Breath
Source Episode: VOY 1x05 Phage

Personal Log, Lieutenant Eelo Talia: Stardate 48532.4

It's been a rough three months trying to facilitate smooth relations between the Maquis and Starfleet crews, but we're making headway. Week by week, I'm gaining the Starfleet personnel's trust. Exhausted as I am, it feels good to be doing what I love again.

On top of the growing patient load, I'm also learning how to carry out the responsibilities of a chief science officer. This is incredibly unprecedented. CSOs are supposed to have a broad base of hard scientific knowledge, not a handful of degrees in soft sciences. I honestly don't know how to review half of these reports. I have no trouble understanding anthropology and stellar cartography, but what the hell am I supposed to do with things like astrophysics or quantum mechanics?

Today, the offending lab will be geology. As I record this, Voyager is on her way to a planetoid to drill for dilithium, and all the data our away team collects will be sent to the geology lab, where two brilliant scientists will write an analysis that I have to review for Captain Janeway.

Still, I need to learn to speak their language. Like it or not, this is part of the job now, and I never do a job half-assed. Besides, being the CSO means that I'll be putting in time on the bridge, and I do not want to sound like an idiot up there. The captain has faith that I'll do well.

I only hope I can keep my promise not to let her down.

The morning actually turned out to be quite an interesting one. I went to the mess hall to meet Tom and Harry for breakfast, where we found that Neelix had knocked out the wall of replicators between mess and Captain Janeway's private dining room. In its place, he had built a galley, where he was animatedly making breakfast for the crew. We all hoped desperately that Janeway would come by before we had to leave for duty shifts so we could see her reaction, but we had no such luck.

Later that morning, I was doing my absolute best not to fall asleep over a preliminary geological analysis when Tom dropped off an alarming report from sickbay.

An unknown alien had attacked Neelix on the planetoid and stolen his lungs right out of his body. Evidently, he and the EMH had spent the past half hour designing holographic lungs to keep him alive, and meanwhile Janeway was tracking down the alien who took his real lungs. The lungs were functioning as designed, though they required Neelix to stay in an isotropic restraint to prevent movement. The doctor had requested that I be present when he woke Neelix, so I grabbed a blank PADD and followed Tom back to sickbay.

After bringing Neelix out of his coma, the doctor explained the procedure to his patient.

"Holographic lungs?" Neelix asked, surprised.

"Yes, and they're working perfectly, if I do say so myself," the EMH gloated.

Neelix's brow furrowed. "How long can I live like this?"

"I don't know. This is an unprecedented medical procedure. We will be closely monitoring your condition."

"When do I get out of this restraint?"

"Unless Captain Janeway is successful in retrieving your original lungs, you'll have to stay in the isotropic restraint indefinitely."

Neelix paled. "Indefinitely? You mean I could be in here the rest of my life?"

"But we're trying to find the aliens that did this to you," Kes reassured him. "The captain is doing everything she can."

"You won't be in here for the rest of your life, Neelix," I told him. "If we can't get your lungs back, then we'll find another option. This is only temporary."

"Well," Neelix said, unconvinced by our reassurances, "if I'm going to be in here a while, now's as good a time as any to tell you. Your ceiling is hideous. Something with a bit of color would help. And could you dim the lights a little?"

"I'm a doctor, Mister Neelix, not a decorator," the EMH deadpanned before retreating to his office.

Over the com, Janeway summoned Tom to the bridge. Putting down the medical tricorder in his hand, he turned to Kes. "You know where I am if you need me."

She smiled appreciatively. "Thanks for everything."

As soon as Tom was out the door, Neelix's mood changed from blue to green. "Oh, fine," he grumbled bitterly. "I have a little accident, I lose a pair of lungs, and the next thing I know Paris is swooping in like a Rectillian vulture."

Kes looked down at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't you hear the way that he said that? 'I'll be on the bridge if you need me.' If you need me. You heard it, didn't you, Counselor?"

"Tom and I spent four years at the academy bar-hopping and picking up partners together. He's a player, for sure. But I promise you, Neelix, that wasn't a pick-up."

It wasn't exactly a lie. Tom hadn't meant to be flirtatious. He was genuinely trying to be helpful. But, I did get the sense that my old friend may be developing a crush on Kes.

"If you say so," Neelix groused skeptically. "Why doesn't he just pull the plug on the holographic emitter and get it over with? Get me out of the way so he can have you all to himself."

Kes tried to reason with him. "Neelix, you're over-reacting. Tom's been very supportive."

"Ah, so it's Tom now, is it?"

I cleared my throat nervously. "I'm just going to have a word with the doctor." With that, I walked into the EMH's office, pressing my forehead against the cool metal frame of his doorway and sighing heavily.

"Couples therapy would seem to be your area, Lieutenant," he muttered, "not mine. Is there a reason you're in my office?"

"This is bad," I groaned. "This is very bad."

"Clearly."

I stepped up to his desk. "No, Doctor, you don't understand. His argument with Kes is just a way for him to project his fear and frustration outward, and it's only going to get worse from here."

His brow furrowed. "What could he possibly be afraid of? He's doing perfectly fine now, thanks to my work."

"Confinement, Doctor. People do not respond well to confinement. It is one of the most common phobias among almost every humanoid species. Being confined for long periods of time can cause severe psychological trauma, and you just told him that he could be stuck inside a tube for the rest of his life!"

"Well, it is a very real possibility. Would you rather I lie to my patient?"

"I'd rather you realize that the way you interact with your patients is just as much medicine or poison as the chemicals you fill your hyposprays with."

"I'm sorry, but my programming doesn't include any texts on kissing boo-boos. Perhaps you should file a complaint with my creator, Dr. Lewis Zimmerman. Oh wait, that's right... you're stuck with me!"

I snorted. "Christ, Doctor, you're just as much of a tool as Zimmerman is. Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of locking yourself away in a lab to rot, because we need you. So, maybe you should ask B'Elanna to delete the cynical asshole subroutine and replace it with one for being a sensitive healthcare practitioner."

The EMH paused for a moment before speaking, his tone entirely changed. "You know Dr. Zimmerman?"

Before I had a chance to answer, Neelix's voice filtered in through the doorway, insisting to Kes that she should let him die. I gave the doctor a pointed look, so he brushed past me and made for the surgical bay, his brief moment of curiosity cut short. "Visiting hours are over," he announced. "He needs rest."

I walked over to Kes and put my hand on her shoulder. "Why don't you come to my office for a bit?"

"Okay," she agreed, before turning back to Neelix. "I'll see you later." She bent down to kiss him, then followed me out of sickbay.

"I know he's just saying that because he's afraid," Kes explained as she sat on the couch in my office. "He's always been able to take care of himself before now. He's a very proud man."

"That's very perceptive, Kes," I observed, taking the wingback chair across from her. "Does it bother you when he pushes you away like that?"

"It does a little, but I understand why he does it. It won't change anything. I still love him, and I won't give up on him."

"Are you worried about what might happen?"

She shook her head. "I know that Captain Janeway and the doctor won't give up until they've found a way for him to get his old life back."

"Why do you think you're so confident in him making a full recovery?"

"I'm not sure," she admitted. "I guess it's just a feeling."

"As in a hunch, or perhaps something connected to your telepathy?"

"It's more than just a hunch. I feel like it's something I know, but I don't know how I know it. It could be from the mental abilities that my people used to have. All I know is that I feel very sure that Neelix is going to be okay."

"Is there anything you're worried about right now?"

She leaned forward in her seat. "I'm worried about his emotional state. He's much more anxious than I've ever seen him before. I worry that he'll make this harder for himself, or that he'll suffer psychologically. Do you think that's possible?"

I nodded. "It is, and I made the same observation to the EMH just before we left sickbay. He'll be performing a neurological scan to monitor Neelix's brain activity, and I'll be writing up a full report for the doctor with specific psychological concerns to consider as he analyzes the scan. That will help us come up with a plan for how to approach Neelix's psychological health, so we can hopefully prevent any long-term negative effects."

"Thank you, Talia. I know you're doing everything you can, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it."

"You and Neelix are an important part of this crew," I told her. "We'll do whatever it takes to get him back on his feet."

"I know you will."

She would make a great counselor, I thought as she walked out of my office.

After eating a very late lunch in the mess hall, I decided to drop by sickbay to hear what the EMH had to say about my psychological analysis of Neelix. Just as the turbolift started to move, the comm chirped. "Doctor to Lieutenant Eelo."

I tapped my combadge. "Go ahead."

"Please report to sickbay right away."

"Acknowledged."

"I'm the patient, I know what my rights are," Neelix was shouting as I walked in. "I want to be released from this restraint immediately. Immediately!"

"Neelix?" I called out calmly as I approached his bedside.

His voice returned to a normal register. "Counselor?"

I pulled up a chair and sat so that I was eye level with him. "Please, just call me Talia. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

"I want the doctor to let me out," he demanded, clearly on the verge of having a panic attack.

The EMH opened his mouth to speak, but I held up a hand to stop him. "Doctor, if you'll excuse us, please."

"My pleasure," he said flatly before ambling our of the room.

I turned back to Neelix. "What makes you feel the need to leave your restraint?"

"It's just, I'm feeling, well, trapped. And alone. I can't stand it. And I know that if I move, I'll die, but I just... can't... lay here anymore!"

"Kes tells me you've been saying that you wish you were dead. Can you tell me why you feel this way?"

"Well, I-I can't really do anything, so I feel like I might as well be dead. But I'm not, so it's even worse, because I have to lie here awake while I'm, well, almost dead. And everyone else is walking around with things to do, living their lives, but I can't. I might never do anything again."

I nodded. "How does it make you feel to think about the possibility that you might be in this restraint for the rest of your life?"

"Terrified. Angry. And guilty."

"What makes you feel guilty?"

"Kes shouldn't have to spend her whole life dealing with me like this. No one should. What good is it to be the reason she won't live her life if I'll never get to do anything with her? It seems to me that it's better for me to go ahead and die. And then I can't hold her back anymore."

"So you believe that you're a restraint on her?"

"Yes, exactly."

"And you love her, so that's the last thing you want to be."

"That's right."

I paused for a moment before asking my next set of questions. "If the situation were reversed, and she had been the one who had to be in this tube with holographic lungs, what would you do?"

With every ounce of sincere, loving devotion, he replied, "I would never leave her side."

"Would you feel like she was restraining you or holding you back from your life?"

His eyes widened, horrified at the suggestion. "No, of course not! She could never feel like a burden."

"Even if she had to stay like that for the rest of her life?"

"I wouldn't care. I'd visit her every day."

"But why?" I asked, mimicking his earlier assertion. "What good is it if she can't walk around and live your life with you? Don't you think you'd be happier if she just died and let you move on with your life?"

"No! Absolutely not! I don't care where we are or what we do, or if we don't do anything. Just being around her makes me happy."

I nodded again and came to my point. "Don't you think she feels the same way about you now?"

His brow furrowed as he thought about the conversation. "Well… yes… I suppose so."

I smiled and put my hand on the hard, smooth surface of Neelix's restraint. "So maybe you shouldn't give up on yourself so soon. I know she won't."

Neelix sighed and blinked slowly, absorbing my suggestion. "You're right, Counselor. Er, Talia. I guess, I just didn't think of it from her point of view, that's all."

"It's okay to feel like you do, Neelix. I think most people would in your situation. But Kes loves you very much, and when you love someone, their life becomes far more precious to you then anything else. Worrying about what you think she should or shouldn't do won't change her mind. Just stay focused on getting through this, because I truly believe that it won't be permanent. Can you do that for me? For Kes?"

Neelix blinked. "Yes, I think I can."

I smiled. "Good. Now, if you promise to try getting some sleep, I'll do my work in here so you're not so lonely. Would you like that?"

"That would be very nice, Talia. Thank you."

"Lieutenant," came the EMH's voice from within his office, "a word, please?"

"I'll be right back, Neelix." I stood and made my way to his desk. "Yes, Doctor?"

"I thought you might be interested to know the results of a neurological scan I did of Mister Neelix after our conversation this morning." He turned his computer console around to face me, which displayed a digital image of Neelix's brain, as well as close-up views of synaptic activity and neurochemical levels in specific areas of concern.

I leaned in over his desk to study the images and let out a breath. "He's way low on serotonin, and his norepinephrine and cortisol levels are through the roof." I looked at the doctor. "This confirms my psychological analysis, then."

"Indeed," he said, turning the console back. "I've started him on a low dose SSRI, and I'll administer benzodiazepine as needed until his condition stabilizes. I have also accepted your recommendations for daily counseling sessions and extended visiting hours with Kes." He paused. "It seems you were right, Miss Eelo. I may not have caught it so soon if you hadn't told me what to look for."

In that moment, I was struck by the doctor's attitude. Perhaps he wasn't as much like Dr. Zimmerman as I had assumed. Or, perhaps, he had more ability for growth than holograms generally did. I smiled at him. "This is why I'm here, Doctor. I look at the psychological side so you can focus on the physiological. And you've done a goddamn good job. I doubt many flesh-and-blood doctors would have thought of holographic lungs."

"Hmm. Yes, an untested procedure that is proving to be a great deal of trouble."

"A procedure that saved his life, which is exactly what you are programmed to do. And you succeeded. All I ask is that you try to be more considerate of the importance of a patient's emotional health when you treat them. When you need to consult with an expert in that area, that's why my office is just around the corner."

He eyed me skeptically. "Very well, I'll keep that in mind." Then, the doctor returned to his work. Yet, for some reason, I stayed where I was, considering him. He paused, then glanced at me irritatedly. "You may go now, Lieutenant."

I quirked my mouth slightly, then returned to the company of our patient.

Within a few hours, Voyager was able to catch up with the aliens who had stolen Neelix's lungs. They called themselves Vidiians, and said that their people were suffering from a deadly disease called the phage that ate away at their bodily tissues. They survived by harvesting organs from the bodies of other species.

Even though Neelix's lungs had already been implanted into one of the two men, they agreed to examine Neelix to see if their advanced medical technology could help him. Much to our surprise, they informed us that they would be able to use a donated lung from any one of us. Naturally, Kes volunteered one of hers.

The transplant was successful. Both patients made a full recovery, and Neelix responded very well to my counsel. Evidently, the doctor took notice of Kes' potential, as well. He was granted permission to train her as his assistant, which she eagerly accepted.

And Neelix was allowed to keep his kitchen.