A/N: Oh dear, I'm afraid I was in a bit of a depressing mood when I was writing this. A long day at work + life in general does that sometimes. Anyways, nothing too dramatic happening in this chapter, just a little bit of reality. Enjoy. Oh and it's written in Tony's POV.
Just one other thing, I was thinking about giving names to all 45 chapters... What do you think?
Tony has a lot of ideas. He lives them and breaths them but most of all on a daily basis he dreams them. It is just the way he is and always has been. It was just the same all those years ago when he imagined that maybe one day he'd actually settle down and give up women and alcohol. It still was the same when he actually gave them up for her. She was after all, the only woman that has and ever could really understand the true him. He wished there was something he could do to forget the past and possibly wipe it out from history itself. But as much as he wants too and as smart as he is, he never will because some things are best left alone. Besides, he knows she would never let him even if there was a way because as she once said to him, 'the past is the past. But now, tomorrow and always matters to me.'
Those are the words he writes in the letter he leaves in his will. He hates doing serious things like these because doing this only reminds him what he has to actually lose. It reminds him of all the gloomy days and all the rainy ones too. It reminds him of that single day every year when she cleared his schedule and demanded he help her clean out the kitchen. He hadn't realized at the time, because keeping track of the day's date just seemed unnecessary to him when he was younger. It mattered when he completed his projects and it mattered when he arrived to a party and brought a girl home afterwards. The date just wasn't important enough for him to precious seconds aside to follow. That's what he created Jarvis for and as much as he hates himself to admit it, that's what he once had Pepper for too. He signed the bottom of her letter with the only words he can think of, 'I love you, Pepper. I know it would be a lie to say I always have, but as Einstein proved that after death our energy never dies, know that with that energy I'm still loving you.'
As he signed his name at the bottom of the letter and folded it he remembered all the times he made her sit by and watch him live a much darker life. He remembered those days when women and alcohol were like the air and food he breathed and fed upon. He'll never forget and he'll never forgive himself for making her sit through it. He knows she has told him time and time again to 'not worry with it because you're different now, Tony, and that's all that matters.'
But there's a part of him that never will because remembering what he has put her through only makes him more determined to be the best man for her that he possibly could for the rest of their lives. It reminds him every morning when he wakes up beside her or when Jared calls him daddy and looks up to him like he's the only daddy in the world that matters. It reminds him when he's holding Julia in his arms and looking down at a little accumulation of him and her in that one tiny little body. It reminds him what he has to make up for and that's all he needs to know to make him a better man.
"Mr Stark?" their lawyer called out his name and he glanced at him and nodded.
He wrote her name neatly on the front of the letter and he hoped to god that she'll never ever have to read it. As he gazed down at the letter in his hands he had to admit that he felt a lot lighter. He felt a sense of relief because now at least when he's in the prime of a battle with the decision to live or to sacrifice his life for the sake of others, he'll die happily knowing there was at least one last way for him tell her how much he loves her.
"Will that be all, Mr Stark?" the lawyer asked him.
"That's all, Phillis," he smiled.
"What of the letter to Jared and Julia?" Phillis asked solemnly.
"Ah yes, those won't take too long," he said softly.
He wasn't completely sure how to start of Jared's letter but within a few minutes he had a page and a half of words. It appeared to him that writing this to Jared was slightly easier than Pepper's. He knew if anything, Jared would be brave enough to face the world without him. He was too smart to fall in his father's footsteps and besides, he had a lot more others to comfort and console him. He wrote mostly about how proud he was and how honoured he felt to call him his little boy. He wrote about his dreams and a little about the things he had done in the past that he hoped Jared will never follow suit. He signed the letter with one final request, 'Protect your mother and sister and take care of them. Find a girl to love and cherish her always.'
'My darling daughter,' he starts of Julia's letter with much ease. He wrote about how proud he is of her and that no matter what any other boy will ever say to her, she will always be his little girl. He reminded her that if she was ever sad or if she ever felt alone, he would always be right there beside her. He wrote to her about how even though she was younger than Jared, he gave her his full permission to give Jared a good whacking and lecture when the occasion called for it. He wrote about how in all of his life, he never thought he would be writing something like this to someone like her. But that he was glad because it only meant that he had finally become a better man. He wrote that he only hoped she would find someone even better than her father to love and to cherish for the rest of her life. He signed the letter much alike he did to Jared's, with one final request he wrote, 'Love your mother and make her clean the kitchen on this day every year from now on. Don't let your brother get out of hand, I give you my full permission to slap him, punch him, lecture him, or whatever works to keep him in line.'
He glanced at the two letters in his hands with the names Jared Stark and Julia Stark written on them and he felt somewhat better about the whole exercise. He was going to complain to Pepper afterwards of course because as much as this whole exercise was for the better, he really didn't like writing serious things like these.
Even if this whole exercise was his idea to begin with.