[ENTRY 1]
-Tabitha wouldn't stop asking me to begin writing. I kept telling her "no", but she was having one of those adult moments where they are not able to change their minds. It got too tiring to keep putting up with her, so I'm writing this now.
-I am not going to show any of them what I'm writing. They will think that I'm being cunning and trying to hide my thoughts from them. I don't hide my thoughts I just can't always show them to someone because they would not understand. Adults always say the same thing to me when I ask them about stuff, but clearly they need to ask themselves more than me.
-They keep telling me how bright I am. But I think that they just want to make me feel good. I always ask them questions about jobs and about babies, but they always keep the answer to themselves. If they really knew I was bright, they should know that I am just teasing them. I knew most of the answers to my questions. I just wanted to see if they did.
-Like when I called mother Tabitha.
-I am Toby
-Some of my classmates are Kevin, Alex and Steven.
-My sister is Lily.
-Mother's friends have names that I can not say.
-And father likes to be called Ted.
-So why am I not allowed to call mother Tabitha?
-I made sure that I said it properly. I thanked her just before I said her name, the way she always thanks me. I said just after that I really liked the name and wanted to use it more often. But she just looked at me like I had broken something and asked me to never call her that again.
-It's not fair.
[ENTRY 2]
-I had to go through another "Adult Moment" today.
-I was playing a game I just invented with Lily, that she agreed to. She agreed to playing it after she had understood the rules.
-She was not allowed to pull her hand out of the pot without giving me all of her stakes.
-I couldn't either.
-She could only put her hand in the pot if she had anything to stake.
-As I had to also.
-And the colder the pot the less her stakes were worth. This rule did not affect me. We both knew that I would not care if the pot was boiling or not, I would keep my hand in longer than her. Always.
-I made a big effort for the game to be fair, so that we would stop stealing things from each others rooms. But Tabitha, (who I will always call that from now on) said that I was torturing Lily when she found us.
-We can no longer play together. And I have to see another doctor tomorrow.
-I wonder if Tabitha knew that I was being tortured?
[ENTRY 3]
-The doctor is mad.
-I thought that her clothes made her look smart, but she is madder than Tabitha.
-I did not think that was possible.
-She spent most of our session telling me how to think. But she did not have motherly love as an excuse when she started saying things that made no sense. Any sense.
-She wouldn't let me talk back to her. So now I will write down all of her points and go over why they should not be used by a trained doctor.
"You not only hurt Lily on the outside, you hurt her on the inside"
-Only a small amount, if at all. The pot was only slightly hot and she did not put her hand in it for long enough for it to be hurt on the inside.
"You might encourage your friends to do the same"
-I have no friends. Lily and I both hate each other but we are also smart enough to not fight all of the time, and my classmates do not ever talk to me unless asked by the teacher.
"By doing that you were hurting yourself"
-Yes I was. That was the point of the game. How is that a bad thing when Lily had put down her stakes for me to get after the pain?
"I am here to help you"
-You are here because Tabitha has more money than free time. If you wanted to help, then why did you keep me with you for the entire hour?
"If you grow up thinking stuff like that is ok then you will become a bad person.
-That didn't stop you from getting paid to give bad advice, did it?
"How bad do you think Lily feels?"
-That is a trick question. You want me to say she is feeling bad, but what she feels does not matter. What matters is that the game is played fair so that we do not hurt ourselves for no reason. Adults put their emotions and pain aside when they do boring jobs, why am I not allowed to?
-I forget the other points that she brought up.
-It's not fair.
[ENTRY 4]
-I dreamt about falling off the station last night.
-I went through the glass and fell towards the sun. I was not scared when I fell. I thought that there would be something there to safely catch me. When I woke up I forgot what it was.
-Nothing interesting happened when I saw my normal doctor.
[ENTRY 5]
-I thought about writing down the date for once. But I can't remember which order the numbers appear. I used to know, but I forgot and don't really want to remember.
-My classmates are getting more stupid. They hit each other so hard that I thought their veins might close, but they thankfully opened.
-I have fewer of them to deal with now. At least until they come back from their own doctors.
[ENTRY 6]
-Tabitha wants me to start taking pills.
-They disgust me.
-I always think they are dead maggots, but she does not care. I tried to wash out their taste by the sink, to some success. I don't know why they are flavoured like that, or why other kids like them.
-Lily now has an imaginary friend.
[ENTRY 7]
-I noticed the babies crying more often.
-Tabitha and father have bags under their eyes.
-I have started to sometimes see orange. It must be the pills. I have been able to get rid of them without Tabitha noticing for now. She somehow always finds out what I have been up to. Then asks me about it to see if I own up. I always do.
[ENTRY 8]
-A lot of things happened today.
-Lily was asked by father about her imaginary friend. When she described him father went pale. I don't know why. All that Lily's friend and father's brother have in common is the name. Why would Lily imagine father's brother? The only time she met him was as a baby. I think I should stop putting some of my pills in father's coffee.
-My normal doctor was been replaced. I think he finally got some of his patient's sickness. I did warn him about it.
-Tabitha is starting to hate me. She uses many more words to my face when I talk to her now. It's like she has a script for talking with me and a script for talking with her worse enemy and keeps getting the two mixed up.
-I managed to get her to cry.
[ENTRY 9]
-Tabitha read through this book after dinner.
-She hit me when she next saw me, threw me in my room and demanded that I erase all my words and apologise to Lily, my new doctor, father and my classmates when they get back. Then write an apology to her.
-No Tabitha.
-You don't deserve anything from me.
-I wish I could give your bruises back to you.
-I hate you.
-You sick fuck.
-I am going to throw this book into the nearest bin then pick up the kitchen kni-
Toby's writing was interrupted.
It took him a minute to figure out what had grabbed his attention as he was extremely focused on his next sentence. He rubbed his bloodshot eyes and tried to pinpoint it.
No...
Nothing visual...
Audible?
He strained his ears, the ringing still mildly present, and then realised what had distracted him.
It was the first time that he had ever experienced a scream as visceral this one. The first time of many.