Dysfunction

With the investigation over, I was finally able to write up my first round of psychological analysis reports for the crew evaluations. In order to avoid breaking focus, I stayed in my office through dinner. I had just finished the final report when the door chimed.

"Come in," I said.

The door slid open, revealing Chakotay as my visitor. "You're working late," he observed, walking towards my desk.

I stood, stretching my back before moving around the desk to meet him. "Just finished, actually. The whole thing with Seska put me behind on crew evals, so I wanted to get those done. And, honestly, I just wanted something else to focus on."

Chakotay stopped just in front of me. He had an almost tortured look about him, though he was trying not to show it. His wince when I said Seska's name wasn't something he could cover. I wanted to reach out and touch him, comfort him, but I wasn't sure how he would respond at that moment.

When he didn't say anything, I folded my arms over my chest. "What do you want, Chakotay?"

"I was hoping that I could talk to a friend," he admitted.

I motioned to the couch. "Would you like to sit?"

He shook his head. "A friend," he reiterated, "not a counselor."

I nodded and gave a half-smile. "Okay. I was about to go home for the night. Would you like to join me for a cup of tea?"

"Please."

Chakotay was silent for the entire walk to my quarters. I had always known him to be a more introverted, thoughtful man, but I couldn't remember a time when I'd seen him quite so pensive or melancholy. I didn't break the silence.

As soon as we entered my quarters, I unzipped my uniform jacket and slid it off, hanging it on the back of a nearby chair. I motioned towards my couch. "Have a seat," I suggested. "What kind of tea would you like?"

"Chamomile, please, unsweetened."

I ordered chamomile and Vulcan spice teas from the replicator and carried them over to the couch where he sat, placing them on the coffee table before taking the spot next to him. We sipped our tea in silence for a while before he finally put his cup down and spoke.

"I insisted that she hadn't done anything," he began, looking over at me, "even though all the signs pointed to her. I stuck my neck out for her with the captain and Tuvok. I just didn't want to believe it was her, you know?"

I nodded, putting down my tea. "I know. I didn't want to believe it, either. But, honestly, the replicator wasn't the part that hurt."

"Did you have any idea? Any suspicion that she wasn't who she said?" His eyes pleaded with me, desperate to know he wasn't alone, that he hadn't been the only idiot to miss two operatives under his command.

I put my hand on his arm. "I had no idea, Tay. Really. Even when I did her psych eval the other day, I didn't see it. I don't think anyone did."

"Tuvok admitted that he didn't know, either."

"So why are you still torturing yourself about it?"

He hung his head. "I honestly don't know, Talia. I guess it's just hard to let it go. I let her into every part of my life, and the whole time, she was playing me. For them."

I moved my hand to his back, rubbing it gently. Chakotay was such a private person. Very few were allowed to know much about him, and Seska had been one he opened up to. I knew how violated he must have felt in that moment. Yet, he still came to me and allowed himself to be vulnerable in a way that perhaps nobody else would see.

After sitting in silence for a while, I spoke. "I know we haven't been on the best terms lately, but… thank you for trusting me with this."

He looked up at me with eyes full of weariness, and nodded.

The old impulse to trace his tattoo with my finger returned. I resisted, but my hand paused on his back and twitched.

As his eyes examined mine, the look on his face shifted to one of concern. "How are you doing, Talia?"

My hand fell away from him and into my lap. "Exhausted. Emotionally, I mean. And… lonely. It's not like I'm actually alone here, it's just…" I let the rest of that sentence die on my tongue, afraid to say it out loud. I missed us being us, when it was uncomplicated. Just deep friendship and great sex, with not even a thought about our future beyond the next mission.

Chakotay didn't ask me to finish my thought. He didn't need to. Surely he could see it for himself. His eyes remained fixed on mine as he leaned in slowly, pausing at the place where our noses touched. I said nothing, but allowed my hand to finally find his tattoo. I closed my eyes as his lips met mine, and all of the frozen places inside of me melted underneath the heat. He felt like earth and wind—grounded, but free.

Space had been my home ever since I was born, and I had always known that it was where I belonged. But, being with Chakotay was like taking a break between missions and spending a night under the stars over Dorvan V, with a hot fire crackling before us and the wild at our back. For some, that was how they envisioned home; for me, it was enjoyable precisely because it was temporary.

I knew that the time for temporary was over. Our survival depended on Voyager becoming a generational ship, and I would be in for a lonely trip if I kept thinking of my love life the same way I had before. I also knew that Chakotay and I wouldn't work in the long-term unless we were willing to spend our whole lives swinging violently along the pendulum between loving and fighting, always trying to consume one another at both ends.

I was surrounded on every side by a darkness I could not stand. It was a lonely life being the only counselor on a deep space mission—which was precisely why no deep space missions went with less than two counselors, even on small ships. How was I supposed to be human in a situation like this? Denying basic needs could quickly destroy anyone. For me, it threatened to arouse the psychological demons I kept under careful control. I wouldn't be able to help anyone like that.

Chakotay felt, to me, like the only source of light and warmth in the entire Delta Quadrant. So, when he slid his hands beneath the layers of my uniform, fingers like fire licking my skin, I pressed myself closer still to the flame. He whispered a petition into my ear, promising more heat, and I didn't dream of turning him down.

Temporary could last a little while longer.

When I woke up the next morning, Chakotay was already up, and he was not happy about my assessments of the crew. I opened my dresser and assembled a fresh uniform, pulling the pieces on while he gave vent to his anger.

"I just don't think it seems right that half my crew have their psychological profiles flagged, but Paris, the overgrown teenager, passes with flying colors!"

"It's not half the crew," I muttered, walking from my bedroom to the main room.

"It's quite a few."

I picked up my shirt off the floor, turning it right side out and taking my rank pin from the collar before letting it drop at my feet. "So, you're questioning, what? My neutrality? My job performance? My professionalism? My integrity?"

Chakotay walked in behind me and began picking through the clothes on the floor, looking for his shirt. "How about all of the above, Talia?"

"Unbelievable."

"Everyone knows you two are close. Most people think you're more than close."

I paused in the middle of pulling on a sock to look up at him, and laced my question with every ounce of venom that he deserved. "Are you jealous, Chakotay?"

He slipped his hands through the armholes and fumbled with the zipper behind his back. "That's not the point. You're playing favorites, Talia. And the worst part is that it's not even for the people who fought by your side for more than a year, but for the man who agreed to trade all of us in for an early release!"

I stood and grabbed him by the shoulder, forcefully turning his back towards me so I could zip up his shirt for him. "So what do you want me to do, huh? You want me to bump up the grades for my old comrades, go easier on them in the assessments? Or do you just want me to rip Tom a new one in his?"

He whipped around to face me, his face flushed with rage and frustration. "I want you to be fair!"

"Oh, I see, and because I gave a good assessment to someone you dislike, obviously I'm not being fair. No way could scum like Tom Paris actually be a psychologically stable, decent human being!"

We grabbed our jackets and walked out the door, storming down the corridors towards the turbolift. Both of us were on bridge duty for alpha shift.

"So now I'm the one being unfair?"

"You are being unfair, Chakotay! Since the first day you laid eyes on him here, you've been unfair towards him!"

He bristled, now on the defensive against my accusations. "And since the day you laid eyes on him, all you've ever done is take his side. You refuse to see him for what he really is, just like Fayeni did."

I woofed. "Do not bring Marnah into this! You are the one who can't see who he really is. You're so blinded by your bitterness that you've never bothered to look past the surface. Well, you're his commanding officer now, and you need to learn what makes your people tick."

We reached the turbolift, and Chakotay pressed the call button. "I know exactly what makes him tick."

"No, you don't, but that's not the point."

The turbolift door swooshed open, and he followed me inside. "Bridge. Then what is your point, Talia?"

"That you need to stop jumping down my throat for doing my job!"

"Then you need to start doing your job!"

"Which job is that, Chakotay? Throwing away a graduate degree and licensure to fly rusty old runabouts around the Badlands, or fucking my cell leader? Because clearly, you don't see my therapy practice as a real job. Maybe I should just let your animal guide have my office so I can go back to doing something useful, like being your sexy little sidekick! Is that what you want?"

Captain Janeway's voice sounded from the wide-open doors of the turbolift. "Problem, officers?"

We looked up to a corridor on deck two where the lift had paused to pick her up. She stood in front of us with her arms folded in front of her chest, waiting for an answer. "No, Captain," we both replied in unison, turning away from each other and taking a step back.

She stepped onto the lift. "Good. I'd hate to have to discipline two of my senior officers for openly having a shouting match in the corridors. Put on your jackets. Bridge."

For the entire rest of the day, Chakotay and I couldn't even look at each other.

Two days later, Captain Janeway called me into her office. Mentally, I braced myself for the inevitable reprimand, feeling sure that Chakotay had been thoroughly critical of my performance in his evaluation.

"Have a seat, Lieutenant," she said, motioning to the chairs in front of her desk as I entered the ready room. "Commander Chakotay turned in your evaluation yesterday. He withheld his portion of the evaluation, citing a conflict of interest due to his personal relationship with you, which means that the duty falls to me."

Oh.

"He did, however, take full responsibility for the incident on the turbolift the other day. He said that he had failed to separate his personal feelings from his duties, and that you were merely trying to do your job. And, based on the feedback he's gathered from a sampling of the crew about your performance, it sounds like you're doing that job very well."

I let out a breath, struggling to keep the surprise I felt from reaching my face.

"I was doing some research into your Starfleet record, and I found something very interesting. It was a comment submitted by your supervisor at Starfleet Medical, Dr. Garner, after Starfleet received intelligence on your recruitment into the Maquis. He said that you were the best counselor to come through the program in years, and that Command had made a terrible mistake letting you slip through their fingers." Janeway turned her computer console around to face me so that I could see for myself.

My eyes were wide as I read and reread the comment. Finally, I looked again at Janeway, whose neutral countenance had broken into a warm smile. "Not everyone at Starfleet saw you as a liability," she said, righting the computer once more. "I also asked Mister Tuvok for his opinion on the matter; he spoke very highly of you both personally and professionally. I can tell you that he doesn't give praise lightly, so you must be doing something right."

At that, I allowed myself a small smile.

"As for your new role as Chief Science Officer, Mister Chakotay spoke with several of the personnel under your command. While there is certainly room for improvement as far as being able to interpret and communicate their reports to others, they all noted your strong leadership skills and your drive to understand their work the best you could. They are confident that you will represent them well on the senior staff."

She put down the PADD she had been referencing and folded her hands on top of the desk. "I myself have been impressed with your performance so far, both as a counselor and as a senior officer. You're an indispensable part of this crew, Miss Eelo. Keep up the good work."

I wasn't entirely sure why I ended up outside of Chakotay's quarters that evening; yet, there I was tapping the chime, opening the door at his response, striding across the room to reach him, and crushing my mouth greedily against his when he came to meet me partway.

What was wrong with me, with us?

I pulled away suddenly, breaking our hedonistic hold, and took several steps back before meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry," I breathed, the guilt poisoning the air in my lungs. "I didn't ask. I wasn't thinking. I just—"

He took a step closer to me. "I know."

"I'm still mad at you."

Another step closer. "I know that, too. And I'm still not sorry for what I said."

"Neither am I. Except for the comment about your animal guide. That was insensitive."

"It was."

"But, you told Captain Janeway—"

"The truth," he insisted. "I don't like how you're doing you job, but I can't deny that you're good at it. And the Starfleet crew think you're a godsend."

This time, I took a step towards him. "So we're at an impasse. We'll probably end up fighting again tomorrow if I stay."

"Probably so," he agreed, taking the final step to close the distance in between us. Still, he didn't reach out to kiss me or touch me at all. "So what's it gonna be?"

I knew then and there what was the right thing to do. Adding flame to flame only made the fire hotter and harder to control, and I could not afford to be out of control any longer.

I had learned to use the passion in my soul differently while I was in the Maquis, removing nearly every restraint I had placed on it so it could burn everything in my path. But on Voyager, I needed to put those restraints back, to harness my passion and point it in a constructive direction as I had trained so hard to do.

Indeed, I knew that the right thing to do was to leave.

Yet, standing face-to-face with Chakotay, in the dim lighting of his quarters, all I could think about was the heat coming off of his body, and the heat radiating from mine. My heart thundered in my ears like a horse running at full speed. It was inevitable. It always seemed to be inevitable with us—our meeting, and our destruction.

So, ignoring the ending once again, I snaked my palms up his chest and behind his head, drawing him closer until he slanted his full lips over mine.