Resolutions

Episode Referenced: 2x25 "Resolutions"

By the end of our first month without Kathryn and Chakotay, I was accepting new appointments again, and I had nearly caught myself up on executive duties. With Kes managing my patient files, the newly-promoted Lieutenant Sam Wildman taking over as Chief Science Officer, and Dr. Schmullis treating me with an antidepressant, I finally started to find my feet again.

It was a good thing, too, because time did not seem to be healing the crew's hurt over our loss, nor did it do anything to fade their bitterness towards Tuvok for leaving Kathryn and Chakotay behind. Many of them pressed me to talk to Tuvok, and it left me feeling torn between the two very different roles I was playing on the ship.

On the one hand, the crew were in deep emotional distress that needed badly to be resolved before it became something negative; on the other hand, I fully understood the tactical and command reasons why Tuvok pressed on as he did. The conflict became my own inner dissonance, because I truly did not know how to choose one over the other or how to make them meet in the middle.

Normally, I spent Sunday mornings reading from the lectionary and praying. It was a practice my family had kept semi-regularly at the request of my uncommonly religious grandmother who wanted her grandchildren to be raised in the Catholic tradition. The fifth Sunday after leaving Kathryn and Chakotay on that planet, however, I struggled to concentrate, rereading the same sentences over and over. I sighed and snapped the book shut, whispering an apology to Grandma.

Just then, the door chimed.

"Come in." The doors swished open, revealing Kes on the other side. I smiled and set my book down. "Kes! What brings you here?"

She stepped inside. "I wanted to talk to you about—" She paused, seeing the prayer candles and lectionary on my coffee table, and the rosary beads still coiled around my fingers. "I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

I leaned over the table to blow out my candles. "Not really. I couldn't keep focus, so I wasn't really doing anything."

"Were you trying to meditate?"

"Pray, actually."

She smiled. "I didn't know you were religious."

"Only somewhat. I tend to be skeptical of the metaphysical claims religions make, but I appreciate the symbolic and cultural meaning, and I honor the religious traditions of both my parents." I uncoiled the beads from my hand and crossed the crucifix before setting it on the lectionary. "Silly as it sounds, keeping the weekly liturgy helps me feel connected to my family somehow."

"I don't think that's silly, at all. I think it makes perfect sense."

I smiled at her kindness. "How can I help you, Kes?"

"I was hoping I could talk to you about the crew."

"Of course. What's going on?"

An hour later, Kes and sat in Tuvok's quarters. After replicating a pot of Vulcan spice tea and three cups, he joined us in the seating area and served our drinks. "What would you like to discuss?"

"I'd like to talk to you about my father," Kes said.

Tuvok set the teapot down. "Your father?"

Kes nodded. "He was a very wise man. More than anyone, he shaped the person I am. If it hadn't been for him I would have never questioned my people's beliefs. I would have never left our city. I would never have met all of you."

"Then we owe him a debt. It is difficult to imagine this journey without you."

She continued. "When he died, I had just turned one year old. I didn't know how I'd get through the rest of my life without him. But then I started working with you and I didn't miss him so much anymore."

"I am honored by the comparison."

"My father always taught me to question everything. He said it was important for me to think about things for myself, instead of just accepting what others tell me. He said that there would be times when I would know what the right thing was, and that I might have to stand alone to defend it. But, he also taught me to remember that being right isn't everything, that sometimes the more important thing is compassion. He said that if something doesn't help others, then it isn't the right thing, even if it's the most rational option."

"A wise lesson."

"As captain, the well-being of your crew is important to you."

Tuvok nodded. "Of course."

"Their emotional well-being as well as their physical safety?"

He frowned in that barely-frowning way that many Vulcans do. "I cannot allow myself to become hostage to their feelings."

"Captain," I interjected, "I know you miss Kathryn deeply. You shared a friendship with her far beyond what most Terrans and Vulcans have. I know you're affected by this, too. But, you must realize, the rest of the crew doesn't understand that. They can't believe someone so close to Captain Janeway could just leave her behind without blinking an eye. It makes them wonder if they can trust you."

"Their feelings about me are irrelevant. I am their captain, not their friend."

"With all due respect, sir, their feelings aren't as irrelevant as you might think. I'm doing the best I can to help them get through their grief, but it's hard to accept leaving her behind like this when she would have done everything in her power to bring any of us home."

"Need I remind you that we did all that we could to develop a cure for the virus?"

His remark stung, but I took it in stride. "No, sir, you don't. But, we still have an option that we haven't tried yet, and, in my opinion, it's only a matter of time before someone takes it upon themselves to do what they believe is right."

He ticked his eyebrows. "That is a valid point, Commander. Perhaps it would be wise to tighten the security of our communications systems."

"You know that's not why we came here, Tuvok," Kes said.

"I am aware of your intentions, but Captain Janeway specifically told us not to contact the Vidiians. The safety of this crew is paramount, and I must do whatever I can to ensure that safety."

"Captain," I said, "I agree that contacting the Vidiians is unwise, and I agree that your job as their leader requires you to not be tied down by the crew's every emotional whim. This has been a source of great conflict for me, as well. I've done my best to be both their counselor and executive officer. But, as Kes said, the logic of compassion has to balanced with the logic of survival. When Chakotay was captured after destroying the transporter module that Seska stole from us, Captain Janeway chose to mount a rescue attempt even though he specifically said not to."

"A mission that we were fortunate to come out of alive," Tuvok countered.

"You're right. That's why I took your side of the issue, and it's why I've supported your decision in this matter so far. But, after talking it over with Kes, I've had a change of heart. The crew may be safer by avoiding the Vidiians, but they're bleeding out emotionally. They can't go on like this forever. They need closure."

"Besides," Kes added, "we think there's a way to get the cure without turning this into a suicide mission."

Tuvok quirked an eyebrow. "Go on."

"We want to return to Dr. Denara Pel's colony. It's small and remote enough that the risk will be minimal, and I know that she'll help us however she can."

I nodded. "Stellar cartography has already updated the ship's sensors to recognize divergence fields like the one we passed through last month, and the techs in astrophysics think they can work with B'Elanna's people to find a way to protect Voyager from being duplicated again."

The captain pondered our proposal.

"Tuvok, please," Kes said. "They are suffering because of this."

First Officer's Log, supplemental

In exchange for several samples of B'Elanna's DNA, Dr. Pel has supplied us with the anti-viral agent we need to cure Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. As it turns out, she took my advice and became a social advocate within the government of her colony. Her work has been well received by the colony's leaders, who she persuaded to make the trade with us. Beyond that, they showed us some tricks to keep us from being detected by other Vidiian ships as we make our way out of their space. We've said our good-byes, and are now on our way to retrieve our crew.

"So," I said to Chakotay, setting down a PADD, "everything seems to check out here." I crossed my legs and sat back in my chair, more content than I had been in months. "Tell me about your experience on New Earth."

He shrugged, resistant to counseling as he had always been. "What do you want to know?"

I couldn't help but smile with amusement.

He frowned. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm not being very successful at retaining my professional neutrality. I've missed this; I've missed you."

He quirked his lips to one side. "I've missed you, too. You know that I'd much rather talk to my friend Talia than Counselor Talia."

I nodded. "Alright, Tay. Friends. But, I'll still have to enter notes on our conversation."

"Fine," he agreed.

I got to my feet and padded across to the couch where he sat, taking the cushion next to him. He smiled and nodded his approval before pulling me into a hug. When we parted, he noted the weariness in my eyes. "I told you that you could do my job."

I made a sour face. "It was so awful. I felt like I had to be two separate people in one body. A counselor is supposed to balance the command staff—to offer a perspective that doesn't tend to occur to them— not to be them. If I do end up back in that chair someday, I need to make sure there is someone to replace me as counselor. I never want to do both, not ever again."

His eyebrows jumped in surprise. "Are you saying you'd give up counseling for command?"

"Maybe, but not today." I sat back and studied his face. "What happened down there, Tay?"

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "For the first several weeks, Kathryn refused to settle. She obsessed about her research and finding a cure. Even when she was relaxing in her bath at the end of the day, she'd go on about it."

I raised an eyebrow. "Her bath?"

"I… built her a bathtub during our first week there. She said she preferred baths to sonic showers."

I smiled at him teasingly, but for the first time, he didn't get defensive or tease me back.

"I made a lot of things," he explained. "Paintings and sculptures for the house. A headboard for her bed so she'd be more comfortable when she sat up to read at night. But, she always resisted my efforts to make that ridiculous modular into a real home. It was infuriating."

"How did things change after the plasma storm?"

"When her equipment was destroyed, she supposed it was finally time to let go. But, it was clear that she still couldn't. She'd keep going back over all the research that your teams and Dr. Schmullis did, and the things she had come up with since then, combing through it all day after day, looking for something someone had missed.

"At one point, I noticed her rubbing her neck, so I offered to work on her muscles for her. At first, she was appreciative, but after a few minutes, she suddenly got awkward and went to bed. She tossed and turned for a while, until eventually she came out and insisted that we needed to talk. She said we needed to establish boundaries between us."

I put my hand on his forearm. "What did you tell her?"

"I said that I couldn't do that. Then, I made up some story that I told her was an ancient legend in my tribe, about an angry warrior whose tribe was captured by a female warrior, and he promised to do whatever he could to support her."

I smiled. "And she didn't jump you right there? Because that definitely would have worked on me."

He chuckled, then grew quiet again. "Actually, she cried. She knew it wasn't really an ancient legend, but it ended the discussion. She never said anything about us again, and, after that, she finally started to settle down."

"Tay," I said, gently squeezing his arm. "Are you in love with her?"

He looked at me for several long seconds, deciding whether or not to answer my invasive question. I honestly didn't expect him to tell me, but after a pause, he admitted the truth aloud. "I've loved her ever since the day she rescued me from Seska."

"Then maybe it's time you told her that."

Later the same day, I met with Kathryn. She, too, checked out fine on my pathological assessment. I set down the PADD and transitioned into the talk portion of our session. "How do you feel about being back on Voyager?"

She smiled and lifted her chin. "It's good to be back."

"Do you feel any disappointment with Tuvok or the rest of the crew for going against your orders not to contact the Vidiians?"

"I was concerned about the situation, a little frustrated perhaps. But, I can't say I was disappointed in anyone. In all honesty, I probably would have done the same thing myself."

"Do you feel any sadness at leaving New Earth?"

"Well, I suppose it did start to grow on me towards the end. But, I spent most of my time on research."

"Until the plasma storm destroyed your equipment," I said.

"That's right."

"How did that affect you?"

She glanced down at her hands, which were folded tightly in her lap. "It was devastating." She looked at me. "The whole time we'd been there, Chakotay kept trying to convince me to give up and accept our fate, but I knew I could solve the puzzle if I could just find a few more of the pieces. Then, just when I had thought I was about to find something big, it was all gone."

"How did you cope with that loss?"

"The only thing I could do—I reviewed all of the data that you, Dr. Schmullis, and the away teams had collected. If I wasn't going to find any more pieces of the puzzle, then I would just have to solve it with what I had."

I smiled. "Always the stubborn scientist."

She raised her hands with a shrug. "What else?"

"Then what happened?"

She thought back for a moment before responding. "Well, I worked on that for several days, until…" her words trailed off.

"Until what?"

"I'm not sure. Life happened. Something changed, and it just didn't matter as much anymore. I guess I finally started to let go."

"What changed?"

"I took up gardening."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is that all?"

"We talked about building a boat, exploring the river, going camping."

"Okay," I said, shifting my approach. "What was it that made you decide to let go of your research and settle into those kinds of activities instead?"

She looked down at her hands again. "He said that he would do anything he could to make my burden lighter," she finally admitted.

"Why did that affect you so strongly?"

She sighed, and met my eyes. "I'd spent too much time hunched over a screen. My knots were getting knots. Chakotay noticed and offered to help. He said he used to do it for his mother— giving neck rubs." She smiled at the memory, but then became troubled. "I think we both realized it then, that our relationship had changed."

"How so?"

"I wasn't sure, but I didn't want him to get the wrong impression, so I suggested that we talk it out, establish boundaries."

"What kind of boundaries?"

She flinched. "I think you already know the answer."

"Do you?"

"I... had to stop any tension before it began."

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

I smiled. "The only thing that's obvious to me is that you do your absolute best to isolate yourself, and to convince yourself that you can stand alone."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

"When it's unnecessary, yes. Kathryn, you are one of the most strong and capable women I've met— and I'm a Bajoran. We're known for fierce women. At times, you remind me of my mother. More science, less politics and battle, of course, and a good bit younger, but you have a similar pagh—resilient, unflinching, and protective of your own. But even she allowed herself to be happy. It never changed who she is. If anything, marrying my father and raising us made her stronger."

She hesitated for a beat before she spoke. "Forgive me for saying this, but it didn't exactly work out for them."

"Is that what you're afraid of? A bad ending?"

"That is exactly why I cannot allow myself to pursue romantic relationships here. It could tear the crew apart. They deserve better from their captain."

I stroked my chin, debating how to proceed. "Most people don't realize this, but my parents are still together. Marnah no more left my father than she left any of us. When she went to Valo III, the Maquis had barely begun to form, let alone envelope the Bajoran Resistance. She went to help the refugees, not to make herself an enemy of the Federation. She always intended to return to us when her work was done. It broke her heart when Starfleet Intelligence put a warrant on her and cut off our communication. But my parents, well, they find ways around it, because they love each other.

"Few things are harder to cope with than the guilt of missed chances. If my parents taught me anything, it's that love is worth the risk. It's worth dropping everything to meet her at a starbase, just to tell her you'll do anything to be together. It's worth believing in, even when you're fighting on opposing sides of a rebellion." I smiled, and warmth flushed my cheeks. "It's worth pushing back against the orders of two captains, just to make the family whole again."

She smiled back, and a million emotions seemed to dance in her glassy eyes.

I paused. "It's worth risking some awkward moments with your first officer to at least admit to him how you feel, and maybe to find that you're not so alone in the Delta Quadrant as you might think."

With the past few months finally behind us, Harry and I went on a real date. When I got to the holodeck, Harry already had a program running—ruins of the Sutro Baths in Lands End National Park, San Francisco. I sat beside him on a blanket where we could watch the sunset over the ocean.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, planting a kiss on my temple.

"Great choice," I said. "I love this place."

"Me, too."

I rested my head against his shoulder as he stroked my hair, closing my eyes and forgetting that we were on the holodeck. A salty breeze blew in from the ocean as the tide ebbed and flowed against the shore. We sat in silence for several minutes, letting the peace of the moment heal our wounded souls.

Finally, he broke the silence. "I hear you're planning the Terran holiday party with Neelix."

"Yes, I am."

"I also heard we're not doing a gift exchange."

"Well, not all traditions do that. Besides, it would be quite a drain on replicator rations."

"Mm," was his only reply before he pulled out a small case with a red ribbon around it, and handed it to me.

"Harry—" I whispered.

He grinned and gestured for me to open it. Untying the ribbon, I opened the case to reveal a small, yellow data card inside.

"It's a holoprogram," he said. "It took a lot of research—sifting through the database, looking at schematics and photos. I still don't know how accurate it is, but I think it's pretty close."

"What's the program?"

"Midnight Mass at St. Mary's. I have holodeck one reserved for zero-hour on Christmas Day."

I couldn't speak. My mind emptied of words. All I had was overwhelming gratitude, but I didn't know how to express it. For generations, my family had been members of the historic St. Mary's Church just off base. That cathedral had been part of our heritage almost since the birth of Starfleet. Harry knew how much his gift would mean to me.

"I know it's pretty early, but, merry Christmas."

"How long have you been been working on this?" I asked.

"About two months."

Tears filled my eyes. "Why? I was so awful to you."

Harry cradled my face in his hands. "It wasn't your fault. You can be as awful as you want, and I'd still do anything to make you happy, because I—" He stopped short, likely remembering some advice from Tom not to use the word "love" with me.

He loved me.

I smiled through the tears sliding down my cheeks. "It's okay. You can say it. I won't run away."

He wiped my tears away. "I love you, Talia."

"I love you, too, Harry," I whispered, knowing for the first time that I, without a doubt, felt the exact same way.

With a tenderness that could only come from him, Harry pressed his lips to mine. Again and again he kissed me as if his words simply hadn't been enough. As if the last kiss, also, wasn't enough and he had to show me again what I meant to him.

And I kissed him back every time because nothing could ever be enough. This thing, this feeling inside of me... nothing could contain it.

As our kisses became more urgent, we shifted onto our knees. Pulling him close, I dragged my fingers around the waistband of his pants and fidgeted with the clasp.

Harry pulled back, dark eyes questioning. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "I want to be closer to you. I need to be close to you."

"So do I," he panted before taking my mouth again.

I tugged his shirt over his head, and he pulled my dress over mine. We never even stopped to take a breath, breathing in only each other. Getting awkwardly to our feet, we did away with the last of our clothes and finally saw each other completely for the first time.

The colors of the sunset splashed across his skin like paint, and he was the most beautiful canvas I'd ever seen. I grazed his muscled form with the tips of my fingers, overcome by the need to know him fully and intimately.

It was intoxicating.

The love we made that evening was more than I could ever put into words. Together, we stripped everything away until our bodies and souls became one. When it was over, we clung to one another for as long as we could, neither one wanting to separate from the other. We filled our mouths with bruising kisses, hungry tongues, and breathy whispers of "I love you" repeating over and over.

When he finally fell away from me, Harry murmured, "That was the most amazing thing. I didn't want it to end."

Suddenly, I realized I was standing on the edge of the real plunge. It wasn't having sex, or even making love, but offering up the deepest parts of my soul and laying it bare before him. It was utterly terrifying, but at that moment, I thought I could never want anything more than to jump in.

So, I smiled at him, kissed him deeply, and made a promise to us both. "It won't. I'm so in love with you that I can't, for the life of me, imagine why I would ever want this to end."

He pressed his forehead to mine. "Neither can I."