Begin Again.

He was falling for the 8th time. Or was it the 15th? 25th? He had lost count of how many times he had tumbled down from the same cliff. Arthur's voice was in his head telling him not to close his eyes over and over and over again. When the water hit his face and shoulders, this time no rocks, the cold shock registered in his mind with sharp terror and he choked on a lungful of saltwater as he went under. It burned inside as a new current hit his body and threw him down deeper. He was rolled down like a rag doll, back, forward, deeper. Colder.

His body jerked upright.

'Merlin!'

His next breath came in too fast, too smooth and light, and he struggled to ease the hyperventilation. The gasping slowed down as he recognised the voice and blinked several times. The soft-solid water around his body moved up gently, the walls pulled themselves up to form a room in a manner of seconds, and the dim light shone down from the fluorescent tube above him.

'You're in the hospital, Merlin,' the voice said. He followed it and turned his head to see an old man. His arms began to shake and he rested back down into the soft-solid.

'Hospital,' he repeated, voice raspy as it filled his mouth with strange noise. He studied the old man's face. 'I don't- I'm Merlin?'

'Yes. Merlin Emrys,' the man agreed. 'You were stabbed. You had to undergo an operation and blood transfusions. Merlin, I-'

'What happened to me after?'

'There was some kind of infection and your kidneys failed under the stress. You went into renal failure and toxins spread throughout your body. We suspect they reached your brain, and the transfusions helped, but you fell into a coma. You've been comatose since the 8th of August. Today is Tuesday the 29th of November. It's 2 a.m. and you're in-'

'St Thomas' Hospital.'

'Yes. You know who I am?'

Merlin knew it was important that he did and a bubble of panic built itself up inside his chest. He turned his head and looked out the window. All he could make out was the night and a few clouds visible with their lighter blue hue. They grew darker, thicker, and then the night air did too.

'There's a storm,' he said.

'There wasn't a second ago,' the man remarked with surprise. Merlin ran his hands over the blanket, experienced the sensation of the smooth fabric, noticed the tube stuck into the back of his hand. Something clicked and he heard a small gasp. They both looked at the nurse in the doorway.

'You're awake,' she breathed, stared wide-eyed for several seconds, then darted out of view calling for someone. Merlin frowned and lifted up the hand with the tube, palm facing up. Glassy liquid pooled in it before it spread out into a smooth reflective oval.

The old man leapt out of the seat, ran to the door and slammed it shut. 'Merlin, you can't just use magic in a public place like this!'

He ignored the scolding and stared at the man in his palm mirror. Blue eyes, dark circles beneath them, pale complexion dotted with dark stubble. Hair that seemed longer than it should be, a fringe now wavily touching his eyebrows, and deep hollows in his cheeks. Merlin twitched his forefinger and the liquid burned itself up from the bottom, dripping onto his skin like hot oil. He hissed at the pain but let it drip and burn until it had melted away. Dropping his arm back down he realised how numb his whole body felt. He could twitch his toes, and shifted his knees a little, but the weakness in the absent muscle was unfamiliar.

'Three months and three weeks,' he said. 'That's how long I've been out?'

'Yes.'

There was a distant clap of thunder and Merlin looked back out the window at the night sky. 'Where's Arthur?'

'He's okay, thanks to you. You saved him.'

He recognised the sentiment, saving his life, from Camelot and in the present world. There was something even fresher though, sat on his tongue, but he couldn't clearly see what it was. It tasted bitter. He just remembered the heat and the shape with glowing eyes.

'Saved him from the shadow and fire?' Merlin asked the man, hoping for clarification.

'From the men Aredian sent. What shadow and fire?' he said. His gentle voice had turned softer with a change in mood Merlin couldn't figure out. Aredian a.k.a the Witch hunter. His threat remained in his head. It sat inside him, formless and haunting with a sense of suffocation. 'Oh, it doesn't matter. You remember Arthur, at least, which is good news.'

Merlin blinked, breathed in with a deep rumbling from the clouds, and focused back on the man. 'I was stabbed not bludgeoned. Of course I remember Arthur.'

'Yes, it's just the doctors couldn't find any medical explanation for your condition. The initial infection I mean, and the lack of response to any treatments once you entered the coma. For why you wouldn't wake up. I believe they had just started discussing options if your condition didn't improve in the next month.'

'Options?'

'They didn't think you were ever going to wake up, my boy. Thank the gods you did.'

He nodded along, remembering the walls that had struck up around him, the way the cliffside with Morgana had rotted away into a stone labyrinth. The way the sea was swallowed up by roots and vines and the sky became erratic, grey with rain, or snow, or that unbearable silence. The dragon that flew over. That's where he'd been.

'I was lost.'

'You were lost?'

When he tried to clearly picture the place again it swept back out of his reach. Stone, water, grass sometimes. The air had been cold, hadn't it? His head ached and he could only recognise the feelings, the fear, he'd felt. 'Yeah.'

'How did you find your way back again?'

Back from what? Merlin frowned at the question. How had he come out of the coma?

'I opened my eyes,' he replied.

'Merlin,' a new voice said and he saw a doctor walking in. 'How are you feeling?'

The rain against the window caught his attention. 'Strange.'

'To be expected. I'm just going to ask you a few questions, is that all right?'

The old man took his hand, squeezed it, and Merlin resisted the urge to pull back. It was comforting in a way, but he didn't know why the man would do it.

'Yeah, ask away,' he told him.

'Let's start with the basics, shall we?' the doctor began and came to stand at the end of the bed. 'What's your full name?'

'Merlin Emrys. No middle name.'

She scribbled something down onto a clipboard. 'Date of Birth?'

'Kalends Day, January.'

'Kalends day?' she repeated with a twitch in her eyebrows. 'What year?'

'1017,' Merlin said. Why was the doctor looking at him like that? The old man seemed confused as well. He was born in 1017, he knew he was. Oh. 'Wait, that's wrong. I was born on the first of January, 1992. I'm 24.'

There was a longer pause before the doctor asked her next question. 'Where were you born?'

'Carmarthen. It's a town in Wales,' he said, but the answer didn't feel quite right. He hadn't lived in Wales, had he? 'Wait, it might have been Ealdor. That's a village in Essetir.'

'Essetir?' the old man repeated. Merlin looked at him. Definitely not Ealdor then.

'Neither actually,' he said, slowly, carefully, as the more recent location turned over in his thoughts. 'I was born in Bristol. Yeah, Bristol. St Michael's Hospital.'

'You're sure?' the doctor asked.

'Yeah.'

'Good.'

'Gaius,' Merlin started and the old man perked up. It was his Gaius from the castle. This version of Gaius didn't know about all of that though. The rain outside grew heavier.

'Yes?'

'Arthur's okay?'

'Of course he is, my boy,' Gaius assured him, patted his hand with a soft smile, and turned to the doctor. 'Can we let him have some rest, please?'

She thought about it for too long, checked her watch and slipped the clipboard back into its slot at the end of the bed. 'Yes, I'll visit again around 9 a.m., okay? Happy to see you awake, Merlin.'

When she'd left Gaius moved his hand away. 'You're freezing, Merlin.'

'Am I?'

'You don't feel cold?'

He didn't feel anything in particular, but he knew he was forgetting something. Where had he been before he woke up? He'd been somewhere important. He'd done something important.

'I think I'm losing my mind.'

'Why would you think that?'

'I can see it in your face,' he said, dejected. Why would Gaius even ask that? It was obvious. It had taken him three tries to correctly say where he'd been born. 'I didn't recognise you, Gaius. I didn't know you. I don't know me.'

'You know Arthur,' he offered with earnest.

'That's different, that's,' Merlin paused. Why wasn't it the same as knowing himself? Himself relied on Arthur. He wouldn't be who he was without Arthur. The next clap of thunder rolled through the air in the room like electricity. 'It's fate. It's not mine. It's not me.'

Gaius didn't say anything.

'I saw Morgana,' he finally said into the buzzing, dark quiet. His head hurt trying to hold onto the sense of her, of the people he'd seen in his head. Somewhere. Had he seen her? If he had it was probably a dream, wasn't it? She'd died. They'd all died. 'I think I saw my parents, too. It was all wrong, though. It's all wrong.'

Gaius hushed him. 'You've been through enough, Merlin. Go to sleep and don't worry about all that now. I promise I'll stay with you through the night.'

Merlin didn't want to forget but he already had. What he'd forgotten, he couldn't tell, but he'd definitely lost something. Going back to sleep, closing his eyes, sent a surge of cold anxiety through his nerves. What if he went back? What if he disappeared again?

He nestled back against the pillow, turned his head away from his watcher for the night, and stared into the storm outside. He wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't risk it. The rain had turned into a constant violent pattering on the window panes with thunder running through the droplets as if the clouds were cooing at them to calm down, to fall and die without a struggle. He wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't let the thunder take him back.

.

.

.

Arthur was at his desk for thirty-seconds before Gwen planted herself on the edge of it. Elyan wandered past them both with one of the other Murder Team detectives he'd partnered with on an arson case, the irony not lost on him, and paused.

'Got a thorn stuck in your paw?' he asked, eyeing Arthur's hand.

He hid his smile and narrowed his eyes at the DC. 'Ha ha.'

'Can I take a look?' Gwen said and waved her brother off. She gently turned it around between her fingers and Arthur held back his wince at the soft pressure through the cast the ER had given him. 'It's a miracle you survived. Both of you.'

He nodded and lowered his hand. 'It is.'

'Look on the bright side,' Gwaine said behind him.

'Do tell.'

'I think we've set a new record for closing a murder case with a complete confession and all,' he went on and came to place a cup of coffee next to the keyboard. 'Three days, was it?'

Arthur lifted up the sheet he'd just started to fill in. 'Paperwork isn't done yet. We have another twelve witness statements minimum. Plus the IPCC want to take a long hard look at it. Thanks for the coffee by the way.'

Gwaine huffed. 'You're being a scrooge lately, you know that?'

'Gwaine,' Gwen warned him with arched brow. She had a new glow the last few months and when the ring on her finger caught the light Arthur could have sworn she outright sparkled. She was his best friend, next to Leon, and let him crash at her house when his nightmares became too much. Arthur zoned out, the cloud of memory filling up his thoughts with the restless nights, the sweat and wet pillowcase. Turned out watching your partner, watching Merlin, basically die- It really screwed with your head. It screwed with his, at least.

'Sorry, mate.' Gwaine's apology jerked him back into the Yard. 'This case blew up a little, didn't it? When's the press conference?'

'There won't be one,' Arthur told him and picked up the pen again to write his incident report. Everything was electronic now but physical copies, written by hand, were a tradition and far more secure. That's what Kilgharrah told him anyway. Type up a report for the files on their closed-circuit systems and write a physical one as well.

'Why not? It wasn't exactly covert. The guy flew out the window of a burning room which then went on to nearly light the whole building up like a matchstick.'

'Kilgharrah has a plan for keeping the whole frenzy, end-of-the-world-is-here, magic-is-real stuff at bay, and he'll handle inquiries over the fire,' he said, voice partially detached from his thoughts as he wrote about the door closing behind him and Mordred in the flat. Same things he'd told that other detective in his statement on the day. A few minor differences here and there for a genuine air and he could move on. Gwen left her desk and Gwaine took her place in the corner of his eye. 'For now the press have a few statements he gave earlier this morning. Evening Standard were the first to ply the PR Office for information.'

'Oh.'

'We've just got to wrap up loose ends and put forward forensic evidence when it comes in. Alexander Denton doesn't have any loved ones to push for a post-mortem trial so it's an open and shut case. The IPCC shouldn't be getting involved.'

'So you have plenty of time to prep for that date with Mithian,' Percy said when he dropped a closed file on the edge of his desk. Arthur's stomach dropped when he remembered and Gwaine remained silent.

He looked up to respond when he saw Gwen on her phone, hand over her mouth.

'Oh my god,' she said. 'What do you mean? You don't think-? No, I know, but- I know, I'll tell them and yes. I said I know, didn't I? I know means I know, Gaius. How were you even there so late? I'll call you tomorrow after we visit. Yes. You too.'

She put the phone away and stared at them.

Percy looked as confused as Arthur felt. 'What?'

'Gaius just called,' she said. Her expression was one of complete shock, and it took a lot to shock Gwen with all the people that confided in her.

'Gaius?' Arthur said when she kept gaping at nothing. 'Why did he call you?'

'Merlin,' she finally said and a hush fell over them all. 'He's awake.'

The quiet that soaked the air popped when she grinned. Arthur watched as she tried to share something with him in a sparkling stare. His world rolled in on itself and he felt incomprehensibly alone. It finally hit home. The part of his brain that sat with arms folded in a corner, glaring out with denial, crumbled. Sat on his wheeled office chair it all seemed pointless: the report, the magic, the murder. Somewhere inside something had built up with pressure and at last it broke like a dam holding back water that had risen day by day, hour by hour.

'Nothing keeps him down,' Gwaine said with a laugh and suddenly the world was animated again. The water was free. It was flooding.

'We have to visit him, all of us. Let him know we're here for him,' she gushed.

'After work?' Leon suggested.

'Oh, what about your date?'

'Percy, do you really think Arthur cares about a date when Merlin's just come out of a coma?' Gwen scolded him quickly. 'It's Merlin. Right, Arthur?'

A shiver ran through him and he focused back on finding a reply. 'Right.'

His chest was tight when he carried on filling out the report. The writing had become wobbly, scratchy and uneven. His hand had started to shake. Arthur breathed deeply and put it to the side, taking a new one from its metal pot, and started the sentence again. The door was locked after we entered-

He stopped when he looked back and couldn't make out a thing he'd just written. The sound of Gwaine planning something with Percy had become unbearable. It was all too noisy, his chest was too tight, and his one good hand couldn't bloody well behave.

Merlin was awake.

He put the pen down onto the paper again and the ink seeped into the white. When he drew it up to shape a 't' it jerked up too far. Merlin was awake and his hand wouldn't stop shaking. He had to fill in this report. He had a job. He had a serious case. Arthur attempted a new 't' when it suddenly curved left and the ridiculously loud noise pressed in on him.

His hand struck out at the pen pot. It flew across the margin between his desk and the glass wall of a meeting room where it clanged and clattered down. The noise brought attention, Gwaine and Percy finally shutting up.

He stood. 'I need some air.'

His coat was on and he was in the lift before he had time to process anything. The walk to the hospital was frosty, clouds still dark from the storm the night before. As he crossed Westminster Bridge St Thomas' seemed to have shed its gloom. His pace was slowed a little by the burn on his leg but he made it to the entrance within twenty minutes.

Arthur kept his thoughts locked out and managed to keep unnoticed as he made his way to the lift. Visiting hours only started at 2 p.m., but like hell was he waiting until then. He flashed his warrant card to one curious nurse and he was safe to wait and study the people who came in and out of the lift as it climbed up to the tenth floor.

Merlin was in a private room, that Arthur had made sure of. He'd struck up a deal with Merlin's landlord to let them keep his Notting Hill flat, signing a contract to pay the rent and bills as a guarantor, as well as any hospital bills. Uther was probably rolling in his grave at how his son was spending away his inheritance on a manservant. Arthur shook off the idea and when the doors slipped open he headed for the North Wing, Albert Ward.

Merlin's door was open and Arthur stepped into the doorway before he could talk himself out of it.

Warmth poured through his body when he saw him. Merlin, eyes open, was using a knife to poke at food on the tray in front of him.

Arthur watched him prod, ignored the ache in his leg, and grinned.

'Merlin.'

At the sound of his name the man looked up and froze. Arthur moved closer and took it in, the light in his eyes, the flush in his cheeks, the way they were actually looking at each other. His heart hurt. He'd missed just looking at him and having Merlin look back.

'You're staring,' Arthur told him.

'I'm allowed to stare,' he shot back and Arthur's grin widened. He didn't know what to do, how to feel, with too many emotions stuffing up his chest and head at the same time.

'You are,' he agreed.

Merlin placed the plastic knife down next to the uneaten meal. 'They won't let me leave the bed and the food's terrible.'

'I think it's supposed to be,' Arthur said. 'How are you feeling? Do you need anything?'

'Gwaine apparently dropped off some of my stuff a few weeks ago just in case,' he said, partly mumbled, and for a second Arthur could imagine Merlin when he was little, vulnerable. The image was odd, endearing, and he stepped closer. 'But if you want to get me a bear I wouldn't complain. This place is a bit dull and I'm freaking the nurses out by talking to myself.'

'You want to talk to a teddy bear?'

Merlin scoffed. 'No, to myself, but they might find the idea of a grown man talking to a stuffed bear more . . . bearable.'

There a flash of mischief in Merlin's eyes.

Arthur smiled. 'One teddy bear coming up. What do you talk to yourself about?'

Merlin's lack of any particular expression flirted with a smile before he looked out the window and it disappeared. He didn't respond for a full, silent minute.

'Merlin?'

He frowned at something. 'Can you feel it?'

'What?'

'I'm not sure. It's cold,' he said slowly. 'I think I let it come here. I think it followed me.'

'Let what come here? What followed you?'

Merlin looked back at him. 'I'm sorry. Did I tell you that I was?'

'Sorry for what?'

'For what I did to you. It was selfish.'

'Merlin, you don't need to be sorry. I understand why you didn't tell me, why you showed me when you did. It's not something I ever expected to have to deal with. Pretty sure you never expected it either.'

'I ruined everything,' he said darkly and stared into his food. 'I wasn't there for you when Uther died. I wasn't there for you when Morgana-'

'Merlin,' Arthur cut him off and sat on the chair next to the bed. 'You almost died saving my life. You don't have to be sorry. It's not like you could help it. This, life, it's big. You can't be everyone and everything you want to be, not all the time. We both fucked up.'

Merlin refused to meet his eyes until he said, 'We did.'

'Next time, if there is a next time,' Arthur started, resting his hand on the edge of the mattress. 'If anyone threatens you, Merlin, you come to me. You always come to me. You tell me everything because that's what partners do. That's what we do. From now on no more lies.'

His heart beat harder with the fear that it was too demanding, that it would make Merlin lash out at him, that it was too soon to talk about anything serious, but it was honest. He wanted to demand this, he wanted to make it clear to Merlin. He'd be damned if he didn't make it clear. Merlin had no right to defend him the whole bloody time. He was mortal like everyone else.

'Okay,' he mumbled a minute later. Arthur breathed out a lungful of the sterile hospital air and scooted to the edge of the chair.

'What did the doctors say about your recovery? Can you use magic to help?'

Merlin's head sank into the pillow when he rested back and turned to Arthur. He looked exhausted. 'I've been referred to the physiotherapy department. It's too early to tell how long it will take before I can walk properly.'

'You can't walk?'

'Muscles atrophied a bit while I was in the coma, it's nothing serious,' he explained and half-heartedly lifted up his arm. Sure enough the bones were more prominent and the strength he'd trained into them had wasted away. Arthur had noticed during his visits but Merlin actually moving it made it uncomfortably obvious. 'If I use magic it will have to be subtle. It has to appear natural.'

'Maybe you shouldn't use magic at all.'

'At all?'

'They'll be monitoring you, Merlin. Gods only know what would happen if they found out.'

'I have to use magic, Arthur. If I don't . . . I'm pretty sure whatever kept me in a coma was magic related. Recovering won't happen if I don't use at least a little bit. Besides, I need to get out of here to protect your royal arse,' he said and the faded smile flared back into life, spreading his lips and pushing folds up into his cheeks.

Arthur pretended to gawk at the comment. 'Is that any way to address your king?'

Merlin's hand came up for a swat that he ducked. They laughed and Merlin laid his hand down again, this time closer to where Arthur's sat on the edge.

'You seem tired,' Arthur said.

'I haven't slept.'

'Why not?'

Resistance shot into his expression. Arthur closed the gap until his fingers curled over Merlin's.

Merlin turned his hand over so their palms touched and spread out his fingers, lacing their hands together. 'I'm scared.'

'Of what?'

'That I won't be able to wake up.'

'You'll be okay, Merlin.'

'Will I?' Arthur didn't know what to say. In all honesty he was scared of the same thing. 'Three months, Arthur. I was- I wasn't- What if I never woke up again? What if I did die? Just when I decided I didn't want to, not again, not ever, I-'

'Merlin-'

'What if you'd-' he broke off and turned his head to look up to the ceiling. Arthur watched the wetness pool in Merlin's eyes, the flush of his skin, the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. 'I'm going to get better and I'm coming back to work and even if what we had is gone, it's not like I could leave you if I tried. You'll just have to live with it.'

'What we had could never be gone, Merlin. It's just different, that's all.'

Merlin laughed. 'You're such a prat.'

'Don't hold it against me,' he said and grinned. 'You won an award.'

'I did?'

Again there was a light in Merlin's eyes. It erased the tired circles, the years he seemed to have carried before the attack, before it all. Arthur stroked his thumb across Merlin's.

'A big one. You even have a trophy. It's at my flat for now but once you're better,' he paused. 'There's a lot to catch up on, but I have a new case and need to get back to work.'

'What case?'

'No.'

'Why no?'

'You're only problem right now is getting back to fighting form. No unnecessary stress,' Arthur said. 'The others will be coming around this evening so you need to rest up.'

'What about you? When are you coming back?'

Arthur smiled at him. 'Whenever you need me to. Whenever I can.'

Merlin mulled over it, eyes scanning over him in an oddly personal way, until he returned the smile. 'I missed you.'

'I missed you, too,' he said and in the quiet that sat between them he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Merlin's forehead. The position was awkward, and his hand was still tied with Merlin's, but he stayed long enough to smell him, to feel his stronger breath shift the air. It was so different and familiar. Merlin, his idiot manservant, the warlock who'd protected him for years without seeking any praise. Without wanting anything.

'Arthur,' he started.

Arthur sat back into the chair. 'Merlin?'

'I'd love it if we could start again.'

Something panged in Arthur's chest but he kept his smile and light attitude. 'Technically we already have.'

'Don't be obtuse,' Merlin said, sparkle in his eyes. 'You know what I meant.'

'I do.' He knew exactly what Merlin meant. Begin again as if what had happened hadn't. As if what had happened was something they could pack up, acknowledge, and move on from. As if the thing between them was just as naive, just as pure as it had been at the start. As if hadn't changed into something stranger, darker, and harder. 'I'm just . . . I'm still wrapping my head around this. The last three months have been hard.'

'It is a lot.'

'But I really do,' he paused, staring at their hands. He'd missed him so much, but there was Uther in his head. There was the Morgana he'd grown up with in two lifetimes. There was the Guinevere he'd married. Things couldn't start over. He had to learn how to live with the life he led, the life he had led.

'Really do what?'

'Love you.' Arthur moved his stare from their hands to Merlin's eyes. 'Now and then. Past and present. It's just not that simple.'

Merlin laughed awkwardly, the smile confused. 'Is that a gentle way of saying no?'

'It's me saying I can't. I don't want to. I care about you, but sometimes that's not enough. Not by itself.'

Now the smile fell. 'Why not?'

'Starting again is what caused this, Merlin. It's what made us screw up in the first place. I do want to continue,' Arthur said, sorting out the logic and feelings, 'and I want to do it with you-'

'With me as in-'

'As in my partner in the Met, my best advisor, my closest friend.'

Arthur saw his sparkle fade, felt his hand start to pull away, but he tightened his grip. His throat was closing up.

'But not-'

'I want it, I really do,' he rushed, 'but there's stuff we need to talk about first. You know there is. A lot of stuff. You've been unconscious for months, Merlin. I thought about all of it everyday, about you. I want an us. It just can't happen right away. So much has happened.'

Merlin frowned. 'Oh.'

'Merlin-'

He let out a shaky breath. 'I get it, Arthur. I've been stuck in my own head for a while so . . . We didn't leave things in the best space.'

There it was. The memory of his nauseated, aching head, blood everywhere, the way Merlin's eyes had slipped shut. His head had tipped down, rested against his shoulder, entire body limp. The cold horror, the panic, the sirens someone had called for. No, that wasn't the best space. Merlin probably meant the fact that they ignored each other in the days preceding, the passive aggression, the way the summer had blown up so utterly in their faces.

Arthur refocused on the man in front of him. He was used to hiding his feelings, Uther had made sure of that in both lifetimes, but hiding meant controlling them and he knew it would be unbearable. He had no choice, though, not until he'd figured out what exactly it was he was hiding, what he felt in the first place, if it even had a name.

'I'm always going to be here for you and not because fate is telling me to be. I want to be. Let's just see how things go. Let the chips fall where they may, you know?'

'Yeah,' Merlin murmured, eyes cast down at the bed sheet. When his hand tugged away again Arthur let it go. 'You should probably go. I'm tired.'

His legs refused to move. 'I'll get you the teddy bear?'

'You don't have to. It's stupid.'

'No, it's not. I want to. I can have Gwen or Gwaine bring it over tonight?'

'Thanks.'

'You have your phone?'

'Part of the care package Gwaine brought.'

Arthur couldn't believe he'd made Merlin look like that. Sparkle gone, eyes wet, as if someone had made him watch as they shot his pet. What the fuck was he doing?

'I'll call you,' he said and finally got up. Merlin nodded and took the knife again to shove some baby carrots around. 'You need to eat it even if it's terrible. It'll help you heal.'

Merlin nodded again. He stabbed one, put in his mouth, and went back to murder some peas. He'd shut down. Arthur walked backwards to the door.

When he reached it he paused. 'We can't start again, Merlin, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in second chances. They aren't mutually exclusive.'

He was trying so hard to get across what he meant. His chest was tight again. The relief he'd felt earlier was real and wonderful but Merlin had lied to him in two lifetimes now. It wasn't lying to him that really hurt, though. It was lying to him to the point of almost losing his own life, of practically committing suicide for him, repeatedly, that was the problem. Merlin wasn't safe with him when he thought like that.

Merlin looked back up to him and smiled. 'It's okay, Arthur. Whatever you need.'

His smile was empty, eyes still wet, red, and they didn't crinkle at the corners like Arthur remembered they always used to. He nodded and left. When he got back outside into the winter air his chest caved in. He told himself over and over again that there was loyalty and then there was being an idiot. If only Merlin could stop being an idiot and understand.

Arthur scrubbed his face, swallowed the burning lump that had settled there, and headed back to the Yard. There was no better way to forget about past lives and the man you love than diving head first into a possible magic apocalypse.

. . .

(Playlist for Begin Again:

-Macbeth - From "Macbeth" Soundtrack by Jed Kurzal

-Rising, Rising - Bassnectar Remix by Crywolf, Bassnectar

-Go by Gracie and Rachel

-It's Alright by Fractures

-Coma Boy by Rebecca Clements

-Seeing Stars by Empathy Test)