Dissonance

Source Episode: VOY 2x25 "Resolutions"

"What can I do for you, Commander?" Captain Janeway watched expectantly as I entered her ready room.

"Departmental reports." I handed her the first of two PADDs that I had brought with me.

She took the device and skimmed its contents. "Anything of particular note?"

"Stellar cartography and astrophysics came up with some interesting findings in their analyses of the divergence field we passed through the other day. Nothing of immediate importance, but still fascinating to read. Of course, xenobiology is absent due to Sam being on maternity leave."

Janeway looked up. "How is she doing?"

"Physiologically, she and Naomi are both doing well. She's still having the reoccurring nightmares about Naomi's death in the divergence field. Dr. Schmullis and I are taking measures to prevent further psychological trauma. Mostly, I think, what she needs is time."

"Of course."

"Next, there's been a development with Crewman Lon Suder. Ever since he started working with Kes in airponics and being mentored by Tuvok, his conditions and attitude have shown marked improvement. Which brings me to this—" I handed her my other PADD. "Lon has requested permission to split his duty shifts between engineering and airponics. Kes and B'Elanna have already signed off on it. He strongly believes that, given more time, he can come up with ways to improve the quality, flavor, and output of many of the plants we grow. He already has several ideas."

"Fascinating," she remarked with a grin, glancing over the request. She tapped a button and handed the PADD back to me. "Request granted. Pass this on to Commander Chakotay so he can rework the roster."

"Aye, Captain."

"Anything else?"

"That's most of it. The rest are summary analyses of the chemical, geographical, anthropological, and linguistic data we've collected over the last week. And then there's the reports from the QM lab, which I still can't make heads or tails of no matter how many times the techs try to explain it to me."

She quirked her lips in a crooked smile. "Lucky for you, quantum mechanics is my specialty."

"Yes, I suppose so."

She eyed me carefully. "Is something bothering you, Commander?"

I shook my head. "It isn't important. Just a personal matter that's been on my mind. Nothing to do with duty."

"Well, is it something I can help you with?"

I studied her for a moment, considering the offer, then took a seat in front of her desk. "It's, ah, it's just—" I rubbed my palms against my slacks. "How did you know when you were in love?"

She gave me a knowing look. "Well, I suppose I finally realized it after I took my first command post. Mark and I had known each other for a long time, but I didn't want to get too close because I knew my life wouldn't be very stable. But, after that mission ended, Mark was waiting for me there at the station. He told me that he didn't care what it took or how often I had to be away, because he was in love with me. And, I realized that I felt the same way."

"I see," I murmured.

"Haven't you ever been in love?"

I shook my head. "Like you said, why let anyone get close when you know it's not going to last? I had one goal in life, Captain—to be a deep space counselor. When Starfleet took that away from me, all I could think about was finding Marnah. By the time I transferred to Chakotay's cell, there was nothing left but anger. I had no room inside of me to love him. And, frankly, neither did he. We were both very broken people when you invited us to join this crew."

"You've come a long way in the last year." She paused. "You know, it occurs to me that you've been doing so much to help Ensign Wildman, Chief Torres, and several others cope with the stress of our encounter with the divergence field. But, what about you?" She leaned towards me. "I know how close you've become with Harry. You carried on with your duty after B'Elanna reported his death, but I recognized the look in your eyes. You love him."

Janeway was no stranger to love and loss. Although we never discussed the shuttle accident that claimed the lives of her father and first fiancé, it was all there in her psychological records for me to see.

Evidently, my own loss had been written just as plainly on my face.

She continued. "It can't be easy to reconcile your divergent experiences."

How had a standard departmental report turned into a therapy session for me? It wasn't the captain's job to fix me. I out a shaky breath and got to my feet. "I'll manage, Captain. Thank you for talking. I'll keep what you said in mind."

"Talia," she called, halting my hasty departure with the shock of her informal address. I turned back and met her compassionate gaze. "I'm no counselor, but my door is always open if you need to talk."

Blinking back a threat of tears, I gave her a quick nod. "Thank you, Captain." With that, I all but fled from the room.

That afternoon, my sensors detected an uninhabited M-class planet. It looked like a promising spot for food and mineral supplies, so we altered course to investigate.

Once we arrived, Janeway sent teams to various locations on the surface to collect samples of plants and minerals for analysis. Chakotay and I beamed to a mountainous area on a continent inside the temperate zone, where the landscape looked strikingly similar to the American Southwest.

A few minutes after we called in our initial report to the bridge, Janeway came to join us. "I wanted to get some fresh air," she said.

Chakotay chuckled when she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Remind you of home?"

"A little south of home, maybe." Opening her eyes, Janeway pulled out a tricorder and nodded. "Let's get to work." It didn't take her long to wonder off into some nearby woods.

As I was collecting samples from a bush of berries I had found, Chakotay announced that he was going to check on the captain. I met them just as they reemerged from the trees.

"We need to get back to the ship," Chakotay said.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Janeway waved off my concern. "It's probably nothing, but we got a few bug bites in the woods while we were taking soil samples. We should have the doctor look at them just to be safe."

I nodded and tapped my com badge. "Eelo to Voyager. Three to beam up."

When we materialized on the ship, I asked Janeway if I should accompany them to sickbay. She declined. Opening the case she carried for sample collection, she removed a small container with a beetle inside. She then closed the case and handed it to me. "Take our samples to the botany lab for analysis."

I nodded and took Chakotay's case. "Aye, Captain."

I was still assisting Dr. Klegglachen when Dr. Schmullis called me to sickbay.

The moment I stepped through the doors, Schmullis whipped out his medical tricorder and scanned me from head to hip. "No sign of the virus," he told Kes, who made a note on the console.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Janeway answered. "I've asked Lieutenant Commander Tuvok to join us. Dr. Schmullis will explain the situation once he arrives." She and Chakotay sat stiffly on two biobeds side-by-side. Janeway's face was neutral, but Chakotay looked worried.

Another minute later, Tuvok came. "I have recalled all of the away teams, Captain. They are in the process of transporting back to the ship, and will report to sickbay upon their return."

She nodded. "Thank you, Tuvok."

Schmullis joined us by the biobeds. "Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay have been infected with a form of viral hemorrhagic fever. They're still in the incubation stage of the virus, so they shouldn't begin to show symptoms for a few days. However, once they do become ill, the virus will likely become deadly. Preliminary treatments have failed to eradicate the virus, and the specimen that Captain Janeway brought aboard was not a carrier. They'll need to stay here while I look for a cure."

"I can go down in a biosuit and collect other specimens," I offered. "I'll take a transport enhancer with me and beam the insects back separately; that way, I won't become infected, as well."

"My research would be significantly helped if I could get a specimen that does carry the disease."

Janeway nodded. "Do it." She then turned to Tuvok. "Until this gets sorted out, you'll be in command of Voyager. Keep scanning around the clock for signs of Vidiian ships nearby. As long as the coast is clear, we should stay in orbit, in case Dr. Schmullis needs any more scans or samples from the planet."

"Understood."

It took four days for Janeway and Chakotay to show signs of illness. The first phase of the virus featured moderate flu-like symptoms, which Dr. Schmullis did his best to control with various medicines.

Sam Wildman volunteered as much time she could spend away from her newborn daughter, Naomi, in order to help Kes and the Schmullis with their research. Yet, none of the insects we found seemed to carry the virus. Half of our science labs worked to analyze anything that might help us find a cure, and I reassigned nearly all of my divisional staff to assist in achieving our goal.

Yet, we found nothing.

Three days after the first symptoms emerged, Sam suggested that we check the continent for mammalian life. If we could study their immunogenicity to learn how they coped with the disease, perhaps Dr. Schmullis could formulate a cure. When biosensors turned up several options, I took Sam, Kes, and a couple lab assistants to the surface. The preliminary scans we brought back, mostly of a shrew-like creature we found, yielded no immediate insight into a cure.

Still, we kept looking.

With further study, Dr. Schmullis noted that the shrews were also infected with the virus. Yet, they suffered no liver damage and appeared otherwise healthy—that was, until we brought one aboard Voyager. When he ruled out other options for thier sudden development of symptoms, he hypothesized that something about the planet was suppressing the virus. He implanted the shrew with a bio reading transmitter, and we sent the creature back to where we found it. Within a day, its biosigns had stabilized and the virus was being suppressed once again.

Around that same time, Janeway and Chakotay moved out of phase one. Their immune systems had killed off most of the virus, and the symptoms abated, but a few localized strains of the virus survived and were beginning to multiply. We decided that our best chance for saving our command team was to put them in stasis on the planet's surface before the virus spread and triggered the second phase.

For another seventeen days after that, we researched the hell out of our shrew lead. We tested everything we could think of, and checked our results multiple times, just to be sure we hadn't missed something. We continued collecting samples of every insect we could find in the area, but none of them carried the virus.

We were out of leads.

The only hope we had left was to contact the Vidiians and ask if they had developed a cure for the virus, which I knew wouldn't happen. Janeway would never allow it, Tuvok would never defy her orders, and risking one hundred and fifty lives for two officers went entirely against protocol. Schmullis hung his head in despair as he sent me to the bridge with his report.

All my years of well-practiced self-control failed to keep the tears from escaping my eyes as I delivered that report to Tuvok.

About an hour later, Tuvok called the senior staff, as well as Neelix and Kes, into the briefing room. He informed everyone of our failure to find a cure, Captain Janeway's order to not contact the Vidiians, and her transfer of command to him.

"So we're just going to abandon them on this planet?" B'Elanna asked.

"Those were Captain Janeway's express orders," Tuvok replied.

"But you're captain now," Tom pointed out. "You can rescind them."

"To what end?"

In my periphery, I saw Tom look to me for support. I kept my eyes facing the table and my mouth firmly shut.

"I can tell you," Neelix interjected, "the morale of the crew is going to suffer if we leave them behind."

"Not 'if,' Mister Neelix," Tuvok corrected. "When we leave them behind. The decision has been made. We will, of course, provide them with everything they'll need for their survival and comfort."

"You talk as though it were a camping trip," B'Elanna said, clearly becoming more agitated by the moment. "They have to spend the rest of their lives down there."

"That is not a certainty. Captain Janeway intends to continue researching the virus. She is an able scientist, and may eventually be able to effect a cure. They have a type nine shuttlecraft at their disposal if it becomes possible for them to leave the planet."

Tom balked. "Type nine shuttlecraft has a top speed of warp four. It won't take them more than, oh, about seven hundred years to get home."

"Tom." I shook my head.

"I am not certain what it is you expect me to do, Lieutenant."

Tom ignored my warning. "Clearly, something you can't do," he spat, "which is to feel as rotten about this as we do."

Tuvok was unaffected. "You are correct that I am unable to experience that emotion. And frankly, I fail to see what the benefit would be." He paused and looked around the room. "If there is nothing more, you are all dismissed."

Making eye contact with Tom was a mistake. As he stood, the look he gave me spoke of disdain and betrayal. I put my head in my hands and reminded myself to breathe.

"Commander," Tuvok said, drawing my attention to him. "Will you join me in my ready room?"

'My ready room,' not Captain Janeway's. I dropped my hands and cleared my throat, doing my best to swallow every crushing emotion. "Yes, sir."

Once we entered the ready room, Tuvok sat down behind the captain's desk. I took a seat in front of it. "I am sure you are aware, Miss Eelo, that you are next in the command structure to become Voyager's first officer."

I nodded. "Yes, sir."

"However, under normal circumstances, your duty as ship's counselor would take prescedence over taking on the responsibilities of a permanent command post, and the position would fall to the officer ranking below you."

"Tom," I murmured, and Tuvok simply nodded. "But, these are not normal circumstances."

"Indeed, they are not. As such, I ask that you consider serving this crew as my first officer. If you were to accept, you would still function as the ship's counselor, as a matter of necessity, but those duties would need to be secondary to your command duties. You are the most qualified officer on board for the posting, and I believe that this ship and this crew will be better served should you choose to take the post. However, I will not act against Starfleet policy on the matter. If you wish to remain at your current post, you have that right."

"Thank you, sir."

"Do you need time to consider your decision?"

There wasn't much to consider. Tom had come a long way since the beginning of our journey, but he sure as hell wasn't ready to be a first officer.

Was I?

I shook my head. "No, sir, I don't need any time. I will accept the assignment."

"I am pleased to hear that. I see no reason for you to replicate new uniforms for yourself, and I will continue to respect Captain Janeway's approval of your cultural accessory. If you would, please prepare a list of candidates to take over as Chief Science Officer."

"Thank you, sir. I'll have it ready first thing in the morning."

By the end of the day, we got word that Janeway and Chakotay had received everything they needed from us. As a means of farewell, the crew submitted letters for our former command team; Kathryn and Chakotay, too, wrote letters to us.

With that final exchange completed, Captain Tuvok gave the order to resume course towards the Alpha Quadrant.

Instead of going to the mess hall after duty, I found myself leaning up against the corridor wall across from Chakotay's office—my office. Eventually, Harry came looking for me.

"Talia?"

I did my best to force a smile. "Hey, Harry."

"What are you doing?"

"I didn't really feel up to eating or socializing, so I thought I'd get started on setting up my office instead. But, I can't bring myself to go inside. It's still his office, you know? How can I just walk in and disturb his space?" Tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them back. "It feels like I've been asked to desecrate someone's grave."

Harry winced at the word 'grave.'

"Sorry," I said.

He shook his head. "Don't be. It's your truth."

"Did you read the letters?"

"Yeah, I did. You?"

I shook my head. The guilt I felt over discovering their lonely planet rose like bile in my throat, but I swallowed it down. "I tried to... but I couldn't."

Harry nodded. "Chakotay's letter to me was short—very short. With so many to write in so little time, I imagine most letters were. He told me to watch out for you, and take care of you, because you wouldn't do it for yourself."

My chest heaved with a sob.

Folding me into his arms, he added, "That's exactly what I intend to do."

The emotional dam I'd kept my finger in all day burst open, and I cried into his shoulder until I was too weary to think about anything at all.

Eventually, Harry coaxed me into the mess hall to try and eat. Neelix gave me his best morale-boosting efforts, but I still ended up sitting quietly, picking at my food and staring out the windows at the stars.

Harry's academy friend, Ensign Lyndsay Ballard, came and joined us, looking uncharacteristically sedated. "I was hoping I'd run into you guys. I hear you're poking around among the junior officers looking for dissension, Harry."

"You don't have to make it sound so bad, Lynds. I'm just asking people how they feel about it."

"Well, I think it sucks targ balls. I can't believe we're just going to leave them behind. How can Commander Tuvok be okay with that? I thought he and Janeway were supposed to be old friends."

"Captain," I muttered.

They both looked at me, a bit surprised to hear me finally speak.

I paused in the middle of shredding my food to look back at them. "Tuvok isn't a Lieutenant Commander anymore. He's the captain."

Lyndsay gave a nervous snort of laughter. "Oh. Right. Wow, I didn't even realize I said—well, that's gonna take some getting used to."

"Mhmm." I turned my attention back to my plate.

"Anyway," she continued, "I just can't help but feel like we should do something, you know?"

"Exactly!" Harry exclaimed. "That's exactly how I feel."

"Maybe you should say something to Captain Tuvok about it."

Harry sighed. "No, we already tried that when he briefed us. He's pretty adamant about following Captain Janeway's orders."

"Maybe you could convince him, Talia. You're his first officer now, but you're still the ship's only counselor. If you can explain to him how hard this is on the crew's emotional well-being—"

"It won't change his mind."

"I don't know, Talia," Harry said. "He respects you more than anyone else on the ship. If anyone can get through to him, you could."

I dropped my fork, weary of looking at my food, and out of patience with the conversation. "No he won't, Harry, because it would require him to act in open defiance of Captain Janeway, protocol, and logic. He'll never make that kind of decision. Not ever. And, as awful as it is, he's not wrong."

His face drained of color as he leaned back, raising his hands defensively. "Talia—"

Harry's surrender didn't even register in my mind. I had snapped, and I was going for the jugular. "None of my people got any rest for the entire past month while we were trying to find a cure. Sam even gave up her maternity leave to help. It's entirely possible that there just isn't a cure, not even with the Vidiians. And, if they do happen to have one, they sure as hell won't share it with us. They will turn on us if we contact them. You know that better than any of us, Harry. You saw it happen. They'll kill us all, and then they'll go back for Chakotay and Kathryn. So just give it up, okay? Get over it and move on." With that, I shoved my chair away from the table and stormed out.

A little over a day after my confrontation with Harry in the mess hall, Tuvok hailed Kathryn and Chakotay to ensure they were doing well. They requested the channel be projected throughout all of Voyager, at which point they gave us their final good-byes. A few minutes later, Voyager moved out of com range for good.

After that, I worked up the courage to move into Chakotay's office.

For two weeks, I avoided everyone. I didn't see any patients. I locked myself in my quarters, skipped most meals, and threw myself into my new command duties. There was much to catch up on, and I was so very far behind. It helped that I couldn't seem to sleep much at all, giving me even more time for work. After a while, I began to feel like I might actually be making headway.

Then, I had a confrontation with Tuvok.

At the end of that miserable shift, I headed straight for my quarters. The door slid open, revealing an intruder in the darkness—Harry Kim, sitting calmly on my couch.

I froze.

Hopping to his feet, he made it to me in four strides and wrapped me in his arms.

The warmth of his body seemed to seep into every part of me, thawing my ability to breathe and speak and move. Sliding my own arms around him, I sighed into his chest. "You heard."

"I did."

"What did you hear?"

Harry relaxed his grip and stepped back, pulling me with him into my quarters. The door slid shut behind me. "That you had another crying spell during your shift today, and that when you went back to the bridge, Tuvok called you into his office." He touched my face. "What happened?"

The heat became too much, and started to burn. I slipped out of his hold and looked away. "Nothing."

"Talia."

Zipping off my uniform jacket, I stepped around Harry and hung it on the back of a dining chair. "How did you get in?"

"I asked my question first."

I sighed and settled on the couch. "He offered to relieve me of duty for a few days so I could grieve."

Harry followed me to the couch, refusing to let me isolate from him. He sat beside me and took my hands. "Good. I'm glad you're getting some time to process this for yourself."

I frowned. "What? No! I don't need time to grieve. I'm second in command now. What I need is to move the hell on. I still have to catch up to where Chakotay was when he left. I'm behind. I can't afford to lose any time."

He hung his head. "You've got to be kidding me. Please tell me Tuvok saw through that bullshit."

I yanked my hands from his. "It isn't bullshit. But he didn't like my response."

"Good."

"I kind of yelled at him."

"You—" His eyes grew wide. "You what?"

"It wasn't my best moment."

"What did he do?"

I shrugged. "Nothing, at first. Just looked at me all smug like he does because I was only proving his point. I convinced him not to relieve me of duty on one condition—I have to meditate with him at least three nights each week."

Harry studied my face with an intensity too painful to bear. Was it sadness I saw in his eyes? Pity? Worry? Regardless, I couldn't see the one emotion that I deserved to have him focus on me—anger. After the way I had treated him during the past two weeks, it should have been anger. But it wasn't, and I couldn't understand why.

With tenderness I didn't deserve, Harry stroked my face.

That was all I could handle.

Heat rushed through me, carrying a surge of need that made my body ache. I crushed my mouth against his and slipped my tongue between his lips, probing for entry. He opened to me immediately. I tipped his head back and swept my tongue inside as I hastily straddled his lap, unzipped his jacket, and worked it off.

"Talia," he murmured.

I cut him off with another kiss. It wasn't words that I needed. Words would only lead to more feelings, and I couldn't take the pain. I needed to feel good, and I knew of only one sure-fire way to accomplish that. I reached for the clasp of his pants.

Harry grabbed my wrists and pulled me away. "Talia, stop."

I blinked, my brain unable to process his unexpected response.

The evidence of his arousal was clear, yet he held me away from himself like something dangerous. "Not like this," he panted, as if it took all of his self-control to speak those words. "Please, not like this."

Embarrassment rushed through me like a cold wind, and I scrambled to my feet. I paced away from him, but was unsure of where to go or what to do next. We were in my quarters, so I couldn't just leave. Part of me wanted to scream at him to go, but the rest of me desperately needed him to stay. I wrapped my arms around myself and crumpled to the deck, sobs shaking my whole body.

A moment later, Harry was there, folding me into his embrace once more. "It's okay," he soothed. "It's okay. It's okay."

But it wasn't okay. Captain Janeway and Chakotay were gone forever, and the whole goddamn thing had been my fault. I was the one who found the planet. I had suggested we change course to investigate. Apart from that, Janeway and Chakotay would still be on Voyager where they belonged. Instead, they were gone and I was the one to blame.

"It's not your fault," Harry insisted.

Had he been reading my thoughts? Or was I simply that obvious?

"We're going to get through this," he promised.

"Take care of her," Chakotay had said in his final letter to Harry. "She won't do it for herself."

Chakotay was absolutely right. In a sense he knew me better than Tom ever had, because Chakotay had seen me through unimaginable trauma during our time together in the Maquis. He'd experienced me at my worst, and he'd dragged me through the darkness with no mental health resources at all. He knew what it took to break me, and he knew my favorite coping strategies.

With his words to Harry running through my mind, I curled my fingers into Harry's shirt and whispered, "I need help."

"Anything," he said, squeezing me tighter. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

"Take me to sickbay."

"Now?" He gulped. "Do you mind if we, uh, wait a minute?"

Right. I had pounced him and he still needed time to come down. Saving him a little embarrassment was the least I could do considering his incredible patience with me. I nodded. "We can wait."

"Sorry."

"Don't be," I said, lifting my gaze to his. "I'm the one who should apologize. Can you forgive me?"

He cupped my face in one hand. "Of course I forgive you."

I stared into deep brown eyes so full of compassion and... something else I wasn't certain how to identify. Was it love? I pressed my cheek into his hand. "Please don't leave me."

Harry rested his forehead against mine. "Never. If anyone is going to walk away from this relationship, it will have to be you. I'm not going anywhere."

It was the second time in two months he'd made that promise to me. It wasn't something he could guarantee at all. Nothing about our lives was certain.

But this time, somehow, I believed him.