to think altogether. Which is not that unlikely, probably.

"Of all the knives I have collected, you are the most human one. You're someone who's used to following orders. That's how you live. You'd never selflessly put your life on the line for someone else. And I am your best promise for survival, these days."

He looks at you for one more moment (though he never looks you in the eyes, just in your general direction, as if, to him, you're much more of an object than a living being) and adds:

"Besides, you're the only one fit to 'babysit' my 'little brother.' The others are too volatile."

He looks away then, as if your existence isn't so much as dust on his radar, and shortly after, you're dismissed.

It'll probably do you no good, but you puzzle over this little "exchange," if it can even be called that, for days afterwards.

It could have been a threat – or just coldhearted aloofness.

But whatever is was – the cruelty of it all almost makes you laugh bitterly.

For it is true.

You've killed so many on orders, you've lost count. You can't afford to die, so you don't bet your life.

And to protect the people that you wish to survive, you'd do whatever it takes.

So when nothing seems too certain or safe
Let it burn through you
You can keep it pure on the inside
And you know what you believe to be right

"I'm not 'playing' the devil, Tongari. It's just who I am. It ain't pretty, but if I get to stop people from killing others, then that's how it's gonna be."

(I could never be like you. I don't know how)

Surprisingly, Vash just smiles softly, if slightly ruefully, at that.

"You know, sometimes I don't know what to do with you. And then, other times, I think we're more similar than you believe."

"Like hell, Tongari."

But Vash isn't fazed by your gruff dismissal.

"We both hold unto what we believe is right. However much we struggle because of it and however much pain it brings us."

"..."

"What? Why are you frowning? That was a compliment you... you cow!"

"Vash, seriously, have you eaten something funny for breakfast again?"

"What?! Why are you being so mean?" He scowls at you and whines, and you can see the fake expression for what it is, but you don't call him on it. Better to let this one lie.

There's no such luck, of course, not with Vash.

"But Wolfwood," he adds quietly after the both of you have walked on in silence for some minutes, "I wouldn't stay with you if I truly thought you were a bad man. You do know that, right?"

Yeah, right.

Bitterness and anger make you clench your jaw and bite down hard on your cigarette. You walk on as if nothing happened, while inside, you build your walls back up again, to keep your hate, your desperation in check.

Oh, how much you'd like to tell Vash to run from you.

You take a deep breath and mutter darkly, "You know, you have the worst judgment, Tongari."

Vash explodes in another whiny fit at that, and to you, it sounds as fake as ever, but you don't look at him to check. Instead you tune him out, for it would do no good to do otherwise.

Whatever you could say to him would be just as fake, after all.

So you're not gonna crack
No you're never gonna crack