I DO NOT OWN FALLEN!

Two: Contemplate

The reason why I had no communication with Jack over the summer so often, was because I had thought that the dreams I'd been having might have been directed to him. No one had ever made such gestures to me like the boy in those dreams did as Jack had. I slowly began to think that that boy could have been him, and that maybe my feelings towards Jack could be branching out into something more.

Jack was a very open homosexual and didn't care what other people thought of him. He had actually came out to me about one week after we met. Of course, seeing a very tall broad shouldered guy that all the girls in school would be falling head over heels for, that was pretty much the last thing I would have expected from him. But in the end, Jack being gay had no change as to how I felt about him. He was a very good person and a really great friend who encouraged me into pursuing my passion for music even further.

I however, had never really given much thought as to what my own sexual orientation was, mainly because I had seen no point into one. People who really love each other don't focus specifically on gender. What they really do love about each other, is who they are as human beings. That, and because I had seen beauty in both genders, and didn't really understand the reason to dedicating yourself to just one of them.

I'd never really believed in love. I had seen many relationships die in real life that I'd begun to lose faith in it. Jack had even dated a guy named Richard last year, but broke up with him because of an incident with a girl. She was one year older than Richard, and Jack had seen both of them in the back seat of a car, that was probably broken into.

Although I had such mixed feelings about love, I had read so many books about it. How it works, how it doesn't work, how it falls apart, and how it repairs itself. But this. Being right here with Jack, feels as if it could be the closest thing to love I might ever be able to find in this life time.

I immediately wrap my arms around him in a tight embrace.

Because of how much taller he is than me, my arms reach right underneath his armpits and my forehead barely reaches to his chin. He's probably grown another inch over the summer, making him about 6 foot 3 inches.

I inhale his sent that I've become so accustomed to; the sweet essence of his aftershave and the spice of his cologne. He wears his regular black leather jacket over a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus band T-shirt, torn jeans, and black converse; a style that's become a trade mark for him. I seek the warmth that he's always seem to naturally give off whenever he would give me an embrace like this one. I can feel that the muscles in his chest and arms have gotten larger, meaning that he's probably had more time to go to the gym and put on more muscle weight. It begins to feel like I haven't had any of these mementos of him for an eternity. His very presence makes want more of him, to be completely intoxicated by the feeling of being this close to him, for him to feel the same way about me that I do.

Jack, as if having some sense in how I'm feeling, returns my embrace. His hold on me feels so strong and comforting that all my worries of whether or not he will love me back are deceased. The moment after he returns my embrace I finally speak.

"It's you."

"What do you mean?" he said, sounding a bit confused. "Of course It's me."

I looked up to him and see that he wears his usual warm smile. He'd also cut his light brown wavy hair in a more manageable style, when they would previously dance gracefully in the smallest breeze defying almost every law of gravity. Yet only more things I have missed seeing after all of these past couple of months.

"Guess you missed me a lot more than I had thought," he said.

"I'm really sorry," I said back to him, "There's just been a lot going on..." I slowly backed away, looking down at the stone tiles around the fountain.

"Hey," Jack said, bringing my face up to him with his index finger.

"It's okay, I'm just glad you're not mad at me or anything. You're not mad at me right?" He gives a small pout that's too hard not to smile at.

"No, no," I said to him convincingly.

"Good," he said while still smiling, and wraps his arms around me one more time.

"No love for me?" Lucie asked in a sad tone. I had completely forgotten that she was right behind me.

"Aww, Lucie," Jack said, while releasing me and stepping towards her, "I missed you too little Snow White." He brings her into a warm embrace like the one he'd given me, after I'd told him I wasn't mad at him. The one he had first given me I'd like to think of as special, one that he'd only ever give to me.

"You've grown your hair out," he said to her, lifting one of her dark waves that falls back down bellow her waist.

Before the summer, Lucie's hair had barely fell to her stomach region. Within just a few months it grew well over 4 inches longer.

"And you," Jack said, looking at me with an angry look in his eyes, "What happened to your beautiful wavy locks?"

"I cut them off, because they were annoying," I answered him.

"Awww," he said, looking down with a sad face. Then he steps back to me and runs his warm fingers gently through the top of my hair where it's longest. "I still like it," he says smiling at me.

Then he leaned his face closer to me and whispered in my ear. "Can we talk later, after school?"

I looked at him feeling a bit worried and nod. He probably wants to know the truth as to why I hardly communicated with him at all over summer. How exactly am I going to explain everything to him? I can't just tell him that I've been having really weird dreams since my seventeenth birthday about a boy and girl over and over again. And that it my feelings towards him are somehow becoming intensified.

Jack and I have always had a very close relationship. We were almost like brothers, and I had loved that feeling so much. When we would be watching TV on the couch at home , he would put his arm over my shoulder and let me rest my head against his chest. And when we would stay the night over at each other's house, he wouldn't mind sharing a bed and every morning I would wake up with an arm wrapped protectively around me. But this feeling that I have for him right now just feels so strong, that I can't help but wonder if maybe he will not feel the same way that I do for him.

"Have you seen Emily yet?" Lucie asked, breaking the silence and smiling at Jack. Emily had been Lucie's best friend since the second grade. They had shared so many things in common with one another that they eventually called themselves sisters. Seeing the two of them together, you would automatically assume that they were because of how familiar they'd be with one another.

"I thought I saw her walking here, she should be here soon," Jack responded.

A girl in a white dress walking inside the school gates catches my eyes. From this distance she had almost looked like a ghost, coming back to the place of her death and not being able to find peace. But as I had seen long bright golden hair carried in the wind I knew it was her.

"She's right over there," I said to Lucie, directing her to wear Emily was walking towards us.

A smile quickly formed on Lucie's face as she had run to Emily giving her a hug. I could see that Emily had also grown out her hair. Lucie and Emily both had waist-length wavy hair, but Lucie had hair dark as the night and Emily had hair bright as the day. I had barely noticed that they were wearing dresses with an identical style. Growing up, the two of them would pick out similar dresses and outfits to wear at school but they always kept a unique style to each other balancing one another. Almost like they were each others polar opposite.

They were both laughing as they broke from their hug and began walking towards us. Emily had went to Missouri over the entire summer to visit many of her relatives that she said she'd not seen in many years. Lucie had understood the importance in spending as much time with good family as possible, and didn't try to convince Emily to stay. Lucie was just that much of a good friend. We too had families to visit, but Emily had a very big and happy family where as to us who had only our grand parents, some aunts and uncles who were all still recovering from our loss, but still managing to find any source of happiness in our everyday lives.

"Hey Jackie, hey Luke," Emily said in her bright but calm voice. With the sun rays shinning brighter, her golden brown eyes are more lustrous and vibrant.

She walked up to me and Jack and gives both of us a hug. She smells of flowers and jasmine, probably from her shampoo. She and Lucie hated putting products in their hair and always had worn it naturally.

"Have Charlotte and Johnny gotten here yet," she asked.

"Who knows?" Jack said sarcastically, "They're always late, even on the first day of school."

"Right," Emily said laughing under her breath. "Well, do we have any plans after school?"

"Of course we do," Lucie said, stepping by Emily and locking her arm with Emily's. "You need to tell me all about your summer, it gets a little boring hanging out with so much testosterone," she looks at me and giggles. I give her a look.

"What?!" she said looking back at me, "Would it kill you to put on some deodorant once in a while?"

I laughed at her comment, which only makes Jack come cautiously close and sniff me.

"You smell like lavender" he said, giving me his warm smile.

Classes are only about 45 minutes long, and our lunch is a whole hour long. The classes as I had expected, are much easier and more manageable; meaning that this year will be a lot less stressful and that we can all spend much more time together. Freshman and Sophomore year were academic boot camps. Our school would put the most difficult and required courses first so that in our later years we would have more free time to enjoy life and start making college plans. None of us ever really talked about college that much. Savanah actually had a university that was just about a 10 minute drive from here. We all had assumed that we would be going there because it was closest to home and that the requirements were not really high to be qualified for entry.

At lunch, we had finally seen Charlotte and John for the first time in months.

Charlotte had dyed blue and purple highlights into her dirty blonde hair and had gotten a septum piercing. She wore torn jeans and an Evanescence T-shirt. Over the summer she and John had gone on tour all over Georgia with their band Rapture with which Charlotte sang lead vocals for. She had a very strong grunge voice, and had looked to artists like Avril Lavigne and Paramore for inspiration in her music. They're planning on persuing their music carrier with the band right after they graduate. When they found out that they had gotten accepted as for tour dates, they were so excited to go and break away from small gigs they would play near town. The band had even sold over 75,000 copies of their debut album all across the country, over 10,000 of which were sold in Georgia alone. John was the lead guitarist in the band with Charlotte, the other band mates Cole, Sam, and Beck had gone to another school more north of Georgia.

John had gotten a different look as well, like the rest of us. He had his dark brown hair that used to fall in his face cut into a fohawk that really suited him. He had gotten a lip piercing that complimented the 4 that he already had on each of his ears. He and Charlotte had always tried to convince me and Jack to get some, but we thought that piercings wouldn't really look good on the both of us. He had worn dark skinny jeans and a tight black V-neck that exposed his pectoral and bicep muscles that were almost as large as Jacks, from what I could feel from his embrace this morning.

When school had ended, Charlotte and John had made plans to rehearse in John's garage. They said they had written a couple new songs that they wanted to see would be good on their next album that would be released the following semester. Lucie and Emily decided that they would be going to the park and catch up on one another's story for their summer. Jack and I had planned on heading back to my apartment to hang out and, talk.

Jack and I had walked over to the student parking lot, we would be driving in his car to the few blocks back to my apartment. Mom had been saving up for a car for both me and Luce. She had realized that when we'd be off to college we would need our own way to get around town, and that we would want one car to ourselves. Jack had rolled down his window just a bit and let in a cool breeze as he drove. His light brown wavy hair still danced gracefully in the breeze.

"How's your mom been?" he asked.

"She's been alright," I said.

"How have you been?" he asked in a cautious tone.

"Okay," I tried to answer him.

"Okay," he repeated my answer, "Luke, is there something that you're not telling me? You know that you can tell me anything, right?" He looked at me, with a comforting smile.

"It's just..." I began, "I've been having very strange dreams lately," I said to him. He then looked at me again with a hige grin on his face, and one of his eyebrows raised. My face instantly turns red from how my answer probably sounded to him.

"NOT THOSE TYPES OF DREAMS!" I yelled at him, punching him in the arm. He immediately bursts out laughing, losing his breath in just a few seconds.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, finally catching his breath, "but the dreams? What type of dreams are they exactly?"

"Romantic, I guess," I answered.

"What, happens in them?"

"I see a boy and a girl, and they're in love. But the thing is, I've been dreaming about them multiple times. I looked up on the internet, and many people say that it's almost impossible to have the same dream twice. Lightning striking the same place again is more likely to happen than having the same dream."

We pulled up to the parking lot of my apartment, and he takes the keys out of the ignition.

"Explain more once we get inside," he said to me.

We walk into the building and go down the main hallway with dark carpeting on the floor. We reach the lobby and head towards the elevator and I press the button to the third floor. Before I know it, my heart begins to beat a little faster. I am about to confess what I think my dreams could mean, and that maybe they are related to how my feelings towards Jack have changed and become more intimate.

When we reach the third floor, we make the short walk five doors down from the elevator to my wing. I unlock the door with my key and we both walk inside, with me silently closing the door after Jack is inside. I take a seat on our couch that me and Jack have shared since Jr. High, he takes off his leather jacket and hangs it on the coat rack by the door. Seeing him his band T-shirt I can now see that in fact the muscles in his arms have gotten larger, his chest is more toned, and his shoulders are more broad. He takes a seat on the couch right next to me sitting very close, and puts his arm right over my shoulder.

"So, you were saying about the dreams," he said casually. I've forgotten right now that he's become so accustomed to this gesture, that it probably feels normal to him. I continue, being sure to be as explicit as possible.

"When the dreams end..." I began, "They all end ambiguously happy, and by that I don't really know what happens after that, I mean I know that the boy and girl are happy. But the main important part is that, when I'm dreaming... I see them through her eyes."

Jack looks more closely at me, but not as if I'm crazy. I knew that he would at least listen to me about the dreams. Now, to get to the really difficult part.

"And the boy..." I said, sounding as if I'm losing my breath, but really it's because of how fast my heart beat is. "When he makes all of these gestures towards me-her-, there's no one else I can think of who would make those kinds of gestures, other than you Jack."

His eyes widen a bit. That's when I choose to look away from him.

"What... What exactly are you saying?.." He asked softly, "Luke, please, look at me." He draws my face towards him with his hand softly against my cheek. That's when I use his one gesture to clarify my explanation. I pick up my hand and rest it atop his own, by doing that I can also feel how bigger his hand is than mine.

"This," I told him, "these loving gestures that you always make towards me, are just like the ones the boy in my dream makes to the girl." I pause, preparing myself for what I am about to say next.

"Jack..." I said, while exhaling a breath of life, "I think... that I have feelings for you."

"Lucian," he said, in an almost sad tone of discovery.

He is about to say another word, but before he can speak I cut him off with what I have to say next.

"This morning," I began quickly, to make sure that he knows everything, "when you hugged me from behind, when you placed your hand on my cheek, when you spoke my name. That's exactly what happened to the girl in another dream I had, last night. I know that all of this seems a little too crazy and out of the ordinary. But... this, is my way of telling you how much I love you now. And, I understand... If you do not feel the same way."

Jack slowly looked away. Immediately I was frightened as to how he will react after hearing all this. I'd just confessed my feelings to him and now he can't even look at me in the eye. The silence between us carries on too much that I begin to back away from him. I begin to rise from the couch to find any place that will make this moment less difficult than it already needs to be. But before I am half way off the couch, Jack gently grabs hold of my hand, and pulls me back on the couch in a tight embrace. In that moment, I had felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I didn't know exactly what to feel because of how Jack was holding me now. Joy? Fear? Regret? Confusion? Comfort? Love? He had been holding me as if I had been dying while holding my last breath, that he would try to keep safe inside of me. He leans away from me now breaking the embrace, but still keeping his hands on my shoulders. I can see now that his pure green eyes are brighter than ever, as every beautiful creature inside of them sings life into my own. He then slowly raises his hand and gently places it against my cheek. The same way he had done when I first saw him in the courtyard at school.

"Lucian," he said softly, but deeply. "I have always loved you. And I always will."

Am I dreaming?

Is Jack really saying these things to me?

What if this really is a dream, and I never woke up?

How do I know that this is real?

If this really was a dream, it would have ended right when Jack had said those first five words. But I am still here, in this moment with Jack's face just inches from mine.

The second I realize that this is not a dream, is when Jack slowly presses his soft and warm lips to my own.