Sexual Healing

Source Episode: VOY 2x04 Elogium

Tom, Harry and I had agreed to meet at Sandrine's and shoot some pool after our shifts ended. The guys had been in the mess hall earlier for differ, but I came straight from my office.

I chalked the tip of my cue. "When is Tom getting here?"

Harry's eyes were narrowed as he double-checked the balls inside the rack. Only when he was confident in the arrangement did he slide the rack away and answer my question. "He said he'd only be another ten minutes or so."

It was amusing how meticulous he was in everything. Leaning over the table, I adjusted the cue ball and took my shot. The nine ball dropped into the side pocket. "Stripes."

"Nice break," Harry said as he watched the balls ricochet around the table. He was an attractive man, maybe a meter and three-quarters tall, with black hair on the longer side of short, full lips, and hooded brown eyes that were somehow both sharp and kind.

I smiled. "Thanks."

"So, what exactly is the story with you and Tom? Every time I ask him—"

"Let me guess. Vague sarcastic remarks and crude jokes?"

"Something like that."

I snorted and scoped out my next shot. "Yeah, that's Tom. It's just a defense mechanism, you know."

"Are you supposed to tell me that?"

"That's not from a session. I've known it since secondary school. Eleven in the corner." The ball dropped in easily.

Harry stepped back as I circled the table. "Was that when you met?"

"It was. 0900 in the back of Earth Civ class. Love at first sight."

"Really?"

I shook my head. "Actually, it was more like, he thought I was cute, and I thought he was a pig. So naturally, we got assigned to do a project together. Ten, corner." I knew my shot would never make it, so I set up the cue ball dangerously close to the eight.

He groaned. "Damn you."

"One day, Tom smarted off to the prof in the most majestic way I'd ever seen. After that, I started to actually talk to him, and it turned out we had a lot in common. We dated on and off through junior year. His parents actually liked me because I kept him out of fights. We still got into our share of trouble, of course—not that they knew about most of it. I do think they suspected we were sleeping together when they went out of town for a weekend during holiday break." I shrugged. "They never said anything about it. I guess they hoped we'd work out."

"What went wrong?"

"We were so dramatic. We'd be completely in sync, then we'd blow up over something and not speak for a while, then get back together again. At the start of senior year, we decided to just be friends, and that was the best decision we ever made. After that, we hit our stride. For whatever reason, it just worked."

Harry nodded slowly. "Well, that explains things. Three, in the side." He didn't make the shot, but he broke up the clump of balls and left the cue sitting between the wall and his six.

I studied the table. "Is there a lot of gossip around the ship about Tom and me sleeping together?"

"Either that, or people saying you should be. And, wondering if that's what caused trouble between you and Commander Chakotay."

"Everyone must think I'm such a runabout, huh?"

He frowned. "A runabout?"

I looked at him. "Oh, sorry, flier speak. It's someone who goes from relationship to relationship, not satisfied with one-night stands but unwilling to make any real commitments. Like a vessel that can't decide if it wants to be—"

"—a shuttle or a ship," we finished in unison.

I chuckled and gave a slight shrug. "Well, they're not wrong."

"You're admitting to that?"

"If I embrace it, they can't use it against me, right? I guess we all have our defense mechanisms. Fifteen, in the side." The ball edged the pocket, but it didn't drop. "It's been the same way with Chakotay ever since we got here. We fight, we fuck, and then we fight some more. I wonder if it's time to find something more stable."

The holodeck doors opened, and Tom strutted in. "Why did you deactivate all the characters?" He grabbed a cue from the wall behind us.

"We were talking," Harry replied.

Tom raised his eyebrows. "Oh? What about?"

"Just the love triangle between you, her, and the commander," Harry teased.

Tom's eyes widened at me. "Wait, you were telling him about you and Chakotay? You've never told me about Chakotay!"

I bristled. "You don't like him. You don't wanna hear about us in the sack."

Harry made a face. "Why would she tell you about that, Paris?"

Tom set chalk on the edge of the table. "Because we tell each other everything, Harry."

The younger man's eyes widened. "Everything?"

"Everything," Tom confirmed. "You gonna take your shot?"

"Tom's my best gal pal," I explained, "and I'm his wingman. We know everything about each other's relationships," I paused, giving him a sly grin. "Does that make you nervous, Harry? Is there something you don't want me to know?" I walked my fingers up his arm. "Are you in love with me, or something?"

Tom punched me in the shoulder. "Don't be such an asshole, Tal."

I laughed, snatched the chalk, and rounded the table.

Tom leaned into Harry, lowering his voice. "Word to the wise, buddy, she won't need me to tell her that sort of thing. Shrinks find ways of getting into your head—even the ones who aren't telepaths."

I rolled my eyes.

Harry laughed nervously, brushing off Tom's warning. "Well, I guess it's good that I'm not then. Five, corner." He slipped, knocking my fifteen ball in by mistake, then hung his head as he tried to hide the flush of red that colored his cheeks.

Suddenly there seemed to be much more to Tom's scolding of me than I'd thought. I'd only been joking, but perhaps my comment was right on the mark. Did Harry like me?

No. I couldn't think about that. Pushing that question to the back of my mind, I kept my expression neutral and told myself it changed nothing.

"So..." Tom drawled, circling around the table and nudging my hip with his. "How is Chakotay in bed?"

"Oh my God," Harry groaned.

I shot a sly grin at Tom. "Incredible."

He sighed and looked at the low-hanging light over the table, a goofy grin on his face. "Just like I imagined he'd be."

"You fantasize about the commander?" Harry asked.

"Of course I do," Tom said. "Have you seen him? He's gorgeous! Don't tell me you haven't thought about it."

Harry crossed his arms. "As a matter of fact, I haven't."

Tom frowned. "What, are you straight or something?"

I snorted and turned my attention back to the table.

"No," Harry said. "I can see the appeal, but he's my first officer. Besides, I don't think about people like that unless I'm in love with them."

I bit my lip, then lined up a shot and took it. No luck. When I straightened my posture once again, I couldn't help but sneak a glance at Harry—sweet, kind, upstanding Harry. The more I learned about him, the more he seemed way too good to be spending his time with people like Tom and me. But he chose us anyway.

And now he might be developing a crush on me.

Tom shrugged. "Fair enough. Now can you two finish this game already? I want to play."

"So impatient," I teased, poking Tom in the ribs. Then I turned to Harry. "I say we drag this game out as long as possible."

Harry chuckled and gave a mischievous smirk. "I like it."

Early the next morning, Harry picked up some odd readings. Captain Janeway decided to investigate, and called in the senior staff. As we walked to our stations, she explained the situation. "We've detected a strange energy configuration off the port bow."

"Any idea what it is?" Tom asked.

"It appears to be some sort of magnetic disturbance," Harry replied.

"We're going to take a closer look," Janeway said.

A few minutes later, Harry's console chimed. "We're in visual range, Captain."

Janeway ordered him to activate the view screen, and a cloud of particles appeared. When he magnified the image, we saw that it wasn't energy particles, but a swarm of space-dwelling life forms. Intrigued, Janeway decided to slowly move the ship close enough to perform bioscans.

"Captain, I'd like to bring Ensign Wildman up here to work with me on this study," I suggested.

She nodded. "Agreed."

Once our xenobiologist, Samantha Wildman, arrived on the bridge, I gave her my seat at the console and monitored our analysis from behind her. "The swarm isn't very dense," I reported. "I count less than two thousand of them."

"Take a look at this," Chakotay said, calling the captain's attention to my display screen as I reviewed the initial biosensor analysis of the creatures. "See the way they propel themselves?"

"They seem to flagellate," Janeway marveled, "almost like protozoa."

"They're achieving incredible speeds, though," I observed. "They're currently moving at a rate of over three thousand kilometers per second."

We continued our study for several more minutes, sharing our observations with the bridge crew. When the creatures began responding to our presence, Janeway told Tom to back us off; in response, the creatures began increasing their electromagnetic field, pulling Voyager inside the swarm and interfering with the ship's power output. Main lighting flickered off as the ship automatically shifted into power conservation mode. Janeway consulted with B'Elanna on a method of escape, then returned to the science station where Sam and I continued our analysis of the creatures.

Several minutes later, Neelix entered the bridge and marched over to the captain, huffing about how the EMH threw him out of sickbay. He had taken Kes in for odd behaviors, and learned that she was likely ill from our proximity to the swarm.

I turned to Neelix. "How is Kes being affected by the swarm?"

"That's what I wanted to know," he fumed. "But, before I got any answers, I was summarily dismissed!"

Just then, the com chirped. "Captain," the EMH said, "I think you and Lieutenant Eelo had better come down here."

In sickbay, Kes was kneeling on top of the doctor's desk. She was folded over her legs, rocking herself as quiet whimpers poured out of her mouth. She was drenched with sweat.

The EMH met us at the door. "I was conducting tests. She was none too cooperative, let me assure you. Then, suddenly, she screeched and shoved me out of the way, went into my office, and proceeded to erect a photon-disrupting force field at the door. I can't lower it."

Neelix pleaded with Kes, but she ignored him.

I pressed the EMH for more information. "What happened before she went into your office?"

"Well I mentioned to her the results of the tests I had just completed. Her fever had increased, her pulse and blood pressure were dangerously high. Then I discovered a strange growth on her back, unlike any other tumourous substance I've ever seen before, which was not there the last time I examined her. That's when she ran into my office."

"Do you have any idea what's causing these symptoms?" Janeway asked.

"I suspect it's the electrophoretic levels being created by the swarm."

As they continued to talk, I stepped to the EMH's office and put a hand on Neelix's shoulder. "Why don't you let me try?"

He nodded.

"Kes?" I kept my tone calm. "Can you tell me what's happening to you?"

She looked at me and nodded.

"Will you let me come in? No one else, just me?"

Kes studied me for several seconds. Then, she jumped off of the desk and deactivated the force field from the panel behind her.

I stepped across the threshold and slowly approached the desk. "Thank you, Kes. You know what's happening to you, don't you?"

She nodded.

"Will you tell me about it?"

"D-did the doctor tell you he found something growing on my back?"

"Yes, he did. What is it?"

"It's... it's the mitral sac. It's where my child would grow. I'm going through the elogium, the time of change when... when my body prepares for fertilization."

"I understand. Kes, in your medical studies, have you learned about Terran sexual development and reproduction?"

She nodded.

"Is the elogium similar to puberty? Or is it more like the ovulation cycle?"

She shook her head. "It's different. And, I'm too young—much too young. It usually happens between the ages of four and five. I'm not even two yet. I'm not ready!"

"Kes, what makes the elogium different from Terran reproduction?"

"The elogium occurs only once. If I am ever going to have a child, it has to be now!"

Counselor's Log, supplemental

While I took Neelix and Kes to my office to talk them through the possibility of becoming parents, Captain Janeway returned to the bridge to focus on getting Voyager away from the swarm.

In the end, Sam and Chakotay deduced that the creatures had mistaken Voyager for a potential mate. When a much larger creature approached our position and took an aggressive posture, viewing us as a rival, Sam suggested mimicking the smaller creatures in order to make ourselves appear submissive. Then, the creatures allowed us to leave.

Kes' metabolic processes returned to normal on their own, prompting the EMH to suggest that her condition was a false alarm caused by the electrophoretic activity. He believes that she will go through the elogium at the proper time, when her body is ready for it. This, course, was a great relief to Kes. The experience has inspired her to study the process more deeply. The EMH approved her study to count towards her medical degree, which she is making rapid progress towards completing.

In yet another twist of irony, it was around this time that Sam announced she was pregnant with her Ktarian husband's child. She had known for quite a while, but Ktarian gestation was twice as long as human gestation. This allowed her some time to put off the announcement, and mentally prepare herself for single motherhood.

Soon, the whole ship was buzzing about children on Voyager. It worried Captain Janeway very much.

Janeway had begun to rely on me as a counselor—but only on her terms. We met in her ready room, rather than my office. The meetings were not on my usual schedule. I didn't take notes or operate under any specific procedures like I did during my sessions, keeping it casual instead. Most importantly, I allowed her full control over the conversation rather than directing it with my questions.

We sat on the couch in her ready room with a pot of coffee in front of us, and she vented her concerns. "What kind of life would we be giving them aboard a starship, traveling through unknown and hostile parts of space?"

"You know, Captain," I offered, "my brother and sister and I grew up on a starship. The space wasn't quite as hostile as the Delta Quadrant—I'd much prefer Klingons to the Borg—but it wasn't always safe, either. Still, we loved it. For my brother, it made him sure that he wanted to command a starship just like our dad. I fell in love with xenolinguistics and deep space exploration. Even my sister, who preferred having blue skies above her, enjoyed the adventure of it all. Kids are more resilient than adults give them credit for."

"I suppose that's true," she conceded. "But, usually ships that house children are much larger, and have been constructed with families in mind. Are we equipped to provide for children's needs? Child care, educational facilities—we'll have to build all of it."

"I think we'll do what we have to do, when we have to do it; but, I don't think it's something we need to worry about right now. We have plenty of time before enough people start having children for it to become a real issue. Most of the crew are still grieving over significant others they left behind in the Alpha Quadrant. They aren't ready to begin dating again, let alone to think about having children with new partners."

She sighed, looking at the picture on her end table. It was a happy family photo of Janeway, her fiancé Mark, and her dog Molly.

"Captain," I said gently, "is it possible that you're latching onto concerns about the crew having children because you're still not ready to accept your own loss?"

She continued staring at the photograph for a while before turning to me with sad eyes. "Maybe so, Lieutenant."

I didn't pry any more than that, and we moved the conversation onto other things. In my mind, though, I wondered if Janeway could ever be convinced to consider her own happiness during our journey through the Delta Quadrant. As the months and years passed, she would need much more than a bunch of officers—more, even than comrades. Those closest to her would need to forge connections with her that went beyond duty. If not, she might isolate herself until she drowned in despair. Someday, her happiness could be the difference between our survival and destruction.

And what was true for her was true for the rest of us, as well.

That evening, I stopped by Chakotay's quarters. "We need to talk."

He gestured towards the couch. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thank you," I said, sitting down.

He sat and watched expectantly.

I cleared my throat. "I've been thinking. Things are different now—with us, I mean. Before, it was so easy. We never thought about the future. All we thought about was our next night together, the next mission, the next battle. But, now—"

Chakotay nodded. "We have to start building lives out here."

My eyes welled with tears. I looked at my hands and stroked the creases in my slacks. "I can't do this anymore," I whimpered, my voice breaking like glass. "You've been my best friend for the past year, walked with me through the darkest and most confusing time of my life, and I can't stand to lose that for something we both know won't last."

He stilled my hands. When I didn't look up, he lifted my chin so he could see into my eyes. With his thumb, he wiped away the tears that slipped down my cheeks. "I know that you're right, but I wish you weren't. Sometimes, I really think I could—"

I cut him off with a quick kiss. "Don't. Please don't say something that's gonna make me forget why I have to do this. All I want right now is—" I slid my hands up his chest and grasped the opening of his uniform, sucking in a deep breath of air that was pregnant with his scent. Then, I released everything at once.

He wasn't mine to hold onto—not anymore.

"If we hadn't come here," I said, "then maybe. But, it's different now. We can't keep it from bleeding into our duty."

He sighed. "This is shitty."

"It really is." I stole one last moment to trace his tattoo with my fingertips and memorize every detail of his beautiful face.

When my fingers slipped down to the corner of his mouth, he pulled me closer and kissed me long and slow. I almost lost myself in that moment, my fingers teasing the opening of his uniform.

Just one more night. It would be so easy, and it would certainly feel better than going back to my empty quarters. But even as the temptation solidified in my mind, I knew it was the very same voice I had been surrendering to for a while and that it had only made me put off the inevitable.

Chakotay must have sensed it, too, because he pulled back. "I'm sorry. I think I steered us in the wrong direction."

"I'm not," I whispered, licking my lips. "But if I don't go now, I may never leave."

He nodded, watching me closely and waiting for me to go, but I didn't want to move. I sucked in a deep breath, blinked the tears out of my eyes, and sighed. "Leave, Talia," I commanded myself.

Chakotay laughed, squeezed my hands, then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. We held each other close in a gesture that somehow seemed to convey everything between us more accurately than sex would have.

Finally, I worked up the courage to let him go and stood to leave. Putting my hand on his jaw, I spoke two words I'd said hundreds of time but now held a new meaning. "Goodnight, Chakotay."

He put his hand over mine. "Goodnight."

Later that night, Harry stopped by to make sure I was okay after I'd told Tom I wasn't in the mood to join them at Sandrine's.

"I ended it," I told Harry. My eyes filled again with tears. "It's over."

He hurried to the couch where I sat and took the space beside me, hesitantly touching my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Talia," he said softly. "Is there anything I can do?"

I looked at him, the moisture in my eyes distorting his features but not disguising the kindness in his face. Regardless of how he may or may not have felt about me, I needed a friend tonight. "Will you stay with me?"

He pulled me into a hug. "Of course I will."

Releasing all of the air in my lungs, I closed my eyes and leaned into the sound of his heartbeat. The steady rhythm filled my soul and echoed through me, encouraging my own heart to match its pace.

After a while, my tears dried and I could breathe again. Tucking my legs against my chest, I gave myself permission to be selfish just once more and drifted into unconsciousness as the sound of his heart's dependable drumbeat thumped just below my ear.