Tony paced relentlessly back and forth across the floor of his workshop, he was a nervous wreck: eyes darting, heart constricting, sweat-stains growing. He had gone down there around midnight when it had been clear that his mind would not allow him to sleep. Tony had thought that if he were tinkering with something he would be less inclined to think about every possible thing that could go wrong when the so-called "team" moved into the tower that morning.
Despite his racing heart, Tony was thoroughly exhausted. It took a lot of effort to fend off his own minds relentless attacks. His thoughts were his worst enemy, trapping him in the horrors of his life. Tony had still yet to decide if it was better to not sleep at all, or sleep with nightmare plagued dreams.
Howard, Obie, the Chitauri. Steve. He silently cursed himself for adding Steve's name to the list. But no matter how hard he tried to forgive Steve, no matter how much he wanted to mend their rocky friendship, his mind could not reconcile with his heart. You can't have him so stop longing.
Because that was what destroyed you in the end: the longing for something you could never have.
Tony's pacing and bottomless thoughts came to a stop when he caught his reflection in the window. He was staring into the face of a stranger. Though his weight loss and pale complexion were shocking, his eyes were the scariest part. Once alive with a mischievous glint, the fire inside them was no longer alight. They had dulled from bright reflections of hope into wistful echoes of everything he had done wrong.
The last few months had been particularly rough on him: Pepper had left. She hadn't been able to deal with Iron Man's frequent close-calls. Apparently his "self-destructive tendencies" were not healthy for a relationship. So he had lost the one person he had learned to open up to, and, maybe even more damaging, the one person that had regularly reminded him to eat and sleep. Two things he did rarely these days.
He only really had Rhodey left, and he was always on tour with the military. Tony winced. Every time Tony thought of Rhodey he was reminded of the near fatal accident that had left him having to learn how to walk again. It was something he would never forget, how he had almost gotten his best friend killed.
Tony tore his gaze away. "Pathetic" he spit out with venom.
In the night, Tony's loneliness crushed him, as if the sky itself had swooped down to smother him in its cold arms. Overwhelming loss seemed to follow Tony, and it had left him empty—a shell of someone who used to be. But beneath it all, Tony was a survivor, and he would never shatter completely, no matter how many cracks he collected.
He resumed his pacing.
Pepper, Jarvis, Steve—he had lost everyone he had needed the most in one way or another, and there was no way of getting any of them back. And though he wasn't sure that he had ever had Steve to begin with, he had wanted to—oh, how he had wanted to.
As the morning crept on, the sun cast a pale glow into the workshop. Tony cursed at it. The light meant that he was getting closer and closer to having to slap on his billionaire-playboy façade for the benefit of others.
He checked his watch; 30 minutes until their arrival. My watch!A rare smile flickered across his face.
Tony had an idea.
"Friday where did I put the Iron Man watch gauntlet?"
"I believe you threw it in an incinerator after it was damaged beyond repair, Boss."
"Lovely" Tony muttered as he hastily pulled up the schematics. He glanced at a computer, 20 minutes until they arrived; probably not enough time to make the watch. But it was only 20 minutes until Stevearrived, and Tony desperately needed some form of protection—some way that he wouldn't feel powerless in front of Steve.
So Tony lied to himself: "I've still got time.
Precisely 20 minutes later—because Steve prided himself on being punctual—he stepped out of the elevator and onto the common room floor with Nat and Clint. Friday had let them in per Tony's request. He hadn't wanted to keep the Captain waiting.
Steve looked around longingly. It was certainly a familiar space to all three of them. A place where they had shared laughs and drinks in a happier time when they had all been friends. Now, the space was empty and nothing was simple; the room weighed heavily on Steve.
Like a blanket made of iron.
"No Tony" observed Clint, who had already made himself comfortable, pouring himself a drink behind the bar.
"I'm not surprised." Steve scowled and shook his head. Of course he wouldn't give us a second of his precious time. Steve felt a harsh gaze drill into him, and he looked around to see Natasha staring at him disapprovingly, as if she could hear his condescending thoughts.
Still staring into Steve's soul, she spoke to Clint. "You'd better pour me a tall one, this is going to be a long day."
Seconds later Tony burst into the room, "I'm here! I'm here!" he exclaimed. "Sorry I'm late for the family reunion, I got caught up in the shop." Tony absent-mindedly fiddled with his freshly made watch. It was the only thing keeping him grounded in the moment, serving as reassurance that if Steve decided to attack him, he wouldn't be completely helpless.
Steve eyes followed Tony perceptively as the mechanic walked all the way around the room to where Clint had just placed Nat's drink. "For me, Hawk? You shouldn't have!" His words dripped with ease and arrogance. "But since you are all technically my guests, I guess I'll be nice and share with Nat." He winked at her and slid the glass her way, no one the wiser that Tony had actually given up drinking in an attempt to fix himself.
Tony clapped Clint on the back and folded him into a hug. Soon they broke into laughter at something one of them whispered to the other, and it took them quite some time to regain any sense of composure. While Nat just laughed, Steve's eyes narrowed at the embrace.Why can't it be that easy for us?
Tony then made his way to over Nat. "Nice to see you again, Natalia." He gave her another wink and a quick kiss on the cheek. Yet behind the lighthearted gesture Steve noticed something else flicker between them. It was as if they both had some understanding of the present situation that no one else did.
Steve couldn't deny the pang of jealousy that hit him when he realized that he would get no warm embrace or kiss. Why are you surprised? He won't even make eye contact with you. The two stubborn men had rarely gotten along before, but it was like Tony was afraid of interacting with the soldier. It had been the same at the meeting with Fury the other day: Tony had acted like Steve wasn't even there.
Well, if Tony wouldn't start talking to Steve, he would start talking to Tony, "Thanks for letting us stay here, Stark" he tried. Come on Steve…why do you sound like you're talking to a stranger?
"I – I mean we— we all missed this place." Steve inwardly groaned at his awkwardness, but he offered up a tentative smile, trying to get one in return from Tony.
Yet all he got was a quick glance and nod from Tony before the man let his eyes drop. Steve's own eyes followed in disappointment and landed on the watch that Tony was now fixated on. He was probably trying to show off a new invention.
"No problem, Cap." Tony's voice was distant. The room was plunged into a cold silence that felt like a living thing.
Shattering the silence, Clint clapped his hands and exclaimed: "Well this has been fun, but I've got better things to do!" And with that, the archer hopped onto the counter, shimmied up the wall, and disappeared into the vents that Tony had designed specifically for him.
The whole room felt lighter, everyone grateful for the change of focus.
Tony looked to Nat, "Each of your own floors are pretty much how you left them. I may have made a few changes and updates here and there." He looked around nervously and quickly added, "but if you don't like them I can fix it."
Nat scoffed, "I'm sure whatever you did is great Tony." She gave him a quick nod and told him, "I spoke with Banner and Thor about Fury's orders, but their recovering from some type of game so they won't be here for a while."
Tony was intrigued, but he needed to escape the room that seemed to be growing smaller and smaller with each passing moment, so he just nodded and disappeared down the stairs.
Steve looked longingly after the other man's disappearing figure. "He can barely look me in the eye, Nat." Steve's shoulders drooped and he walked to the window, gazing out at the vast city before him.
Nat walked over to him and placed a delicate hand on his shoulder; she stayed silent, letting him bounce his thoughts off of her.
"I think he actually walked around the entire room to get to Clint so that he could avoid walking by me." They stood in silence, Steve surrounded by his own thoughts and desires.
Natasha's question cut through his fog with an assassin's precision: "What do you truly know about the guy?" Steve opened his mouth, but before he could get a word in Nat cut him off, "Besides the fact that he can be an arrogant ass sometimes."
Steve paused, caught off guard. It was a long time before he replied again. "I know that I loved him. And now he is gone."
Nat just shook her head at the past tense, Steve could be just as oblivious to his own feelings as Tony could. "Tony's stronger than you think—he is stronger than hethinks. But sometimes loneness is a choice." She paused, letting her wise words sink in. "You just have to convince him to choose otherwise." And with that she slinked out of the room, leaving Steve to his thoughts.