Light and Shadow
Source Episode: VOY 2x11 Maneuvers

After one of our usual dinners in the mess with Tom and B'Elanna, Harry asked me if I would like to go for a walk on deck eight. That stretch of corridors was the longest and most circuitous on all of Voyager, making it the ideal place to stretch one's legs in such small living space.

"Ice skating?" I repeated as Harry and I rounded the corner by pod storage. "That's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

"Hey," he said, "I don't like the cold."

"So, what, your friends pressured you into it?"

"No! I did it of my own free will."

I grinned at him. "You did it for a girl, didn't you?"

He blushed. "Maybe a little bit."

"Oh, how sweet! Did you win her over?"

"Well, it wasn't a date or anything. We were just friends. She wanted to go one weekend, but her roommate had gone home, so she asked if I'd go with her, and I said yes."

I laughed. "Harry, why so shy with women?"

"I'm not shy! I'm just… careful."

"Mmhm."

"Besides," he added, "she— I wasn't really her type."

"What," I teased, "she wasn't into kind, smart, and handsome?"

His cheeks flushed slightly at the compliment, but his eyes sparkled with humor when he replied, "Too much penis."

"Ah-ha, I see. So, you're a sucker for impossible women."

"I like to think of it as... I have high standards."

At that, my heart sunk a bit. I gulped and looked away, then noticed Lon Suder walking towards us. I smiled at him. "Hi, Lon."

He nodded politely as we passed. "Talia."

When he was out of earshot, Harry leaned in close to my ear and lowered his voice. "Is he, you know, okay?"

"Harry, you know I can't answer that question."

"I know. He just gives me the creeps."

I shrugged. "He's misunderstood."

After we finished walking the circuit, Harry escorted me to my quarters on deck four. At my door, I turned to face him and smiled. "Thanks for the company, Harry. I really enjoyed our walk; I'm glad you suggested it."

He smiled back. "Me, too."

My eyes slipped momentarily down to his lips, and I had to drag them back to his eyes. Oh, but those eyes. I took a shaky breath. "Goodnight."

His cheeks tinged with the slightest touch of pink. "Goodnight."

When the doors slid shut behind me, I exhaled sharply and leaned against the wall. What the hell was I doing, falling for the sweetest and most innocent officer on Voyager? What was wrong with me? I would break his big heart.

—Or, he could be the best relationship I'd ever had.

"Are you and Ensign Kim romantically involved?" Lon Suder asked me the next day during our session.

"Lon, you know that's not how this works," I chided.

"He likes you, you know."

The corners of my mouth pulled up of their own volition. "What makes you say that?"

"I saw it in the way he was looking at you, before you noticed me in the corridor. I see that you like him, too."

After my initial evaluation of Lon, I had requested the EMH perform a few tests. More specifically, I wanted him checked for Visual-Psionic Synesthesia. My suspicion turned out to be correct; his psionic abilities were much weaker than most Betazoids, but still functional. Cross talk in his brain lead to his empathetic ability being interpreted as visual, rather than psionic, sensory input. In essence, Lon saw feelings. That diagnosis alone unraveled much of his mystery for me.

"What about now?" I asked, inviting him to practice his unique skill. "What do you see when you look at me today?"

He gazed at me with intensity. "Isolation."

"Well read."

He tilted his head to one side. "Are you lonely, Talia? You should ask Ensign Kim on a date; maybe you'll feel better."

I quirked an eyebrow. "You like to play mind games with people, don't you? I do, too. It's innately satisfying to throw someone off-balance, to force them to face the uncomfortable realities that everyone tries so hard to pretend don't exist within themselves."

"Mmm, yes. The inner darkness is a most exciting thing, isn't it?"

"Indeed. Tell me, how would you describe your own inner darkness?"

Lon grinned devilishly. "So brazen, Little Eelo. You need to practice being more subtle. If I let you shine a light on my darkness, it would no longer be dark. What's the point of it, then?"

"You'd rather hold onto it, even though it blinds you?"

"Oh, no, you misunderstand. I embrace both light and darkness. You say darkness blinds, but light blinds us even faster than darkness does. We are not made to live entirely in the light. There must always be shadow. We cannot learn about light from the light; it's too intense. It is the shadows that teach us about the light."

I nodded. "Very well. Are you gaining a better grasp on your own inner light and shadow with the mindfulness technique I taught you last week?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. It's quite liberating to neither ignore the thoughts nor engage them. There is a certain empowerment in being able to recognize them just as they are— to let them come and go in my mind without taking action. I never would have thought that passivity would feel more empowering than action, but it does."

"I'm glad to hear that. Do you have any questions about the process, or any other insights from your experience that you want to share with me?"

"None in particular."

"Good. This week's assignment, on top of continuing your mindfulness meditation, is to develop a social code. Essentially, this is a short list of rules that you want to impose upon yourself in order that you can function well within society. Do you remember, a couple weeks ago, when we talked about taking a logical approach to your impulses?"

"Yes. You made the point that acting on my impulses can often have the effect of scaring, angering, or alienating other people from myself, which will leave less human resources available to me when I need them."

"Exactly, so it's more logical to resist impulses that will isolate you, and to instead act in socially acceptable ways, because it is more beneficial for you to have social connections that you can rely on. So, a social code is going to be a list of the specific ways you will put that approach into action. For example, resist the urge to harm to others unless they pose an immediate threat to your safety, because disrupting the social environment you are in will have a negative effect on you."

"Interesting. And these codes can be as specific as I like?"

"Yes, but I recommend you keep the list short and simple so it's easy for you to commit to memory."

The computer chimed. 'The session has ended. Session settings deactivated.'

"I'll have my social code ready by next week, Lieutenant," Lon promised.

"I look forward to it." I smiled. "Good work this week, Lon. You're doing great."

I worked through my usual dinner time that evening, so the mess hall was quiet by the time I got there.

"Talia!" Neelix greeted. "You came just in time! I was about to put away all of the food."

I grabbed a plate. "I'm glad I got here when I did, then. It all looks very good, Neelix."

When my plate was full, I turned to find a seat and spotted Chakotay at a table in the back. For three months, we had kept a professional distance between us. I figured it was as good a time as any to test our friendship. "Can I join you?"

He looked up and smiled. "Of course. How are you tonight?"

"Good," I answered, taking the seat across from him. "Just working a little later than normal. You?"

"I'm doing well, thank you. Are you ready for the bridge officer's test tomorrow?"

"Quite excited, actually. I'll kick your test's ass."

He laughed. "Really? Because, I was planning on it kicking yours."

"I guess you'll finally get to see how much I remember from what you taught me in the Maquis. The answer, by the way, is everything."

"I know. You could do my job if you wanted to."

"I don't know about that," I demurred, "but thank you."

"I mean it. If it does take another seventy-four years to get home, you'll be Tuvok's first officer by the time it's over."

I wanted to tell him that it wouldn't take so long— that we'd find a faster way back and he would see his home again before he died— but I couldn't get the words out.

He took a sip of his tea. "How's it going with Suder?"

"Great, actually. I think you'll be pleased with his next evaluation."

"I'm glad to hear it. If you can help him, you might change my mind on counselors."

"Really? So, when would you like to schedule your first session?"

He shook his head. "Don't push it."

I laughed. "Just kidding. You seem like you're doing better, Tay."

"I am. Odd as it sounds to admit, I think this place is good for me."

"Do you enjoy being back in uniform?"

"Yes and no. I'll never like being tied to procedure all the time, but I did miss the order that hierarchy brings. And, it's nice being on a ship that's not always on the verge of breaking down."

I nodded. "That's true."

"You seem to be happier here, too," he observed, studying my face.

"I am. Happier than I've been since I was on Alpha-Tri. Maybe by the time we get back, Starfleet will realize how much they fucked up with me."

"They'd be stupid not to." He stared out the window behind me. "I wonder how our people are doing right now— if they've declared independence, or if the Cardies have put them down."

I rested my hand on top of his. "They haven't been put down, Chakotay. The Maquis are survivors. They will get their way eventually. The Federation can't ignore what the Cardassians have done forever."

He stared down at our hands.

Realizing my mistake, I snatched my hand away and muttered an apology.

"It's no big deal," he said. "You're a touch-oriented person."

I didn't reply.

He turned back toward the viewport. "I wish I was as confident as you are in other people— in the Maquis and the Federation."

Except that I wasn't confident in the Federation. I was wounded and bitter and cynical. It just seemed so undeniably clear to me, after so much time spent in the middle of the brutal war, that the Maquis cause was a righteous one. How could the entire Federation possibly ignore the truth of what their treaty had done to their own people?

Yet, although I didn't say it out loud, I knew that in my pagh, I feared the exact same outcome Chakotay did.

Personal Log, Eelo Talia: Stardate 49185.7

The bridge officer's test went very well, allowing me to hold a rank more befitting of a CSO. It's a little surreal; a year and a half ago, I was a Maquis rebel, and I fully expected to never wear a rank on my collar again. When Captain Janeway restored my old rank of Lieutenant, I was just glad to not be in confinement. Then, a few days ago, Janeway informed me that she and Chakotay wanted me to take the bridge officer's test so I could qualify for command. Now, I'm a Lieutenant Commander.

They also invited Harry to participate in the test, given that he's been put in a senior position on the bridge. He and I took turns going through the first three simulations— diplomatic law, first contact procedures, and bridge operations. The final test— engineering qualifications— we had to do separately. Testers cannot be allowed to know ahead of time that passing it depends on being able to order someone to their death. It was technical and heartbreaking, but I figured it out by my second try. Harry seemed more shaken by it than I was, but he passed. He wears a new pip on his collar to prove it.

It is a little disconcerting to know that this promotion might someday be the very thing that forces me to be the death of a crewmate. My parents have both had to make decisions like that before, so it's not as if I didn't already know about that part of command. Still, it's one of those things that never gets any easier to swallow.

A week later, Voyager discovered a communications beacon, which was sending a Federation signal directly to us. Hopeful that Starfleet had found a way to contact us, we followed its signal to a nebula. The moment we directed a tractor beam at it, Voyager shuddered.

Captain Janeway steadied herself on the railing that surrounded the center dais of the bridge. "Report."

"We are taking fire from inside the cloud," Tuvok said.

"Source?"

"Unknown."

Janeway took her command chair. "Battle stations."

With the science station's specialized sensors and algorithms at my fingertips, I actually had an edge on Tuvok at demystifying the phantom in the nebula. "The source looks to be a Kazon raider at coordinates one-five-eight mark nine. I'm not sure what sect."

"Hail them, Mister Kim," Janeway ordered.

There was a moment's pause before Harry said, "They're not responding, Captain."

"Warp three, Mister Paris. Get us out of here."

Tom had barely acknowledged the order when the massive vessel broke through the haze of purple gasses. As it fired on Voyager, there were energy surges all over our ship. "Warp engines are offline, Captain."

"That's convenient," I muttered.

"Initiate evasive pattern omega three. Mister Tuvok, return fire."

"Aye, Captain."

"Kazon ship is in pursuit," Harry warned.

"An opening is forming in the starboard shields," Tuvok said, "seventy two centimetres in diameter."

Janeway looked to tactical. "See if you can close it, Commander. Try rotating the shield harmonics."

The Kazon fired again, clearly undeterred.

"They are continuously matching their weapons frequency to our shield frequency."

Janeway swiveled her head towards Chakotay. "How the hell can they do that?"

"I don't know."

Everyone scrambled to find a way to counter the Kazon's attack, but to no avail.

"It's as if they know our access codes," Chakotay observed.

Just then, my console alerted me to movement. "Captain, there's something else in the nebula— something smaller."

"The beacon?"

I shook my head. "I think it's a shuttlecraft."

"Confirmed," Harry said. "It's emerging from the cloud now." He paused as it came into sensor range. "It's Kazon."

"It is heading directly toward the opening in our shields," Tuvok added.

Janeway gripped her armrests. "All hands, brace for impact."

The shuttle slipped through the opening in our shields and slammed into Voyager at full impulse speed. The inertial dampeners did well to absorb most of the shock, but it still gave us all a hard jolt.

'Warning,' the computer said. 'Hull breach on deck four, cargo bay two.'

"Containment protocols are in place," Tuvok said, "but main power and life support are failing on deck four."

"Rerouting auxiliary power," Harry responded.

'Warning,' the computer added. 'Intruder alert in cargo bay two.'

Tuvok ordered his security teams to deck four, then left the bridge to join them. Mike Ayala— one of the few former Maquis with officer qualifications— took his place at tactical.

Meanwhile, the rest of us attempted everything we could think of to make an escape. After a few minutes, Tom threw up his hands. "It's no use. We're not going anywhere with that shuttle sticking out of our side. It's totally destabilising our warp field."

Just then, my sensor net crashed. "Harry, did you reroute power from my sensors to transporter room two?"

"No, sir," he responded.

"Bridge to Tuvok," Chakotay commed. "There may be intruders in transporter room two."

"Acknowledged." It was a tense few moments before Tuvok announced, "The Kazon have beamed away, and they've taken one of our transporter modules with them."

"Captain," Harry said, "The Kazon ship is hailing."

She threw a confused look at Chakotay before ordering the com on screen.

It was Culluh.

"Captain Janeway," he greeted. "First Maje Culluh of the Kazon-Nistrim."

"I remember you, Culluh," Janeway seethed. "That transporter module you just stole was specifically designed for our ship. You'll never be able to integrate it into your systems."

"I've had some help updating our technology since we last met." Lifting a hand, Culluh gestured towards someone out of view. Then, like something from a nightmare, Seska stepped into the frame. She no longer sported her former Bajoran features. Her skin was nearly stone-white, with only hints of pink remaining under the surface. Corded ridges guarded both sides of her neck, and smaller cords rimmed her browbone. At the center of her forehead was an inverted drop-shaped ridge, which was tinged blue.

Chakotay spoke for all of us when he growled, "I should have known you were involved."

"Yes," Seska agreed, "you should have. Just like I knew exactly how you would respond to our attack, every step of the way. You've always been so predictable."

"Captain," Harry said, "the Kazon ship is powering engines."

Seska smiled. "Goodbye, Chakotay. Lovely to see you again." With that, the com signal was cut, and they were gone.

The bow of the Kazon shuttlecraft jutted several meters into the cargo bay like a spear in the belly of a whale. It looked as if it had been molded and sharpened to a point— an unusual design element that contradicted the rounded, oblong look Kazon ships usually had.

By the time I arrived, several of the staff were already present— Captain Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Harry, B'Elanna, and Neelix. With the PADD in my hand, I tapped Chakotay on the shoulder. He looked at me, and his affect immediately darkened in response to the grim look on my own face.

"What is it?"

"Sensor analysis," I said as I offered him the PADD.

Although he accepted my report, he responded the way that command officers tended to do, which was to ask me for a verbal summary of the important stuff so he wouldn't have to read it. "What did you find?"

"I think you should look over this one yourself, Tay, and tell me what you think."

The truth was that my conclusion was something very serious— something that would contraindicate Janeway's usual strict adherence to Starfleet policy— and I wanted Chakotay behind me before I voiced it.

To do that, he needed to draw the same conclusion on his own.

Chakotay narrowed his eyes at me, reading the pointed look on my face. Nodding just once, he proceeded to review my report.

As I walked towards the Kazon shuttle and surveyed the damage it had caused to Voyager, B'Elanna crawled out of the shuttle's cockpit. "They modified the bow to puncture our hull."

Neelix was flabbergasted. "I've never seen the Kazon do anything like this before."

"Until now," I pointed out, "they've never had an ally with Cardassian, Maquis, and Starfleet tactical experience."

Harry sighed. "The question is, how do we dislodge it without losing structural integrity? With main power down, our containment fields are extremely unstable."

"We'll have to reroute additional power to the containment field and tow their shuttle out with one of our own," B'Elanna said. "Then we can repair the breach. The shields and the warp drive will have to wait."

Janeway gave a sharp nod. "Warp drive isn't going to do us much good with this knife stuck in our belly. Get it out fast. We don't want the Kazon to put too much distance between us."

Neelix's eyes widened. "Forgive me, Captain, but are you sure going after the Nistrim is the wisest course of action after what they've already done to us?"

She turned to face him directly. "Let me make something very clear. The Nistrim are in possession of Federation technology. That is an unacceptable situation."

"Even though all they've stolen is a small computer component?"

"That small component has the potential to cause vast problems in this quadrant." She paused, perhaps to remind herself that Neelix wasn't familiar with Starfleet policy, and changed tactics. "You're our resident expert on the Kazon. What do you think the other sects will do when they realise the Nistrim have transporter capabilities?"

"They'll try to get it for themselves any way they can." His face lit up with understanding. "You're right. It could alter the balance of power among the sects."

"Exactly. And it is our duty to do everything we can, no matter how dangerous, to stop that from happening."

Neelix nodded. "You can count on me, Captain."

Chakotay stepped forward. "From the look of these sensor readings, Seska wants us to come after her."

Yes. He saw it, too.

Janeway frowned. "Commander?"

He glanced at me, nodded, then looked back to the captain. "I think Seska's leading us into another trap. She masterminded a precision raid that made us look like first-year academy students, but she left a warp trail for us to follow. After such a flawless performance, why would she suddenly make that kind of mistake?"

"You think she wants more than the transporter." A muscle in her jaw twitched. "Are you suggesting we don't follow her?"

That was what I wanted to recommend.

"No," Chakotay said.

I opened my mouth to protest, but then thought better of it. Defying both of my commanding officers— and Starfleet's precious Prime Directive— in front of half the senior staff would get me nowhere.

Chakotay continued. "I agree with everything you said about preventing the spread of our technology. But, conventional tactics aren't going to work with Seska. We'll need to come at her with a few surprises of our own."

"I'm open to suggestions."

Tuvok locked his eyes pointedly on Chakotay. "Perhaps Commander Chakotay could use his intimate knowledge of Seska to manipulate her in much the same way she manipulated us."

I grit my teeth to keep from arguing.

While Chakotay's unexpected agreement with Starfleet policy should have been my first clue into what he meant to do, the incensed look on his face should have been my second. Instead, I missed both signs because I was too focused on forcing my own inner turmoil to conform to Janeway's standards. I goddamn deserved the promotion I had earned, and I wasn't about to loose it because of Starfleet's stupid politics.

Oddly enough, B'Elanna seemed to be on board with Janeway's plan. She and Chakotay worked together to come up with a way to find and destroy the module Seska stole. It was better than trying to get it back, at least, so I convinced myself that it would work out.

I assumed that the reasons for Chakotay's tacit support of the Prime Directive were similar to my own. He was happy on Voyager— a condition I had never truly observed in person. Something about his service to Janeway and our combined crews had brought him a kind of peace. Why threaten that homeostasis with a spat over policy?

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Just as we were convening in the briefing room to discuss how we could get close enough to destroy the module, we realized that Chakotay was missing. In the time it took for the senior staff to gather on deck one, he commandeered a shuttle and slipped away to destroy the module by himself.

About thirty minutes later, we got his message beacon. "Chakotay to Voyager. If this signal has been activated, it means that I have destroyed the Nistrim's transporter capabilities. Captain, I apologize for acting without authorization, but I ask you not to put the ship or crew in further jeopardy by attempting to rescue me. It's unlikely that I'm still alive."

I should have seen it coming.

Within ten minutes, Captain Janeway, Tuvok, B'Elanna and I were in the briefing room. Nobody could sit down. While Tuvok and B'Elanna argued about whether we should abandon Chakotay or rescue him, I stood off to the side, leaning against the table and staring at the scars etched into my palms.

"We've got to go get him," B'Elanna insisted.

"Commander Chakotay has expressly requested that we not attempt to do so," Tuvok reminded her.

"We don't have to honor that request," B'Elanna shot back. "Captain?"

Janeway turned away from the window and looked directly at me. "Commander, you've been extremely quiet throughout this entire chain of events. What are your thoughts?"

Tuvok and B'Elanna waited on me to break their stalemate, both believing that opposing qualities within me would lead me to support their side. Logic or heart; which should I follow?

"I agree... with Tuvok," I said quietly.

"What?!" B'Elanna balked. "Are you kidding me, Talia?"

I held Janeway's gaze. "The truth is, I thought from the start that we should have run fast and far from the trap Seska laid for us. A transporter module is nothing compared to the whole ship."

"Why didn't you object before now?" Janeway asked.

I scoffed. "Oppose both of my commanding officers? Tell them to ignore Starfleet's most sacred rule?"

"That's why I made you a senior officer. I need you— all of you— to speak your minds, especially when you disagree with me."

"Alright, then here's what I think now. I want to go after Chakotay. But we know it's a trap. If we go, and we underestimate Seska— and we will underestimate her no matter what— even more of our technology could fall into the Kazon's hands. Seska never leaves a fight empty-handed."

"It is also important to remember that the commander may not still be alive," Tuvok added.

B'Elanna grit her teeth. "He's alive."

"B'Elanna's right about that," I said. "Seska won't kill him as long as he's still of use to her. I have no doubt she knew exactly how all of this would go. She will expect us to come for him."

Janeway took a step towards B'Elanna. "My gut tells me we should go after Chakotay. But my better judgment tells me we should honor his request."

B'Elanna softened in the face of Janeway's honest inner conflict. "I would never want you to ignore your judgment, Captain, but let me ask you this. In your judgment, how would the loss of our first officer affect this crew? What would it do to the morale on this ship? Maybe this is an instance when your gut is giving you better advice."

Janeway glanced at me, and I pursed my lips. In the end, it wasn't my call; it never was. Secretly, I wanted her to take B'Elanna's side, but I also feared what could become of us if she did. My logical mind reminded me that while our psyches were tender, we would eventually adjust to the change and move on. Why risk our lives to avoid temporary grief?

The look on Janeway's face as she turned back towards B'Elanna told me how deeply she was coming to care for Chakotay. She nodded, then commed Tom and ordered him to resume our course towards Cullah's ship.

I walked away from that meeting unable to rejoice in Captain Janeway's decision to side with B'Elanna. Although I had made the right argument according to procedure, I knew that I had become the very thing I hated most about Starfleet.

I put procedure before people.

Worse than that, I broke the most basic tenet of my relationship with Chakotay. I stopped looking out for him. I left him behind. And it wasn't even for the same noble intentions that he had acted out of. No, I did it to protect myself and my own status in the eyes of Captain Janeway and Tuvok— and, by extension, Starfleet. I had proven myself loyal to Starfleet protocol, but at what cost?

The life of one of my best friends... and of my own soul.

Our gamble turned out to be lucky that time. Captain Janeway was able to outsmart Seska and get Chakotay back. We all thought she would demote him and confine him to quarters, given how upset she was, but she merely put him on report.

To Chakotay, the captain's disappointment stung far more than Seska's plotting or Cullah's beatings.

I was on the bridge recalibrating my station's sensors when Harry picked up a communications beacon.

"Another one?" Janeway asked.

"It's a message to Commander Chakotay... from Seska."

Janeway turned to Chakotay. "Would you like Mister Kim to put it through to your office?"

Chakotay shook his head. "No. I think I've spent enough time alone with Seska."

"Very well." She glanced at Harry. "Put it on screen."

Seska's green eyes glittered with glee as she delivered her message. "Hello, Chakotay. Congratulations on your victory. I look forward to our next meeting. Oh, and there's something you should know. While you were unconscious, I took the liberty of extracting a sample of your DNA. I impregnated myself with it. So, I guess more congratulations are in order." She smiled. "You're going to be a father."

All the light that once filled Chakotay's face was snuffed out in an instant. After Seska's announcement, he became increasingly angry and isolated. He wouldn't talk to anyone about anything other than duty— not even to me. Seska had finally broken him.

After that, the only thing that alleviated my own sense of guilt was the thought of my knife meeting Seska's throat.