You'd probably think I was psychotic (if you knew)
What I still got in my closet (sad but true)
Slip it on over my shoulders
Something I'll never get over
It makes me feel a little bit closer to you
I can't keep your love
I can't keep your kiss
Gave you everything and all I got was this
I'm still rocking your hoodie
And chewing on the strings
It makes me think about you
So I wear it when I sleep
I kept the broken zipper
And cigarette burns
Still rocking your hoodie
Baby, even though it hurts
Still rocking your
- Hoodie by Hey Violet
I've been back in New York after visiting my family and friends in my hometown for a week now. I usually don't see them that often, so it was very nice to be there. Except for the whole Killian drama, but I'll get over that. Eventually. Who cares if it might take me a few years? It's not like I'm in a happy relationship that I might screw up by still being in love with someone, who's going to get married soon. I don't do relationships anymore. Not since I left Storybrooke and my one shot at true love far behind ten years ago. Now one-nighters are as far as I ever go and that's totally fine for me. Being alone most of the time works just fine for me.
So, anyway, when the doorbell rang this morning, I never expected to open the door to Ruby. We just saw each other a week ago, so saying that I'm surprised about her visit is a big understatement.
Emma: "Ruby? What are you doing here?"
Ruby: "Granny said I didn't have to work this weekend, so I decided to visit my best friend. I missed you."
She hugs me and invites herself in since I'm still a little frozen in place due to this surprise. I'm slowly but surely beginning to worry. She wouldn't just drive four hours, if there wasn't a serious issue at home. What the hell happened back in Storybrooke? Is everyone okay?
Emma: "But we just saw each other last week. What happened back home? Is everything alright, Ruby? You're worrying me."
Ruby: "Well, to be honest I'm here because I'm worried about you. You were acting strange Sunday morning before you left, so I can only assume, that you went to Killian's after we hung out at Granny's."
How the hell does she know that? Am I that obviously dealing with the fact, that I had to witness him proposing to someone else right in front of me? I thought I was hiding it well! I mean I don't actually care that much. Sure, it hurt a little bit, but it's really fine.
Emma: "There's nothing for you to worry about. I'm fine."
Ruby glares at me and then her face drops to my sweater – or more accurately Killian's sweater. I hope she doesn't notice that it's his. I don't want her to know how pathetic I am – wearing the hoodie of my ex, whom I broke with ten years ago just because it makes me feel closer to him.
Ruby: "Yeah. I can see, that you're totally fine, Emma. So, do tell me, whose hoodie is that? It's obviously a man's hoodie and I don't recall you telling me about a boyfriend since you and Killian broke up ten years ago."
I groan and let myself fall back onto the couch, covering my face with my hands and sighing loudly.
Ruby: "Oh, so it is Killian's."
Emma: "Yeah."
Ruby then sits down on the couch next to me and hugs me tightly.
Ruby: "You never even moved on a little bit, have you?"
I shake my head, fighting the tears, that are threatening to stream down my face. I haven't really cried about Killian in years, but since last Saturday, it's all I do, when I think about him. I guess, that him proposing to Milah, made me realize for the first time, how much I actually did want to marry him one day. I never really thought, that we'd never get back together, but that seems to be the case now.
Ruby: "Why are you even doing this to yourself? Wearing his hoodie? You should've gotten rid of that years ago."
Emma: "I couldn't. I tried many times, but I just always stopped myself from throwing it away. I like to wear it from time to time, when I'm missing him more than on other days. I think, that keeping this was a way of keeping him in my life – at least part of him. It's all I still had of him, so I never had the heart to throw it away. Getting rid of it kind of meant letting him go completely and I'm not ready for that, Rubes. I don't think I'll ever be ready."
I then couldn't hold back my tears any longer and started sobbing into Ruby's embrace. She just kept sitting there, holding me tight without judging me, until eventually my crying stopped. She really is the best friend I could ever hope for and I'm glad I met her, when Mary Margret and David adopted me. In my childhood I never had a real friend, so I know, how I'd feel like right now, if Ruby wasn't here for me. And it's a feeling I don't ever want to feel again. It's too nice to have someone take care of you, when you're feeling down.
Emma: "Thanks. I really did need a good cry after everything that's happened."
Ruby: "What exactly did happen anyway? Was it something Killian and you talked about on Saturday?"
Emma: "We never talked on Saturday. I went there with the intention to talk to him, but he was busy, so I never rang the doorbell."
Ruby: "Then why were you so upset on Sunday?"
I guess it's time I finally tell Ruby the truth. She deserves my honesty for being such a great friend and if I'm being totally honest with myself, it's too hard to keep all these feelings bottled up in my chest any longer. I need to share everything with someone, otherwise I might actually go insane.
Emma: "When I went to see him on Saturday, he was with Milah and he proposed to her. It felt awful to watch it even though I can't blame him for seeking happiness with her. He deserves that after everything that's happened and I'm in no position to judge him or feel jealous or anything. I should've just been happy for him in that moment, but I couldn't. It did break me more than it should've."
Ruby puts her arm back around me.
Ruby: "OMG. I'm so sorry, Ems. I'm going to murder him for this! How could he just propose to her in plain sight, when he knew you were in town."
Emma: "Please don't, Ruby. It's fine. He has any right to hurt me. It's not like I spared his feelings ten years ago."
Ruby looks at me with a confused glance and she puts her head to the side a little, signalizing me to spill it out. This isn't going to be easy since she's going to feel like I lied to her all this time, but technically I didn't. I never said, that he broke my heart, I just told her, that we broke up and that I'm leaving Storybrooke.
Emma: "I never told you the whole story and I'm sorry about it, but I was scared – scared that anyone would try to change my mind about everything. I couldn't risk that, so I never told anyone, what happened between me and Killian. Do you remember the day we broke up?"
Ruby nodded.
Ruby: "Yeah. You had a date on his ship. He picked up some food from Granny's before you guys left, and he seemed very excited. So, did you when I helped you pick an outfit for the date. I never really comprehended how you suddenly broke up just a few hours later. But I guess I'm about to."
I took a deep breath. Having to relive the story of out break-up for the second time in a week isn't easy. Sometimes I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget all about it.
Emma: "Well, the date as it turned out was pretty special. He proposed to me."
A single tear streams down my face and I'm sure there are soon going to be even more as soon as I finish this story.
Emma: "And that freaked me out, so I said no, broke up with him and told him, that I'm going to leave Storybrooke. So, you might've thought for years that he was the villain in our story, but he wasn't. He was a great boyfriend. He even tried to stop me from leaving, but obviously I didn't listen. I was the villain in that little drama. I broke his heart into a million pieces and my own heart with it in the process."
Ruby: "But you were so happy, Emma. Why didn't you just say, that you weren't ready to get married?"
Emma: "I don't know. Probably because he mentioned losing Liam during his proposal and that made me realize, that people always leave even if they don't intend to leave you. I didn't want to end up with a broken heart, so I thought that it was easier to break his. But as it turned out I was wrong. I just made both of us miserable."
Ruby: "You were so scared of losing him, that you pushed him away."
Exactly.
Ruby stares at the walls opposite of us, clearly lost in her thoughts. Then her eyes suddenly lit up and she quickly got my laptop from the coffee table. She started it.
Emma: "What are you doing?"
Ruby: "Getting you a plane ticket. You have to go to Storybrooke now and tell Killian, that you still love him."
Emma: "He's happy with Milah. He doesn't need me confusing him. We'd never work out anyway because I'd eventually get scared once again and break his heart. He deserves someone who isn't unfixable like me."
Ruby: "Emma, you're not unfixable. Being scared once in a while is totally alright. It's human and so is making mistakes. You both love each other more than he could ever love Milah. Hell, he proposed to her at his house and is rushing into their small, unmeaningful wedding, while his proposal to you was much more romantic. I mean he took you out on his ship, which is more his home than the house he's living in ever could be. Also, you weren't in Storybrooke the last ten years, watching him be miserable. He still loves you, so please don't screw this up again, Emma. This is your last chance to be happy with him."
Emma: "I don't know, Ruby. I can't just go to him after everything that's happened and tell him how big a mistake I made. Let me think about it and maybe talk to him the next time I'm in Storybrooke."
Ruby grabs my arms to make me look her straight in the eyes. She has a serious look in her own.
Ruby: "You don't have time for that, Emma. He's getting married in a few hours."
Emma: "What? Are you sure? They only got engaged last week."
Ruby: "Yeah. Unfortunately, I am sure. They are having a very small ceremony at Granny's, so they didn't need any time for preparations. Why do you think I'm here? I thought, that you might know about the wedding and I felt like you shouldn't be alone on a day like today."
So, this is really it! If I don't leave now, I'm losing Killian forever.