Chapter Two

He gasped awake, drenched in sweat and shivering from the nightmare he'd just been thrown from. His heart beat loudly in his ears and he struggled to pull breath into his lungs. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat, placing his head into his hands and fighting off deep sobs that threatened to overwhelm him.

Sirius's voice still rang in his ears and brought tears to his eyes.

"Damnit," he groaned out and punched the pillow next to him in frustration. Just one night of nightmare free sleep is all he wanted, and he thought if there was anywhere he'd get that peace it was this four-poster bed that felt more like home than anywhere he could think of.

But it hadn't mean enough, and now he was wide awake and he needed a shower. He grabbed his wand from under his pillow and cast a Tempus. It was only four in the morning, but he figured if he was quiet enough he could just sneak out and shower, then go do some homework in the common room until everyone else started to wake up.

Harry grabbed his uniform and school robes, towel and toiletry bag and tread quietly into the bathroom he shared with the rest of his dorm mates. A locking and silencing charm on the door, and wasn't he grateful he could use his wand, and he had some real privacy for the first time in months.

He stripped off his sweat soaked clothes and moved over to one of the shower stalls, bringing his bag with him and setting it on the floor at his feet. The water came out perfect and he allowed himself a few minutes of just standing under the spray and imagined his dreams washing down the drain with the water, before reaching for his soap and washing. The soap stung his back and his arms, but he closed his eyes to the pain and washed automatically.

There was an itch just under his skin that had him wanting to draw a few more lines into his flesh, but he deliberately turned his back on the toiletry bag and what he had hidden within and just scrubbed a little harder as he washed.

Fifteen minutes was all the time he gave himself, not wanting someone to need the loo and then wonder why the door was locked at four in the morning. He dressed quickly, threw his clothes in the hamper for the elves to take care of and undid his spells on the door.

He walked quickly, but quietly, back to his bed to put away his toiletries and drape his towel over the end of the bed, then grabbed his school bag from his trunk and left the room. The common room was predictably empty, but a low fire burned in the grate.

Harry made his way over to the couch placed closest to the fire and settled himself down in the comfortable cushions before opening his bag and pulling out parchment and a self-inking quill. His Transfigurations text book from last year followed and he set to work trying to complete the summers homework in one morning.

He managed to finish his Transfiguration, Charms and part of his Herbology homework by the time other students starting making their way downstairs and he hastily shoved the parchments back into his school bag, leaving out a spare piece and his quill. This he filled out with his needed text books for his classes this year to send off as an owl order. Hopefully he'd get them in the next couple of days and he'd be able to make do with what he had until then.

Minutes later Hermione made her way over to him on the couch and sitting down, she gave him a smile.

"Morning Harry, how long have you been up?" She asked and Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Just a little while," he answered. She looked at him for a few moments and he placed another smile onto his face. Satisfied that he seemed okay, she leant back into her cushion and cast a Tempus with her wand. When Harry saw the time he grimaced, it was later than he expected and breakfast would be over in less than an hour.

"I'll go wake Ron," he said before Hermione could say something, and standing up he threw his bag over his shoulder before heading for the stairs to his dorm. All the other boys were in different stages of readiness. Neville was pulling on his school robes, while trying to simultaneously cast a drying charm on his hair, and Seamus and Dean could be heard talking loudly from the bathroom. Ron however, was still sound asleep, his half-shut curtains revealing a rumbled pyjama clad leg.

Harry headed over and drew the curtains open all the way.

"Hey Mate," he said loudly and when that failed to wake him, Harry leant over and shook his friends shoulder. "You'll miss breakfast."

"I'm up, 'm up," Ron shot up and looked out at the room with sleep blurred vision and his hair sticking up on one side. Harry and Neville burst into laughter at the sight and Ron frowned at his friends for a moment before a smile broke onto his own face.

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled and stood up to lightly punch Harry on the shoulder. He missed the grimace Harry gave as he turned to grab some clothes from his trunk, but Neville sent him a questioning look which Harry chose to ignore. Minutes later, and all the boys in the dorm were ready to go and stampeded down the stairs and into the common room, which was emptying again as students left for breakfast.

Hermione was still sitting on the couch, although she'd obviously retrieved her own books and such, as her satchel sat beside her, fat with what was no doubt every text she had for the year, and then some. Harry smiled a genuine smile for the first time in months when Ron saw the bag as well and rolled his eyes.

"Well come on you lot," Neville called from over by the door and together they piled from the common room and made their way to the great hall. Although breakfast was usually available from quite early until fifteen minutes before classes began, nearly all the house tables were full with students awaiting their timetables. Harry threw a leg over the long bench and sat before pulling a small bowl of fruit salad towards him and adding some yoghurt. The bacon and eggs smelled amazing, but he'd learnt his lesson last year when he'd had near constant stomach pain for the better part of a week. It was better if he eased himself into regular meals slowly, and as long as he had something in front of him to nibble on no one asked questions.

It was only a few minutes later when Professor McGonagall came by and passed out their class schedule, giving Harry a small, tight smile as she handed his over. He returned a tight smile of his own and then bent his head over to examine his schedule and discourage her actually saying something to him. She took the hint and moved on down the table.

"Shit," he groaned when he saw the first class he had.

"Harry," Hermione scolded and Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Sorry, Hermione, but it's Potions first thing and I haven't done the summer homework. Snape is going to kill me." He groaned and crossed his arms over the table to lay his head on them in frustration.

"Why didn't you do your homework, Harry? Even I did it." Ron asked, prodding his friends arm and smiling at the groan it elicited.

"The Dursleys locked my trunk up as soon as I got there." He explained. "I did some this morning, but I didn't get to the potions essay. I'm doomed."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione seemed scandalized at the thought of not being able to do homework and Harry huffed out a laugh at the tone of her voice.

"Right, well, nothing I can do about it now I suppose," he pushed himself up and threw his bag over his shoulder as his friends did the same. "I'll just have to hope he goes easy with the detentions and I don't end up spending all of my spare time de-spleening newts or something."

Resigned to a miserable morning, the itch under his skin rose to the surface and he fought back the urge to duck into one of the bathrooms and scratch at the skin until it bled. Instead he chewed the inside of his cheek just enough to give a sharp bite of pain. By the time they'd made it to the Potions lab in the dungeons his cheek felt bruised, but the itch had passed.

Slowly other students trickled down the passage to stand outside the classroom door, and although there was no bickering and provocation from either the Gryffindor sixth years or the Slytherins, there was still an air of tension. When Professor Snape finally billowed his way past the students to draw his wand and unlock the door, the tension could have been cut with a knife and the muscles in Harry's shoulders were so tight he had cramps shooting up and down his arms.

Professor Snape either chose to ignore it, or assumed the Gryffindor's had done something, as he simply glared at all the students as they moved slowly into the room to take places at the tables. Hermione and Ron moved automatically to share a table, and Harry was left standing at a table on his own. They threw him looks of apology, but Harry knew Ron needed all the help he could get, so he couldn't really be angry with his friends. It didn't make standing there on his own feel any less lonely though.

There was surprisingly little difference in the Slytherin attendance, with only Pansy Parkinson, Theodore Nott and Malfoy missing from their group. This left all the people but Harry, and Zabini still paired off with a partner, and for a moment it looked like Snape might make Harry pair up with the Slytherin. He seemed to think better of it though, and Harry was gratefully left to start the potion without a partner. It meant more work, as he would have to do all the ingredient preparation and brewing on his own, but maybe without Malfoy to throw random things into his cauldron he'd actually get the occasional potion correct.

"Before you begin your potion, you may bring your summer homework parchments and place them in a neat pile on my desk," Professor Snape stated before waving his wand and bringing the potion they were to be doing up on the board in front of the class. Harry kicked himself for taking a table at the back of the room, he could barely read the instructions from up here, his old prescription not really enough to fix his eyesight anymore. Maybe he should go to Madame Pompfrey and see if she could fix his glasses for him. But then she'd wonder why he didn't get new ones over the holidays, or she might want to do more tests on him, and there was no way that could happen. He would just have to go to the library later and find his own spell to fix his glasses.

In the meantime, he'd keep his head down and do the best he could and hope he didn't blow up the classroom. As the rest of his classmates moved forward to place homework hastily pulled from bags and satchels, Harry ducked his head and busied himself with dicing and slicing what he hoped were the right ingredients.

"Potter," Professor Snape barked not five minutes later, causing him to jump and drop all the newts eyes in his potion at once, instead of one at a time like the instructions said. He glared up at his professor knowing he had done it on purpose. Why was everyone out to sabotage him? He could do it all on his own thank you very much.

"Your homework, Potter." Snape drawled and Harry found himself flinching before he forced his shoulders back and chest out in the universal sign of defiance.

"I don't have it. Sir." He ground out through clenched teeth but didn't bother to give an explanation, it would be a waste of time and would have no effect anyway.

Professor Snape clenched his jaw for a few moments then barked out "stay after class" before turning his attention back to swiping red ink across the parchments in front of him.

Surprised the professor hadn't taken the opportunity to mock or humiliate him, Harry ignored his friends throwing worried glances his way, and the Slytherins snickering quietly amongst themselves and went back to his potion. By the time the class was over, he had a passable potion safely in an unbreakable vial and his jaw was sore from clenching his teeth the entire time. The bell chimed throughout the castle and as his friends headed out of the room and to their next class, Harry moved further into the room to stand in front of the professor's desk.

Professor Snape waited until the classroom was empty before he looked up from his marking.

"Where is your homework, Potter?" He asked again, and Harry frowned before giving the same response he'd given before.

"Why don't you have it?" Snape ground out, clearly frustrated.

"I didn't get the chance to do it, Sir." Harry replied as honestly as he was willing to.

"Too busy enjoying the adoration of hundreds of fans, and the coddling of that simpering creature you call 'Aunt' to do what was expected of you?"

Harry bit the inside of his cheek again until he tasted blood, "Something like that, Sir," he replied.

"A week's detention Potter, which you begin tonight at seven where you will complete the essay assigned you over the holidays, with an additional four inches added to the length requirement." Harry was surprised at the lenience Professor Snape seemed to be giving him, and it showed in his expression.

"Your homework will still be marked as incomplete and you will be required to maintain an Acceptable grade to continue in my class." That was more like what he expected and Harry shrugged.

"Yes, Sir. May I leave now, I don't want to be late for Charms?" Snape seemed surprised at Harry's placidness and narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"I don't know what you're up to Potter, but I will find out and saviour of the wizarding world or not, I will have you expelled if necessary. These students have been through enough distractions and I will not have my classroom blowing up because you're causing mischief and no one is paying attention."

Harry shrugged his shoulders and simply stared at Professor Snape until he waved his hand in a shooing motion. He grabbed his bag from his bench and left the classroom without another word. As soon as he was away from the door all his false bravado crumbled and he stumbled into the wall as the weight of his world crushed down on his shoulders once more.

His vison grew dark for a moment as he allowed the emotions to take over for a minute and he leant against the wall with his eyes closed to get his breath back.

"Potter? You ok?" Harry lifted his head up so fast it bounced back off the wall behind him and he swore loudly.

Blaize Zabini stood there with a puzzled expression on his face and Harry scowled as he lifted a hand up to rub the back of his head.

"Just fine," he barked out and without another word, he pushed off from the wall and walked away, ignoring the eyes he could feel staring at him until he turned the corner and he was alone again. He rubbed his arm briskly for a second, then forced all emotions back down so by the time he made it to the charms classroom his face was as impassive and expressionless as he could get it.

Ron had saved him a seat and pat him roughly on the back as he sat down, forcing Harry to bite his tongue or shout a word Professor Flitwick wouldn't appreciate. Ron took the grimace to mean Professor Snape had been his usual git of a self and gave his friend a look of sympathy.

"So, how bad is it?" He asked, curious and Harry explained about the essay and the weeks detention.

"Better than it could been then, hey Mate?" Ron smiled at him, but before Harry could respond Hermione shushed them. He then spent the entire lesson trying to push back the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him, so that by the time the bell chimed he was feeling thoroughly dissociated from the world around him.

"Come on Harry, it's lunchtime and we've got Care of Magical Creatures after lunch, better fortify ourselves for whatever Hagrid has for us," Ron grinned at him and Harry stood and followed his friends to the great hall automatically.

Lunch was loud and his table was the loudest. It seemed like all people could talk about was the upcoming house exchange. Most people were speculating on who would get chosen and where they would go, but several of his year mates were busy complaining about the possibility of having a Slytherin in their house and being murdered in their beds. This had some of the listening younger years crying out in fear and Harry just lost it.

"Enough," he shouted and stood up to his full height before leaning over and placing his hands on the table so people couldn't see his hands were shaking.

"This is exactly what Dumbledore was talking about!" He exclaimed. "This... This prejudice that we keep falling into. Look around you, it's not just Slytherins missing from this hall that were here last year, and not all of them were killed but were the ones doing the killing. My Godfather," his voice cracked and he swallowed loudly, "My Godfather was betrayed by a GRIFFINDOR and spent the last years of his life locked up in one prison or another because of that Gryffindor."

"Slytherins aren't the only bad people around. They're all around us in this life, and it is people like you that make them stronger while weakening the people that could maybe make a difference in this world. This exchange program could be good for us, for this school and I for one hope I get chosen to participate so I can get away from the bigotry you spout from your mouth, if only for a week." His whole body was shaking now and sweat poured down his back, stinging the cuts and grounding him in the moment.

"Grow up!" He declared. "There's so much more to the world than this small, insignificant now that you will never experience because your head is shoved so far up your arse your blinded to it."

Hermione made a small noise of disapproval and broke the last little piece of patience he had. He glared at her, then stomped loudly from the hall, his footsteps echoing around the silent, stunned hall. From his seat at the teachers table Dumbledore smiled and stood.

"Hear, hear," he called out before sitting again and taking up his fork like nothing had occurred. Slowly the students came alive again and the tables were filled with loud chatter once more.

Harry meanwhile had run blindly once he'd left the great hall and didn't stop until his lungs burned with the need for oxygen and his legs cramped harshly. He found himself outside the portrait of the fat lady and dropped to the floor to place his head between his knees and draw in ragged breaths.

"You don't look too good, dearie, maybe you should go to the infirmary," the fat lady spoke up from her perch above him and Harry let out a bark of derisive laughter, making her frown at him and huff loudly. Without apologising, Harry stood and spat out the password. Reluctantly the portrait swung open then left the frame, and Harry climbed through the door.

His heart beat loudly and there was a ringing in his ears, but it was the need to find his toiletry bag that had him stumbling drunkenly up the stairs to his room. He found the bag and pulled the sharpener blade out carefully. He pulled his sleeve up and immediately drew it across his skin, hissing out a gasp of pain as it bit in and drew blood.

Several more on his arm and he switched the blade to his left hand and drew it across his right arm. The cuts here were a little more jagged, angled up rather than straight, but they stung just the same. Eventually the blade dropped from his fingers to land on the ground at his feet and Harry sat there just letting the peace of nothing but pain wash over him.

It was quite a few minutes later that he finally pulled himself out of the quiet that roared around him and he looked down to assess the damage. He was okay. He'd done a few more than normal, but that's why he used the sharpener blade and not something else, it simply wasn't sharp enough to cause more than superficial damage. The scar on his ankle from the cut he'd had to stitch himself with his aunts sewing supplies had been enough to show he could easily lose control when using a sharper knife.

Moving into the bathroom, Harry ran water over his arms for several minutes, then conjured bandages to wrap around them. They hurt now, pulsed almost with the pain, and it helped him keep focussed on his task even as he felt himself begin to dissociate from the situation. Finally, clean and bandaged he moved back into his room and cast a Scourgify on the blood dotted on and around his bed.

Exhausted but knowing this would be the first place anyone would go to look for him he cast a Tempus. Class had already started, so he moved quickly and left the tower, noticing that fat lady had yet to return to her portrait. Instead of heading to Care of Magical Creatures though, he turned and made his way to the owlery.

It was dark and quiet in here, most of its occupants asleep, and he moved quietly over to a corner to sit and lean against the wall. Finally, he allowed the grey that filled the corners of his vision to take over and placing his head on his bent knees he closed his eyes and checked out for a moment.