Golden Light

Arthur woke up on a hard floor. He blinked against the light and stared up at a white ceiling.

'I don't think I've ever been this hungover.'

Someone groaned beside him. 'What?'

'Hungover. Never been this bad,' he said and looked to his right. 'Gwaine?'

Another groan and a hand came down to hit him in the stomach. 'Shut up. I'm sleeping.'

Arthur propped himself up onto his elbows. They were in his kitchen with a cold breeze coming in through the balcony doors. How had they gotten there? With slow, measured movements, he got up to his bare feet, another question, and held his breath against a wave of nausea.

'Where's Merlin?'

'Over here.'

Arthur followed the voice down to his living room where he found him curled up on the one end of the sofa, a steaming cup of tea on the coffee table, and a book in his lap rested against his knees. His smile was automatic when he took it in.

'Merry Christmas,' Arthur said and carefully walked around to sink into one of the cushions. Merlin was wearing jogging trousers and a hoodie which dwarfed his frame. 'Where'd you find those?'

'The trousers were at the bottom of your wardrobe. Must have left them behind when I moved out. Hoodie is yours, though. I didn't want to take anything of yours but the cold was a bit much.'

'Why didn't you close the doors?'

Merlin frowned then smiled. 'Oh.'

Arthur laughed and Gwaine groaned again back in the kitchen. 'How did we get here?'

'I brought you,' Merlin said and closed the book. It was Financial Risk and Management, a book he'd gotten hold of two years earlier to keep on top of his father's business and involvement with investors. Uther had left the entirety of the Pendragon estate and money to him and Morgana in his will, but several lawyers had wrangled it so everything was left in Arthur's name. The book had become essential for reasons he wished it hadn't as a result. 'Arthur?'

'Sorry,' he said. The book was now on the table and the tea in Merlin's hands. 'What were you saying?'

'Just that I'm glad you two didn't turn into anything unseemly with what you drank and smoked.'

Arthur tried to recall the evening, but after he'd kissed Merlin everything blurred. 'I didn't drink anything.'

'Not that you can remember,' Merlin said smiling.

'The night wasn't entirely helpful.'

'I disagree. I met the guy running the whole thing.'

'You did?'

'Yeah, but let's leave it until we go back to work, yeah? It's Christmas and I got you a present.'

Arthur looked at him surprised. 'Why? The last time we spoke you wanted me to stay away from you. I said some unbelievably shitty things.'

'True. I guess I could just keep it to myself.'

'And all the shops are closed.'

'I didn't go to any shops.'

'Then how did you get me a present?'

'Magic, obviously.'

'What is it?'

Merlin put the tea down and his expression fell a little.

'What is it, Merlin?'

'I just,' he paused. 'It doesn't matter. Give me your hand.'

Arthur moved his right hand, the one that hadn't been broken by Alexander Denton, towards him and Merlin took it, keeping it faced down. He slid one of his cold hands so they were connected palm against palm. The other covered the top of Arthur's hand and when he was about to ask what he was doing Merlin's eyes flared gold. A sudden pressure built around him, and his hand felt pressed with unnatural force.

'Merlin, what are you—'

'Shh.'

Arthur watched with mild horror as Merlin's eyes flared and the pressure coiled around his fingers and his middle finger. It tightened, shrank down, and while he couldn't see his own hand he could feel something snake around the finger, something hot and hard. It was a surreal and unnerving moment. The hardness stuck itself around his skin, locked in, and then Merlin's eyes dimmed back to their soft blue.

Merlin pulled his own hands back and revealed a ring which had moulded around his middle finger. It was a smooth band of gold with a fine pattern of leaves etched across its surface. Arthur moved his hand closer, examined the ring, twisted it around his finger.

'For if I'm ever not there to protect you. I didn't have a lot of time to prepare it so it'll only work the once but with a few more months I can strengthen the enchantment and it should last longer.'

Arthur looked back up to him. 'What do you mean?'

'If someone, or something, tries to hurt you this will protect you. It should anyway,' he said, eyeing the ring. 'It doesn't make you invincible, if you get shot you'll bleed, but you won't die.'

'Wow,' Arthur murmured. He stroked his thumb across the metal, trying to wrap it around his head. Merlin had given him a magical ring that could save his life. Merlin had given him a ring. His body grew warmer. 'I don't know what to say.'

Merlin smiled at him and took his tea again. Arthur hadn't gotten Merlin a present. Shit. He'd given him a gun last year, honestly not the brightest or most romantic idea he'd had. This year he hadn't even expected Merlin to be awake for it. It had left him in a dark place, then they'd fought, Mithian became a distraction, people started using magic to kill.

'Hang on,' he said and shot up, heading to his bedroom. His stomach twisted when he ducked under the bed and pulled out the old shoe box. It was a stupid idea. Merlin would find it weird, too forward, wrong. He might regret giving it to him. With the lid off Arthur shifted around the random stubs, receipts, old concert tickets, sea shells and random foreign coins. He hadn't put anything in the box since his first year at university. Not until his father died last year. That's when he'd added the family heirloom.

Once he'd grabbed it, pushed the box back under, and walked into the living room Gwaine was up rifling through the fridge while Merlin put his mug into the dishwasher.

'Arthur, why is your fridge so depressing?' Gwaine asked. 'There's no way you eat take away all the time.'

Arthur gave him a stern look. 'It's called a balance of junk food, exercise, protein shakes and eating around Gwen and Leon's most of the time.'

'Ah,' Gwaine said and shut the door. He opened the cupboard above the knife block before Arthur could chase him off. 'Woah. What you lack in food you've more than made up in the alcohol department.'

Heat flushed through him and he glanced to Merlin but he was thankfully still figuring out how to turn the dishwasher on. 'Gwaine, stop going through my cupboards.'

'We've got to leave for Leon's now anyway. I bet his place is properly stocked.'

Arthur smiled at him then moved over to the sink, tapping the cupboard shut. 'Merlin?'

He put the mug onto the rack and looked up. 'Hm?'

'Come over here for a sec?'

Taking his arm he led him over to the now closed balcony doors. He still held it clutched in his fist but realised Gwaine was stood watching them.

'Gwaine, could you give us a moment?' Arthur asked as politely as he could.

'You're not going to kill each other while I'm gone?'

'No, but I might kill you if you don't bugger off right now.'

'I'll just take my water and wait by the front door like a good little third wheel, shall I?'

Arthur smiled at him before he padded out of view.

'I think you threw your shoes out the window,' Merlin said.

Arthur turned back to him. 'Huh?'

'If you were wondering where they were. You told me not to get them for you but we could probably look around for a bit and see if they're still out on the street.'

'What? No, I'll just buy new ones,' Arthur said a little confused and flustered. He took a deep breath and glanced at the ring Merlin had made for him. 'I have a present for you too.'

'You do?'

'Uh, I'm not sure how to give it to you so just close your eyes,' he said. He had to do it in a way that would make it harder for Merlin to say no. 'Please?'

Merlin seemed a bit confused, mildly entertained, and closed his eyes. The second he had Arthur reached out, took Merlin's hand and lifted it up into the air. He pushed the Pendragon signet ring onto Merlin's left index finger. It was little loose but fit snugly enough not to fall off. The gold was aged, a little scratched, with a dragon carved onto its widest part.

Merlin pulled back and opened his eyes again, guarded. There was a beat of silence as he stared at it, then stared at Arthur.

'Arthur, just because I made you that ring doesn't mean—'

'No. You should have this. It's an heirloom, passed down through the generations, whatever that means with reincarnation involved. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be a Pendragon, if it weren't for you, Merlin,' he said, too aware of the tension between them. 'It feels right that you should wear it. It's mine to use however I wish and I've decided to give it to you.'

Merlin wasn't smiling but he wasn't angry either. His expression read closer to concerned and questioning. 'Are you sure?'

'It's yours. It represents a lot of things but for now I hope it shows how important you are to me. How important you'll always be.'

A grin snuck onto his face. 'Stop with all the chivalrous talk or you'll make me blush.'

'I like seeing you blush,' Arthur said.

'Yeah? Well, I like seeing you,' Merlin paused and frowned.

'Seeing me what?'

'I guess that's it. I just like seeing you,' he finished with an awkward smile. 'We need to go.'

'I need shoes.'

'Go get some, then,' Merlin said and headed over to where Gwaine was playing on his iPhone.

'Idiot,' Arthur called out to him.

He looked back, grinning. 'Dollop-head.'

.

.

.

The drive from Cranley Gardens to Russell Road was peaceful with all roads eerily empty. A stillness and calm had swept through London with a comforting suspension of its usual hustle. Merlin huddled into himself in the backseat, hands tucked into the sleeves of Arthur's hoodie, and watched Gwaine mess around with Arthur's radio.

Seven minutes with no real traffic and they pulled up in front of number 21, parked across the road, and stepped out into the weak morning light that struggled to get through a thick smattering of clouds. Large trees twisted up towards the sky along both sides of the road and gave the three storied face of the houses an intimidating presence.

'How can Leon afford to live here?' Merlin asked. His brief adventure to Notting Hill had been given out of chance and luck. Since Arthur had covered his rent and hospital payments he'd become acutely aware of the class divide between them and hadn't expected anyone to come so close to Arthur's financial position.

'Investing I think,' Gwaine said with a shrug. 'Personally, I wouldn't give up the gentrified gritty roots of Shoreditch for all the prim and proper houses of the world.'

They headed up the concrete stairs and Arthur rang the bell. Merlin kept towards the back. Those two had lost themselves last night and he hadn't seen Alvarr/Nix again. They gained nothing valuable beyond what Merlin had learned. What he hadn't told Arthur or Gwaine. They gained nothing case related at least. He and Arthur had shared a moment, an important one, which Arthur apparently didn't even remember. Merlin pushed it to the back of his mind.

'Hey guys, come on in,' Leon welcomed when he opened the painted red door. 'I've just put the duck in but there's plenty left to do. Percy's doing the carrots.'

Merlin smiled at the domestic conversation and slipped his shoes off in the foyer. His mouth watered at the smell of the food and he took in Leon's flat with wide eyes. Light wooden floors, white walls, white furniture, spotlighting, and a general orangey light brown colour scheme running through everything. Stepping into the living room he saw a towering old grandfather clock and a white marble mantlepiece with a sketched art piece hanging above. The Christmas tree towered next to the windows, lit up with multi-coloured fairy lights. Gold and red baubles and stars hung off its branches while the star at the top glowed with a white-gold light.

Leon put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. 'Merlin, you want to do the parsnips?'

'Maybe in a few, Leon, there's not enough space,' Percy called over to them over his shoulder. Merlin grinned at the apron tied around Percy's solid trunk of a body, the bow at his lower back contrasting fantastically with his exposed and muscled arms. The counter was filled with oven trays and bags of vegetables and seasonings and the oven hummed lowly in the background.

'Ah, well, for now make yourselves comfortable,' Leon said. 'And Merry Christmas.'

Gwaine walked up to his other side and glanced at Merlin's mouth. 'What's so funny?'

'Everything,' Merlin said, the smile starting to hurt a little. 'This is amazing. Thanks for letting me come over, Leon.'

The curly haired ex-knight stood up from pulling out a saucepan. 'You're always welcome here, Merlin. You know that.'

He nodded, ran his finger across the grooved face of the ring Arthur had given him, and went over to the in-built bookcase to read the titles. Gwaine scoffed and walked over to the kitchen area.

'You alright?' Arthur asked as he came to stand beside him, eyes on the books.

Merlin watched him, how his eyes scanned across their spines. 'I love how normal it all feels, how happy it is.'

'I'm glad you came,' Arthur said and brushed his hand against his. Heat flushed through him, the kiss, the arguments, the summer. It was too much. When Arthur held his hand he let him. He let the heat of Arthur's skin fight against his own coldness while his chest tightened with that strange initial spark he'd felt after the spilled coffee.

'Things change,' Merlin said, softly enough that only they could hear while the others laughed in the kitchen area. 'We have to accept it. We have to know that it's alright.'

Arthur was staring at him again. 'You're beautiful.'

Merlin's skin flushed and he faced him.

'I've always thought so, even when you were a manservant and I was your prince,' he said, squeezed his hand lightly and faced the bookcase again. Their single point of connection was not enough and too much at the same time. Merlin stared at the books and listened with warm ears.

His head was back there in Arthur's bedroom. He was beyond confused by the mix of emotions running through him. He wanted to walk away, to ignore him, and he wanted to kiss him, to have sex, to be closer. He wanted to be friends, to be partners, even to be Arthur's manservant again and wake him up in the morning, go on hunts with him. He wanted to forget all about him.

'And I don't just mean physically,' Arthur continued. 'I know you've done bad things, I know you've kept things from me, but I can't stop thinking about you. Every time I wake up there's this moment where I hope I'll see you there with me. We used to spend almost every day together in Camelot and I miss it. I miss you.'

Merlin's stomach twisted in spite of the warm fuzziness. 'You have a girlfriend, Arthur. To say you're giving me mixed signals is putting it lightly. We keep going back and forth. One day we hate each other and the next we love each other. What does that mean?'

They fell into another silence and then Arthur squeezed his hand again. 'I think I'm going to break up with Mithian. You make be a better man, Merlin, and even if we fight, even if we can't see eye to eye on everything, I need you. I—'

'Oi!'

Arthur stopped and Merlin blinked his world back into focus. He thought he was going to break up with Mithian? What did that even mean? Nothing or enough?

'If you two are done staring at books there are parsnips and Brussels sprouts waiting for you,' Gwaine said in a motherly tone. Merlin cleared his throat and pulled his hand back.

'Let's continue this later, yeah?' he whispered into Arthur's ear then walked across the room, behind the large white sofa to join the other three in the growing mess of a kitchen. It was far too small to prepare a meal for five men but Leon had started using a tall wooden chest as a makeshift kitchen island. Arthur lingered by the bookcase and large windows for a minute longer before he joined. Merlin washed his hands then coated the chopped parsnips in vegetable oil and maple syrup. He sprinkled over thyme, salt, pepper, and mixed the stickiness around the baking tray.

Gwaine had been chopping potatoes with Percy when he came and stood next to Merlin by the chest-turned-work surface. 'Merlin.'

'Yes, Gwaine?'

Gwaine leaned in closer and Merlin paused his seasoning. 'Have you thought about maybe telling them? Or at least Arthur?'

'Telling who what?' he asked, frowning. No way was he bringing it up there and then.

'The team, our team, about how we've met before in a distant and far away land called Camelo—'

He elbowed Gwaine in the side. 'You know I have thought about it and you know I can't. We've been through this.'

Arthur shot him a curious glance. Merlin smiled at him falsely before glaring at his flatmate.

'It's only a matter of time and it might be better to air all of this stuff now, before things get even more dangerous. If they can believe in magic they'll believe you when you tell them about reincarnation. I did,' Gwaine whispered, the sizzling of meat, the oven and the extractor fan all helping to conceal their conversation. Merlin had way too much on his mind to deal with this as well.

'It's not that simple, Gwaine—'

'Hope you two aren't conspiring to poison the food,' Leon burst in with a grin as he popped his head over their shoulders to look down at the parsnips.

'No,' they said simultaneously. Merlin narrowed his eyes at Gwaine.

'Right.' Leon frowned before he grabbed two bottles of wine from the rack next to the fridge and left the room.

'Great, now we look suspicious,' Merlin hissed. Gwaine scoffed and turned back around to help carry glasses to the dining room while Arthur fried the bacon. With careful guidance from Percy Arthur had the sprouts ready in minutes and was distracted enough not question his and Gwaine's overt conversation.

By 1 p.m. the Christmas Dinner was done. Rain cast white streaks against the window panes. They faced out onto a large square of grass with a tree that stretched up higher than the buildings and rustled with the breeze.

Merlin was overly aware of how Arthur kept close to him, their arms brushing as they set out the plates and steaming dishes.

It was an airy, cosy room and once they'd all taken their seats Leon lifted his glass of red wine with Arthur, Gwaine his beer, and Percy his gin and tonic. Merlin picked up his own wine.

'To the family we choose,' he said, resting his gaze into them all, 'and the bonds that can never be broken.'

Gwaine coughed out, 'Sap.'

Leon smiled at him. 'You know what they say, Gwaine. Love don't die.'

Percy laughed and started clinking his glass against everyone else's. 'Cheers. It's been a crazy year. At this point I think we can handle anything.'

'Cheers,' Arthur said. Merlin knocked his own glass against theirs and took a generous gulp of the wine. Leon sat at the head of the rectangular table with Gwaine and Percy together on the one side, Merlin with Arthur on the side that faced the window. Merlin couldn't stop grinning as Leon cut into the meats on his right and served them all. He'd abandoned the hoodie in the living room. His burgundy jumper was enough to keep him warm for once.

'This went surprisingly well,' Percy said while he spooned out some bread sauce from its glass jar. Merlin speared a roast potato and bit down into it. Heat hit his mouth first, a crunch between his teeth, then they met soft mush. His appetite hadn't come back since waking up and eating the food felt more like obligation, ritual, something to do to if he wanted to feel like them, feel close to them. There was a moment of silence, chewing, settling in to the meal, then Arthur hummed in agreement through a mouthful of parsnips.

'Only because you made sure we didn't mess it up,' he said once he'd swallowed, smiled, and cut into his duck.

Emrys.

Merlin swallowed as the cold spindled up the back of his neck. He looked around the room and tried to listen to what they were saying as they ate, drank, laughed. Another voice had said his name and none of them had responded. His hands and feet grew cold as adrenaline and instinct kicked in.

'What do you think, Merlin?' Gwaine asked.

He focused back on the conversation. 'About what?'

Gwaine nodded to him with a satisfied grin. 'Told you he wasn't listening.'

'Shut up,' Arthur said with a smile and turned to him. 'We were just guessing at whether or not Gwaine would actually start playing at that pub in Angel.'

'Oh,' Merlin nodded, frowned, and looked at the Irishman. 'Playing what?'

'Guitar,' Gwaine said a little reluctantly. 'It's not something I go on about and these sods only know about it cause we've slogged it through the trenches together for three years now.'

'I had no idea,' Merlin realised and his high spirits dropped heavily and fast. The rainfall outside was harsher, louder, and the green blurred a little with the grey.

'Not your fault. I never told you and I fell out of love with the music scene before you even showed up at the Yard. Percy here started badgering me about it while you were, uh-'

'Indisposed,' Leon offered.

'Yeah, and only cause the pillock thinks he can play drums.'

'I can,' Percy said and bit off two sprouts from his silver fork.

Merlin smiled at them both. 'You want to start a band?'

'Woah, slow down,' Gwaine said.

'I've got connections, you know,' Leon slipped in and drank more wine.

'Do you now?' Gwaine challenged.

Emrys.

Merlin's smile faltered and he put down his fork as nausea washed through him. Rain struck the window panes and thunder rolled through clouds above the building.

'For once I wish we'd get snow instead of rain,' Gwaine complained and craned his neck back to look at the turn in weather. 'We deserve a white Christmas.'

'We've had really stormy weather the last month,' Percy noted. 'Might be a side effect of there being more people who have magic?'

'Hey, no shop talk,' Arthur said. 'Gwaine's just trying to divert the conversation away from his future profession as a guitar playing Irish hipster.'

Merlin glanced to Arthur who still hadn't heard the voice. He was smiling lightly and watching Gwaine, Percy and Leon as they talked.

Emrys.

Merlin let out a long, cold breath and stood up.

He backed away from the table.

The voice was hollow, sad, and ran deep within his body. It went as deep as his bones, into them, made them ache like they had when he was little.

He couldn't see the tree outside anymore. The soft golden light of the room dimmed and broke down into an ashy haze as if iron filings had blown into the air and cut through the light. This couldn't be happening.

'Merlin?' Leon asked before another chorus called out Emrys. His name dilated and twisted in on itself in pitch, volume, until it grated out into nothing more than a breath that filled his ears. He'd stepped out from the chair, behind Arthur, stumbled to the door, then they screamed out his name.

He heard the others distantly react to something, his gaze too unclear to realise what. The door frame blurred, the hallway beyond a mix of smudges of murky colour. The air around him hardened to the point where breathing hurt, ice cut him from the inside, the wind moaned in tune to the voices, and then it was in front of him. Hollow sunken eyes, barely corporeal, skin stretched across bone that was shaded an impossible bluish white.

Emrys, what have you done? How were you able to tear the veil?

A hand came up to his face, long and thin, and when it touched his cheek he heard them all. Hundreds of voices sounding from every direction. He heard his own, the word deal echoing through the mesh of unintelligible whispers, and saw the tear in Camelot, a tear between worlds.

She took in a low sharp breath and the cold burned through his skin, deep into his skull, his gums and teeth.

Your life should have been mine and yet here you stand.

Merlin couldn't look away from her blue eyes.

You cannot break the laws of nature, Emrys. The consequences are severe.

Something moved sharply on the other side of her, someone reaching towards him, and then she let out a sigh and passed through him as a flurry of smoke and shadow.

Everything tipped at a strange angle and he fell heavily into a body that grabbed and supported him, brought him to one of the chairs. Everything was numb and blurred. He couldn't move or support himself.

'Lin? Can—'

'Do?'

'Blank—'

'Shouldn't have—'

'Think this has anything—'

'About?'

'Saw something— Believe me if I told—'

'Pital?'

'Extreme, he just needs—'

'Up. Can you hear—'

His head rested limply against someone's shoulder, body limp. Thoughts were sluggish but came together through the cracks in their conversation. He'd made a deal with the things calling out his name. The Dorocha. He'd released them. It was all too similar to what they'd battled in Camelot to be anything else. Lancelot had given his life to end it. Panic charged through him and his eyes burned.

'Merlin?' Arthur's voice came through clearly. He was the one holding him up on the chair. 'We've got to move him somewhere else.'

'We need to know what's wrong with him first,' Percy argued.

He wanted to say something but couldn't. Arthur supported his head, sought out his eyes, and all he could do was stare blankly. Everything was numb, cold, as if his body wasn't really his. He could barely feel the touch. He was beyond shivering, and his heartbeat was slow, dangerously slow.

'Is this like what happened before?' he asked him quietly. 'Your reaction, I couldn't see anything but I did see something Tuesday night. They're spirits, aren't they? One was here. Merlin, I don't know how to help you. I don't know what it's done to you.'

'This has happened before?' Leon asked.

Arthur flinched and looked up to his friend. 'It's a long story. We need to lie him down and keep him warm. We have to get Kilgharrah. He'll know what to do. Give me a hand, Percy.'

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin's chest and waist while Percy lifted his legs. It was humiliating, terrifying, unfair. It was Christmas, he had been happy, and he'd spoiled it for them all.

When the two of them lifted him up into the air Merlin's head lolled forward uselessly against his chest. They carried him into Leon's bedroom and laid him down on the bed once Leon had thrown the duvet out of the way. Each movement, the contact with the mattress, pillow and sheets, were distant.

'I'll stay here with him,' Leon offered. 'You three should get whatever help you can.'

Arthur bent over him, pulled the duvet over and tucked it around him. He could barely blink when Arthur leaned in to his face and stroked his hair. His calm, stony expression crumbled with a deep frown and downturned lips.

'I'll stop this,' he whispered. 'I won't let anything happen to you.'

Merlin wanted to tell him that it was his own fault, that he wasn't sure if it could be stopped, that anything had already happened long before they'd even seen each other in the hospital. He wanted to beg him not to leave him there and tell him they were safer together. That he'd be fine in a few minutes.

'Don't leave him alone in this room and call if anything changes,' Arthur ordered as he stepped away and then he was gone. Out of the corner of his eye Merlin watched Gwaine and Percy leave too. Leon threw an extra quilt over him and sat on the other side of the bed.

'Magic really never gets boring, does it?' Leon muttered darkly and pulled his legs up, shifting the weight on the bed.

Merlin's eyes were stuck with a limited world view, mostly ceiling, so he closed them. Barely able to feel his own body and not seeing the world made it feel like he wasn't even there. He had no body. The cold seeped into his thoughts until they froze over and time stopped. Everything was gone. He was gone. Arthur was gone. The world was gone.

(So winter and the Christmas spirit have hit London hard and everything's sparkly and cold. I should be able to update the next chapter next weekend so you won't have to wait too long!

As ever, thank you for reading and commenting x x x

Playlist for Golden Light:

Ho Ho Ho by Sia

Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

Friends by Ed Sheehan

Got To My Head by WATERS

Cough Syrup - Alt Radio Edit by Young the Giant

Don't Delete the Kisses - Recorded at Strongroom Studios, London by Wolf Alice

First Apparition - From "Macbeth" Soundtrack by Jed Kurzal

Carol of the Bells by George Winston)