Notes: Hope you guys are ready for some angst bc that's what I'm servin up this week. I wrote this during the summer when I felt shitty about myself, and then the Mindful Education episode of Steven Universe came out later that week, and... yeah I used this to vent a lot haha. But anyhoo have fun kiddos
Scourge lay in bed. It was the middle of the day, bright summer sunlight shining in through his windows. But he lay there on his side, his head under his pillow to try and block out the light. Normally when he assumed this position, it was because he'd been out late the night before, either taking out Eggman's robots or hanging out at the bar a couple blocks away. Today though, he wasn't tired or drunk. He was sad.
Nothing bad had happened. He didn't remember how his mind had gotten on this track, but he just woke up that morning and started thinking about everything that made him miserable. His dad. His breakup with Fiona. The lives he ruined without giving them a second thought. He'd made it halfway through breakfast before a deep guilt had settled itself like a brick in his stomach. The remnants of his toaster waffle still sat on the small kitchen table, mushy from prolonged exposure to syrup. The hedgehog left it as he slumped back to his room, feeling like it would just be "one of those days."
He tugged the pillow down tighter over his face, blocking out more of the light. It was burning his tired eyes, and doing nothing but remind him that he should get up and do something productive. Do something to get your mind off this crap. Do something that'll help make up for all the shit you've done. But he couldn't bring himself to move, his body feeling like it was collapsing into itself, like his gut was a black hole and he was getting sucked in. Everything just seemed to curl inwards, the green hedgehog lying fetally in his bed.
I killed my dad. Took a gun to his fucking head and ended his life. I was eleven. Who does that? How could that ever be okay? How could anyone ever forgive me for that…? Not to mention… All the other people I hurt trying to prove myself, trying to make a name for myself… or just for fun… How many people did I hurt? How many did I… did I kill? How many people hate me, how many don't give a shit that I helped save the multiverse? How much fucking blood is on my hands?
His face grew hot, and tears started to well up in his eyes. He buried his face in his mattress, the ache in his stomach growing to include a light pounding in his temples. There was a tickle in the back of his throat that he tried to ignore.
But it's all different now, right? he told himself. I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to help… No, that doesn't change a damn thing about the past. It doesn't change that I hurt people, and I fucking liked it. That might just be the worst part, that I liked it, that I was proud of it… God dammit, I was fucking proud of it…
He felt something wet slide out of his eye, sliding across his face until it dripped onto the mattress. Great, now his sheets would have tear stains. Whatever. He could deal with that once he was done grieving, and hating himself. This tended to happen every so often, especially since he'd begun living on Mobius. It was hard not to think about the horrible things he'd done, since 95% of his life, he'd been evil. He'd accumulated a lot of baggage from that. And there was nothing to do about it except to lie there, still, hating himself and the things he'd done. Not feeling like he deserved to be free. Not believing that anyone actually liked him. They're all lying to me. How could anyone give a shit about me? How could anyone think that letting me out of prison was a good idea? They're just toying with me, as soon as they get tired of me they're gonna throw me back in there, throw me aside just like everyone else did… and then I'm going to get mad and hurt them, since that's all I'm fuckin' good for… Why the hell did I ever think a monster like me could be a hero…?
I killed my dad. I tried to kill Sonic. I tried to kill Tails, and Z, and all their friends, at some point. All my friends. I tried to take over Mobius, to destroy Mobius. I tried to destroy No Zone, or at the very least, Zonic's city. If I'd had my way back then, the multiverse would be in ruins. How the hell could I have wanted that…? Did I just want to be respected that fuckin' badly…?
He laid there for a while, not moving. His gut was heavy, his limbs had gone somewhat numb and tingly from sitting still, and the occasional tear leaked out of his eyes, leaving dark stains on his sheets where his head lay. He vaguely noticed that the light coming in from his window was slightly dimmer now, and slightly more orange. The sun was setting. He'd spent the whole day feeling like garbage, which of course, only made him feel worse. Can't do anything but feel sorry for yourself, useless fuckin'-
His masochistic train of thought was interrupted suddenly by a knock at his window. That being the last place he'd expect a knock to come from, he shot up, the pillow that covered his head landing at the foot of the bed. He turned to face the window, his head pounding with the sudden movement and light, and his face still stained with sideways tear tracks. Hovering outside was none other than Tails, holding a communicator in his hand and looking slightly worried.
Scourge sputtered, frantically wiping at his face. He had not expected to see Tails of all people, and the surprise just made him feel inexplicably more upset. Nonetheless, he climbed out of bed and shoved the window open, only stumbling once over his sleepy limbs.
"I've been trying to call you all day, but you didn't pick up. I got worried," the fox quickly explained once he saw Scourge's miserable expression. "What's wrong? You okay?" he asked, landing on the windowsill. The hedgehog said nothing. He let Tails come into the room, and then closed the window behind him. His head was still swimming and his limbs still felt numb, so he dropped back onto his bed.
Tails smiled sympathetically, not knowing what was wrong, but getting the feeling that the hedgehog wasn't opposed to his presence. He gently sat down on the bed next to him, getting a good look at Scourge's tear-stained face and sheets. The Moebian's quills were more disheveled than usual, and it looked like he'd been laying here for quite a while. He was clearly upset about something, but… when it came to Scourge, there were a number of things he could be upset about. It probably wouldn't do much good to guess. Tails patted him on the arm. "Well, I was going to ask if you wanted to come to this party tonight, Sonic's DJing at a warehouse on the edge of town. But it looks like you're not feelin' so great."
The hedgehog moaned in confirmation, burying his face in his bed.
"What's the matter? Is there anything I can do?" Tails asked, to which Scourge didn't reply. "Hrm. Well, have you eaten today? You might feel better if you eat something."
"I'm not sick, T."
"That wasn't my question. Did you eat today?"
"Like… half a waffle. Probably hours ago," Scourge muttered, not even looking at the fox sitting next to him.
"You want something to eat? You should at least drink something."
"Why do you care?" the hedgehog spat, turning his head so he wasn't speaking directly into his bed.
Tails seemed somewhat taken aback, though more surprised than offended. "What do you mean?"
"I'm a good fer nothin' piece 'a shit is what I mean," Scourge said, his voice sounding wet and heavy. "Oh, it's Scourge, why the fuck should anyone care about him? He's just a worse version of Sonic, all he does is run around and ruin people's lives! What an asshole, am I right?"
"Wha… What gave you that idea? Did someone say that to you?" the fox said, donning the 'protective older brother' face that he'd seen Sonic use so many times before.
"S'what everyone thinks," the hedgehog said, dumping his head back into his mattress. "S'what I think."
"Not everyone thinks that," Tails sighed, his voice quiet. He frowned, not enjoying seeing his friend so miserable. He was used to the green hedgehog being mischievous, loud, crude, snarky. He didn't usually see Scourge when he was upset, and never quite like this. "You're one of my best friends. I don't think you're good for nothing, or a worse version of Sonic, okay? Anybody who thinks that can shove it."
"Guess I gotta shove it thennn…"
"I didn't mean you." The fox cracked a smile, giving Scourge a little push on the shoulder.
"I'm shovin' it, T… Shovin' it right up my aaaaaaassssss….." Scourge rolled so his butt landed in Tails's lap, making the fox laugh.
"Aaand there's the Scourge we all know and love," the vulpine chuckled. Scourge exhaled out his nose short and quick, a small laugh, but he wasn't smiling. Just covering up with jokes. He still refused to look in Tails's direction. "Aw, c'mon man, talk to me. I wanna help."
"Can't."
"You can't talk, or I can't help?"
"You can't help. Unless you can make a machine that'll make me stop hating myself."
"They have those. They're called therapists."
"I ain't goin' to talk to a fuckin' shrink, Tails."
"So talk to me, then. Even if I can't help, I still want to listen." Tails waited for a reply, pouting when Scourge didn't give him one. "Don't make me come down there. I'll lie down on top of you. Can't ignore me if I lie down on top of you." The green hedgehog didn't respond. After a few moments, Tails shrugged. "Don't say I didn't warn you," he said, climbing on top of the green one and smooshing him down into the bed. Scourge, who was lying on his side, was not particularly comfortable with the new arrangement.
"Tails, get off," he grumbled, unmoving. He didn't think struggling would do too much good; his body was too lethargic at the moment, and Tails was taller than he was. Not to mention, the fox had two more usable appendages than he had at his disposal.
"I'll get off when you tell me why you're in such a funk today." Tails's cheek was pressed into the hedgehog's upper arm, so his words were coming out a little bit slurred.
"I'm in a funk because I'm a piece of shit and I hate myself. Okay now get off," Scourge groaned.
"Nuh-uh, elaborate."
"You never said I had to elaborate."
"It was implied. If you don't like it, you can always try to get up anyway."
Scourge struggled for about ten seconds before coming to the conclusion that Tails had him pretty solidly pinned. He could get out, but that would involve potentially throwing Tails through the window, which he didn't want to do. "Yeah that's not happening," he huffed. "You win. I hate myself because I'm a big piece of shit and I'm in a funk. Happy?"
"Scourge-"
"Look, I can't live with all the shit I did before! Alright?!" he burst, causing Tails to get up. "I hurt people, killed my dad, potentially a bunch of other people, I ruined Chaos knows how many people's lives, and I was goddamn proud of it! An' all the fuckin' guilt decided to just suckerpunch me in the gut today so I've been lyin' here like a goddamn sad sack just thinkin' about it, and thinkin' about it makes it worse! I just been' sittin' here just thinkin' about how I'm a fuckin' monster who doesn't deserve a home or friends or nothin' an' I feel like I wanna claw my goddamn heart out!" His hands grabbed desperately at his chest and stomach, tears threatening to leak from his eyes again.
Tails sat back up, his face plagued with worry. "Oh, Chaos…" he murmured as Scourge gathered his breath. The hedgehog pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, not wanting to get physically trapped like that again. He wiped at his eyes, keeping his arms tucked in tight to his body.
"I can't fuckin' forgive myself," he half-said half-chuckled, but since he was so upset, the laughing sounded more like sobbing. "Everyone else can, but I can't! I've been here, how long now? And I still can't get the fuck over it and get on with my life. So every once in a while, I'm just like, oop! Time to wallow in misery for a day or two! Because guess what, you killed people! Hooray, great! Fan-fucking-tastic!"
"Scourge," the fox said gently, attempting to calm down the teary-eyed hedgehog. "Calm down, okay? Just take a few breaths, real slow." When Scourge didn't do as he asked, he added a "please?" which seemed to work. The hedgehog had his head tilted down, taking shuddery breaths that were as long as he could manage. Tails scooted closer to him and wrapped his arms around him, squeezing tight. "I'm sorry," he said, letting Scourge's head nestle into his shoulder. "It's okay to feel guilty, it's okay to feel bad about it. Just breathe. And just… remember that… you have friends who are here for you, and who wanna help you, and who are really proud of you."
The moebian tensed up, quills bristling. "How the hell could you people be proud'a me? Everything I did…"
"Yeah, but now you're trying to fix what you did. And I mean… it's like they say, everyone's got good and bad inside of them. What matters is the one you choose to act on. Y'know? You weren't the greatest person in the past, but you're trying your best now. It's all anyone could ask of you, so don't be so hard on yourself."
Scourge said nothing, but his muscles loosened a bit as he sunk a little more into Tails's arms. He made a noise that sounded vaguely like "thanks," and limply returned the hug. After a few moments, he found himself able to take deeper breaths. What he hoped were the last couple of tears slid out of the corners of his eyes, and his shoulders fully dropped. He took one more long, slow breath, and held onto Tails a little more tightly.
"Better?" Tails asked, once it seemed like Scourge had calmed down.
"Mm," the hedgehog breathed quietly, pulling himself away. "...Thanks, T. I needed that. I was… kinda just in a really shitty negative cycle all day, I guess…"
"That's okay! It's important to think about stuff like this, not just... bottle it up, and never acknowledge it," the fox smiled, the image of another certain hedgehog popping into his mind. Surprisingly, from Tails's experience, it was easier to get Scourge to open up about negative emotions than it was his more heroic counterpart. "If you bottle it all up and never think about it, it'll just get worse and worse. You'll never feel better about it."
Scourge chuckled softly, crossing his legs. "When'd you get so smart about this stuff, kid?"
"Well… I've been savin' the world alongside Sonic for most of my life, and it hasn't always been smooth sailing. And you know Sonic. He never likes to think about the past, which can be a good thing and a bad thing," he sighed, twiddling his fingers in his lap. "I still get the feeling that he feels guilty about what Chaos did to Station Square… It's not easy to notice, but he's really good at avoiding stuff like that."
"Heh, yeah. Meanwhile, I'm a damn crybaby who can get upset at the drop of a hat. Opposites," he shook his head and smirked.
"What? Nah, I wouldn't call you a crybaby!"
"Please. I'm a happy-crier, a sad-crier, and an angry-crier." Scourge wiped at his eyes as if to prove his point. "Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure Sonic and Z don't cry, like, at all. I'm the fuckin' sensitive one of this boy band," he laughed.
Tails's ears perked up. "Oh, speaking of band," he said, holding up his communicator. "The party's Sonic's DJing... "
Scourge sighed, rubbing his bare arms. "Yeah, definitely not feeling up for that."
"Didn't think so. No worries, there'll be more gigs. He got a bunch of new records recently, he's been itching to try them all out…." the fox said absentmindedly as he shot Sonic a text. "You wanna play some Monster Truck Madness? I know you've got it here."
The hedgehog's eyes widened. "But… I thought you were goin' to that party?"
"There'll be others," Tails shrugged simply. "'Sides, I'm more in the mood for staying in tonight."
Scourge got the thinly-veiled message. Do you want me to stay here with you for a while? He thought about it for a few seconds before nodding. "Yeah, we can game. Chaos knows I could use a distraction right about now."
"Cool. Wanna order a pizza?"
"With a side of garlic knots."
"On it."
The two spent most of the rest of the evening eating warm food and playing their game, which Tails was kind enough to let Scourge win exactly one time. The hedgehog didn't mind. He welcomed the companionship, particularly on a day he'd thought he'd spend completely alone and miserable. He knew the guilt he'd been feeling wasn't gone, not by a long shot. There'd be more days of waking up and just feeling that crushing weight on his chest. But hopefully… they'd be easier to manage now. He was trying his best. After all, it was all anyone could ask of him.
Notes: Thanks for reading! Please don't forget to leave a review if you liked this chapter :)
If you're interested in seeing more of my writing (and the writing of some of my very very talented friends), please check out SylvaniaSchoolofMagic on Tumblr, and now SylvaniaMagicSchool on deviantArt! I'm sure we'll drag that story to FFN and/or AO3 at some point, but the best place to experience it is on tumblr, given the multi-media approach we're taking to it. Please please please go check out that story, we've been getting some very kind feedback on it but it's really not a lot for all the work we put into it. All we want is for it to reach more people and for it to get a few more comments. So if you've been searching for something new to read, I highly recommend it.
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