Author's Notes…

Long-ass delay here. Sorry, guys! I swear this story isn't dead! I just have two huge stories going on over in the Star Wars fandom. But I've been hankering to work on this one, so here we go.

Nobody Needs to Know

Chapter Five

Wishes and Fairness

March 29, 2017

"Hi, you've reached Sora! I'm not here right now, so just leave a message!"

Beep.

Cloud lowered his phone with a sigh. Damn. It had been a month since his birthday, two weeks since he'd last seen his brother. It had taken him this long to get up the courage to call Sora, and it hadn't even rung once before it went straight to voicemail.

Fine, whatever. That was a good thing. It meant Cloud didn't do anything stupid.

He tossed his phone onto the couch and paced with his arms crossed behind his head. The dying afternoon sunlight filtered in through the floor to ceiling windows that framed the back half of the living room. He'd just gotten off work—he wasn't thinking clearly because he was so tired.

Cloud had gotten what he wanted.

Sora had finally left him alone.

Then why did it feel so awful?

He thought there'd be—he didn't know. Quiet satisfaction? Relief? If someone wanted something fiercely enough, that was what they were doing it for—for satisfaction, relief. Yet he was experiencing none of that. No, Sora plagued his thoughts more now than he ever had.

Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, one hand on his hip.

Sora.

The wind was brisk as Riku and Sora walked through the slush on the sidewalk with their hands stuffed in their coat pockets. Both had red cheeks, and Sora's spiky hair couldn't be saved—it was now standing up everywhere, which was just lovely.

Stupid Riku and his ponytail.

"And you still haven't heard from him?" Stupid was saying now.

"No," Sora said shortly. He tucked his chin into his coat collar, attempting to shield some of his skin. "And I won't. He's Cloud. It's over."

"It can't be over," Riku said.

"Yes, it can," Sora said heatedly, his hackles rising. This was the one topic that had him on edge lately, that instantly put him into defensive mode. "I said it's over, so it's over."

"Look, Cry-lo Ren, stop whining. It's not attractive, and—" Riku braved the wind to point at him with a smirk "—it makes you look like some grown ass man on the dark side, whining about how you're going to carry on your grandfather's legacy."

Sora took a second to process this, his mind whirling. It came out in stilted words. "What—that's not even—how much do you watch Starkil—it's 2017—not—even related to what I'm—what—" He squinted at Riku in the bright sunlight, really confused. "How long have you been holding that reference in?"

"Long enough, Sora," Riku muttered. "Long enough."

Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

"Like I said, it's over. He won't call. He knows it. I know it. How can that not be over?"

Riku sighed and stopped walking. Sora followed suit, his eyebrows rising.

"Because he's your brother," Riku said simply.

Sora swallowed, looking away, shoulders hunched against the cold.

He hated it when Riku was right.

April 10, 2017

"And a record breaking snowfall for Radiant Gardens this year in April," the weatherman said on Channel 11. He stood covered up head to toe with the blizzard blowing behind him. Poor guy was practically an icicle. "We're forecasting over twenty inches. Please stay indoors! The roads are already dangerous with black ice—"

Sora clicked off the TV.

Cloud was probably going to be slammed at the ER tonight, Sora thought. There would be so many car accidents…

Then he got mad for slipping in his resolve to not think about that bastard, so he threw the remote onto the coffee table and went into the kitchen to eat his feelings. They were already good to go if they got blown in for a few days. Riku believed in the zombie apocalypse, and their basement was fully prepped. That meant plenty of water and food, among other things.

Sora didn't like to ruminate on the weapons that lined one of the basement walls, all of which Riku had a permit for. Seriously, that was one guy you did not want to piss off. Fortunately, Sora had learned that lesson early. He could recall that day effortlessly—Riku shoving Sora down into the sandbox and—

Bzzt, bzzt.

Grumbling, Sora pulled out his phone and checked the text message he'd received.

Cloud: We need to talk in person.

Sora eyed his phone with great suspicion, then resumed slathering peanut butter on a slice of bread.

Bzzzzzt.

His screen flashed.

Cloud: I have the time tonight.

Sora found that really hard to believe. There was no way he wouldn't be in the ER tonight, on call or not. So he scoffed and added enough jelly to his bread that it oozed out of the sandwich. He took a giant bite, staring furiously out the window.

It was easier than to acknowledge the knot in his stomach.

Bzzzzzt.

Cloud: Answer your door.

The doorbell rang.

Sora's eyes widened, and he choked on his bite of PB and J. What the hell? How had he gotten Sora's address—?

Sora groaned. He was going to kill his mother.

Whatever, he could pretend he wasn't home. He did so by turning off the kitchen light and hoping that Cloud wouldn't notice in the wrath of the whiteout.

Bzzzzzt.

Cloud: Really, Sora?

Damn.

Manning up, Sora flipped the light switch back on, swallowed his food, and wiped his hands off on a paper towel. He stepped into his slippers to walk across the icy hardwood floor and answer the front door.

And was instantly blasted in the face with snow.

He sputtered, and Cloud used his brief incapacitation to step into the house and slam the door shut. The blond ran his fingers through his hair, dislodging chunks of snowflakes.

"Hey, watch it!" Sora protested. "If that melts on the floor, Riku is going to kill me! He's a freaking forensic scientist, if you can't eat off this floor, you—"

"Shut up," Cloud said so forcefully that Sora did, his teeth clacking together. Then he sighed and groaned, closing his eyes as he held his hands behind his head. He was quiet for a long moment before he wet his lips and spoke. "I don't like this."

"Don't like what?" Sora scoffed. He rubbed at his arm, trying not to shiver. The wind was howling past the door, and the chill from outside was lingering. "Not speaking? Avoiding each other? We've been doing it for years, right? Oh, no, wait, that was you—I was busy trying to figure out what the fuck your problem was!" Sora wasn't sure when he had started yelling, but now that he had, he couldn't stop. "Why my big brother couldn't stand being around me!" He pointed both hands toward his chest. "Then he tells me the truth, and I try—I try to make it better—"

"I never asked you to!" Cloud snapped, his eyes flashing open. "Damn it, Sora. That's what you do—you push, and you push, and you push! When are you going to realize how isolated you are from reality?! Riku is your only friend—"

Stung, Sora blinked back tears. Despite what they'd been going through, he honestly hadn't imagined that Cloud would speak to him that way.

"—because you—"

"I get it," Sora said so frostily that Cloud trailed off and pressed his lips together. Heat was a lump in his throat. "I'm a pusher. Great. Glad we could work that out. There's the door." He was proud that his voice did a minimum of trembling. Emotional as he was, he still hated exposing himself, and Cloud was being a huge asshole right now.

"No, Sora, that's not why I came—" Cloud growled in frustration and dragged his fingers more fiercely through his spikes. He seemed like he didn't know what to do with his hands. "That's not why I came! I just… I don't need to be fixed. You get that, don't you?" He gestured between them. "That there's nothing that can fix me? That I've tried everything possible to not be in love with you?"

The tears were growing more difficult to hold back, but Sora soldiered on. "What are you doing here, then?"

"You started this, and I'm past that… and I still don't like it. Okay?" Cloud hugged his arms tightly across his chest, his jaw set in a line similar to their father's.

"And what would you like me to do, Cloud?" Sora asked, sniffling. "Pull out a time turner and go back to January? Well, I hate to break it to you, Cloud, but all of the time turners were destroyed when—"

"If you make one more Harry Potter reference, I swear to God—"

"Then I don't know what to tell you, Cloud!" Sora threw up his hands. "I can't change anything that happened! You hate it. I get it. I get it. How many times do I have to say it before you believe me? Please—I'm fine. You can go. It's okay. Message received."

"For the love of—" Cloud muttered. "The message is not received!" He pointed a finger at his chest. "Stop being defensive for five seconds! I am trying to tell you something, and you're not letting me! You keep twisting this around—stop!"

Sora looked away.

Cloud grasped his cheek and turned his face back to him. "I wanted that in the beginning—I wanted you to go away. I hated that you wanted to fix me. I hated that you were forcing yourself into something you shouldn't have had to." When Sora opened his mouth, Cloud brushed his thumb over his lips. "I hate this… I hate that we're not talking, that things have…" He sighed and lowered his eyes. "Sora, I just don't know what to do anymore." He dropped his hand.

"Well… first of all," Sora said stiffly, blinking back tears, "blocking me out isn't going to solve anything. Like you said, I push." His nose was burning. "But fuck you for saying that I don't have friends, because you know that is not true."

"It isn't," Cloud agreed.

Sora swallowed harder. His vision was blurring. "I wasn't trying to fix you, Cloud. I was trying to understand. You're my brother, and I love you. How could I not try and understand, no matter how taboo it is?"

"I—"

"Sora, I've been calling and calling!" Riku burst out breathlessly, skidding around the corner. "Thank God you're home, there's been—" He took stock of the tall blond man in his foyer. "Whoa. Hey, dude, it's been ages."

Cloud gave him a curt, awkward nod.

"Uh, did you have to work at the hospital tonight?" Riku asked. When Cloud gave him another nod, this one less salty, Riku gave him the bad news. "Yeah, there's no way you're going to make it. There was a bad wreck—it's going to be blocked off that way for hours." He looked between his friend and his friend's brother, biting his lip at the tension in the air. "Uh… we have plenty of guest bedrooms, or even the couch, if you prefer."

Sora and Cloud both looked at the ground.

"Right." Riku clapped Sora on the back and stepped past him so he could go upstairs. "And clean up that puddle of water by the time I get back from my shower!" he called when he had reached the top.

"Fuck, I guess I need to call the hospital," Cloud muttered.

"Yeah," Sora said, holding himself again and tapping the toe of his slipper against the ground. He cleared his throat and straightened. "Pick a room. I'll… see you."

"Sora, wait—" Cloud grasped his elbow and tugged him back.

"What, Cloud?" Sora couldn't bring himself to look at his brother. He scrubbed furiously at one eye. "I don't have a magic solution for you, okay? You got what you wanted, and you don't like it? There's nothing I can do about that."

"Actually, there is," Cloud said. "That's what I came here to talk to you about."

Sora sniffled and tried not to hiccup.

Cloud drew Sora into a hug, crushing him to his chest. "I'm an asshole, okay? I shouldn't… have given you false hope like that. It was fucked up of me." He let Sora go, grabbing him by the arms. "But in my defense, I honestly didn't think—"

"I'm over it, okay?" Sora interrupted. "You don't have to explain anymore—"

"Just listen to me!" Cloud said, exasperated. Sora begrudgingly quieted. "I can't help how I feel for you—and it will never stop. But if you can agree to not… try and fix to me, to—pretend that you don't know how I feel… then I can be your brother again. Okay?"

Sora eyed him distrustfully.

"I don't know what else to do, either," the blond said. "But… I can't stand seeing you hurt. I can't. I really can't."

"Yeah, well, you have a nice way of showing it…" Sora gave another sniffle and wiped a finger under his eye.

"Sora, please…" Cloud whispered. "Please just forgive me? Please tell me we can move past this?"

Sora looked up at his brother, and he tried to give him the answer he so desperately wanted. But he…

"I can't," Sora said, his lips trembling. "I can't pretend I don't know how you feel. I can't—act like I'm not… really confused myself. I can't do that. You know me. I'm the emotional one. I'm the person who can't keep a secret. I can't hide how I feel."

"Sora—"

"No," Sora said. His throat was so tight, it was making it difficult to get words out. "You… You've kissed me—I've kissed you back. How can we just pretend that didn't happen? Is that what you really want? I thought you wanted me—"

"Sora, do you want me?" Cloud demanded suddenly, grabbing Sora by the chin and jerking his face up. "Do you really want me? Or do you want to see me happy? Because they aren't the same, and one certainly isn't very fair."

"You took fairness off the table when you slept with that mean doctor guy!" Sora cried. "You know what? No. I'm done. I really can't do this. I get that you're stranded—find a place to crash. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Cloud wouldn't let him pass.

"Seriously—"

"You didn't answer me." Cloud gripped Sora's chin again. "Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Do. You. Want. Me?"

His eyes were so intense, and Sora couldn't read them. He couldn't tell which answer Cloud wanted to hear. Maybe Cloud himself didn't know. Sora didn't.

"I wish I knew," Sora choked out, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I tried to find out, and you wouldn't let me. If you don't like the result, then that's on you. Excuse me, I need to go find you some fresh sheets."

He slapped Cloud's hand away and hurried upstairs so he could do so.