Tokyo Ghoul and all its affiliated characters are property of Sui Ishida.

So relieved to put this one out. Congrats to hitting over 20 chapters! Thank you all my readers for you time and dedication :)

Chapter 21
Frustration

Today I went training again. After sending messages to Uta he hasn't responded once. It has been three days.

When I brought the fact he hadn't responded to Itori she just looked at me and frowned.

"Don't take technology lightly; probably they have synced every call and text to see who you're speaking to on the other end."

I never even expected them to go that far.

I opened the door to go grocery shopping but there was a CCG officer at my door and as soon as it opened he looked at me.

"A-Am I allowed to go grocery shopping?" I asked nervously. He had a gun and he also had a briefcase. I knew what those briefcase were but what was the point of the gun. From what Uta told me in the past that they were able to regenerate from a fatal wound and it crucially depended on their strength.

He nodded and I closed the door locking it securely. He opened his phone muttering something and as we walked away I spotted an actual police officer walking to my apartment door standing up on watch. I felt my heart sink even more. It's like I'm on prison watch. When I was leaving the house Itori was putting on a new look which I supposed was to lead suspicion from her. Now she had bright blue eyes and short blonde hair. Her face also looked a bit difference but no surprise since I've seen very human looking mask at Uta's place so I was sure he had something to do with that.

At the grocery store I picked up some regular stuff, flour, sugar, juices, bread, and eggs. I ensured to pick up a lot since I never knew when I would be able to come here again. I walked pass the grocery store Renji and I had met and went to a better and more convenient one further down. Hard to say I didn't go alone.

I was driven back to the apartment with all my bags which two other guys helped me with I was glad for the first time that they were actually there.

Other than that they just came off as jail cell watchers.

When I returned to the apartment Itori was already gone not even a note or anything to say that she would be coming home at x time to do whatsoever. Did this also mean I couldn't talk with Renji, what about our children? Our kittens?

I packed out the grocery filling the cabinets and stuffed the fridge with food and everything. I decided to bake some treats since I looked at the time and realized I only had two hours till training. I knew exactly who I was making pastries for too.

I picked up my phone checking the message screen. I knew what Itori said was true but I still wanted to hear from him.

I want to see you.
1:52:38
MESSAGE SENT

I held the phone to my chest I wanted to talk to him so badly. With what happened three nights ago, with what took place…I really…really wanted to talk to him. Plus, call me greedy I also wanted him to hold my like that again.

I continued whisking the thoughts of last night clouding my mind. When would I meet him, when would I see him again.

Why the fuck was Aogiri Tree after me? Because of them I now couldn't see him!

"Miss Terresi you look better than I thought you would have been." Shinohara said smiling as I came through the glass door entering the gym. I spotted Suzaya raising off the stool and running to me smiling.

"Did you bring chocolate?" he asked smiling as he looked up at me with big eyes filled with anticipation. I reached in my bag taking out his treat of chocolate balls dropping in his hands.

"Better than chocolate…its chocolates. And I made them." I said forcing a smile.

He grinned even wider as he took the bag and began eating it.

"He is going to love you even more. Yesterday after you left he asked when you would be back. He might not look it but he is really excited to see you." Shinohara-san said as Suzaya sat on top of a machine leaning over dangerously and swinging his feet while eating his chocolate.

He's not normal is he?

"I don't mind. I know how rewarding it feels at time when someone cares about you and treats you for who you are." I said smiling at him Uta suddenly crossing my mind. "Aummm, can we please begin."

"Of course no problem."

"Oh yeah- ahh….here is your gift." I said handing him some muffins I made along with a small marble. If I recalled correctly he was married and I gave enough so he could bring home.

"Thank you very much I am grateful- I never even knew you could bake!" he said taking his bag of treats as he walked over resting them on the table.

Training that day was not as hard as the first but I had a few aching muscles. We went a little over the time but I didn't care. I never really had much going home to anyways.

Probably Itori but definitely not Uta.

After I finished training I went to the shower room I was way too sweaty and dirty to head home like this. I stripped and entered the bath showering and getting myself clean. Once I was done and returned to the gym I realized it was minutes to 8, that's a dangerous time to be heading home but I'm sure those guys are waiting to drop me home anyways.

"Miss Terresi, I'm surprised your still here." Amon said after I had said goodbye to Shinohara and Suzaya who left the room earlier. I was merely sitting down checking my phone for any new messages from Uta.

"Oh- yeah umm….just relaxing and getting ready to leave- it's actually good that I saw you I made this for you it's kind of….an apology gift for hitting you yesterday." I said the treats coming to my mind as I began shuffling through my bag. Luckily Suzaya never saw this cause if he did he might complain about why Amon's bag of treats was basically bigger than his and Shinohara- san's put together. But Amon was sort of special.

"Oh." He mumbled walking to me taking it and opening it and looking at the pastries. I blinked as I watched him take a sugar cracker and munched on it and then another….and then another….and then even another one.

"I….I realized your actually fond of aumm….sugary stuff so everything in there is sugar but aside from the sugar crackers and the blueberry sugar-coated donuts the other stuff have sugar from fruits which is better for your body. Cause I know you do this work that requires a lot of body strength so it's good you stay healthy." I said watching him eat his tenth sugar cracker if not more since I lost count after the seventh one. Change fond to obsessed…this could be a secret addiction.

It's like watching Suzaya all over again who ate everything off the moment he got it.

"Save some for when you reach home." I ordered looking at him surprised.

He blushed lightly. "My apologies these are nice sugar crackers." He said closing the bag. He took off his sweater and went over to the lifting machine, lying on his back and began lifting some weights.

"Do you exercise in the nights?" I asked walking over to him watching him lift 100 pounds.

"Every day. I have to maintain my fitness." he said continuing to lift. I didn't even need to look too hard at his body since the thin shirt he was wearing rested on the frame of his chest and torso every muscle showing so perfectly. Not to mention his arms as the muscles tightened and relax with over lift.

Control Kaisa control!

"Amon-san, how long would I need to be under this watch?"

"Well, until you are safe. It's important that you are safe at all cost until we know they aren't after you anymore."

"Are you going to bug my apartment, my phone, track me everywhere I go and intervene with every personal aspect of my life?" I asked suddenly without even realizing it. He sat up resting the weights aside and looked at me.

"Actually those steps have to be taken but with your knowledge of course."

I looked at him and looked down on my lap. "I think I'm losing the relationship I have with my boyfriend."

Whoa- holy crap what is going on with my emotions right now? I swallowed beginning to speak with myself as I came to conclusion that I was probably in more pain than I expected knowing the man I wanted was beyond my reach. He was avoiding me. And I was losing him.

I looked up to see his expression which was blank but it softened to a concerned look. "Why is the relationship ending?"

"Well I wouldn't want to use the word ending. It's just; I might not be seeing him very often"

"We won't intervene with someone so close to you so you may see him."

"It's more than that he's a-" I paused, "he's a very busy person."

"Are you lonely- I mean…..loneliness is sometimes good for the human mind but if it's unbearable…you can always speak to me, I am your friend." You gave me snacks." He said looking at the treat bag he then looked at me blushing lightly.

So food- no…sweets were the way to his heart. Mental note.

"Okay, when I make pastries I will-"

"Call me. You should. I like sugary stuff."

I smiled, "I realized."

When I reached home that night it was minutes to ten. Amon and I stayed talking and he was the one who dropped me home.

When I went to the apartment it wasn't empty. I could hear Itori in her shower. I rushed to her room entering the bathroom to see her in the shower rinsing her body. I noticed the blemish of red gathering at her feet and slowly going down the drain. I'm guessing she hunted.

"I miss him."

"Kaichi!" she stepped out the shower wrapping in the towel. "Don't enter while I'm showering!"

"I've seen you naked many times I don't care!"

"B-B-But…..I'm a growing girl I need my privacy~" she said blushing embarrassed and all.

"Shut up pig chest!"

She flinched. Oh…..maybe I went a bit too far. She sniffled. Okay so I attacked her ego.

I swallowed. "I'm sorry, I never….meant to make you feel-"

"It's okay it's not your fault you're a flat board with no sex appeal and an art obsessed virgin it's just the way life is, and my voluptuous and erotic body has to pay the price of just being awfully beautiful."

My eyebrow twitched.

"You bitch."

She gave me a proud grin. This bitch.

"This flat board so happens to have a little ass and I do have some breast it's a B cup but it's there! And I do have sex appeal at least I don't have to flaunt my breast to get attention and this art obsessed virgin had sex so shut up you flabby bitch. I curse your chest with gravity-may they become flabby sacks!"

She growled. "My breast do not sag you- wait say what about sex?"

I froze. Oh yeah.

"You never told me this."

"Sorry. Umm…it happened ha-ha." I suck at lying.

"Howwwwwwwwwwww"

I blushed. "W-What do you mean by how- don't you usually just push it in and move back and forth- is there any other way?! Oh my god you're making me flustered!" I said walking out the bathroom I could hear her footsteps behind me.

"D-Did you use protection?!"

"Huh, I don't know…I was really into it so I never had the time to think about stuff like that it happened already." I said laughing uneasily why was I blushing I can't even fuck myself to fuck someone to even save my fucking life I will nose bleed the minute skin to skin takes place.

"What do you mean?! You know you could get pregnant right?! Even though the baby would die, and STIs and HIVs aren't you the OCD person."

"I…Actually….."

"Oh My God….who the hell fucked you"

I paled.

My ego…my fucking ego. Am I not even seen in the sexual light? My soul liquefied as I walked slowly.

"Whoa I never meant it like who fucked you I meant like who is the guy- it can't be Uta…he was warned. And you barely dated before that so this happened without my knowledge"

I flinched. "I lied I lied. I never did….and it's not Uta….it no one." I confessed plopping into her bed as I pulled my legs to my chest. "I haven't even heard from him….he doesn't call or text."

"I understand it's the situation with your phone. Call him with mine you idiot" she said puffing her cheeks as she handed me the phone and began getting dressed.

I called his number and it rang for a while until he picked up.

"Uta..."

There was silence on the other end then suddenly the call disconnected.

"He hung up on me…" I muttered in disbelief. Itori walked over to me and took the phone out my hand as I stood there in shock. He really picked up the call I know he did and when I spoke there was silence….then he hung up.

"Maybe you're being a little clingy; give him time and some space."

I turned to her and sighed. I really felt defeated for some reason because he honestly picked up…and then hung up.

"Umm did you go hunting tonight?" I asked trying to change the topic.

"Actually…we both went hunting tonight, Uta and I." She replied looking at me with a saddened expression.

"Oh," I murmured walking out her room. It's no use…the conversation went right back to him.

"Kaichi~ I can't manage seeing you like this!" Itori said grabbing my shoulders turning me to her. "I know it's not easy but you have to bare it. He is trying to make it traceless as if he doesn't even exist. You have to understand he is doing this more for you than he is for himself." She added looking at me.

"Wait, did he- did he say that?"

"No it's- it's just obvious. If he never cared he would be here right now like he usually is but think about it. With you having full attention from CCG if they find out you know someone as notorious as Uta and not only are you affiliated with him but you share an intimate relationship. Your death penalty will be at your door faster than you expect."

"But I don't like that! Why couldn't I be a ghoul, like you- I which I was like you?" Itori stared at me blankly and I looked back at her. I felt the inside of me curling and tugging on all corners of my body, I felt like I was going to be sick. I really wanted to see him and I wanted this situation to end. "Itori…"

I witnessed the tears streaking down her face as she turned away. What- what just happened?

"Itori, I'm sorry…did I say something mean."

I held her hand my fingers lacing in hers as I stood there watching her wipe the tears from her face. Honestly this is the first time I've seen her cry.

"Sorry ahhh," She turned to me smiling softly. Wow she's really pretty; then again right now instead of her physical appearance I needed to focus more on exactly what was going on in her heart. Her emotions.

"Itori I'm sorry if I said anything hurtful. I never intended to make you cry and because of that I'm really sorry."

"You never did anything wrong, it's more surprising that's why I cried. Never had I heard a human say they wish they were a ghoul; ghouls who have always lived in the dark under deception and misconception, away from the human eye. We always wanted to live the lives you had, to not be able to hide, to actually be a part of what you call….society."

"Don't say that, don't you dare say that!" I said looking her in the eyes. "You are a part of society, you're a part of my society, you are in my life and that says a lot. If no one wants to accept you, I will, I've known you nearly all my life and a month ago or so I discovered you're a ghoul and look…nothing has changed. We still laugh together, we still live together….nothing-has-changed. And it never will."

She smiled at me and pinched my cheeks.

"Kaichi you're so adorable when you're upset."

"Nuuu stop that hurts," I fussed pushing her hand away. "I'm not upset I just really care about you." I said puffing my cheek looking away. Now I felt a little embarrassed at the things I said still I wanted to make it clear, nobody makes her cry, not even me.

I looked up at her and she was still looking at me with those soft eyes making me feel all mushy inside.

"What….d-don't you have work tonight?"

"No…but you know I want to hug you so come for it."

I pouted and walked into her embrace resting my face on her pillow chest. Pillow chests are awesome. The warm fragrance of vanilla and rosemary entering my nose as I hugged her back feeling really comfy.

"Kaichi lets have movie night."

"Eh- say what?"

"Let's have movie night, let's watch movies and eat popcorn."

"O-Okay…"

That night we stayed up watching scary movies. And of course watching scary movies always makes me alert. While I'm flinching and cowering behind Itori in the couch she is laughing and enjoying it to the fullest.

The next day at training Shinohara taught me some new moves. Defensive attacks and how to paralyze your opponent. The last 30 minutes we spent in meditation doing breathing exercises helping me to be aware of how to control my breath which calms my heart since keeping composure and taking control of your body was something essential when facing a ghoul so that you can focus on escaping rather than the panic you face from the fear of going to be attacked or eaten.

"Shinohara-san, can I ask you something about ghouls?" I asked once we were finished and we began packing up. Suzaya didn't come today because he was under punishment for something rude he had done.

"No problem, ask away!"

"Aumm, if you were in a position where there was a newborn ghoul, in other words a baby, who hasn't killed a human as yet…just being born…would you kill it."

He looked at me for a minute and then looked around the room almost like he was searching for an answer. "Miss Terresi are you asking me- or the CCG."

"The CCG."

"Then I believe they would take it into custody, the infant wouldn't survive it's a baby and it needs to be fed. It can't eat human food but it would need to be nurtured by the mother, I guess it will lead to eventual death."

"So technically, killing it."

"….yes."

"Oh," I replied looking away but then I turned back to him curiously, "b-but what if it were you, what if you were the one that found it?"

"W-Well….it depends…if the mother was there. To be honest I wouldn't kill that child. It's too young to be given death so early and it hasn't committed any crime."

Shinohara is a good guy. If it was me I wouldn't kill the baby either. But maybe this was the answer I wanted to hear.

What was really the purpose for ghouls who killed to survive and the purpose for those who killed from hatred? What was the purpose of killing them? What was the source of their crime?

What made them murderers and at them same time- unjustified their invulnerability to starvation?

This chapter was so hard. It was basically difficult. Please leave your reviews below. They are greatly enjoyed!