A Unerasable Mark

So I mentioned to a follower - on AO3 - in one of their comments - a long time ago - that I had a plot bunny spawn and that it was not a happy one. This just so happens to be that terrible plot bunny. No one dies, just so none of you start freaking out about that, but I'll let you read to find out why it's so unhappy.

(Shikamaru's POV - First Person)

Most people would think that pursuing happiness is the best way to obtain it. Sometimes it is, but for someone like me? -sighs- It's impossible. I'm just not mentally built that way. I love my family, my friends, my village, but none of them understand what it's like to be tortured and abused the way I was. Yes, it happened in a time that will never happen again, but it did happen.

And it's something I still haven't recovered from. I don't think I ever will. What's worse…is the fact that, in my mentally unstable state, I've done something so very, very stupid. So stupid, in fact, that I constantly berate myself for doing this one thing. Not that it changes anything…

I haven't said a word to anyone about it. I never will. I can't, I won't. Because giving voice to it will make it all the more real and it will only make things worse than they already are. My family and friends would poke and prod for me to just say such things unnecessarily, things that would ruin what I have now.

And I can't. I can't lose this. If I do, then I know that I will be losing something far more precious than anything I've ever known. Instinctively, I just know that saying anything will cause more pain than staying quiet will, because, even if I'm struggling with the pain, it won't wind up killing me the way admitting it out loud will. I'm not suicidal...at least, not anymore…

But the point is, I have a secret. One that I can never tell and it's left a mark that even my time under Hojo's blade could not create. And it's so stupid, to feel this way for a person that I know will never see me the way I see them. Especially since that person is happy with the way their life is going.

I, Nara Shikamaru - formerly Hyo Strife - am in love with one of my best friends and it's killing me to stay silent, but I will surely die if I ever say a thing to that person...

Because Neji is with someone he loves and whom loves him back and I cannot ruin my friendship with him over something so ridiculous. Not when being close to him is enough to keep me going...

It has to be enough…

Even if I go crazy

If it's because of you, it's okay

I want both heaven and hell to be you

I'm going to love you

Everything is breaking down because of you

But I can't live without you

Wanting you who doesn't want me

If it's my sin, I'll sweetly receive the punishment

I'm going to love you to death

I'm going to love you to death

Even if I can't open my eyes because darkness swallows me

Even if I am branded with a unerasable mark

Can I breathe with just that one love?

Can I endure it even if it hurts to death?

-Love You to Death by Taeyang

Endnotes: Yep. I went there. This is the plot bunny that spawned and would not die. Hopefully, it's angsty little ass will finally GO AWAY!

This is so AU it's way out into outer space. That being the case, you will never have to worry about this happening in the actual story. Lots of denial and running and excuses on Hyo|Shikamaru's part on why getting involved with him is a 'terrible idea. Why are you being so stubborn and dumb? I thought you were smarter than this!", but nothing like this.

I'm a terrible person for saying this, but… Happy angsting, everyone! XD

Also, altered the song just a tiny bit to make it fit better.

Also... Damn this site for eating my spaces... Songs don't work that way... AO3 doesn't have this problem... *pouts*