Chapter 16

"You still haven't been clear about why you're really here," Dr. Tenorio said.

Bobby bristled. He ran his hand through his curls and looked away. "You're playing games with me."

She gave him a curious smile.

He reddened, and got to his feet. "You know exactly why I'm here, and yet you keep asking me that over and over again, trying to get me to say it."

"Have you said it yet?"

"No, I haven't s-s-said it… but you already know and I already know and Alex already knows, so what's the Goddamn point of saying it?!"

"I think you know that, as well."

"Well," he snarled, spinning around to face her, "if I already know so much, why the hell am I paying you?!" He fumed at her a moment, and then he turned and stormed out, grabbing his woolen coat off the peg by the door on the way.

After four days working an intense case, Alex was exhausted. She had only intended to rest a few minutes, but instead had fallen hard asleep. Now as she slowly came to, she realized it was much later than she thought. The window was no longer casting light into the room.

Night came early this time of year, so she had to look at the clock to see what time it was. The clock read 6:20. Bobby should have been home hours ago. She glanced out the window, and saw the same icy crust of snow clinging to the sill that she had been seeing for days. Icicles hung from the eaves of every house.

She knew it was still freezing outside, approaching negative temperatures. She couldn't help but think he may have been in an accident. Alex reached for her phone and dialed his number. It went straight to voicemail, and did nothing to alleviate her fear. Another thought popped into her mind, a possibility she'd been hoping she wouldn't have to consider again.

Alex walked out to the kitchen and made herself a plate. Thirty minutes. She'd give him thirty minutes to call her back, and then anything was fair game.

She had a sick feeling in her gut, and this time it wasn't morning sickness. Alex dialed Lewis, on the slim chance that they were together.

"Detective Alex!" he answered cheerfully. "How are you?"

"Okay, Lewis. Have you seen Bobby?"

Lewis closed his eyes. Oh no. "No, I haven't."

"He had his appointment today. He should have been home hours ago. I'm worried he may have been in an accident or something," she said. It was only half of a lie.

"I can go look for him," Lewis offered.

"No, Lewis. He could be anywhere. Just let me know if you hear from him."

"Okay, and you, too. Keep me posted." When Lewis hung up the phone, he turned it over in his hand. "Damn it, Bobby!" he said under his breath.

He'd gone to the bar, but he'd stopped at two. Bobby had spent the last three hours walking the City, slipping in and out of stores and restaurants whenever the cold got to him.

He'd been thinking about Alex. All day. And he expected he would think about her all night.

That ever present cloud hung over him again, and he knew he'd made yet another mistake. But he knew he was determined to keep trying, to keep trying as long as she would let him.

It hadn't been so bad earlier, but a snowstorm had begun, and the wind was blowing it sideways. Every way he turned, he got a blast in the eyes, or in his ear. He couldn't get away from it now. Bobby knew it was time to go home.

By the time he reached the subway tunnel, the snow had already soaked through his coat. Shivering, he boarded the train and came up at the other end. His teeth chattered as he quickly made his way back to the lot where the mustang was parked. Then Bobby turned it over and drove the rest of the way home.

He stood in front of the door and had the thought that he should have bought her flowers. In the dead of winter, yes, but he should have found her some decent flowers.

He fumbled for his keys, but they slipped from his numb fingers and landed in the snow covering the porch. Bobby bent down to retrieve them and slipped. He fell hard, landing with a grunt that she could hear inside.

Alex pulled the door open. "Bobby! Christ, are you all right?"

He managed to dig his keys out of the wet snow and get back to his feet. "Yeah, I'm okay," he said and followed her in, stamping the snow off his clothes and shoes.

"You're freezing," she said. "Are you drunk?"

Her question angered him. "No, I'm not drunk! Jesus Christ, Alex, there's ice outside. I slipped, that's all."

"Well, where the hell have you been?!" she asked, even as she pulled his wet coat from his arms.

"I've been… walking. Thinking."

"You've been out walking in this?" And then she realized his therapy session must not have gone well. Not that any of them had gone well. Alex clamped her mouth shut and was silent.

But Bobby was too cold to keep up the argument. He stripped out of his shirt and pants and headed for the shower in his boxers.

Alex scooped up his wet clothes and hung them strategically to dry.

He stayed in the shower a long time, but when he finally came out, he was still chilled. Bobby put on some old sweats he had in his drawer and came back out to the living room with his arms folded across his chest.

"I don't think I can keep doing this," Alex said, shaking her head.

"What? I'm doing what you asked, Alex! Dr. Tenorio… you told me to get counseling, and I'm doing it!" His teeth started chattering and he squeezed his arms tighter together.

"Bobby, you can't just keep disappearing all the time!"

"Look, Alex! If you want me to… to… change, then I'm going to have to do a lot of th-th-thinking… I have to have t-time to process all this…" His whole body was shivering now.

Alex gathered up the throw blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over him. "You're freezing," she said again. "Sit down."

Even as he did what she told him, he couldn't seem to stop arguing. "I t-told you before, didn't I? I'm-m doing my best! I guess," he shivered violently, "it's just not g-good enough."

Alex wrapped her arms around him, trying to send the warmth from her body into his. "Shhh," she soothed. "Relax, Bobby. Just relax." He continued to shiver under her embrace.

Alex clung to him, and as his body slowly stopped its tremors, she realized she was clinging to him as much for herself as for him. Her sister was right. She could raise her child alone, but it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted Bobby.