Finally my life has some form of control in it and i can manage my time well now to write and update. This was originally to go up on Sunday since I try to upload every three days but to be honest I haven't been on edge as i used to...But! I won't give up since I have come a far way I won't forget when this was at chapter five and I only had five reviews- FROM THE SAME PERSON! and that person really motivated me to go and because of that passion I continue. Look forward to more on time uploading and I'm happy to be at this point of the story!

Chapter 18
The Bad Part

I clenched my fist looking at Uta as he stood opposite of me. I turned back to renji and nodded, my way of saying I'm ready.

It has been almost a month since I awoke and so far it has not been stable. I'm not allowed to leave Renji's place. I thought that maybe it was because I was notoriously 'dead' but instead I was more like 'missing', and in Renji's word, immediately surfacing back to civilization wasn't the best move if by chance that ghoul was not acting alone. For the time being I would be laying low and staying one place.

Since Itori had gone back to work she wouldn't be at the apartment with me. So staying at renji under the supervision of both him and Uta would keep me under strong protection. Little by little I was learning more about ghouls as well. Things I never even knew!

"Kaisa-chan, focus." Renji said as he walked in the circle getting ready to attack as I went on defense.

What was happening now was what Itori and Uta had decided was needed. Training. This was my second ghoul attack and if it wasn't mere coincidence then I was probably being targeted and I needed to at least know how to defend myself just in case.

Renji striked aiming for my shoulder and I never even caught the glimpse of him when he moved. His hand halted millimeters from my body.

My heart was beating so rapidly in my chest my face immediately paled. My knees gave out beneath me and I fell to the grass as I clutched to my chest trying to breathe properly.

This always happens. I still can't control whatever fear is inside me.

"It takes time." Renji said as he kneeled down resting his hand on my shoulder and I immediately jolted.

I looked up at him. "s-sorry." I got up and ran inside passing Uta as I felt his eyes on me but I can't even look him in the face.

I curl into a ball hugging myself inside the living room while leaning against the wall. Languor runs on her small legs towards me purring as she rubs herself against my body. She treats everyone like this no exception for whether you're a ghoul or human.

After I woke up I was very glad to everyone, very happy to see the only people I had. But then I soon came to realize that following night when I went to sleep how traumatic the experience I had that placed me in the position I was in was. I had nightmares….every night.

They wouldn't stop and they were as vivid and clear as it was on that night. I would wake up screaming or in cold sweat and I wouldn't dare anyone to enter to room other than Itori. But it was worse than that, my nightmares never just came in my sleep at nights but because of them I had sleepless nights and when I trying to sleep during the day I would still have them.

What sort of curse was this; I couldn't close my eyes for more than three hours without waking up screaming. Having Uta on my mind was clearing out all of this from happening before. But now that I was able to see him and everyone I loved, it's like the wheels of tragedy resumed their slow and painful pattern just haunting me with every chance it got.

The dreams where so real. Sometimes it was as if I couldn't breathe while I was laying and one time Itori had to stop me from choking myself in my own sleep. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to pretend like nothing even happened. I was scared, no….mortified. I had a fear of ghouls and at the same time I was living amongst them.

"Hello."

I looked up to Uta. When did he even slip into the room? I hugged myself even tighter. I heard the sound of him shifting and when I looked up he had a brown bag in front of me nudging against my knee.

"…Uta…"

"If we want to eat you, we would have."

I blinked looking at him. My eyes burned with water, "I'm scared, I can't defend myself, I can't stop these nightmares, I-"

"Stop. Humans are so weak." he mumbled reaching out to stroke my face then poke my cheek almost like testing the softness of the flesh and skin. "But they are so interesting. I like them because they can be so strong," he said his eyes widening. "When it comes to feelings, this intangible thing, it becomes the strongest weapon, defensive and great."

There was a knock on the door then it creaked open and it was renji. He looked at me and then Uta. "tonight at 7."

The door closed and Uta looked back at me.

"What's happening tonight?" I asked curiously.

"Would you really like to know?"

I nodded.

"Feeding."

My stomach tightened. "Wi-will you be safe?"

"Safety? I thought you would ask about the human I will be eating."

I shook my head and leaned in hugging him. "It's your way of life I won't judge, just come back to me, both you and renji….cause….along with Itori…you guys are all I have"

"And the kittens." He said as I loosened my tight grip around him and looked at the man I had such strong feelings for staring dead into my face.

"I have bags, I know… so don't stare so intensively"

"I got these, sleep medications, and some vitamins and some anti-depressants." He said giving me back the brown bag and I took it.

Later that night I was in my room alone in the house. I felt so scared just being home alone. Uta comforting me letting me know the house was being watched but still without anyone here I was scared. I took my medications, I had a bath…I barely ate dinner and I had already spent more than three hours lounging in my bedroom.

I dialed Itori's number and paused looking at it on the screen. This would be the 7th time I would be calling her from work since the past two weeks begging her to come home and stay with me till I fall asleep because I was in fear of what happened once I closed my eyes.

I tapped the backspace swallowing as I curled into the bed. I miss my old lifestyle, I wished I was stronger to defend myself, maybe all this would not have happened. Maybe life would have been smoother I would have been happier and things would only be focused on Terel's recovery. Instead Terel recovery was not the only pressure but fear and suspicion that I was being hunted, my depression and anxiety rising to a critical level and me becoming such a weak and scared person.

My phone rang. The Caller ID was Uta.

His voice was so clear. "Good night Kaisa. Are you okay?"

I swallowed the gulp in my throat. I wanted him here beside me I was scared, so scared…I felt cold chills running up my back my hands were sweaty and shaky.

"Yes…"

The phone was silent for a while and as I blinked the tears streaked down my face.

"Are you crying now?"

"Y-Yes" I replied my voice cracking as I sniffled. I wanted him beside me.

"Try and be patient for a little while."

"Okay," I muttered pulling my legs to my chest why did I feel so weak. At night times I always felt this weak like I was being targeted by some unseen predator. Uta was still on the call and I could hear the distant sound of the city. I curled into a small ball before drifting off without even realizing it.

I jump out of my sleep breathing heavily as my room door creaks open and closes behind the tall frame whose hand reaches over to flip on the light in the darkness.

"Kaisa, its me."

I sit up in the bed looking at Uta who pulls off his jacket. He came over to the bed picking up my phone before taking out his. I watch him tap on the screens as he ends the call resting both phones on the night table.

I blinked. "You were connected the entire time?"

"Yes, I could hear you through the phone on my way here; I thought it would be easier to know I was somewhat here."

I nodded and scooted over a little in the bed. "Come and lay beside me." I said pulling the sheets away as he moved unto the spot.

"Sleep." He ordered.

I frowned. He was probably as concerned as Itori was. But would it be okay to let down my guard what if I do something crazy in my sleep?

"What if I do something crazy in my sleep, like choke you or hit you or scream or something." I mumbled as my hand moves under the covers and to his chest.

He shrugged but continued looking at me. I pecked him softly on the lips as I leaned in kissing him this time slowly and passionately.

It felt a bit one sided and just as it came to recognition almost like he sensed my realization of him not fully in the kiss he pulled away and snuggled me against his body.

"Sleep."

I bit my bottom lip and pushed away looking up at him. "You don't want to kiss me?"

"Kaisa."

I pouted and looked away feeling so embarrassed. MY boyfriend just gave me the cold shoulder, he basically rejected my act of affection. I turned around giving him my back there was no way I would let him see my pained expression after he did that. as a matter of fact there was no way I even wanted him in the bed next to me or even in this room!

I felt him pull me against his body locking me into his hold as a groaned trying to breakaway.

"S-stop"

"Don't be upset. I just rather you sleeping than doing that."

"Doing what?" I argued, "Doing an act of affection and care?" I pressed rhetorically as I felt his hands lock around my waist and I literally could not move. Ghouls were generally strong but I never expected to witness his strength like this in this position.

"I hold back because I care, Kaisa just, just sleep." he murmured.

"Stop, fuck. Why are you doing this I just…."

I sighed feeling my eyes getting heavier the pills were taking effect but I resisted because I refused to sleep.

I felt his hand gently stroke my hands that were on his around my waist and I could feel the sensation of him just laying there behind me.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled as his grip loosened when I pulled his hand to my face kissing it gently. "I'm really sorry, I'm being so difficult"

I don't want to fight.

"It's okay" he mumbled as his leaned even closer to me as I felt so assured and relaxed in his embrace.

When I opened my eyes I was still curled up against Uta. My body felt so well rested and it was the sound of pattering rain that shook me out of my sleep.

I sat up feeling Uta's grip on me completely loosen and when I turned around he was in bed half awake staring at me.

"Are you awake?"

"A little."

I smiled turning to him. "Uta, no nightmares…I slept like a rock."

"Did you now?" he questioned rising up a little only for all that black silkiness to fall and curl against his neck and shoulders.

"Oh, it's even sexier when its undone." I said without realizing as my cheeks flushed looking at him running his hand through his lightly messed-up hair. I removed the little hair pin at the front holding back some of the side bang out his eyes and watched the hair unveil in all its glory.

"Pleased?"

"Very," I mumbled sitting up completely facing him as I sat on my legs eagerly staring at my very good-looking boyfriend. "I've slept, do I get a well-deserved kiss now?" I asked looking at him. The air around us was so light. It almost- no….it is exactly like it was before this incident.

I stare even longer as he reveals his shirtless body which I have seen quite often but seeing it today when I wasn't sleep deprived or in panic mode made me feel really refreshed.

"Maybe." He mutters staring dead at me then suddenly pulls me towards him and topples me over and before I know it he is above me in the bed.

I waste no time as I wrap my arms around his neck pulling him down to my lips.

We continued and continued and continued and still continued until I felt my body getting far too overwhelmed and engrossed.

Whats so different? Usually I could hold out much longer! Was it the somewhat abstinence from the month or just weird morning urges? Maybe it was the hair! Even though I stopped kissing him and he is lying next to me staring at me point blank, I could feel it in his eyes almost like he was sending me the message.

"I want to fu-"

"I know. Me too." I intervened.

"You want to focus on getting back to normal as well?"

"huh- wait what?" I blinked a couple times dumbfounded.

"I thought you were going to say you wanted to…"

He looked at me a lost for a couple seconds before finally realizing and almost on cue I turned away my cheeks burning red.

"I just, with the mood and- don't judge me!" I defended grabbing the pillow smacking him with it. Oops. "s-sorry!" I squeaked looking at him nervously.

He held my wrist pulling me into an embrace.

I looked up from his chest and at his face looking down on me. This man really deserves more recognition than he gets for being so attractive.

"It's good to have you back." He said as he rubbed my hair twirling it around his fingers.

I blushed so much I literally felt I was going to have a nose bleed. I missed this adrenaline I had for him. Damn, most importantly….I missed him.

1 hour later

"Now- turn it now!" I yelled as I watched Renji take the spatula and turn to strip of meat in the pan. "Great! Seeeee even a ghoul can make bacon!"

Renji sighed scratching the back of his head looking at his failed efforts then the good one and then mine. "Its hopeless"

"Noooooo. It's progress….plus…your better than Itori who end up scraping the remained burn bits from her effort"

He smiled and I did as well as we had some small talk. We paused when I spotted Uta walking across the room dressed with his glasses on and a travel knapsack on his shoulder.

"W-where are you going."

"Heading to HySy. Need to see the shop and send off some order and start on some new ones."

"Will you be back tonight?"

"I wi-"

Languor pounced on his shoulder

"See even Langour doesn't want you to go~"

"Are you instigating I stay home. For you?"

I nodded my head flustered and all. Damn you Uta.

"My presence comes with a price."

"I'm willing to pay"

He leaned forward so closely I nearly stepped back. Instead I held my composure in movement but my expression remained startled.

"oh~"

I felt my cheeks getting red and I turned and walked away around to the kitchen counter behind renji. For some reason, I knew exactly what was going through Uta's mind and I dear not even entertain it one bit!

"B-Be safe." I mutter getting red as a tomato while peeking from behind Renji. Whatever chastity I have is hiding behind renji with me as well!

"Without doubt." He hums leaving.

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