Peridot's POV:
It's one thing to hope. To close your eyes and pretend like everything's the way it should be. To put on a smile and chock everything up to being perfectly normal.
It's another thing for it to actually be that way.
Peridot was tired of resigning herself. Tired of putting up a false bravado against something she didn't even rightfully understand. Tired of sleepless nights when all she could see when her lids shut were the faintest of colors. Blue colors. Telling her something she wasn't ready for.
She knew what this was. She wasn't a fool. She liked Lapis. Liked her like boys and girls liked one another. Liked her like Amethyst liked Pearl and Sapphire liked Ruby. She liked Lapis in a way she couldn't escape.
And she knew Lapis liked her. But it was so confusing- they'd be sitting and not speaking and that was fine because the silence was comfortable, but then something dark would suddenly be over the blue-haired girl's eyes- and Peridot couldn't understand it.
She spent hours trying to wrap her head around it. Around the distance Lapis would force between them. Then the way she'd untuck her tail and return, batting eyelashes and cocky smirks and knowing murmurs. Then she'd be gone again, without a day passing.
And Peridot couldn't understand. She should be the one playing the mind games. She should be the one running. She didn't even know if she liked girls for fuck's sake! But no, she was the stable one in all this. Not even questioning if there really was an "all this" or not.
It left her a groaning, aggravated, hair tugging mess when all was said and done. And it was ridiculously infuriating.
Lapis' POV:
Not even a week. Not a week since their little intervention, if that's what it was, along the outskirts of Funland. An entire week of school had passed without interaction outside of glances and brushes in the hall.
But Lapis was reeling.
She couldn't get over the sudden openness that came with the geeky blonde she'd first encountered. She couldn't go a day without watching her, the way she acted around other people. That Amethyst girl. Jamie? Jasmine? Whatever her name was. The teachers. She was a different person with them all.
She was a different person with Lapis. And the question that Lapis couldn't overcome was who was the real Peridot? Who was the girl behind the mask? Was it this quiet, but rather aggressive, cheeky geek? Was it this loud and obnoxious, but refreshingly emotional know-it-all? Was it both? Neither?
It could give anyone a migraine to keep trying to decipher that string of code.
Besides, Lapis found that... she really didn't mind either way. Whatever Peridot was, she was perfect. And that was what p*ssed Lapis off the most. That Peridot was something she couldn't be. And knew it.
Maybe that's why she did it.
Friday, finally. A chance to just shove already forgotten textbooks further into the confines of a locker and forget that such a thing as 'school' even existed in the first place. And a chance to do more than eye Peridot from across a crowded hallway.
She was nervous. Agitatingly so. Lapis wasn't sure when the last time she felt like this was, and it wasn't even over anything big. She was normally a jump right in, eff the outcome type person. But now... oh boy.
She actually found herself picking at the hem of her blouse, tugging it down, pushing loose strands of hair off her forehead and behind her ears. Then scowling and shaking her head and very nearly punching her locker when she realized what an idiot she was being. Who cared how she looked?
But, her teeth still chewed at the inside to her cheek as she found her feet pushing her forward, propelling her towards the still chattering blonde. Peridot was conversing with someone Lapis didn't know, a cute dark skinned girl that looked up at her as she approached with wild eyes the shade of pine wood. The smirk she was harboring dipped as the girl stared her down.
Peridot noticed her friend's sudden shift in attention, and her eyes shot back to land on Lapis. The smile that had been gracing her lips fluttered once, widening, before disappearing into a tight frown that was both unnerving and exciting. If such a thing was possible. Peridot had a way of making the impossible very much a reality.
"I'll just text you the answers, kay? Tell Sapphire I said hi, by the way," Peridot murmured to the girl, but her eyes stayed true to Lapis. Not meeting the girl's gaze, but still on her none the less.
Her friend nodded, shrugging to push the satchel she had swinging from one shoulder up further. "Yeah, okay. See ya later, Peri."
Lapis watched her walk away only with the corner of her eye. Her attention was solely on Peridot, though, she realized, and instead of making her roll her eyes at her own self, it made her wince. What was she even doing any more?
A beat of silence. Then a sharp breath on Peridot's end, and the blonde was suddenly twisting around, unable it seemed to tear her eyes away from the blue haired beauty fast enough. As if she'd been burned, or cut, or something just as violent. It made Lapis' fist clench again without warning.
"What do you want, Lazuli?" There was the girl she knew. Pushy and irritable, moody. Genuine in her dislike, just hesitant to let show that it didn't run bone deep. More an outer layer for protection than anything.
Lapis tried her best to smirk. It came across as a sneer, and she was silently thankful Peridot seemed content to keep her back to her. "To ask if you're free right now."
The way the muscles in Peri's back and shoulders tensed in mere milliseconds should have been answer enough. The way she couldn't seem able to find her voice, and the textbook in her hand slipped and banged within the confines of the locker. It should have been enough. It should had caused Lapis to back down.
But, instead, she found herself waiting. Prepared for the let down. Prepared to have to talk Peridot into it, guilt trip her even if necessary.
She didn't get a chance at any of that. Because Peridot was full of surprises. The kind that had her catching her breath. Had her subconsciously wiping sweaty palms on the thighs of her jeans. Had her wanting something unknown and new, yet somehow familiar and wondrous.
Peridot looked over her shoulder. Her face was bare. "Sure."
Lapis was speaking before her mind could catch up. "Then come with me."
Peridot took the outstretched hand.
She wasn't sure what it was about this place that drew her in like it did. It wasn't the beach, it wasn't the water. And there was almost always crowds. But... it was peaceful. And the scenery was calming.
It wasn't nature-ey like the places she'd been before. No overgrown grass and billowing plants and gorgeous, meticulously grown flower beds. Just, tranquil. Calm winds and swaying tree branches and a few well kept benches that couples and elderly persons would sit at to just breath and relax.
She wasn't sure who which of them needed it more right then.
Peridot took one look at the place and scrunched her nose, eyeing Lapis from afar as she walked over, arms crossed, and sat at the very edge of the farthest bench. Quite assuring.
Lapis scoffed at the attitude she was receiving. It reminded her of a five year old, the way Peridot pouted with her lip just slightly sticking out and her brows furrowed. As if it would get her anywhere. Where did she want it to get her, anyways?
But, agreeing to the silent terms that had been laid out, she found herself sitting at the edge of the farthest bench from the blonde and sighing rather loudly. Guilt tripping. It wasn't working, but whatever.
Peridot only looked away and watched groups and couples pass them, on their own routes to their own destinations.
"You know, this was supposed to be a date," Lapis offered, voice laced with subtle flirt but overflowing with humor.
It only got her an even quicker look away and once again tense shoulders. That was starting to p*ss her off. A little. But it wouldn't take long before she said something about it. The least Peridot could do was try. If she hadn't wanted this she shouldn't have agreed in the first place.
"Whatever," she heard lowly, almost inaudibly, but there was a shakiness to the word that caught her off guard. Was Peri... nervous? Sure, she seemed disinterested and bored, but nervous? That was... actually a win for Lapis.
At least, she thought so as she tried and failed to hide the half smirk, half smile that tugged at her lips. She slipped about halfway down her bench. "Oh come on, lighten up. What's got you so stiff today?"
No response. Just a very, very cross look and arms tightening over a chest that was already being strangled. Lapis huffed and deflated, slumping against the back of her bench. Her eyes fell upwards, towards the sky.
It was a clear afternoon, no clouds save wispy reminders of those that used to be. It was just endless blue-white and the burning ball of orange that was the sun and a breeze that was almost nonexistent in the best of ways.
The best of days.
So why did this feel like such a letdown?
"Lazuli?" It was a whisper. So quiet and so hesitant and so innocent it was almost lost. But Lapis caught it. Her gaze swiveled back to the blonde the second it registered with her brain.
Peridot didn't wait for her response, and burning emerald entranced Lapis in seconds. "I'm an idiot."
Lapis blinked. She didn't have a voice. Her mouth, lips, moved regardless. Then Peridot was looking away. Standing. Walking away. Leaving her alone.
That was the only thing that got through.
She was being left alone.
Again.
Nothing could prepare Lapis for the jolt that shot through her, the twist in her gut that was so physically painful it brought bile to her throat. Nothing prepared her to be standing just behind the blonde, hand gripping so tight to a thin wrist it was a miracle alone it didn't break. Nothing prepared her for the words that fell from her mouth when her body allowed her to speak.
"Please don't go. Not you, too." It was a whisper. A ghost. A memory. An ache.
Peridot stilled at her touch, rigid. Her breath was a shallow, unsteady exhale that barely made it past parted lips before being silenced by teeth digging into unsuspecting tongue. Lapis could only hold on. And watch. And fight down the urge to push away.
It was so easy to push away. To let Peridot go and continue on with her life. Forget the blonde ever existed. It would be too easy to talk her mother into moving again. Further away. Always away.
But, no. She was lying to herself. It wasn't an easy thing.
It had never been an easy thing.
Not the first time. Not this time. Never.
And she was scared by it all. Because none of it, of this, made sense. Not Peridot. Not how she herself reacted. Not how conflicted she felt. Not even the urge to run or to give in or... or...
Anything.
Moments. Seconds. She wasn't sure what unit was being measured anymore. It didn't matter. Not when Peridot looked back at her, eyes open and honest and so beautiful. Not when she spoke.
"This is insane, Lapis." She knew it was. "And I can't handle it." She knew that, too, though she didn't want to admit it. "I need to go. Now." She could have sworn there was a catch in the blonde's voice. She desperately wanted to believe there was a catch.
Her grip slackened though. Letting go. But not really.
"Please don't go," she repeated, this time surer. This time meaningfully. this time intently.
And there was so much happening in the emerald in Peri's eyes. There was confusion and confliction and worry and something else, something unrecognizable but just as deep. She wanted to know what it was. She wanted to feel it.
So she did the one thing she could think of. The only thing her mind told her was okay.
She placed her free hand, shaking and unsure and hesitant, to the blonde's forehead, unintentionally nudging her glasses down.
They slipped too far, fell from her face. But neither seemed to notice as they landed besides stock still feet.
Peridot stared. Hazily but unflinching. Lapis licked her lips. They both sighed. They both leaned forwards the smallest fraction.
But then Peridot was turning aside, pushing away from Lapis, forcing her to pull back her hands, relent her touch. She couldn't speak up against the action. Could only follow unspoken pleads and furrow her brows and long for something she felt would never be achieved.
Because she'd seen what that something was. Hidden in the depths of Peridot. Being forced down but threatening to rise.
Hate.
She saw it, in the half second before being forced away. She saw it now, clear as day, as she looked at the blonde before her. And she wanted to feel it too.
It would be so much easier.
But it was never that easy. And she couldn't hate Peridot to save her life. Or, to save her heart.
Maybe that was what made her want to cry as the thought flittered through her brain. That she couldn't give up on Peridot. That she couldn't let bygones be bygones. Not now. Not when every second she was with the blonde, even seconds like these where she felt out of place and wrong and horrid, she was facing an untimely truth.
Lapis really, really liked Peridot. Stupidly liked.
And it was only going to hurt them both.
A/N: First, nuts haha. Half an hour or so behind schedule.
Second, sorry guys, I'm just a huge angst lover haha. Everything I write seems to have it at times.
And lastly, I won't be able to post this weekend because of a family thing I'm attending but I will be back early next week. So stay awesome, and I'll see you guys very soon with another update (promise I won't drag out the angst TOO long haha)! -Sara