Shades
Pairing: Gaa/Neji and Naru/Sasu
Genre: Angst/Romance
Fair warning, I'm going way off tangent this time, whole different field. I'm shamelessly ripping off 'Shades of Grey', the title, the actions, some of the plot and all of the freaking hotness.
Disclaimer: I do not own "Naruto" or "Shades of Grey." The honours go to Masashi Kishimoto and E.L James respectively.
Warning: BDSM, sadism drugs, alcohol, snark, kink and sex and lots of it. I will not be responsible if little kids get corrupted, just sayin'.
Summary: "I always wonder why some of Kohona's elite like you turn up on this particular side of the track…" a smoky voice materialized out of the gloom, "but then again, you wouldn't believe how much of your kind ends up down here." Those were the first words Neji Hyuuga heard while squinting in the thick darkness. Pity he didn't know those words would change his life.
Chapter 18: Life; Restored.
Listen To; 'I Don't Wanna Live Forever' By Zayne And Taylor Swift. (I just adjusted some of the lyrics for my dastardly devices, note the underline)
I don't wanna live forever
'Cause I know I'll be living in pain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home….
6 months later...The IIF subsidiary, Location Unknown, Infirmary. 10:06 p.m.
…Beep…
…..Beep….
….Beep…. beep…. beep….
It was the low sound that made hazed green eyes slowly blink open into the dark empty room. Slowly the sight registered in his mind; clinical and simplistic surrounding, bare wall only highlighted with green buttons and dull glowing LED strips, the strong smell of antiseptic around him and the touch of soft cloth beneath him.
A pale arm lifted to see tubes of intravenous tubes inserted into his veins and a pulse monitor attached to his index finger. Pale eyelids closed again; Gaara's brain started to put the pieces together and knew where he was; he was in an IIF hospital room.
Before he gathered the strength to say anything he ran a mental check over himself, bringing up his name, age and occupation. Eyes closed and breathing the hazy picture of a beautiful mahogany haired and silver eyed boy fluttered across his mind; Neji; his baby.
"Gamma," Gaara croaked the invisible virtual presence that monitored all the IIF headquarters, "Time and date."
"Ten oh eight post meridiem local time, Agent Sabaku, the seventh of November, 2017, one hundred and seventy-six days after you were rescued from Shanghai." The cultured invisible voice answered instantly.
Wait… what? Gaara did a quick mental calculation and if he wasn't laying on the bed he might have fallen to the floor. Almost –six –fucking –months. FUCK! Neji had to be-oh god, Gaara didn't even want to think of what was happening with his baby now.
"Full diagnosis," Gaara ordered again barely controlling his shock.
"Under cursory scan your body temperature is stable, pulse rate stable, vision, auditory, olfaction and somato-sensation senses are the same, cerebrospinal fluid level are optimal, so are your neurotransmitters. Your Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Epinephrine, Seratonine, Glutamine, Histamine, are measured as level but your PEA levels are a little off though… are you anxious about something Agent?"
"Yes," Gaara replied trying to catch the thought fleeting at the edge of his consciousness, "But it's none of your business, continue."
"Very well," Gamma replied a little snidely, "Your musculoskeletal system is solid, your collagen, calcium phosphate and carbonate are on level and so are your phosphorous and magnesium levels too. Your bone density is 0.8, a little below normal but considering your inertia it is understandable."
"Anything else I should know about?" Gaara asked.
"Yes, actually," Gamma replied, "As of now, a conscious state you are indefinably decommissioned."
Gaara reacted at that, "What the fuck, I'm...are you telling me that… I'm fired?"
"Agent Green has approved your honourable dismissal months ago," Gamma rephrased smoothly.
Gaara took a minute to process that information. The IIF was his life; it made him who he was. It had given him the opportunity to use his considerable brilliance for good instead of the considerable evil he could had wreaked all over the country. It had given him a purpose, a mission for his life… what was he supposed to do after it was taken away?
"Where is Green?" Gaara managed to ask.
"The Director is currently off the island." Gamma replied.
"When will he come back?"
"Unknown." Gamma said.
"And I guess I'm fucking stuck here until he comes and officially gives me my walking papers, right?" Gaara said sardonically.
"On that subject yes, but the tone wasn't appreciated." Gamma sniffed.
Gaara rolled his eyes; whichever tech genius had programmed Gamma had to be some kind of touchy asshole.
"Fine," Gaara grunted eyes closed before he swallowed, "Gamma… Neji Hyuuga, do you have any information on him?"
"Hyuuga Neji, son of Hyuuga Hizashi and Rin Hyuuga nee Nohara is a freshman at Tokyo University in the Law faculty." Gaama replied. "I cannot access more information on your significant other."
"He's alive," Gaara breathed in relief while turning away, "That's all I want to know."
Sasuke and Naruto's apartment; a few blocks from the Tokyo University. 9:10 p.m.
Sasuke carefully toed off his sneakers before shrugging out of his jacket and tossing over the coat rack. Just inside he softly padded his way down the hall and in the kitchen square placed the bag of take-out on the tiled sectional counter.
"Baka," Sasuke called while taking out the sealed container of misro ramen, mushu pork and a box of pocky and then took out his roasted Kobe beef and rice. "Hey dobe, your pending heart attack is on the counter."
A door creaked open to reveal a bare-chested Naruto rubbing his wet hair with a towel and clearly hastily dragged on orange and blue boxers.
"Thanks bastard." The Uzumaki grinned with a quick peck to Sasuke's cheek. "I was wondered if you'd skipped town and left me to starve."
Snorting Sasuke flopped down on the loveseat that Naruto had bought by himself with his summer job money. It was a dark orange eyesore hailing from some forgotten decade in the sixties and was had galled the hell out of him but five months later Sasuke's retinas had gotten used to it.
"You damn well know where I went." Sasuke huffed snapping his chopsticks apart.
"Yeah," Naruto said soberly sitting beside him, "… How's he holding up?"
Sasuke sighed while listlessly digging into the box, "He breaking Naruto, Neji is falling apart."
A golden throat worked, "Damn… it's been what…five- six months now?"
"Yes," Sasuke despondently stabbed at a piece of meat before shoving the whole container further on the coffee table and away from him. "I hate to see him like this, he put on the best act but I can see that he's slowly dying inside…he still isn't eating much either..."
Placing his own food beside Sasuke's Naruto pulled the despondent Uchiha on his lap and into his arms. "… He'll snap out of it S'uke, you know he will."
Eyes trained on the far wall Sasuke pressed his forehead deeper into a warm neck, "I hope so."
Room 52, The Law Faculty Dorms, Tokyo University 10; 09 p.m
'I'm sittin' wide eyes wide behind theses four walls hopin' you'd call,
It's a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all…
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, I see you around in all these empty faces, up all night, all night and every day…
Neji, sitting on the window seat of his university dorm room, stared out the window blankly into the darkness beyond. It was the middle of the night and he knew he should be sleeping but sleep came very rarely to him these days.
He could be studying or he could be finishing his last essay but he had no strength to do so. All he could do was sit in silence… a habit that had been starting to set in for the last three weeks.
Curling his legs up to his chest the tired Hyuuga leaned his head on the wall behind him as his left hand went up in a practised notion to grasp the silver collar around his neck. His fingers that had memorised the inscription ran over the Ai sign once more but the small level of comfort that motion usually carried was near to nothing to him now.
Neji's eyelids fluttered down as stared out, wishing, hoping and praying that…that something, someone… anything at all would just tell him something about Gaara; the love of his life.
A month in Gaara's absence Neji had turned up at Gaara's house to find Juugo there with a grim expression on his face. The IIF agent had told him that they had lost contact with the redhead and that they didn't know if he was alive or not. Neji had gone back home in a daze; and every night after he prayed with everything in him that Gaara would come back home alive.
Four months ago, in an effort to do something, Neji had started to investigate Gaara's father's conviction. So zealous he was to do something to honour Gaara, Neji had dug so deep and investigated so strongly that he had found that it was Kazemi's secretary Yūra who had framed him. Even though he was still a law student Neji had used one of his professors and had gotten the supreme court of the five nations to start Sabaku's senior restitution.
And every day since that passed had Neji feeling like he was walking through a dry desert with no water. It was so cruel living in this state of epistemic ambivalence; he didn't know if Gaara was alive or dead and every day that passed made the pain worse. Months ago, weeks after Gaara had gone to Shanghai, Neji had gone back to Gaara's house just to sleep in the bed they had shared. To breathe in the scent of his clothes and to pretend that he hadn't made the most colossal mistake of his life.
Now he was in his dream school aiming for his dream career and it all felt…empty. There was no joy in anything outside of doing his schoolwork and getting good grades. His saving grace was that he had perfected a façade, at school he was the cool and collected Hyuuga but at home he was the saddened and slipping Neji.
Yes, he still went back home to see his family; Hinata who was now dating the Inuzuka while studying psychology and his Uncle who never failed to comfort him. Neji had gotten tired at seeing Hiashi's sympathetic look and had kept away from the compound just to not feel the palpable pity.
Most of his days were spent in the library doing research or homework or at home rereading the trilogy Gaara had sent him after he had thought he had messed up with the vicious beating of that guy in the bathroom.
Naruto and Sasuke were his only friends now and there were times when Neji felt sick at seeing them. The little gestures of love they showed each other made him feel alienated and depressed. It hurt seeing plain love around him when the only thing he felt was void- just like the darkness he was staring into.
His legs curled up a little tighter to his chin as his eyes started to burn with tears that wouldn't come. In the past few months Neji had cried so hard, every night on his bed only to wake up parched, his bed sheets stiff with dried tears and his eyes stinging. Even though he knew it was right to do, but Neji avoided going to the school's psychiatrist and just tried to power through his days.
One saving grace in his life was that he still kept up his martial arts, knowing that Gaara would be disappointed to know that he had gotten despondent. He had tried to keep the part of the Submissive agreement about his health and tried to eat regularly, but sometimes food felt tasteless and bland and sometime he skipped eating all together.
Down below in the small inner quad of the dorm a two coupled staggered onto the green, clearly drunk and giggling. One guy grabbed his girlfriend, lifted her up and spun her around as the other couple laughed and leaned on each other. They looked so happy, joybful and in love that a curl of crippling pain cut through the young man like a red hot lance.
After a minute of watching Neji got up and padded silently to his bedroom, flicked a nightlight on and sank warily into his bed. It had been a long hard day and just like the myriad ones before it he just wanted it to go away; be lost in the ether of his memories.
As his moonlit eyes slipped closed his hand closed over the pendant; the every present vision of green eyes and red hair flitted behind his eyes, "…Gaara."
The IIF subsidiary, Location Unknown, Infirmary. 09:25 a.m...5 days later.
Gaara's fist was going to be broken soon but he just didn't give a damn and kept banging on the bullet-proof glass that separated him from the doctors that he knew were observing him.
He needed to get the hell out of this prison. Every moment felt his life slipping away because his life had grey eyes and mahogany hair; Neji.
After three days in the IIF infirmary, Gaara had willed himself mobile and demanded to see Green, or whoever was looking on him through the CCTV (and there was someone, no doubt about that) to either get some fucking IIF official to come see him or let him the fuck out.
Gaara had pounded on the walls, shouting at Gamma and was on the verge of smashing everything in the room just so they could let him out. He didn't give a fuck about the charges for destruction of federal property, he could pay them ten times over, but he needed to get out!
Every night when the sedative seeped into his IV Gaara dreamt of Neji. He saw his baby's grey eyes wide in fright, clouded with misery or wet with tears and every time he reached out to touch Neji his hand would pass through him like Neji was made of nothing but air. He woke up screaming but no one came to him; even Gamma had gone silent.
He took to pacing the room, back and forth quickly, doing push up and crunches to get the sick energy inside him out but theses four walls were closing in on him.
He was on the verge of going crazy; the toxic mix of anger, fear, crippling worry and internal hatred of himself and that he had allowed Neji to go through half a year of worry and pain.
Sitting on the floor with eyes wide open, he tried to remember how the job in Shanghai had gone but the most he could remember was a woman screaming, a gunshot and the black. He theorized that the reason for his amnesia was that he might had gotten a blow to the head and had gone unconscious or the IIF had used their modified PKMzeta drug to give him that loss of memory; either way, he didn't give a damn.
His green eyes closed and the one image that was stuck behind his eyelids surged up again; Neji.
Damn it; he had never gotten the chance to tell Neji that he wanted them to be a real couple, that he was done with the scene life and he only wanted Neji. He had never fulfilled the promise of sparring or his fantasies of telling Neji that heart, whatever was left of it- was his.
He wanted to tell him that he wanted to wake up every morning to look into his beautiful gray eyes, to kiss him good morning, to spar with him, to provide for him and to taste his body every night. He hadn't gotten the chance to tell him that though he loved his job, he was done with being an expendable. He wanted to live just for Neji and that with his prodigious intelligence he could get any job in the world that he wanted.
Speaking of job, Gaara's eyes flit open to murderous slits, he hoped that the fucking son of a bitch Luther was halfway across the planet because if he didn't get Neji back he was fucking dead.
A small tension filled headache was blooming behind his eyes and Gaara leaned over to frame his face in his hands. God this was such a fucking cruel existence, living in this limbo not knowing what his lover was doing, not seeing his shy smile or his moonlit eyes darkened with lust. Not to hear his soft laugh or his knife-edged glare or feel his touch.
The pain built in his gut until he couldn't take it anymore and let out and pain filled roar. His back met the wall behind him as his hand pulled at his hair and he wanted to die. If this was living, in this cage without Neji he craved death because death would silence the pain he was in.
His knees drew up to his chest and he hunched over, short static breaths rattling his ribcage. Riotous colours ran before his eye, red, green, white, silver, black and blended together. Gaara knew what was happening, it hadn't happened in years after he had stopped the medication and used the club as his outlet. It was this…thing..this beast like entity hidden deep inside him was clamouring to get out.
This was the ugly that he had warned Neji about, the ugly that had nearly destroyed him and pushed him to suicide. Crunching over he breathed hard and deep, over and over again, trying to push the monster down and the moment Neji flashed behind his eyes it quietened.
Slowly, the rage died and the only thing that tempered it was the image of Neji; his lover; the second part of his soul and who he's give his life over to save.
It was through his calming breaths he heard Gamma say, "Agent Sabaku…Director Green is here and will see you."
Gaara jolted like an electric prod had stabbed him in the side and after internalising those words he asked, "When?"
"In approximately twenty-five seconds Agent."
Taking a deep breath in Gaara stood up and forced his usual stoic face over his featured and stood in the same spot of ground when the doorknob twisted.
Director Green steeped in not blinking an eye at Gaara's dishevelled person. His blue eyes easily met green and the stepped forward with a large envelope in his hand.
"Congratulations Agent Sabaku," Green said evenly, "Thanks you the cell in the Philippines has been broken, Danzo, Tobi and the leader Shion, are in custody and the sub-rings in China, Thailand and Japan have been broken too."
Gaara narrowed his eyes, " I have no memory of any of that."
"Good," Green replied, handing over the envelope, "Here is your new identity, history and well life… thank you for five years of exemplary service agent Sabaku."
Reaching out to take the envelope Gaara just tucked it under his arm, "Thank you, sir… is this just because of the successful completion of the job or did I say anything to you in my disorientated state?"
"Neither Agent Sabaku," Green replied, "This is just an inkling of mine, I believe that you have another goal in life now, correct?"
Shaking his head slightly Gaara didn't even wonder how Green knew about Neji. "Speaking off…your significant other has been a busy boy Agent Sabaku... in under three months he uncovered the plot of framing that had sent your father to jail, and currently Kazemi Sabaku is on the verge of a retrial."
Gaara literally stumbled back in shock and the words tumbled around his head like a cup full of dice. "Sir…are you telling that my father was framed?"
Green's lips twisted, "And Hyuuga Neji was the one to uncover it. The defence lawyer at that time, who, just like everyone else that believed politicians were all greedy savages didn't do any real digging into the matter and had basically thrown his hat into the ring with the prosecutors."
Clenching his teeth slightly Gaara asked, "Do you know who framed him?"
"Ah," Green smiled, "I think that is a question you should ask the one who uncovered the charade, don't you?"
Energy raced over Gaara's skin and his eyes widened, "I'm free to go and see…him?"
"I don't see why not." Green said holding out the door, "But I'd advise you to use the shower and the clean set of clothed Juugo so generously supplied us with. Down the hall and to your left."
Gaara didn't give one more look to his old boss and sped down the hall like a flash of lightning.
...Give me something, oh, but you say nothing….now I'm in a cab telling 'em where your place is…
The words were going through one ear and out the other. Once again Neji had no idea why he had gotten out of bed that morning when it felt so much easier to stay in one place and let time slip past him.
But nevertheless, he couldn't allow for his hard work, sacrifice and dedication to go to waste…even though each day felt emptier than the one before it. He had taken a bath, robotically washed his now meter and half long hair, dried and brushed it to shining perfection.
His clothes were as meticulous as ever, dark blue jeans, a soft white linen top with his collar laying underneath. He had even surprised himself by having a full cup of tea and some toast barely coated with some raspberry jam and a pop-tart. It wasn't a meal but it was more than he'd had in the last few days.
This was his second to last class of the day and Neji was wondering if he could make it to the end and go to that class that was all the way across the enormous faculty. He dreaded the trip as every step he took felt laden with a tonne of lead that was drawing him down and forcing him to stand in the same place.
Resting his listing head on a fist Neji blearily glanced down the half scribbled noted on his notebook and read the over, torts was his easiest class as he had memorized half of the textbook months before.
Oh god, how he wanted this…this sham of an existence to be over with and done. He didn't know how much more he could take before it all came crashing down on him like the basalt bolder that he felt was hanging over his head and swinging on a fraying rope.
This was just torture….unmitigated cruel torture.
The phone rang and jolted Neji out of his reverie. It was such a surprise to hear his phone ring because it no one really called him that much; if anyone did it was Sasuke, Hinata , his uncle of Sasuke's mother. Other than that, he wasn't close to anyone to have them call him.
The phone rang again and Neji ducked his head and pressed the answer button, "Mosh-"
"There is the heat of love, the pulsing rush of longing, the lover's whisper, irresistible, magic to make the sanest man go mad…"
A voice that Neji hadn't heard in over seven months nearly stilled his heart and he slapped a hand over his mouth. His eyes were wide and trembling and in his shock he dared ask… "….G-Gaara?"
"Yes baby, it's me," his long lost lover replied huskily, "I'm here, just outside the faculty…come out baby, please."
A strangled choke came from the young and his hand tightened over his mouth. It took Neji less than five seconds to dart up and not caring about his lecturer's alarmed call, bolted out of the room with his curtain of hair billowing behind him.
He darted down the long corridors to the front door and busted through them with his heart in his throat and eyes wide. There was no one there and just as he was about to spin around, warm arms circled his waist and he was pulled back onto a warm chest.
"No ring or roses…right..." Gaara murmured softly, "… Just my heart baby."
Not caring who was looking on Neji spun around and slammed his mouth on Gaara's as his arms reached up and grabbed his Dom's shirt in an unrelenting grip. He couldn't believe it. It was everything he wanted, everything he had prayed for, cried for, screamed for to get back, but in the here and now, it still felt impossible.
The furious kiss mellowed after a moment and Neji's couldn't help but bury his trembling head in his lover's neck as his chest dissolved into gasps. With Gaara's arms around him, it felt like everything was just sliding into place; that all his hopes, prayers and anguished cries were coming back to him full force. but instead darkened with misery, shining with light and hope. Gaara was back home, alive and holding him. Gaara was alive!
"You're back…" Neji whispered his voice trembling with hope as his gray eyes shifted in the way someone cannot believe what was just before their eyes.
"Yes Neji," Gaara replied while pressing a thumb under Neji's watering eyes. "I'm so sorry baby…I know you've been crying. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. I'm sorry that I didn't get to tell you how fucking much I love you and that I was ready to give it all up for you. I didn't get to tell you that I was done with the club and my job and every goddamn thing else that took me away from you. I'm sorry Neji. Baby, I want to wake up with you in my arms every morning for the rest of my life and of that doesn't happen my life will be so fucking empty, because there's no life without you."
A foreign thing lodged itself in Neji's throat as his soul mirrored every word that he just slipped out of his lover's mouth. He had wanted this for so long but a part of him still couldn't believe it; he needed some confirmation.
"You want to…to…" Neji said almost brokenly as visions of everything he had imagined for him and Gaara flitted across his mind; visions of a life together; as one. "Please tell me Gaara, please tell me you're back home for good this time and …with me, you're back home with me."
A pale forehead rested on Neji and deep green eyes met his, "Neji…baby, you are home."
….I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home….come back home….come back home.
Owari- Epilogue next.