It was easy to slip back into normalcy with Amethyst. Always easy. Once word got around that her and Pearl had split, Peridot had been there. Tucking back her own problems, leaving them to boil on the back burner a while. Because Amethyst never left her hanging, so it was only fair she show the same dedication to a friend in a bind.
But Amethyst really didn't need her all that much. By the time they were talking again, the violet haired girl was almost back to her old self. Cracking jokes, shrugging off the prying eyes of those too nosy to mind their own business.
It helped that Sapphire talked to her. Something about that girl was just... relaxing. Assuring. Maybe that was why she and Ruby made such a great duo.
Lapis... there wasn't much from Lapis. After the initial house visit, she seemed to avoid Peridot. Not completely, not slipping into random classrooms or feigning bathroom breaks to get away. Just, disquieted. More removed.
Peridot hated that it actually hurt her. A little. Maybe.
But there wasn't much time to consider their relationship, whatever it was. Because the holidays were popping up, slow building and overhanging like an immersive cloud. And if there was one thing Peridot hated more than her mother's constant undermining, it was Christmas.
One day. She had it marked on her imaginary calendar. One more day of this hell before another one emerged. Maybe even worse than this one, given the chance.
Peridot huffed as she let her locker door fall shut, shouldering her bag and turning to make it to class before the last bell sounded. She'd made it all of three steps before a figure was there, looming beside her, shadowing her. She didn't even flinch, knowing who it was by sound alone.
She pushed up her glasses. "Are we on speaking terms again?"
Lapis shrugged, switching her books from one arm to the other. "Didn't realize we were off them."
The blonde shot her a glare, unable to help the way her hands twitched by her sides. "You seemed to be."
Her classroom, thank whatever spirit above you wanted. A subconscious sigh of relief fell from her lips as she paused at the doorway, hand poised to reach for the knob but waiting. Waiting for Lapis to leave. To keep walking.
She didn't.
She stopped right beside Peridot, eyeing the wooden structure leading into the classroom like it was some bizarre invention she'd never witnessed before. If Peridot had looked up, just a fraction of a beat, she'd have seen the way crystalline teeth worried a belittled bottom lip.
Another strike of silence, save the scurrying of peers and fading conversations. And nothing but the twist of a handle to get Peridot out of here before they were alone. Before she was tardy. Before whatever was hanging on Lapis' tongue found life.
Peridot couldn't bring herself to do it.
Her hand fell to her side. Her eyes slid sideways, eyeing the tanned skin of an arm. Unable to move up, look into blue she knew she'd be lost to.
"What?"
A very visible twitch as Lapis shifted in her spot, the sound of the bell overhead causing both to jump. Shrill and loud and piercing and damning all at once. A part of Peridot felt a twinge of panic jolt through her.
Then a hand gripping hers, fingers slipping between her own, filling in the spaces. Moving, walking, lightly jogging. A quiet distancing as they left the comfort of classes in session, heading down a hall all but abandoned. One or two stragglers, no teachers (by some miracle).
Peridot had never been as lost for words as she was when the door to an emptied classroom slid shut and they were delved into dark, save a sliver of light creeping in through the door's sad excuse for a window.
She didn't realize her breathing had sped up until Lapis dropped her books, the sound causing the blonde to yip, a hand coming across her mouth to silence her.
They stood that way for what felt like minutes. Lapis holding her breath, listening, as Peridot froze beneath her touch. In reality, it was mere seconds before a relieved huff escaped the taller girl's mouth and she let the blonde go, backing away to lean all too casually along the wall adjacent to a multitude of posters.
Peridot could only stare. What was happening? She knew Lapis was spontaneous, maybe even crazy, but this? They were ditching class, they were standing in off-limits territory. And as far as Peridot knew, she was about to become this girl's plaything.
She couldn't help that anger flared to life in her belly, twisting and searing. Only igniting the fear more. Only making Lapis look that much more insane. Only making this whole thing seem that much more ridiculous.
"What the hell is your problem?!" she half-whispered, half-hissed at a volume she felt couldn't possibly be heard outside this room. It didn't matter that the walls were more or less sound proof. Or that the hallways were clear. Anything could happen.
This proved that.
Lapis shook her head, sighing as her foot came out to toe against one of her scattered books and binders. "I'm sorry, alright? This wasn't the plan."
"The plan? The plan?! What the fuck, Lazuli?! If someone saw us,-"
"No one saw us, they'd have come in here by now," the taller girl snapped, eyes downcast and arms tightening against her chest. "Look, I just... I wasn't sure how to..."
She scoffed, at her own self, at the way, when she looked up, the blonde was glaring at her. It wasn't hard to see the way those emerald eyes were misting over, though, even with the lack of decent lighting. She felt something along the same lines as guilt bite at her.
"I'm not gonna hurt you or anything, alright? I just.. thought we might need to talk."
Peridot's teeth ground, even as that stupid lump threatened her in the back of her throat. "Oh and you couldn't wait, I don't know, four more hours?! Maybe even over break or something?!" She was aware her voice was pitching up, losing the whisper aspect and taking on more a venomous undertone. She couldn't really help it, though, even with the fear of being caught still ever present.
And it didn't help that Lapis was... smiling? Smiling?! At a time like this?! What the fu-
"You're voice gets all whiny when you're mad. It's kinda cute."
Peridot very nearly growled. Like, actually growled. It was enough that she kicked the binder by her feet hard enough to skid it all the way to the back of the room.
She wanted to cry. The panic at not being in class, knowing that someone would be alerted, that maybe even her mother would be called, sent her stomach into giant, edgy knots. The anger at being in some stupid room with this stupid person under these stupid circumstances was going to make her lose her mind.
And then to have Lapis tell her she was getting whiny? And that she was cute when she got that way?
Peridot whipped back around to face the taller girl, taking a steady step forward as her finger jutted out to point. "I'm leaving, right now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me," she seethed.
Lapis blinked, smile dipping at the corners just a smidge. Then she shrugged, letting her arms fall to her sides. "Okay. Fine."
And that was it. No, "oh don't go" or "we still have to talk, though" passing her lips. And it...
Well... Peridot wasn't sure what she felt about that.
She herself blinked, swallowed somehow. "Okay, fine," she mirrored, hand wavering as she stepped to the side, closer to the door.
Lapis' smile turned into a smirk, but she didn't move. Peridot took another step, eyes narrowing. Another step. Her hand reached out to feel for the handle she knew was in arm's reach now. Found it. Twisted it.
Paused.
"You... aren't gonna stop me?"
Lapis chuckled, and the sound was so genuine it caused Peridot to let go of the cool metal, her escape into freedom. She let herself look at Lapis, really look this time because up until now she'd been avoiding those eyes.
But she met them, headstrong. And wilted.
They were gentle in the worst of ways, alarming in the best. Deep and endearing, playfully taunting. Testing her. Asking her without words what she thought she was doing. Why she was trying so hard.
How could she answer that? How could she explain this feeling, this gut desire that wanted Lapis at her side all the time while simultaneously wanting her a continent away? How could she admit that she was actually okay with this, whatever this was, simply because it was Lapis, and she liked that? How could she say, with certainty, that she wanted to be left alone, when all she craved was the exact opposite?
How could she tell anyone what she felt, when she herself didn't want to be told?
The door was a thousand miles away. It was right at her back. It was a resounding blessing. It was a pitiful oblivion.
It was sturdy and true as her back hit it, as her arms hit it. It was dull and lifeless as the warmth of a body pressed to her front and slender digits dug against the pulse points of her wrists. It was meaningless, as another's nose danced against her own, a breath she didn't possess ghosting her lips and cheek.
"Because it's not up to me, Peridot." She more felt the words than heard them, more steady and far stronger than anything. "It's always been you."
Her eyelids fell without permission, lungs stilled without consent, legs quaked without warning. The only thing she did voluntarily was whimper, though it could have stood for so much, for nothing.
Another breath, another heartbeat felt by searching fingers. Another agonizing moment of distilled quiet, save the very blood rushing through her ears and overwhelming her mind.
An inch. The mere tipping of a head. That's all it would take to remove the gap. To end the suffering.
She forced her eyelids to inch up. Stared at a face so relaxed and so close it was dizzying. Found that there was no more strength left to even attempt to push away. Realized the feeling in her chest was the need to breath, aching and pleading.
So she gave up.
"Yo, P-dog, missed ya last block, dude," Amethyst offered as the blonde slipped into her place along side her friend.
"Sorry," she muttered, "got sidetracked." Her eyes glued to the table and didn't budge, even when her friend frowned and nudged her.
"Hey, you okay? It's not like you to miss. And I'm not liking that look. The table might burst into flames if you keep staring like that."
Peridot didn't even smirk. Instead, her mouth opened wordlessly, floundering for something that counted as sound. And even Amethyst wasn't blind to the way her hands twisted and folded together in her lap, trying to be out of sight beneath the table but failing.
The violet haired girl groaned, throwing her arm around the blonde and brushing it off (though she did scoff) when Peridot immediately tried twisting free. She managed two seconds before her attempts were cut short by the fiercest glare she was sure Amethyst had ever given her.
"Come on, dude, what is it? And I swear if you lie to me, I'll knock your ass out right here."
The blonde winced. Her shoulders slumped. Her head fell until an audible smack sounded at the contact of her forehead against the tabletop. She didn't move for several seconds, and the frown on her friend's face deepened in worry.
She was just about to threaten the girl again when Peridot finally spoke, though it was muffled and already little more than a whisper. "Lapis." It was the only thing she said, and for a moment it just hung in the air like a nuisance.
Then Amethyst was narrowing her eyes and jerking her head around to try and scope out the named issue. "Alright, what'd she do? If she hurt you I'll pound her face in." And there was real challenge in her voice, something rare and almost startling if Peridot could feel anything aside from the guilt and raw self hatred that coursed through her veins.
"No, other way round," she sighed, wishing she had the strength to raise her head just so she could slam it back down.
That gave Amethyst pause, and the blonde felt when her friend shifted, could just feel the way her eyes bore into the side of her head. "Wait, what?"
Peridot might have answered. Maybe. Okay, she wouldn't have, so it was kind of good that a distraction came. Until said distraction was actually named.
"So you're not gay," a voice spoke behind them, and Peridot didn't even need to look up to know it was Ruby. Didn't need to be a genius to hear the obvious smirk lilting through each syllable.
"Ruby, be nice," Sapphire could be heard whispering, and Peridot could just imagine the way she smirked regardless of her words.
"No way! Peri, you've got game." And an arm was wrapping round her shoulders overtop Amethyst's, which was still there, just adding to the weight she was slowing taking to consider was similar to having a building placed atop her chest.
And of course the violet haired girl was the first to question, though she herself was a little confused as well. "Hold up, what are you talking about?"
A shake as Ruby jerked her to the side in an awkward half hug. "Sapphire just told me that this chick," another jerk, as if to signify just who was being discussed, "was seen leaving an empty classroom with some babe."
And the arm Amethyst had around her stiffened, as did the entirety of Peridot's body.
Because they'd been seen. Lapis had said-
No. No, it wasn't Lapis' fault. It was hers. She had been the one all too eager to leave the second that bell rang. She had been the one practically sprinting down the hall. Because to be in that room a second longer, to look at Lapis a second longer, was to damn herself.
She'd so very nearly done it. So very nearly kissed the one girl that had ever attracted her. Would that have made her a hypocrite? Would that have made her gay? Does your first kiss really even count in cases like that?
"Woah, what?!" And then she was being jerked the opposite direction, up against Amethyst, and the back of her shirt was being gripped as her friend tried to get her to look up. She didn't want to. God, she didn't want to. But she did.
Only to be met with smirks and smiles and questioning but glinting gazes. Only to realize that the self hatred could only worsen.
"So, what, did ya turn her down or something?" Amethyst questioned, and even though there was still visible concern on her face she was eating this up like it was the best of meals.
"No way, you turned her down?" Ruby was asking then, and the whole while Sapphire's eyes were just on her. Just watching. And it felt like so much, too much, and she couldn't breath again and-
And of course she had to look up when Lapis walked in. Of course she had to be surrounded by questions, overwhelmed by anger, completely deluding her friends without even trying, when their eyes met.
And of course Lapis had to smile, even when they both knew it wasn't that simple. Not this time.
She felt sick. Physically ill, her stomach churning and the taste of bile riding her tongue. She couldn't even voice what she was doing as she jumped up, just did it.
It didn't matter that her friends were questioning and that Lapis hadn't looked away yet. It didn't matter that her legs were rubber and her stomach was a volcano that was seconds away from erupting and emptying. It didn't even matter that she was all too aware of the looks she was receiving as she ran through the lunch room, tears on her cheeks, hands to her mouth, knowing that someone would say something later. Knowing that she was prey to fall victim when someone needed the joke of the day.
Because this all was a joke. Some big, complicated, ridiculous joke. And she was always going to be the punch line.