"So I heard you found somebody else
And at first I thought it was a lie
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without
I don't want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You're intertwining your soul with somebody else
I'm looking through you while you're looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don't want your body
But I'm picturing your body with somebody else"
- Somebody Else by The 1975
After the surprise party it's pretty late, but Ruby and I still hang out at the now empty diner. We just want to spend as much time together as possible before I leave for New York again. We're best friends and hardly see each other anymore. I miss her so much.
I've often considered moving back to Storybrooke – to my parents and to Ruby. But I never did since every time I thought about it, Killian entered my every thought and I was worried about seeing him again and what that would do to my heart.
Now I know how it feels like to see him after all these years. Bad. Heartbroken. Empty. Lonely.
Suddenly I'm right back to reality because Ruby put her hand on my arm and looks at me with her worried gaze. She's probably been talking to me and I've ignored her because once again the only person I could think about was Killian.
Why can't my brain just forget about him? I totally moved on from him.
Ruby: "Hey, are you okay?"
Emma: "I'm fine."
She raises her eyebrow and that move seems all too familiar since it's something Killian did very often. It makes me miss him once again even though I have no right to miss him. I might still love him, but that doesn't change the fact, that I was the one who left.
Ruby: "You aren't okay, Emma. I only asked you because I wanted you to tell me what upsets you so much. Is it because of your little encounter with Killian?"
How does she do this? How does she always know exactly what I'm thinking about? I'm not that much of an open book, am I?
But anyway, Ruby might be right. I should talk to her about all this. Maybe she can help me figure out what the hell I'm going to do because I think, that I might be stupid enough to run away once again without letting anyone know the truth.
I hate my habit of running away whenever things get tough and I'm scared, but I just can't stop it. It's like a reflex you've learned as a toddler.
Emma: "You've caught me. It's about him."
Ruby: "Do I need to kill him for you?"
Right. She still thinks, that he hurt me and not the other way around.
Why did I lie to her again? It's so hard to lie to Ruby because I fell like I'm betraying her trust, which I guess I am. I don't want to feel this way though. I want to tell her the truth, but I just can't.
Emma: "It's nothing like that. It's just…seeing him again, it was weird. It just all felt so wrong."
Ruby: "I swear, if I would've known he'd show up here during the party, I would've stopped him beforehand. I promise."
I shake my head and manage to smile at her even though it's hard right now.
Emma: "I didn't mind seeing him Ruby. I promise."
Ruby: "Then why are you so upset, Emma? Is it because you still love him, while he moved on with Milah."
So that's his girlfriends name. She must be new in town since I can't remember anyone with that name. Or maybe she was just always unimportant, but that's less likely since she gets to date Killian, doesn't she? So, she must do something right.
Emma: "I moved on, too."
I didn't really move on, but Ruby doesn't need to know that. She'd only ask questions I'm not ready to answer.
Ruby: "Well, that's the problem, Emma. You pretend to be fine with everything, but you're not. You're still hurt, so clearly you haven't moved on."
I sigh and put my hand on my forehead.
Ruby touches my shoulder and gives it a light squeeze to let me know, she's always there for me. No matter what.
Emma: "I'm not hurt. I was just surprised about seeing him and realizing, that he's happy…with somebody else."
Ruby: "So, you're jealous?"
Emma: "No!"
Ruby glares at me and I realize, that I've probably answered that way too fast. No one would ever believe me, but that could also be because I'm the worst liar in the world, despite being a human lie detector.
Emma: "Maybe. I just…I never really pictured him moving on after I left. When I lived here it was always him and I, so it's weird that that changed, Ruby. I know we broke up a long time ago, but we haven't seen each other since then, so it always feels like yesterday to me."
Ruby: "Like you and him might still have a chance?"
Emma: "No. We're definitely over. I do still love him, but not the way where I'd like to be with him. He's my first love. It's hard to see him with somebody else and I doubt that'll ever change, but that doesn't mean I didn't move on from him. I did move on."
Ruby: "Okay. Whatever you say."
She doesn't believe me, but I don't care right now. I'm tired of talking about this, so I'm glad Ruby pretends to buy my story.
Emma: "So, let's talk a little about you. What have you been up too?"
Ruby: "Let's talk some more about you. Anything you want to know?"
There are some things I want to know – all concerning one issue of mine: Milah. But I shouldn't ask about her. Ruby would just interpret too much into that, like that I'm jealous of what her and Killian have, which I'm not.
But after half a minute of silence, I decide against my better judgement and ask Ruby anyway.
Emma: "What is she like? Milah?"
Ruby: "Okay, I guess. I don't really know her since the only contact I have with her is when she's eating at the diner with Killian."
Emma: "They do that a lot?"
Ruby: "Yes."
I already hate her.
Milah has no right to eat with him there. Granny's was mine and Killian's place. Everybody knows that. Most of our dates were there, except when we went to the Italian restaurant or out of town.
Emma: "So, if you don't know more about her, how does she look like?"
Ruby: "Pretty enough. Long and curly brown hair. She dresses weirdly like she believes all of us to be storybook characters."
I stop listening then since Ruby already proved to me, that Milah definitely isn't Killian's type. I'm his type and she's the complete opposite of me, so she must be wrong for him. Also, the whole storybook thing sounds insane. She could be dangerous, so I have a good excuse to hate her being with Killian.
I knew it wasn't jealousy. I just sensed, that she should live in an asylum. I was worried about his well-being, which makes me a good friend, doesn't it?
Ruby: "Emma? Are you still listening?"
Emma: "Sorry. I'm just distracted. It's been a long day. I should go home to my bed."
Ruby: "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow before you leave for New York."
Emma: "See you then."
I get up and hug her goodbye before leaving Granny's.
I know I said to Ruby, that I needed sleep, but actually I'm heading to Killian's house now. My best friend was right about me not having moved on from him. I want to move on, so I need closure and I think I'll get that when I'll finally tell Killian the truth about why I left. I owe that to the both of us.