March
Two weeks have passed since their trip to New York. Both girls find that things have changed for the better, although neither one of them can describe it. Since their first night together, the dynamic of their relationship has changed. They seem to understand each other more easily, like Maura senses when her girlfriend hasn't slept well, even when nobody else notices. There don't have to be any physical changes, like dark circles under the brunette's eyes, but it'll be in the twitch of an eyebrow or a movement of an arm.
Jane's entire family now knows that they're together. Everyone is happy for them, and Maura finally feels at home somewhere. Walking inside Jane's house feels like coming home, although nothing ever feels as good as being held by her girlfriend. Angela treats her like a second daughter, Frankie and Tommy love her like she's their sister. On the other hand, the blonde still hasn't heard anything from her mother, but she finds that it doesn't bother her anymore. She knows that Constance helped arrange their trip, but that's all. No phone call, email or text since their fight at Christmas.
Jane hasn't heard anything from her father either, and Maura thinks that's probably for the best. As far as she can tell, the Rizzoli's are getting their lives back on track, and the blonde hopes that Frank Rizzoli will stay far away from his family. The brunette is still hurt by the way he treated her and her family, and Maura can only hope that Jane will share how she's feeling.
Really talking to each other has been hard though. Since New York, Jane and Maura have only spent time together during the weekends. Their schedules are filled with school activities, deadlines and sport practices. They barely see each on weekdays, only during lunch break and at their lockers to have a quick chat about how everything's going.
So when Maura slides under her covers after her Friday evening practice and texts Jane, she isn't worried when the brunette doesn't respond. It's 11PM after all, and the brunette will probably have already fallen asleep after another busy week. When her girlfriend wakes up and sees the message, she'll immediately respond, and Maura takes comfort in the thought of waking up to a text from her favorite person in the world. The blonde puts her phone on the night stand and switches off the light, falling asleep within minutes.
..
It's 3:50 AM when the sounds of Sugar Plum Fairy pull the blonde from her comfortable sleep. She rolls over and it takes her a few seconds to realize that it's her ring tone, so she looks over at her phone to confirm it. The screen lights up again, and she presses the 'accept' button without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?" she says, laying back down on the mattress.
"Maura."
All she needs to hear is one word from Frost to immediately sit up straight in bed. "Barry? What's wrong?"
"Can you come to my place?" he says urgently, and the tone of his voice is still the same. Maura still doesn't know what's going on, but she's already up, pulling the nearest sweater over her bare chest. She grabs a pair of leggings from her closet and puts her phone on speaker to put them on.
"What's going on, Barry?" she repeats, worry evident in her voice.
"I just pulled Jane from some kind of bar, completely drunk. I don't know what's going on. Now she's just sitting here in my kitchen, she's having another beer because she almost hit me in my face when I denied getting one for her. You have to come, Maura."
The blonde runs down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. She double checks for her phone before she grabs her car keys, although she hasn't driven in ages. She just wants to be at Barry's house as quickly as possible.
An advantage of a late night drive like this is that the roads are clear, making Maura's drive a lot easier. It doesn't even take ten minutes to get to her friend's house, but it certainly feels like a lifetime. When she takes a right turn into Barry's street, she checks for other cars before she one-handedly texts him that she has arrived. When she gets out of the car, Barry opens the front door and she can walk right inside.
"Thank you for coming over so quickly," he says, although unnecessary. Why wouldn't she come?
"Where is she?" she asks, not even bothering to take off her coat.
"In the kitchen." Barry closes the front door behind them so Maura can make her way into the kitchen. There's her girlfriend, sitting on one of the bar stools. Her left cheek is in her hand and her hair in front of her face, making it impossible for Maura to immediately see her girlfriend's expression.
"Jay? It's me, Maura," she says, placing her hand on her girlfriend's shoulder. The brunette doesn't respond immediately, so Maura makes her way over to the other side of her.
"Jane, can you look at me?" she says, now standing in front of the bar stool her girlfriend is sitting brunette still doesn't answer, instead wants to take another swig of her beer. Maura grabs her girlfriend's wrist before the bottle reaches her lips, and slams the glass back on the table. Luckily, it doesn't break.
"Jane Rizzoli. Stop this right now and talk to me."
Her girlfriend finally lifts her head and dark brown, heavily dilated pupils meet hers. Although it hurts Maura to see her girlfriend like this, she wills herself to be strong and figure out what's going on.
Jane opens her mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a sob. Her hand immediately shoots up to cover her mouth, and Maura stands still for a second, too stunned to do anything.
When another sob pulls its way from Jane's mouth, Maura steps in and pulls her girlfriend in her arms, holding her to her chest. "Hey. Shh, honey. It's alright."
Jane buries her head in the crook of Maura's neck and the blonde looks at Barry, questioningly. He simply shrugs and mouths 'I don't know'.
Neither one of them knows how long it takes for Jane to calm down, but at least ten minutes must've passed before the brunette's breathing slows down again and she untangles herself from Maura's arms to wipe away a few tears. "I'ms s sorry," she slurs, and she blinks a few times, trying to clear her head. It doesn't really work.
Maura turns towards Frost, who has no idea how to handle this situation. "I'll take her home with me, okay? And I'll text to let you know how she's doing."
Her friend nods. "Do you need anything? Can I help you with something?"
"Um," Maura stops, thinking. "Maybe you can help me get her into my car? I don't think she can walk by herself, and although she's not heavy, I doubt I can carry her when she's uncooperative."
"Yeah, okay," Barry replies, and he walks towards them to wrap an arm around the brunette's back. "Ready?" he says, more to Maura than to Jane.
Now it's Maura's turn to nod, and they pull Jane off the bar stool with ease. Surprisingly, the brunette doesn't fall, although she can't exactly walk in straight lines. But they get her into Maura's car without any problems, and Maura thanks Barry for calling her.
"Good luck with her, I guess," he says, motioning towards Jane. "And if you need anything ..."
"I'll let you know," Maura fills in. "Thank you, again. Now get back to bed, I'm sure you could use your sleep."
Like both girls, Barry has had a rough week as well, and it doesn't take a professional to see the dark circles under his eyes. He smiles before putting his hand up in the air as a silent goodbye, and Maura closes her car door before driving back to her house, Jane safely with her in the car.
..
"I feel sick, Maur," Jane slurs again. They've just reached Maura's house, and the blonde locks the front door behind them.
"Come with me, Jane. Go to the bathroom," Maura says, gently pushing the brunette forwards.
They reach the bathroom just in time, because when Maura closes the door behind her and turns around, Jane is already sitting on her knees in front of the toilet, leaning on her elbows to support her shaking body. Maura is there when the first wave of sickness hits the brunette, and she's there to tuck dark brown curls behind Jane's ears when the second wave of sickness hits. Maura pulls her hair tie out of her own hair, and puts Jane's up in a ponytail, wrapping her hair tie around the messy curls.
They sit there for what feels like hours, until Jane's body has finally decided that it's enough. Maura helps her up, and Jane finds that she feels a little better now that most of the alcohol has left her system. The room still spins when she stands, but not as bad as it did before. Maura's face swims into view, and lines of worry are etched into it. "Sorry," she manages to whisper, voice hoarse from throwing up. She wills herself not to cry when Maura's hand gently guides her out of the bathroom, but it doesn't work. Tears make their way down her cheeks again, and she blames the alcohol for making her so emotional. She feels shitty, both physically and mentally, and she hates herself for doing this to her girlfriend. She finds that she cannot stop crying, even though she really wants to.
There are still tears running down Jane's cheeks when Maura undresses her and makes her drink a glass of water, before slipping a t-shirt over her head. Maura helps her into bed before pulling the covers over the both of them. The brunette immediately curls up, folding herself into Maura as much as possible. The blonde has never seen Jane like this, and is at a loss. She has no idea what to do, so she simply holds her girlfriend and hopes that Jane calms down.
Luckily, the alcohol has made the brunette hazy, and it doesn't take long for her to fall asleep.
But Maura doesn't sleep. Not for hours.
..
..
When Jane wakes up, the first thing she realizes is that she isn't at home. She's laying in Maura's bed, and the blonde is nowhere to be found. She has a terrible headache, and knows that can only come from one thing.
Oh shit, what did I do last night?
The brunette swings her legs over the edge of the bed and pushes herself up. A spell of dizziness hits her, and she has to hold onto the wall to keep standing. "Maur?" she calls out, voice still hoarse. "Maura?"
Jane stands still, listening for an answer.
"I'm here," a soft voice calls out from downstairs. "Do you need help?"
"No, I'm fine," the brunette answers. She sees her clothes hanging over a chair in the corner of Maura's room, and she looks down to confirm what she thinks. Maura undressed her last night, and made her change into a t-shirt.
She doesn't remember any of it.
Standing still once again, Jane pulls the hair tie from her hair and runs her hand through it. What the hell happened yesterday?
"Come on," she says to herself. "Think. What do you remember?"
The brunette forces herself to focus on the events of last night. She remembers going home after soccer practice, and she remembers crying in the shower. An image of a bar pops up in her mind. I must've gone there. The next thing she remembers is sitting on a bar stool in that same bar, ordering drinks until the bartender said she couldn't have more. She doesn't know what happened after that, until she remembers sitting on another bar stool, this time not in a bar. Okay, that's Frost's house. What is Maura doing there?
She finds that she cannot remember what happened at Frost's house, or what she said while she was there. The next thing she remembers is hugging a toilet, throwing up until she couldn't anymore. Maura was there. She pulled my hair back, Jane thinks. But that's as far as she gets.
She decides to go downstairs and look for her girlfriend. Walking down the stairs is a difficult task, but she manages to do it without falling. She's still dizzy, but at least she isn't feeling sick.
Maura's in the kitchen, because a strong smell of coffee hits Jane when she rounds the corner towards the living room. She walks through the living room into the kitchen, and there's her girlfriend, still wearing her nightgown, hair up in a loose ponytail. Although she still looks beautiful, the blonde looks as if she hasn't slept at all.
"Are you okay?" Jane asks, walking towards the kitchen island.
"I think I should be the one asking that question," the blonde says. She's clearly upset, and Jane doesn't blame her. The brunette stays silent, not wanting to upset her girlfriend even more.
"Do you remember last night?" Maura says, and Jane doesn't miss the tremble in her girlfriend's voice.
"Yeah, for the most part," the brunette replies, stepping in to wipe a tear from Maura's cheek. "Honey, I didn't want you to worry," she adds, opening her arms for her girlfriend to step into them. Maura complies, wrapping her arms around the skinny frame in front of her.
"Jay," she mumbles against the soft fabric of the brunette's t-shirt. "What the hell where you thinking?"
The brunette doesn't answer. She gently rubs her girlfriend's back until Maura pulls back, and hazel eyes meet hers. "I mean it, Jay. What's going on?"
"Can we just, not talk about this right now?" Jane tries, although she expects she won't be getting out of this. But she really doesn't want to talk about it, her head is killing her and she just wants to go back to bed. So when the blonde doesn't answer, she tries another "Please, Maura. Not now."
"Okay," Maura replies, turning back around towards the coffee machine.
"Hey, Maur," Jane interferes quickly, wrapping her hand around her girlfriend's upper arm to keep her from walking away. "It's not that I don't want to talk," she starts, and the blonde automatically raises her eyebrows. "Okay, maybe I also don't want to talk. I know we have to, but just ... not right now. Please?"
Hazel eyes look at her intensely, searching her face for emotions. For once, Jane doesn't say anything about it, and she lets her girlfriend inspect her.
"When are we talking then?" Maura finally says.
"Umm," Jane hesitates, "I have a competition tomorrow, I'll be gone from ten till five. And I doubt my Ma will let me out after then, she's worried that I'll fail my exams- Fuck!"
The brunette looks around, searching for something. She blinks away the dizziness that comes with moving her head too fast, and then she sees it. Her jacket is hanging over one of the chairs, so she quickly walks towards it and pulls out her phone from her left pocket.
(11) missed calls
(7) new text messages
"Oh no," the brunette moans, making eye contact with her girlfriend. "My mother is going to kill me."
Jane presses the call button on her phone and it doesn't even ring for a second before her mother picks up.
"JANE RIZZOLI! Where have you been? I was worried sick!"
Maura hears Angela yelling from where she's standing, on the other side of the kitchen, and she can't suppress a laugh.
"Good morning to you too, Ma."
"Drop the attitude, young lady. Where have you been? Why aren't you answering your phone?" Angela still sounds mad, but the brunette hears relief in her mother's voice.
"I'm at Maura's and uhh, I forgot to tell you," Jane says, eyeing her girlfriend. "My phone was on vibrate, so I missed your calls. I'm sorry, Ma."
While Jane lets her mother rage at her for a couple more minutes, Maura makes breakfast for the both of them. The blonde holds up a package containing Greek yogurt, and Jane scrunches her nose, shaking her head. "I cannot let you have donuts for breakfast, Jane," the blonde says. "Especially not after so much alcohol. Your body has to recover."
The brunette shrugs, but eventually mouths 'fine' at her girlfriend, who gets two bowls and puts some fruit on the table.
After five minutes, Angela is finally done with her lecture, and the brunette disconnects before putting her phone back in the pocket of her jacket. She walks back to the table and takes a sip of her coffee.
"Do you have any painkillers?" Jane asks before taking another sip.
Maura looks at her with a look the brunette can't quite place. "Yeah, I'll get them for you. Why don't you start breakfast," she suggests, before making her way up the stairs.
..
..
The girls end up not having 'the talk' for an entire week, because multiple teachers think it's a good idea to set a deadline for the final papers at the end of March. Jane has to write a Spanish article and two other papers, finish her curriculum and make sure that all her grades are in the system before April 1st.
Maura also needs to write two papers and finish an experiment for chemistry, and because she agreed on doing an extra class, she has an extra paper to write.
On top of that, both girls need to send in their applications for universities this month.
Jane wants to go to the Police Academy and eventually work at BPD. Maura wants to study Medicine and become a Medical Examiner, so she has decided to apply for Boston University. She wants to do the Medical Education Program, which lets you into the Boston University Medical School. Although the blonde is worried about getting in, Jane doesn't doubt her abilities and is sure her girlfriend will get in.
So that's what the girls are doing in the library on Friday afternoon, sending in their applications.
"Are you sure I don't have to do anything else?" Maura asks, scanning her application form for the tenth time.
"Honey," Jane starts. "Look. It says here that you need to fill in this form and add your SAT scores for Chemistry and Math II. Languages would be appreciated, but you've already done that. What else can you do?"
Maura sighs. "Yeah, okay. I'm just worried."
"I know," the brunette says, "but there's nothing to be worried about. If you don't get in, who will?"
That makes the blonde smile, and she places a quick kiss on her girlfriend's lips. "Are you done already?"
"Yeah. I only had to fill in one form and make an appointment for a couple of tests," Jane replies, but Maura senses that something's off. She frowns, trying to pinpoint what she's feeling.
"What are you not telling me?" she finally asks, looking up at Jane.
The brunette is silent, but rolls her eyes. "Okay," she huffs. "Fine. I applied for the Academy and for BCU."
"BCU?" Maura questions, raising her eyebrows. "Why?"
"I'm not actually going, of course," Jane says. "There's no way I can afford it, I just want to know if I can get in. That's enough for me."
Maura thinks how she's going to respond to this. The brunette will never let her pay for it, although she's sure she could call her mother and ask for the money right away. But Jane doesn't actually want to go, she just wants to know if she can get in.
"Do you need validation?" Maura asks, although the real thing she wants to ask was Do you want to prove that you're good enough.
"Something like that."
With that, the brunette turns back to the computer screen, and Maura knows that Jane wants the conversation to be over. "Jay," she starts, but the brunette holds up her hand. "First I have to get this over with, okay? Then we'll talk. I promise," Jane says, lifting Maura's chin up to be able to kiss her. "I'll go home with you after school and you can ask me anything, alright? I know you still want to talk about last Friday."
Maura smiles briefly before looking back at her computer screen as well.
"Okay."
..
..
That's where they find themselves that evening, in Maura's house on the couch, a Spotify playlist playing in the background.
"Can I kiss you first?" the brunette asks, leaning in to press her lips against her girlfriend's cheek.
"You're just postponing our talk because you don't want to have one," the blonde counters, knowing full well what her girlfriend is doing.
"Maybe," Jane mumbles, but her hand is already on the back of Maura's neck, pulling her in for a kiss. And Maura can't deny the fact that her girlfriend is a really good kisser, because she momentarily forgets about everything. The brunette bites on her bottom lip softly, causing her to sigh, and suddenly those soft lips are on her neck, pressing kisses to the soft skin there. Maura holds her breath, already turned on, until she realizes that this is exactly what her girlfriend wants. She pulls back, meeting dark brown eyes.
"Jay," she breathes. "You're not getting out of this."
"I know," the brunette replies with a goofy smile, "but I distracted you for a while."
The blonde can't help but smile. Finally, she pushes Jane a little further away from her until they're sitting opposite each other, cross legged. Maura takes her girlfriend's hands to stop the brunette from fidgeting.
"Can you explain what happened on Friday?" she starts, looking into Jane's eyes.
"Really?" her girlfriend counters. "You're just going to start like that?"
Maura raises her eyebrows. "What else do you want me to say? This is what I want to know, Jane."
The brunette huffs. "Fine, but can I have my hands back? I already hate this, and no matter how much I love holding your hands, not being able to move them right now doesn't really calm my nerves."
The blonde immediately releases Jane's hands, and the brunette places them in her lap. "Okay, um, so," Jane stammers, avoiding eye contact. She takes a breath, inwardly scolding herself for her ridiculous behavior. It's just Maura, after all.
"I have these urges, I think you call them," she starts. "Sometimes I just want to, umm ..." Jane falls silent, not knowing how to put it into words. "I just want to hurt myself, if that makes sense." It doesn't make sense to Maura, but she listens, wanting to help.
"It's like I want to drink until I can't feel a single thing, and can't feel anything but the alcohol in my body. Sometimes I want to yell at Ma, or even Frankie, to fuck off and never talk to me again, and at those times there's this ... really bad feeling in my chest, Maur," Jane says, voice slightly hoarse from trying to keep her emotions at bay.
"Why haven't you told me this before?" Maura asks, looking into brown eyes.
"I just want to make you happy, and I don't want you to worry," Jane replies honestly.
"Being in a relationship doesn't just mean being happy together, Jane," the blonde starts. "It means being real with each other. There can't always be happiness in a relationship. Rough and troubling moments are part of a relationship as well. We need to solve that. Together. I let you be there for me after the fight with my mother. Let me be there for you now."
Jane lowers her eyes, and Maura can see the emotions flickering over her face like a light switch.
Embarrassed. Sad. Terrified. Sad again.
"What's going on, Jane?" the blonde asks, trying to keep her eyes from tearing up.
"I worry about not being good enough," the brunette starts. "Not good enough to get into the Academy. Not good enough to take care of my brothers and my family. And you." The last part is barely audible, but Maura hears it anyways.
"Then I just really want to hurt myself, you know? Like, deliberately get into a fight, or drink so much that my body can't take it anymore. It feels good at first, but then it makes me feel so much like Pop, and I wonder, what if I'm like him? What if one day I'll spend all my money on alcohol, or hurt the people I love? What if I'm just like him, Maura?"
The blonde can only shake her head in the silence that falls. No no no no. You're not, Jane.
"Then I think of all the ways Pop and I are alike, and that makes me hate myself even more, and then everything starts again."
Maura reaches up to cup her girlfriend's cheek. She feels desperate.
"I don't ... I ... Jane," she manages, not knowing how to formulate a correct sentence. The show of raw emotion and vulnerability from Jane, who's always hiding whatever she's feeling, it disturbs her. How couldn't she have seen? Is this really how Jane feels about herself?
She pulls the brunette closer until her forehead is leaning against Jane's collarbone. "You're nothing like him, Jay, you're not," she mumbles, feeling light-headed. "Believe me."
Jane wraps her arms around her, rubbing her back gently. I should be the one doing this, Maura thinks. I should be the one comforting her. Why can't I be strong? This thought unnerves her even more, and she tries sitting up, but the brunette holds her close. "No," Jane pleads, voice thick with emotion. "Stay."
Oh.
Oh, Jane.
Thinking back, there had been signs. So many signs, and Maura simply ignored all of them. She didn't want to see them, and it isn't until now that she realizes how selfish that was.
First of all, Jane had lost weight. Maura noticed that Jane didn't need to unbutton her pants to slip them over her hips, and that her belt wasn't tight enough anymore. When the blonde held her girlfriend, her ribs were more prominent, just like her hipbones. Jane blamed the weight loss on her extra soccer practices and running more often, when in reality those dark thoughts are the cause.
Secondly, the circles under the brunette's eyes had gotten darker, and the brunette was more jumpy than usual. Jane again simply blamed it on the fact that she worked on her school stuff until late in the evening. Maura had believed her.
Then there was the staring. There were times when Jane was completely zoned out, eyes fixated on one point, and Maura couldn't get her attention unless she physically touched her girlfriend. No amount of talking or calling her name could do the trick.
The blonde can't help but blame herself. She should have asked earlier. If she'd just asked when they were in New York, in the morning, talking about Ryleigh in bed. If she'd just ask, last Wednesday afternoon when they walked home together. Then all of this wouldn't have happened.
But it's too late for that now, and Maura wills herself to focus on what her girlfriend just told her. She wills herself to think of ways to contradict the things Jane has just said about herself, and she pushes herself up now.
Jane's face is tear-streaked, eyes filled with what Maura reads as pain.
"You are nothing like him, honey," the blonde starts. "Listen to me. Are you listening?"
The brunette nods, and Maura takes a deep breath, trying to steady her voice.
"Your father left you and your family. You wouldn't ever do something like that, Jane. I know you wouldn't. Maybe you think you could, but if you look really deep inside, you'd see that you aren't capable of leaving everyone behind. And I know that he maybe didn't want to leave you behind, but he betrayed you and that's even worse."
Her girlfriend unfolds her legs and lays down, placing her head in Maura's lap. The blonde feels slim, bony fingers clutching her t-shirt, holding on tightly.
"Also, you wouldn't ever hurt me or anyone you love. Not deliberately, at least. You're set on making everyone happy, you don't want people to feel bad. Do you think you could ever hurt me the way he did?"
"I'm hurting you now," Jane's voice is so deep that Maura barely recognizes it.
"Not in the way you think," the blonde immediately counters. "I'm simply hurting because you are. And I don't want you to hide it from me whenever you feel pain, just to keep me from being hurt. I care about you, I love you. You will never hurt me the way your father hurt you."
Jane's body is shaking with the effort of minimizing her sobs. Maura runs her hands through Jane's hair, combing it with her fingers.
"You are nothing like him," she repeats. "And if you're worried about spending all your money on alcohol, I promise I will be there to not let that happen. And even after drinking lots of alcohol you won't be capable of hurting me. Whatever he did when he was drunk, I know you won't do it."
A tear falls onto Maura's hand, and she softly strokes her girlfriend's cheeks, wiping away more tears. "I love you. I promise I'll always show you how beautiful, gentle, wonderful, and nothing like him you are. Ask me, and I'll show you."
Her girlfriend's breathing has slowed down, an occasional quick intake of breath is the only indicator that Jane is still awake.
"Just ask."
Please let me know what you think. Do you still like this story? Is there anything you'd like to read?
I love hearing from you guys.