Chapter Three
He had fallen asleep long enough for the nightmares to form into disjointed flashes of green light and red eyes, maniacal laughter and shouted curses when he felt something nip his ear. Jumping awake he heard an indignant squawk and flapping wings and looked up to see Hedwig perched on a beam above him.
"Hey girl," he whispered, "sorry but you scared me." Hedwig hooted like she understood and flew down to perch on the arm Harry offered.
"I've got something for you," he told her while digging through the pockets of his school robes and pulling out his book list and the last of the galleons he had hidden in the bottom of his school trunk. Harry tied it to Hedwig's leg with a piece of string from his pocket and then scratched Hedwig on one of her wings.
"I didn't get the chance to buy more owl treats girl, I'm sorry," he told her and she leant forward to nip his finger affectionately before taking off to fly out one of the narrow windows set throughout the owlery. Harry sighed deeply as her silhouette slowly disappeared into the horizon and gathered himself together, once again drawing as much emotion as he could down deep into his belly and leaving his face a blank mask.
The setting sun outside let him know just how long he'd been resting for and though he was reluctant to show his face after his outburst in the great hall he knew it was only a matter of time before someone found him, and he'd rather it in more comfortable quarters.
Exiting the owlery, he began the journey back to his common room to find Hermione and Ron and at least pretend to be sorry. He didn't get half way before a seventh year prefect stopped him and passed over a small piece of folded parchment before walking quickly away
'Harry, I request your presence in my office at your earliest convenience. The password is ice mice.'
Harry scrunched the paper in his hand and was sorely tempted to just go to bed and pull his blankets over his head. Instead, he turned his feet towards to headmaster's office. Minutes later he was standing by the suit of armour and saying the password.
The armour moved aside and he took a deep breath before stepping onto the bottom stair and allowing it to lift him around and up. He knocked on the outer door to the office and waited for a reply before opening it and stepping in.
"Harry, my boy, how are you?" Dumbledore twinkled at him and harry fought back a frown.
"I'm fine professor, I'm sorry about my outburst in the great hall, I sorta lost it," harry admitted whilst running a hand up the back of his neck sheepishly..
"Not at all my boy," Dumbledore declared. "Everything you said was something they all needed up hear" the old man's eyes twinkled for a moment before turning serious again. "However, you did miss your afternoons classes and dinner, Harry, and your friends were unable to explain where you had gone." He looked over his half-moon glasses at Harry and waited patiently for an answer from the young man.
"I was in the owlery," Harry admitted but chose not to share any more information. He knew he wasn't acting like he should, but it was getting harder to go about like everything was okay and he was exhausted beyond anything he had ever felt before.
When it was obvious that was all he would be sharing, Professor Dumbledore frowned but didn't push for the moment.
"Very well, Harry. I am sure Hermione has taken sufficient notes from class in which you can use to catch up and are awaiting your reappearance impatiently." Harry nodded and turned to open the door.
"I do hope however that you do not allow this behaviour to become habit. Voldemort may be gone, but you still have enemies, and unfortunately I cannot guarantee they are not habiting the castle right now." At the reminder that he may never be free from the paranoia of enemies everywhere, Harry shrunk into his self and struggled for a moment to get his emotions under control.
The moment was fleeting and Harry could only hope the headmaster had been unable to detect the struggle, before he stood tall once more and turned to respond.
"No, sir" he said simply and then left the office without another word. Knowing that the common room would be full at this time of the night and hesitant to face everybody just yet, Harry headed to the library instead. He might as well start researching that spell to improve his glasses.
There were small pockets of students dotted throughout the library, but given it was only the first day of school and many teachers had yet to assign any homework it was relatively people free. The few groups in there raised their head when he entered, but quickly looked away before Harry could do much more than frown at a couple people. Once he was certain they would leave him alone he headed over to the charms section and started browsing the books for one that might give up the spell he needed.
A couple hours later and he was seated at a table in an out of the way corner and had several open text books spread out around him.
"That was quite impressive," a voice standing just behind him broke his concentration and he jumped before spinning in his chair to glare at whoever interrupted his reading. Blaise Zabini smirked down at him and Harry gave him a black look.
"Are you following me?" He asked and Blaise laughed, a light sound that made the corners of Harry's mouth want to lift up, so Harry frowned deeper.
"No, Potter, I imagine I'm here for the same reason you are," Harry looked at his books and then at Zabini. "I doubt it," he grumbled causing another huff of laughter to erupt from the Slytherin before he moved around the table and took the chair opposite Harry.
"I meant what I said though, it was quite impressive what you did in the hall, even if it was a little loud." Harry shook his head and grimaced.
"I just lost it," he admitted, "they were just going on and on about getting murdered while they slept and it was that or tell them they didn't need to worry about Slytherins 'cause I'd murder them myself. I've got enough people spouting off about me being a psycho killer, I didn't really need to fan the flames with that." Harry admitted self-deprecatingly before looking back at the book before him.
Blaise laughed out loud and several people looked over at them when Madam Pince shushed them from her perch at her desk.
"Sorry," Blaise whispered, clearly not sorry and Harry scoffed out a small laugh of his own.
"So, what are you researching?" He asked and Harry fought the urge to throw himself across the pages set out before him so he couldn't get a look at what he was doing when Zabini bent down to examine one of the open texts.
"Ocular spells?" Zabini questioned. "Are you trying to fix your eye sight or something? 'Cause I find I have to tell you it's almost impossible to fix eyes with magic. There's too many small nerves and things, you could end up blind instead if something backfires."
Harry rolled his eyes at the teen, "I know that," he told him. "I'm not trying to fix my eyes, but my glasses."
"Why not just get new ones, or go to Madame Pomfrey or Professor Flitwick?" Blaise questioned and Harry fought the blush he felt heating his cheeks.
"I just wanted to try and do it myself," he lied, "but I've been here for hours and I still can't find the right spell. I suppose I will just have to go to one of the professors." Harry started packing up all the books and was surprised when Zabini stood to help him gather them up and then silently set about putting his own arm load back on the shelves.
"Thanks," Harry muttered when all the books were away and then left the library without another word to the other boy.
By the time he got to the common room most of the younger years had headed to bed, so it was just the older years lounging about on the couches, bean bags and chairs dotted around the room. Someone had obviously snuck down to the kitchens, as several people were sipping on butterbeers and nibbling small cakes. Hermione and Ron were sitting on their usual couch by the fire, sharing the space with Ginny who was reading a magazine with Hermione and Neville who was spectacularly losing a chess game against Ron.
When several of his housemate called out to him as he stepped through the portrait, his friends snapped their heads up from their respective distractions and watched him trek his way across the room.
"That was brilliant, harry!" Ron declared loudly and Harry grinned, mood surprisingly lifted from his interactions in the library.
"Wasn't planned though," Harry shrugged and took the empty cushion on the end of the couch. "Just went a bit mental."
"While I don't necessarily agree with the way it was delivered, I wholly agree with the sentiment," Hermione offered and Harry smiled at her before bending over to examine the chess board.
"Wow Neville, you're worse at this than I am!" He smiled at his friend and the other boys laughed while Hermione protested at the abrupt change in conversation, but let it go when she saw Harry start to frown again. After two more chess matches with Harry and Neville teamed together against Ron, but still losing, they said their goodnights to the girls and headed up to bed together.
Harry yawned when he reached the room and after grunting a night at all his dorm mates, he climbed into his bed and pulled his curtains around until he was cocooned in the dark and comfort.
He woke shouting this time, and Ron was standing at his bedside with a worried frown on his face and the other boys were looking at him through their own curtains.
"Sorry," he rasped through a dry throat.
"You okay, Mate?" Ron asked and Harry nodded.
"Just a nightmare, Ron, you know I get them sometimes," he explained and when Ron looked like he was going to push it Harry threw his covers off and climbed from his bed. "Go back to bed, I'll be fine. I'm going to get a drink of water."
Ron nodded and climbed back into his own bed and moments later the room was quiet again as everyone settled back into sleep. Harry walked quietly into the bathroom and threw a locking and silencing charm on the door before he allowed himself to cry out in anguish.
He was so tired of these dreams, why couldn't he just get a moment of reprieve from the guilt and the sorrow that trailed after him in the light of day. Why did they have to follow him into his dreams as well. He washed his face at the sinks and bent to draw some cold water into his mouth to soothe the dry ache that resided there. It didn't help the ache in his chest though, so he unlocked the door and walked back to his bed. This time when he pulled his curtains around his bed he placed a silencing charm around him.
It wouldn't stop him from hearing someone outside the bed, but they wouldn't be able to hear him. Once he was sure the charm was in place Harry casted a Lumos with his wand then pulled his blade out and shimmied out of his pants. His arms were looking a little abused and he wanted to give them a chance to heal a bit, so his thighs would have to do.
He only dragged the blade across the skin once, slowly and carefully, letting the sting wash over him and watching the skin gape open and bubble up with blood before spilling over and creating a small river down the inside of his leg. The skin here was more taught, easier to cut deeper and scar heavier, so the few times he'd cut here were still raised and grey against the rest of his skin and he ran a finger over a few of the scars before putting the blade down and conjuring bandages to clean his newest mark.
Instead of putting the blade back in his bag when he was done, he bent over his bed to grab his robe from the floor and placed it in an inside pocket. Once that was done, he lay down in bed but didn't bother undoing the Lumos. There was no way he was going back to sleep now, not with the memory of his dreams still fresh.
By the time the sun rose and the other boys began to stir, Harry was already up and dressed. He shoved the rest of the parchment from his trunk into his schoolbag and waved goodbye to Ron as the redhead shuffled his way to the shower.
The great hall was thankfully still pretty empty and those that were there were happy to keep staring into their cups of tea or coffee and ignore him. He sat down at the end of Gryffindor table and pulled a slice of toast out of the rack in front of him. It wasn't until Harry saw Professor Snape enter the hall that he remembered he was supposed to go to detention last night, and Harry paled and dropped his toast, trying to sink down into himself so Snape wouldn't see him.
No such luck for Harry, as the professor noted him almost immediately and changed his course to halt in front of Harry.
"You missed detention last night, Potter. I see remembering appointments is yet another failure to add to your rapidly growing list of failures," he stated and Harry felt his cheeks redden in rage.
"Perhaps I thought it a waste of time, Sir, seeing as I've done potions for several years and according to you I still only hold a modicum of the knowledge necessary to advance. How must my potions professor feel knowing he has failed to do his job?"
"Detention for another week Potter, and the second week will be with Filch," Professor Snape snarled out. "You will be at my office tonight at seven for your first detention, or I will come and find you and drag you there myself. Understood?"
"Sir, yes Sir," Harry responded and saluted Snape, eliciting another growl of anger from the man before he turned, his cloak billowing out behind him and stormed to the teachers table. Not hungry after that confrontation but not wanting to give Snape the satisfaction, Harry forced himself to remain where he was and eat a piece of toast.
When his friends stumbled in, Harry was slowly sipping a cup of tea and ignoring the glares being shot down at him.
"Who pissed in his cornflakes?" Seamus asked and nodded discreetly at Professor Snape. Harry and Ron laughed while Hermione spluttered and began a lecture on respect and Harry found himself snapping at her to keep her opinions to herself. She gaped at Harry with such a wounded look that he apologised immediately and felt compelled to explain about missing last night's detention and subsequently getting a week extra.
"When you didn't come back to the common room until late last night, we assumed you had gone. But if you weren't in detention, where were you?" She questioned and Harry found himself looking over at the Slytherin table where Zabini was eating a piece of toast with a knife and fork. Harry smiled at the ridiculousness of such an act and then looked back at Hermione who seemed puzzled by the smile on his face.
"I was in the library, Hermione, looking up some charms," he told her and Ron frowned.
"Blimey Harry, you're not going to go all bookworm on me too, are you?"
"Relax Ron," Harry smiled, "I just wanted to try and fix my glasses. The prescriptions too old and things aren't as clear as they used to be." He told his friends and Hermione looked up from dishing some porridge into a bowl.
"Why don't you just get Madame Pompfrey or Professor Flitwick to fix them, I'm sure they know the necessary spells." She pointed out and Harry smiled at her.
"It was brought to my attention, yes," he told her and she shot him a questioning glance but he ignored it to drain the last of his tea and stand up. Unable to resist, he made sure to shoot what was no doubt an arrogant smirk at Snape who still glared down at his table before telling his friends he'd meet them in Transfiguration.
He didn't want to go to Madame Pompfey, afraid she'd ask questions or perform more tests, so he made his way to the charms classroom. Minutes later he was strolling from the room with glasses that actually worked and a smile on his face. Flitwick hadn't asked any questions, just happy to share his charms knowledge with a student eager to learn.
Transfiguration was review from the year before so Harry was able to get away with not having a text yet, and he sat with Neville in Herbology so hadn't even needed his text for that class, Neville was a walking text book when it came to plants.
They had Care of Magical Creatures again, so he was able to apologise to Hagrid who pulled him into a hug that pulled the breath from his body and then got him to help hand out the nifflers they'd be taking care of for the term.
The rest of the day went past pretty quickly and Harry awaited the moment he'd have to head to the potions classroom with a heavy weight in his stomach. He wasn't able to eat much at dinner, only picking at some roasted vegetables before giving up. When he stood to head to his detention Ron wished him luck and he forced himself to grin despite the nausea he was feeling. He really shouldn't have provoked Snape this morning, but he had started it and Harry had had enough of people walking all over him, even if what Snape had said about him being a failure was true.
When he reached the classroom, the door was closed and he briefly squeezed his thigh before knocking.
"Enter," Snape drawled from the other side and Harry opened the door and stepped inside.
"Well, don't just stand there, Potter, sit down somewhere and start your essay. You wont be going anywhere until it's finished." Snape spared him a short glance before looking down at the parchment in front of him and Harry hastily moved to his normal bench and sat down.
He was only a few paragraphs in when he realised he had a problem. Last year's potions text didn't contain half the answers he needed to finish the essay and he closed his eyes and groaned quietly when he realised he would need this year's text to be able to finish. He should have thought of that before coming and borrowed Ron's or something.
"Why don't I hear a quill scratching its inane scribble onto your parchment Potter. You've only been at it for a few minutes, you should still be capable of thought even with the limited brain power you possess."
Harry bit back a sarcastic retort knowing it didn't help the situation this morning and it wouldn't help it now.
"I don't have this year's text." He answered and placed his hand on his thigh to grip it tightly.
"Why, perchance, did you not bring it with you?" Snape asked in a deadly tone of voice and Harry fought a flinch.
"I didn't get to buy any of this year's texts," he spoke sullenly and Snape raised his eyebrow at the tone.
"I understand it was to your benefit to keep you safe in you aunt's home, but why did you not write to one of your foolish little friends and have them pick them up for you?" Snape's eyebrow was still raised and Harry murmured an answer.
"Speak up, boy," Snape persisted and Harry felt himself lose control again but was helpless to stop it.
"Because they didn't think to send any letters to me, and Dumbledore took away Hedwig. I had no one to ask. I spent my summer alone and lonely and no one thought to check and see just how their prophesied one was doing." Harry's chest was heaving with the effort to not scream and Snape opened his mouth to speak.
"Don't, just don't," Harry's voice cracked and he was forced to grip his forearms so Snape couldn't see how much his hands were shaking as he stared defiantly at his teacher and silently dared him to say something belittling. Obviously having not expected Harry's outburst he merely stared at him for several minutes before standing to pull a book from the shelf behind him and walking slowly over to Harry's bench to pass the book over.
"You may use this for now, though I expect it back once you have received your own," Snape spoke evenly and Harry 's tension eased a little.
"I assume you have sent an owl order for your texts?" Snape asked and Harry nodded briefly.
"Very well," and Snape walked back to his desk and continued his reading.
It took Harry several minutes to calm down enough to open the text and actually get back to his essay and he was pretty sure the cut on his leg was bleeding again. For the remainder of his detention they both remained silent, although Harry could feel Snape staring at him a few times.
'Probably worried I'll snap and start throwing Avada Kedavras around the place' Harry thought bitterly to himself and hurried to finish the essay so he could leave .
It was close to ten when he finished the last paragraph and he stretched out his arms, feeling the sting of his lashes and the pull of too tight muscle. He stood and moved across the room to hand his essay over. Snape barely glanced at him before he plucked the paper from his fingers and gestured with his head that harry was free to leave. He wasted no time in packing up his unused parchment and quill and left the classroom as quickly as he could, limping just a little from the re-opened cut in his leg. He missed the speculative look Snape gave him.
Tomorrows Potions and detention was going to be excruciatingly awkward.