Chapter 4

Alex made it home in one piece, but her stomach lurched as soon as she was in the door. After she cleaned up, she forced herself to eat something and then cried herself to sleep.

She didn't hear him come in the door three hours later.

Bobby saw her curled up in bed asleep, and he fought back the urge to climb in beside her. She was right. They needed time to sort this out.

Instead, he walked to the kitchen and sat down in front of her spent dinner plate, wondering if she'd eaten enough, and if it was healthy enough.

Bobby thought about his baby. He sighed and rested his chin on his hand. Once, she'd asked him what his stance was on abortion. He'd smartly quipped back, "I'll tell you what I think when I'm pregnant." She'd pressed him, and he'd finally said that people need options.

Now Bobby pondered his words. Now he was pregnant. Now he was considering the options, and he was surprised by what he felt. He was glad she didn't want to abort the pregnancy. Bobby Goren wanted to see his child.

He searched the drawers and came up with a piece of paper. He scrambled for a pen and finally sat down to scrawl her a note.

Dear Alex,

As I sit here writing, you are asleep in the bedroom, and our child is growing within you. I heard what you said about time and space and I know you are right. And yet I find myself here, in your quiet kitchen, my home too for these last several months.

I am drawn to you, Alex. Even with the storm clouds overhead, with the winds of change driving me completely off course, forcing us from each other, I find myself looking frantically for you in the turbulence.

I don't know what the future, our future, holds. I don't know if I can change.

I do know that I love you.

I know that I hate to see you suffering.

I know I'm the cause of much of that suffering.

I'm sorry for that, Alex. For all of it.

I'll give it some time.

Love,

…to you and our baby…

Bobby

He cleaned up her dirty dishes and left the note on the clean table for her to find in the morning. Bobby peeked in on her one more time, then turned and left, locking her in for the night.

She went to work late, but she made it in. Logan was quick to stop by her desk. "Everything okay?" He asked.

Alex gave him a half smile and shrugged. "More or less."

"You thought about the movies yet?"

"I'll let you know at closing time," she promised.

"How did it go?" Lewis asked, wiping his hands on a rag and waving Bobby into his office.

Bobby was restless, and Lewis knew that wasn't a good sign. He also looked like he hadn't slept.

"Did you know?" Bobby demanded.

"Did I know what?"

"She's pregnant, Lewis."

Lewis stared at him. He wasn't sure if he should congratulate Bobby or console him. "I didn't know, man." Lewis motioned to a chair and poured them both a styrofoam cup filled with coffee.

Bobby sat on an old, wheeled office chair. He noticed the black slicks on the front of the arms. Lewis' chair looked the same. Even the computer keyboard was stained with grease.

"What are you going to do?" Lewis asked, interrupting the mental inspection of his office.

"She wants to keep it. I want to keep it."

"Th-that's good, right? At least you agree."

"She wants to get back together."

Lewis said nothing, only waited. Bobby struggled, looking for words, but then just shook his head in some kind of angry and sad outburst.

"You don't think you can do it," Lewis said for him.

Bobby reluctantly nodded. "I've already screwed things up. Even you said so."

Lewis didn't disagree. He drank from his coffee cup, thinking again how he would change if he had the chance for a life with Alex Eames. "We're getting old, Bobby," he finally said.

"I'm set in my ways," was Bobby's excuse.

"Do you remember when we had to get the new upholstery for the mustang?"

"What?" Bobby was thrown by the change of topic.

"You didn't want to lose the white."

"Yeah, so?"

"It looks better black, don't you think?"

"Lewis, what does this have to do with anything?!"

"Doesn't it?"

"Y-yeah."

"Change is always hard for you, Bobby. But it's not always a disaster."

Bobby pursed his lips and mused on this a while. "The heater's on the fritz," he finally said.

"Bring her in, we'll work on her together."

"Yeah. Maybe soon."

Closing time came around, and Alex had actually made it through the afternoon without any morning sickness. Logan came by again. "Mike," she said. "I think I'll take you up on that movie."

He smiled, and they walked out of 1PP together.

She tried to concentrate on the movie, but it turned into a love story, and she couldn't help but notice the parallels to her own life. His note had been at the back of her mind all day. She wasn't surprised that he loved her, she'd always known he did. She wasn't surprised that he thought his dark moods were like a virus that would spread to anyone he had contact with. This was nothing new. She was surprised that he wanted the baby.

She'd told him she was keeping it, and she honestly didn't know where that came from. Now that she was thinking about things, she wasn't so sure. Alex had always wanted children, but ultimately, her career was more important. Had that changed since she met Bobby?

Maybe. At least she'd noticed she wasn't on a fast track to a Captain's chair anymore.

She was getting older, too. The doctor had warned her of the risks. She'd already failed the first test, some kind of protein that was high and might indicate the baby would have Downs Syndrome.

Might.

She thought maybe she could give the baby up for adoption, but reading Bobby's note made her rethink that. Besides, it had been so hard to give Nate to her sister. Alex wasn't sure she could carry a baby to term and hand it to someone else again.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt Mike's hand on hers. "You know, we don't have to stay," he whispered. "If this story is too—"

She looked over at him and gave his hand a squeeze. "It's okay." She let him go and Logan respectfully retracted his hand, putting it back in his lap.

Her thoughts continued, but she was feeling sick as she left the theater. He waited for her, concerned.

"I'm okay," she said when she returned.

"You're still sick?"

She sighed. "Not sick, exactly. Pregnant. But Logan, don't tell anyone. I'm just… having a hard time right now, that's all."

"It's Bobby's?"

She stared, and he knew the answer to the question.

"Your secret's safe with me. And Alex, if you need anything, you call me." He helped her bundle up and escorted her to her car.