Walking Over My Grave
Source Episode: VOY 2x08 Persistence of Vision

"I don't detect anything so far," the EMH reported as he scanned Captain Janeway's head with a medical tricorder. "No evidence of aneurysm, subdural hematoma, stroke."

I stood by the biobed where she sat and made notes on a PADD. "You say you've never experienced any kind of hallucinations before? Not even single-sensory, such as sounds or smells that weren't really there?"

Janeway shook her head. "Never."

"Is anyone out to harm you?"

"Not that I know of."

"Do you possess any inexplicable supernatural abilities?"

She frowned. "No."

"Is someone or something else controlling what you think and feel?"

"I don't think so."

"Have you been having any out-of-body experiences, or any feelings of being disconnected from yourself or from the present?"

"No. The hallucinations always feel real, and I always know who and when I am when I'm having them. Could it be stress?"

"Possibly," the doctor replied. "Did you go to the holodeck as I ordered?"

"Yes."

"And was that relaxing?"

"It was interesting. I'm not sure how relaxing it was."

The EMH handed his tricorder to Kes, who took it to the console in the middle of the room and started uploading the data. "There are other possibilities we should consider," he continued. "I want to scan for airborne bacteria and viruses. We should investigate the possibility of an alien intruder. And I'd like to do a cerebro-cortical scan on you."

Kes jolted, rubbing at goosebumps that prickled the skin of her arms. "Strange. Suddenly I felt cold and shivery."

"Someone was walking over your grave," the captain quipped. Both Kes and the EMH shot her concerned looks, which she waved off. "It's an old Earth saying to describe an odd feeling like that."

"How macabre," the EMH muttered. "Kes, would you please get my sub-neural scanner from the medical lab?"

"Yes, Doctor."

The room had only just fallen into silence when Janeway gasped. She stared, wide-eyed, at empty air. "Doctor! Lieutenant! Who do you see here?"

We both looked around the room.

"I see you and Lieutenant Eelo," the EMH replied.

"And I see you," Janeway said. "But, I also see a little girl from my holodeck program."

As Kes returned from the lab, she stopped short and wobbled on her feet. It was as if she had run into something. She watched with wide eyes as something we could not see moved across sickbay.

Janeway threw her hands up in front of herself defensively, wincing as if something was about to hit her.

The EMH glanced from one to the other. "What happened?"

"I'm not sure," Janeway panted. "The image of the little girl suddenly rushed at me."

"I saw it too," Kes said. "When I came in, I felt as though something hit me— bounced off me— then I saw the little girl moving right into you."

"As though you became a mirror. You reflected her back toward me."

Kes looked pensive. "I've been doing some mental exercises with Tuvok developing my telepathic abilities, but we haven't done anything like this."

"Are we sure this is a psychological or physiological problem?" I interjected. "Could something, or someone, be putting these images into the captain's mind telepathically?"

"It would certainly explain why we can't find anything wrong with her," the EMH said. "But, I'd still like to perform more tests."

"I do get the sense that there's something else going on," Kes admitted. "I'm just not sure what."

I turned to Janeway. "Do you have any thoughts, Captain?"

She stared blankly ahead.

"Captain?"

She didn't even blink.

I looked at Kes. "Do you see anything now?"

"No, nothing yet."

The EMH retrieved a neuroimaging device and proceeded to scan Janeway's head. "Fascinating," he muttered as he read the data on his medical tricorder. "Her brain activity would seem to suggest she is acting out normal, daily functions. Wait a minute. Her cortisol and adrenaline levels are spiking."

Kes' eyes widened. "I see something. A woman in a long dress is approaching her with a knife."

"Focus your telepathic energy on the woman, Kes," I told her. "See if you can deflect her back into the captain, just like the little girl."

Kes focused on the space in front of the captain, her eyes full of determination. "The woman is receding into the captain, just like before." She blinked and looked at me. "She's gone now."

I put my hands on Janeway's shoulders. "Captain. Captain Janeway, can you hear me?"

She jerked, blinked a few times, then glanced all around the room. As reality set in, her face reflected shock... then despair.

I tapped my combadge. "Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"You'd better get down here. We've got a problem."

The day before Captain Janeway began hallucinating, she had arranged to meet with a native species called Botha. Voyager arrived at the rendezvous coordinates about an hour after Janeway relieved herself of command. I was in the middle of researching telepathic anomalies when Chakotay called me to the bridge.

He was already conversing with the Botha representative when I arrived. On the viewscreen sat the who silhouetted figure of a humanoid male. I had barely made it to my station when the comlink malfunctioned and cut off.

Chakotay turned to Harry. "What happened?"

"I ordered Mister Kim to terminate the transmission," Tuvok said, "and make it look like an accidental interruption. I am concerned about some anomalous sensor readings."

"I'm getting them too," I confirmed. "Residual energy displacements. Two discrete readings. One off the port bow, one off starboard."

"Cloaked ships?" Harry asked.

Chakotay looked at Tom. "Reverse course, Mister Paris."

"Aye, sir."

My console beeped. "Two ships decloaking."

"The Bothan ship is powering up weapons," Tuvok reported.

"Evasive maneuver gamma five," Chakotay ordered.

Voyager jolted as weapons-fire slammed into her shields.

"Report!"

"Shields at eighty seven percent," Tuvok answered. "Minor damage on decks four and twelve."

"They're turning back for another strike," I warned.

"Initiating evasive pattern beta two," Tom said.

We exchanged fire with the Bothan ships for a few minutes, our shields steadily dropping while we seemed to do no damage to theirs. Tom continued trying to escape, but the enemy somehow predicted his every move and cut him off.

Then, Harry made an observation. "There's something weird going on, Commander. I'm not reading any life signs on the two ships that just decloaked."

"There's no crew?"

I engaged the biometric sensors to check Harry's claim. "Confirmed," I said. "No life signs."

"Looks like the ships are automated," Harry continued. "They're being controlled by the Bothan ship."

"Tuvok," Chakotay said, "concentrate your fire on the lead ship."

After firing another volley, Tuvok reported, "We have hit their weapons array, but not severely enough to disable it."

"Commander," I warned, "the three ships are manoeuvring to surround us."

"Get us out of here, Paris."

"I'm trying!"

Another volley of weapons-fire rocked Voyager.

"Shields down to twenty one percent," Tuvok reported.

"We've got damage on all decks," Harry added. "Reports of injuries."

Chakotay hung his head. "All stop."

A chirp sounded at Harry's station. "The lead ship is hailing us, Commander."

"On screen."

The dark figure sat again before us. "Your ship is damaged and your captain incapacitated. I will accept your immediate surrender."

Just then, Captain Janeway entered the bridge. "You're not getting one. The captain is fine."

"I don't think so. I think the battle is over now." The figure stood and walked into the well-lit foreground.

I gasped. I was not staring at an alien, but into a pair of turquoise eyes that mirrored my own. "Marnah."

Marnah smiled. "Ja'ital."

She looked just like she had the last time I saw her. Those turquoise eyes were bright and determined. Straight copper hair was pulled back into an efficient bun that always seemed to leave out a few short, red whisps around her angular face. An ornate Bajoran earring that marked her as an Eelo was displayed on her right ear. Even though she was slightly malnourished from living so long on stolen ration packs, she still looked as strong as ever.

Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, and I reminded myself that she wasn't real. I distracted myself by running whatever scans I could think of.

"Mister Paris," Janeway said, "who do you see on the viewscreen?"

"It's—" Tom gulped. "It's my father."

"I see my girlfriend, Libby," Harry said.

Janeway turned away from the viewscreen. "Mister Kim, shut down visual."

"I'm trying, Captain," Harry insisted, his voice weighted with frustration. "It won't terminate."

"Mister Tuvok, do a multiphasic scan on those ships. I want any evidence of defensive weakness. And prepare the forward photon torpedoes for launch." When he didn't reply, she looked to tactical. "Tuvok!"

He stood in place, staring blankly at the screen.

Janeway walked to his station and shook him. "Tuvok!"

"Captain, I'll do it," Harry volunteered. "Running a multiphasic scan."

The com chirped. "Torres to the bridge."

"Janeway here."

"We're having problems down here, Captain. People are becoming catatonic at their stations."

"It's happening here, too," Janeway said.

Results from my scans began popping up on my screen. "Captain, there's a massive energy field coming from those ships."

"What kind of energy field?"

"It's bioelectric, modulating on a delta wave frequency. It has psionic properties, and it's permeating the hull." I looked up to meet her eyes. "So it is telepathy. Psionic fields have a psychoactive effect. That's what's making everyone hallucinate."

"You can try remodulating the shields," B'Elanna suggested, "but in the meantime, I'm going to set up a resonance burst from the warp core. That will probably block the field, but it'll take a while to set up."

"Get on it," Janeway ordered.

"Ja'ital," Marnah said, "ja'talin'sera, you must listen to me. I was on a mission when an alien array brought me to the Delta Quadrant. I couldn't get back home, so I began traveling on my own. These people, the Botha, they captured me. They've captured many people from all over the galaxy. But I can give you their secrets. Just listen to me."

"Ah'vayzan'va, meral'ek!" I snapped, pulling the knife from under my jacket.

"Lieutenant Eelo!"

I jolted. My hands were still on my console, and my knife was still in its sheath. As I looked around the bridge, I realized that Chakotay was gone. I struggled to push through the confusion in my mind, clawing my way back to reality. Marnah called to me. Tears blurred the edges of my vision, but I didn't even dare to blink. I reached up to wipe them away. "I'm here, Captain."

"I need the shields remodulated on a rotating frequency."

"Aye, Captain." I glanced at ops.

Harry's eyes were wide and unblinking, and he stood completely still.

"Paris, are you still with me?" Janeway asked.

"Sure am, Captain. I'm running the scans on those ships."

"Good. I suggest you don't look at the viewscreen."

"Oh, it's not even tempting."

"Ja'ahkaya per ja'ital," Marnah cajoled. "You're so strong. I'm so proud of the woman you've become. But, you're so lonely. You gave up everything to be there for me when I was lonely. Let me be here for you now. Kana, chali."

I shook my head. "I can't remodulate the shields, Captain."

"Captain, I'm getting results from the scans," Tom reported. "No apparent defensive weaknesses. Metallurgical analysis is inconclusive."

"Try moving us out of here," she said. "If we can get some distance between us and those ships, we might be able to block the effects."

"Yes, ma'am."

As soon he entered the new course into his console, I heard the faint hum of a transporter beam on the bridge and the shink of a knife being drawn from its sheath. I looked up just in time to see Tom slide to the floor, a gaping wound between his ribs. I opened my mouth to cry out, but I was too late. Captain Janeway collapsed, as well.

I pulled my knife and jumped to my feet. Before me stood the decorated Cardassian soldier, Gul Dukat. "Ah'no talin'serakem," I muttered. I am strong-hearted.

Dukat and I circled one another. "Maquis filth," he spat.

"Cardassian scum," I shot back.

He grinned.

"What are you so happy about, asshole?"

"You've already lost the fight, Little Eelo."

"I know who you are, Botha. You don't fool me. Any minute now, our engineer will activate the resonance burst, and we'll be free from your telepathic attacks."

"Your engineer has already succumbed to me. They all have. But, you, I suppose, I'll just have to kill with my own hands— just like I will kill your mother."

I tightened my grip on the hilt as I roared at him. Marnah had trained all of us kids in Bajoran combat techniques. I never had the instincts for it like she did, but with Tom and Captain Janeway bleeding out on the floor, and the rest of the crew lost in a trance, everything came down to an ability that I had never felt entirely confident in.

I had to finish my opponent fast.

Time slowed to a crawl. I could feel every groove and scratch on the hilt of the old knife as I flipped it in my hand, catching the tip of the blade between my thumb and index finger. I followed each muscle as it contracted, from my core to my right arm when I swung it up and pulled it back behind my shoulder. I tasted every molecule of air that I forced from my lungs as I propelled the blade forward with the full force of my strength, sending it spinning end over end towards Dukat's smug eye. The moment it left my fingers, I moved to lunge at him shoulder-first, trusting my knife to distract him just long enough to divest him of his own wickedly long blade.

But, it never hit its mark.

Suddenly, I was back at my console as if nothing ever happened. My knife was still sheathed, and I blinked against the bright overhead lights. Dukat was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Captain Janeway.

Tom sat at the con, looking just as confused as I felt. Without thinking, I rushed over to him, checking his side for a stab wound. "Are you okay?"

He grabbed my hands. "Tal, it's okay. I'm okay. The captain must have activated the resonance burst from engineering. We're locked out of bridge controls, but we're okay." He smiled at me. "We're okay."

Personal Log, Eelo Talia: Stardate 49095.8

Even though the telepathic alien has gone, I can't stop thinking about what I saw... and what I did. After chatting with some other crew about their hallucinations, it seems clear that he chose visions so unsettling that we could not ignore them. Most of the crew are reluctant to share details openly, though several have already asked to be added to my schedule as soon as possible. I get the distinct feeling that most of us saw things we've tried to bury and forget. As victimizing an experience as it was, it will force many of us to face hard truths about ourselves that we'd rather ignore.

For me, it's that I possess the very same dark impulses as what I actively decry. It's all well and good to fight with efficiency when phasers are set to stun, but it's much more costly when the heat of battle cools and I can't seem to wash the blood from my hands. It doesn't matter how many times I do it, or how many ways people justify it. I still carry the weight of every single life I've taken, and I always will. It's easy to believe that I'm past killing now that I'm no longer in the Maquis. Today I was reminded of just how quickly my killer instinct takes over.

I suppose there is comfort in the fact that I'm not alone. We hold these dark secrets so close to our hearts, too embarrassed to show others our flaws and unable to accept ourselves as imperfect people. The truth is, we're all in the same place. It's only when we're brave enough to reveal these secrets that we can start to figure things out together.

The next morning, Captain Janeway asked if I could squeeze her into my schedule at the end of the day.

"Have a seat," I told her, gesturing to the couch in my office. "Computer, activate session setting Eelo-alpha-five-one-three, and access psychological records for Kathryn Janeway."

"Session settings active," the computer responded. "Kathryn Janeway psychological records accessed. Please review and verify session terms and policies."

Snatching a PADD from my desk, I followed her to the seating area and took a grey wingback chair across from the couch. "Before we begin, I do have a few procedural things that I have to mention. First, everything we discuss in this room is protected by confidentiality. However, any diagnoses I make or behavioral issues I observe can be put on record and shared with certain approved medical, security, or command personnel if it is necessary for the health and safety of you or other members of this crew. Second, I am required to file a report if I have any reasonable suspicion of abuse, neglect, self-harm, or criminal activity. And third, it is my own practice that we do not refer to each other by rank or position while in session, but by name. To acknowledge that you understand and accept these terms, please state your vocal access code for the computer."

"Computer," she said, "voice authorization Janeway-pi-one."

"Authorization accepted," the computer confirmed.

"Thank you, Kathryn." I crossed my knees. "How are you doing this evening?"

"I'm doing all right, Lieutenant, considering the circumstances."

I lifted my eyebrows.

"Talia," she corrected.

"It will feel awkward to use names at first, but you'll get used to it. I do it to foster a more egalitarian relationship between us, and to make it less intimidating to communicate with one another."

She nodded. "I understand."

"I must admit, I was a little surprised when you asked for an appointment. Would you like to tell me about what prompted you to do this?"

She sighed and folded her hands in her lap. "It was the hallucinations from the Botha gentleman. Actually, it started with my holonovel. I take the role of an ancient English governess for two children who have recently lost their mother. In the last chapter I opened, my employer— the children's father— he… well, he declared himself to be in love with me, and he kissed me. And… I liked it, but it also made me feel guilty. I think that's why it became the main issue of my hallucinations."

"Did you see Mark in your hallucinations?"

"Yes."

"What did he say to you?"

"He said— he asked if I remembered him, and if I thought about him. He wondered if Lord Burleigh was taking his place in my thoughts. And he was disappointed in me for allowing myself to feel the way I did about this holocharacter. He told me that he missed me, and that he'd committed to wait for me however long it takes to get home." Her voice softened, and she looked down at her hands. "He wondered if I would be just as faithful to him."

"Do you believe that you have acted unfaithfully towards Mark?"

"No." She looked at me. "I don't think so."

"Do you feel guilty about your activities?"

"Yes, but I'm not sure why."

"Most people don't consider romance holonovels to be infidelity," I said. "Have you participated in them before?"

"Yes, of course."

"While you were with Mark?"

"Yes."

"Did it bother either of you then?"

"Not at all."

"So what makes this time different, other than the distance?"

It was several seconds before she gave an answer. "The truth of the matter is that I do find myself thinking about Lord Burleigh outside of the holodeck, and I don't think about Mark as much as I used to."

"Why does that bother you so deeply, Kathryn?"

She shook her head. "I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes, I wonder if it's too soon to start moving on. I'm afraid to think about what my life is if Mark's not a part of it anymore. And, honestly, it feels a little silly to admit to having feelings for a holocharacter."

I leaned forward. "Kathryn, our brains react very similarly to fictional characters in stories as they do to real people. This is even more true on the holodeck, where we interact with them like real people. It's not an inherently bad thing. Often, such connections help us improve skills like empathy and creativity. There is no shame in having feelings for a holocharacter."

She chuckled. "Well, I'm glad you think so. I almost didn't say it out loud."

I smiled. "I'm glad you changed your mind. Thank you for sharing it with me."

"Do you have any insights to offer?"

I sat back. "Kathryn, have you ever considered the possibility of dating? Not right now, necessarily, but down the road?"

She squirmed a bit. "As the captain, that's not a luxury I have."

"As captain, you're also supposed to eat separately from the rest of the crew and avoid developing close personal friendships with them," I reminded her. "But there are no captains, admirals, or civilians to satisfy your sexual or relational needs here. You can't very well expect yourself to function as a captain at all times with all people. Besides, Starfleet purposely keeps those guidelines under the heading of 'Recommended.' Nobody at command expects deep space officers to keep them."

Janeway stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I suppose that's true. We didn't exactly debate the issue in command school."

"Well, I never went to command school, but I did grow up in deep space. I saw my parents successfully maintain a happy marriage that shifted between professional hierarchy and domestic partnership every day. I saw them develop deep, life-long friendships with crew who were their subordinates on duty and their drinking partners off. Those people helped raise me. They sent me birthday coms every year after we moved to Earth, and they came to my graduations. We became a family out there. It's not always easy, and it's not without complications, but we are communal animals. We need each other to survive."

"That's an insightful perspective, Talia. Perhaps we should talk about that in more detail sometime."

"I will always make time in my schedule for you, Kathryn. Nothing would make me happier than to see you allow yourself to be happy. Right now, being happy may mean using the holodeck to satisfy your sexual and emotional needs. Eventually, when you're ready, you can allow yourself to make deeper connections with the crew, and have relationships that transcend duty. I'll help you as much as you need me to."

She smiled. "Thank you for the offer, but I don't think that will be happening for quite a while."

I shrugged. "Perhaps not, but my point is that I don't want you to have a reason to be closed off to it. You are very good at your job— very good. But captains are not islands, and your crew needs you to recognize that. They put their lives in your hands every day, and they need you to be as healthy as you can be. It sounds backwards, but perhaps the most selfless thing you can do for your crew is to allow yourself to be happy."

When the computer notified us that time was up, and released the communications block, we both stood at once.

"Well," Janeway said, "you've given me a lot to think about. Thank you."

"Of course. Let me know when you're ready to schedule another session."

"I will." She turned towards the door.

"Um, Captain?" I said tentatively.

She looked again at me, her mouth quirking with amusement at my sudden change of address. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

I smoothed my hands over my uniform. "I, uh, I know it's against uniform code, so I understand if you say no, but I wanted to ask—"

She nodded. "Go ahead."

I cleared my throat. "I'd like to request permission to wear my earring, Captain. To honor my mother and my people."

She smiled. "Permission granted, Lieutenant. But, if I may, why didn't you ask before?"

"I'm not accustomed to wearing it with my Starfleet uniform," I answered honestly. "I didn't think much about it. But, after seeing my motherin those telepathic hallucinations... well, I guess I didn't entirely appreciate the importance of some things until they were 70,000 light-years away."

She reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. Her sharp blue eyes were full of compassion. "I understand." With a reassuring squeeze, she bid me goodnight.

Returning to my desk, I looked slowly around the room. Then, with my face tilted upwards, I closed my eyes. "A koochi moya," I murmured, borrowing a method Chakotay once taught me. "I am far from the sacred places of my grandmothers. I am far from the bones of my peoples. But, perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace me and carry a message to the spirit of ja'marnah, Eelo Fayeni. Ja'ahkaya per ja'ital, ji'pagh rana tah. Ekan'va kost fal solem."

Akoonah or no, I couldn't help but feel like she heard me somehow.