The Mourned

Thought of this at work a couple of days ago and decided to write it down and get it out to all of you!

Beware of angst!

Songs for this chapter - If Heaven Was Needing A Hero - Jo Dee Messina ( I recommend listening to this one for Hyo's POV)

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep - LEAH (Aerith's POV)

(Hyo's POV)

Hyo's steps echo quietly in the eerie silence of The Lost City of the Ancients holds. It feels like a reminder of what is no longer there, for there is no echo of laughter and calls to neighbors or family members. There are no animals or bird calls, no wind to rustle the leaves of the surrounding forest. He's unnerved by the silence despite the fact that this isn't the first time he's been here. Despite knowing that it certainly won't be the last time either, but, at least, the menacing feeling, that had pervaded the abandoned city before, is gone.

In it's place is a sense of sadness, a sense of loss. And maybe Hyo is just projecting his own grief onto the place, but it feels as if the City itself is mourning it's fallen people. He won't be surprised if it is, though. Aerith had taught him enough about the Lifestream and the world beyond the physical one for him not to dismiss the unexplainable as an impossibility. But the City, itself, isn't why he's here.

No, he's here for what is underneath the Lost City. He's here to lay flowers down where the final death of her people had occurred, forever denying this City - and the world of it's last angel. He's here to finally -properly- mourn for his fallen -beloved- sister. Returning to her grave site for the first time since her death is just the start, because between the need to stop Sephiroth and worrying about whether the world was going to end or not, Hyo hadn't time to mourn. Not when his brothers and the rest of AVALANCHE had needed him to be strong.

Not that he wants to mourn. No, he'd rather have his sister back, see her happy and smiling and loving as she always was in life. Hyo closes his eyes, grits his teeth and shakes his head against the weight that settles in his chest, against the burning behind his eyes. No. Not yet, he's not even where she was lain to rest.

It doesn't take him long to reach the pool of water where Zack and Cloud had released their heart, AVALANCHE's heart, and it all catches up to him. The memories slam through his barriers and his hands and knees hit the damp earth beneath him, his fingers digging deep furrows as a keening whine rips out of his throat, tears burning trails down his face. It isn't fair. It isn't right. She shouldn't be gone.

Why her? Why couldn't it have been him? He'd have gladly taken her place in a heartbeat. The world had taken the last true angel that it had from people who'd needed her more than he had been needed and it didn't make sense. It still doesn't make sense to him.

What does make sense is the guilt he feels. If he'd just been stronger, if he'd been faster, if he'd been better with healing materia she'd still be here. Here with AVALANCHE, her lovers, her mom. Goddess, he'd have taken on her fate just so that she wouldn't have be torn from the people who loved her so fucking much.

She'd been their light on even the darkest paths and he can still remember her smile, her laugh, the way her gentle eyes lit up with an unworldly love for life in all its forms. He remembers how she'd danced and sang and played and teased, full of energy and wonder and joy. All of those moments are gone now. Torn from them in an instant so quick that it hadn't registered until it was too late and they'd been made into memories that will one day fade and fray around the edges.

Worst of all, though, is the memory of the gentle, knowing smile that she'd held even in death. The worst part it the memory of the peaceful expression on her face, as if she'd always known that it would end this way and Hyo aches for the first sister he'd ever had. Aches for the denial she must have experienced. Aches for the fear she must have known. Aches for the desperation to live that would have had her pleading with the Goddess to let her stay and the resignation she must have felt before she came to peace with the knowledge she held.

And he wonders if there weren't signs before she suddenly disappeared, before she simply left them in the middle of the night without a word to anyone…

The part that hurts the most, though… He never got to say goodbye. None of them did. He's left broken and empty and bowed under the weight of a grief he does not know how to carry. A grief that he does not think he can carry.

Because how are people supposed to live with this? How are they supposed to move on, to move forwards, when everyday is just another moment of forcing themselves to get out of bed and going through the motions without feeling anything other than this crippling depression? When all they can think about is how different things would be if the person they'd lost was still with them?

How is he supposed to go through through life with the constant urge to turn to his sister for one reason or another, only to be reminded that she isn't there anymore? When he's reminded time and time again that she's gone and will never return, because she's gone somewhere he can't follow? How is he supposed to live with the happier memories he holds when they've all been tainted by her blood on his hands and the knowledge that she had possibly died in his arms?

And he wishes that he'd stayed up later that night. Wishes that he'd pestered her to watch the stars with him longer before she'd gone to snuggle with Zack and Cloud. Wishes that he'd found more reasons to spend time with her long before that night. Wishes he had let her drag him around and take more pictures of their time at Golden Saucer instead of hiding away from the crowds, because he will never have the chance to do any of those things with her anymore. And now...every new memory he'll make will be colored by his regret for not taking more time to live each moment he could have had with her.

She's gone and it's all his fault…

I came by today to see you

Though I had to let you know

If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time

I'd have held you and never let go

Oh it's kept me awake night wonderin'

I lie in the dark, just asking why?

I've always been told you won't be called home until it's your time

I remember the last time I saw you

Oh you held your head up proud

I laughed inside when I saw how you were standing out in the crowd

You're such a part of who I am

Now that part will just be void

No matter how much I need you now

Heaven needed you more

(Aerith's POV)

While there is peace in being part of the Lifestream, there is also grief. Because now all she can do is watch as one of her beloved family members grieves alone, without any support to help him pick up the shattered pieces of his heart. She knows that this is simply part of the life mortals must live, that it is nothing new and that the world does not stop turning for the grief of humans.

It doesn't stop her from wishing that she could somehow tell him that she isn't truly gone and that she never will be. It doesn't stop her from wanting to reach out and hold him. It doesn't stop her from wanting to tell him that it'll be okay and that he'll get through this. That one day this hurt will not be as strong and he'll learn to live and love and laugh again without guilt. That one day he won't feel the loss so keenly and he'll be able to look back on his memories fondly.

She wishes that she could somehow let him know that she's still here, watching over him even if he can't see her...

Oh, do not stand at my grave and cry

I am not there

I did not die

Endnotes: Honest truth, I fucking cried as wrote this. I knew that this one would hit me in the feels, but I didn't realize just how strongly it would hit me. I really should have known, because I know the loss of a sibling intimately and I should've known that my own experiences with death would have left its mark. I'm pretty emotionally wrung out now and I think my muse is as well.

Well, I hope you all enjoy this tear jerker.