Joji's eyes held sadness in them. He believed that by killing me, he was freeing me. Tears pooled in his eyes. "Forgive me, Rena. Please, I didn't want it to come to this," he whispered, pulling harder on the rope. He sank to his knees with me when I couldn't stand any longer.
Choking for any bit of air that I could get, I whacked at his arm. This is not happening! I've already cost Ieyasu his first-born son by not having the strength to protect our family. Leaning my body back, I thrust my arm out, searching around for anything to help me.
Joji leaned down closer to my face, a soft groan escaping his lips. "Please, don't resist. It's only going to make it more painful."
Swiping up a shard of the Sake bottle, I thrust it forward wildly. There had been no intended target, I only hoped to surprise him.
It was him who made the choking sounds now, his hands clutching at his own throat. Joji's eyes were wide with shock and fear. A look that he had plenty of times when he was young and under my care. The innocence showed on all his features. His body crumpled back, blood oozing out of the cut across his throat. "Re-na…" My name barely made it out of his mouth, blood filling his mouth.
The overwhelming instinct to protect a helpless boy took over and I closed the wound with my own hands, applying pressure. Searching around for any items to help stop the bleeding, I still took deep breaths to calm my racing heart. My eyes met his, and my entire body began to tense. He took my child from me. He had caused me so much pain for choosing to love Ieyasu. He believed that I should die for it.
His body stopped moving and the light behind his eyes dulled out. At some point, my trembling hands had released the pressure, and Joji had bled out around me. His warm blood had soaked through my kimono at my knees. Somewhere I had lost the will to save him. How could I do that to someone that had once been so dear to me?
The tent flapped behind me and Hideyoshi had rushed over. He spoke but I couldn't hear it. First, he checked to make sure that Joji was dead, and then he grabbed my shoulders, trying to shake me out of the daze. "Rena! What happened?"
My eyes scanned the area around us, replaying the scene over and over again. Each time, my mind went blank, burying the moment that I let go of Joji. The broken bottle of Sake, the rope that had nearly crushed my throat, and the blood that had cooled against my skin were all pieces of the attack. "Joji tried to kill me," I whispered, my voice cracking with pain. How did we end up here? I raised him… and he became this man I hardly recognized.
Hideyoshi took a look at the mess around me, and then gently helped me to my feet. When he was sure that I wouldn't fall back down, he released my arms. "Rena, why don't you go sit by the fire and I'll deal with this," he said softly, blocking my view of Joji's body.
My legs were sluggish, like attempting to move through quicksand. Managing to make it to the warm fire, I sank to the ground. The heat being emitted did little to cure the cold in my body. The tightness in my chest grew worse, making it hard to catch my breath. It seemed like the entire night passed by the time Hideyoshi returned, and yet, my mind still reeled.
The embers in the fire were snuffed out from the water, and Hideyoshi had finished packing away our things to continue the journey home. Since we hadn't slept, the rest of the journey back to Azuchi was mostly silent. I was in no space to have conversation.
Mitsunari met us by the front gates, a smile gracing his features. "Welcome Home Lord Hideyoshi, Lady Rena," he greeted kindly. His eyes widened, and he reached out to steady me as I dismounted. "Are you injured?"
"No," I answered softly, afraid that my voice wouldn't even work. With how little sleep I'd had since leaving here not so long ago, I should be tired. Exhausted. None of that was inside me. It was as if all those feelings had been snatched away, being replaced with an emptiness.
"Send a message to Ieyasu that he should return as soon as possible," Hideyoshi said, taking the reins of both horses.
Mitsunari still held onto my arms, glancing over me again to be sure that there were no injuries, but he replied, "Lord Ieyasu never left. A messenger met him on the edge of town to say that the skirmish had been resolved peacefully. We did have an influx of patients but aside from that, he's been in council meetings with Lord Nobunaga and Lord Mitsuhide."
He never… left?
I turned on my heel, intent on going straight to our home here in this town. Both of them called after me, but I ignored it. There was no power in this world that was going to keep me away from Ieyasu at this moment. No information had been gathered on this mission that would assist in the assassination investigation.
The maids and servants were silent at the sight of me. None dared to ask a single question when I entered the manor, instead, making themselves scarce. The study was empty, as was the bedroom. There were plenty of rooms in this manor that he could be in, and finally, when I slid the door to the small archive room, he was there.
"I asked not to be disturbed," he said, not giving a single glance in my direction. Scrolls and books were littered on the floor around him, the frustration showing in the mess. Discarding of the one in his hand, it clattered to the floor. It must be from waiting for my return, as he usually wouldn't make such a mess. Ieyasu had always been very organized.
Taking a few hesitant steps forward, I crouched down to retrieve a few of them. It was then that I could see the blood that stained my hands. The entire ride back, I had fixed my gaze forward, trying to keep the truth away. The books in my hands slid and spilt again on the floor.
An irritated sigh from him was cut short when our eyes met. "Rena? Is that blood?"
"It's not mine," I answered, sinking down to sit on the floor. My vision blurred as my hands began to reach out to retrieve one of leather books again. Gripping it with both hands, my chest began to tighten again. The weight of what Joji had done growing heavier.
Ieyasu went to shut the door to keep prying ears away and came to my side. He reached out to touch me but was startled when I slammed the book down against the floor. "What did he do?" he asked, a hint of anger behind those words but he tried to hide it.
Anger. That's what I felt. My heart ached with pain and it filled me entirely. "What did I do?" I countered, gripping the edges of the book tight enough to make my fingers ache. "Would everything be different if I hadn't gone at all? He gave no information. He only taunted me and my choices. It's infuriating! My choices were mine to make and I do not regret a single one of them!"
Except that isn't true in its full extent.
"I'm so angry!" I snapped, smacking the book down against the floor again. "I'm angry that I allowed him to do those things to me… to my child! I'm angry that he took my son away from me! He hated everything about my life to the point that he would rather me be dead than see me be happy with someone else." The mixed emotions inside made it difficult to decipher what I really felt about Joji. "He hated the person I have become. So, then, why does my heart hurt so much knowing that I'm the one who killed him?" It ached so much that I gripped the material of my kimono over it.
Ieyasu stayed silent, only shooing away the servants that came inquire about the noise. Even though he did not speak, I could feel his eyes watching me, listening to everything that I said.
I could hardly breath with the tightness in my chest and lungs, and the tears streamed down my cheeks. What has become of me? It's painful to know that I ended his life, but that was dull compared to the other truth that plagued my mind. Taking a deep breath, I continued, "But in that last moment, when I looked into his eyes and saw the burning hatred for you and me, I…" The words were stuck in my throat. It took several moments for me to get them out. "I let him die. I wanted him to die for all the pain and suffering he caused us."
"You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another. Joji chose to torment you, and it would have never ended if you always chose mercy," Ieyasu said, brushing my hair back from my face and tucking it behind my ear.
Lifting my head to meet his gaze, the tears still spilled. "Ieyasu… I'm so sorry," I breathed out, reaching to take his hand in my own trembling one. "I shouldn't have let him go back then, and I-"
"No, don't do that," Ieyasu cut me off, pulling me into a tight embrace. "The past cannot be changed. You're conflicted with the anger you feel for what Joji did, and the sadness of losing someone that had been under your care for so long. It's enough to have those feelings and let them out. But tomorrow, you will forgive yourself and let go of the monster who has haunted you for all these years."
Though my state only worsened, with more tears and sobs that racked my whole body, I took solace in those words. I married a wise man, and he was right. The pain I feel in this moment will pass. Tomorrow will be a new day and though this guilt would not be easily erased, clarity will be present. But for tonight, I can allow myself to mourn the loss of a once-called friend.