Chapter 10:

Jax POV

After lookin' through some of the file Happy gave us, I got lost in my thoughts. She looked so different now. I try to remember the video and if she had her tattoos but I wasn't sure. I remember when she got each one. She got her first when we were 15, even before me. Mom didn't really bat an eye. She knew it was coming. It's a bird on her shoulder blade. I remember makin' fun of her sayin' how much it was gonna hurt, but, man she didn't bat an eye. Barely moved. It's like she didn't feel a God Damn thing. I remember when Tig and her got tattoos together. I first thought they were gonna do that lame ass shit where it was each other's name or like half a fuckin' heart. It was a little cooler, though. They both got infinity signs on their wrists. I thought it was interesting for Tig cuz he usually got bigger ones. But I liked it. It was simple and I could tell what that meant. I knew Tig was diggin' her when she was only 16. That was a little fucked up but she was always the most adult of all of us. We've all had tough lives but she had it worse. I don't know why the fuck Clay treated her like he did but it was bad. I don't really even know but it was bad. As I think about it, I really think he's the reason she took off and that fuckin' pisses me off.

As I'm just staring out the window, Mom looks at me and says "You okay, baby?"

I don't know how to answer that. No, I'm not. Yesterday I had no clue my sister was still alive. Now I find out she is, she's some successful genius, she's got a kid, a life, friends. She just looks so free. That video man. I keep goin' back to it. When she was signing up there. I swear it was the happiest I seen her in a long time. Sure she and Tig were happy together but they were hot and cold a lot. Or, at least she was. She can be wicked closed off and just have this wall. I'm her twin and I can't even get through sometimes. Tig was able to finally but it took a lot of work, and, oh boy there was a lot of fuckin' drama.

I realize I'm still lost in my thoughts but Mom seems to get it. I finally answer "I don't know." We're talking softly and I hear Tig and Opie having their own conversation. I hear them say "Clay" a few times but I'm too focused on my sister to really listen in.

"Whaddya thinkin' about? I mean, I know, Jess, but you seem stuck in your head" my Mom says. Sometimes I hate how observant she is.

"I'm just remeberin' our life before she left. How hard it was to read her. How she'd push us all away or at least try to. Her and Tig. Her and you. Her and me. Her and Clay… " I pause tryin' to figure out what I'm actually tryin' to say "And then that video. We gotta figure out a way to show it to you. She was just so happy. She just seemed like some sorta weight was off her shoulders or something. It just guts me. I mean, maybe she's still the same and maybe singin's her thing, but the whole thing is weird…"

Gemma nodded. "That girl could be a block of stone when she wanted to be. Frustrated me to no end. All a mother wants is for her kids to be happy and safe but I could never read her and it wasn't like she talked about shit like that a lot. Your Daddy was like that, though. So, maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And she changed a little with Tig, I think. She was easier to read when they got together. I could tell when things were good, I could tell when things were bad. She didn't really ever talk about when they were fightin' but, it was easier to know to help her.. She's just the way she is. Maybe she's changed now. I'm sure her son has changed her. You know that. Hell, Tig just found out he's a Daddy and he's already changing…"

I listen as she talks everything out and nod my head. She's dead on right. Don't surprise me. Gemma knows us in and out.

I look back at Tig and see he's shuttin his eyes. Opie's gotta book, big surprise.

"You think Tig's gonna be okay? You think he's ready for this…?" I ask quietly. Talkin' about someone when they're a few feet away isn't really the best idea, plus, it's Tig and he'd just get annoyed. Tig annoyed stuck in a car with three other people is a bad combination.

She sighs as she lit up a smoke. She takes a long inhale and slowly lets the smoke out. "I don't know, baby."

I wanna ask her somethin' but I don't know how… I gather my thoughts and as simply as possible, I say "You think Clay's the reason she left?" I say it as quietly as possible cuz I know if Tig heard he'd get pissed. Not at me accusing Clay, but, cuz I think he thinks it too..

My mom doesn't say anything for a minute, but, I can tell she's bothered. I don't really know if they love each other, to be honest. I just think it's one of those "they're with each other." She looks over at me and briefly nods. Her eyes are watery and I'm sure it's hard for her. The guy she's choosin' to spend her life with is a possible reason why she lost her daughter.

I know I might be treading dangerously, but, I can't help but ask "Why do you think Clay was so hard on her when we were younger?"

Her answer really surprises me. "As observant as I am, baby, I really didn't even notice. I dunno why and I'm upset with myself. I could tell they didn't get along but whenever we were all together, it was tense but he didn't do anythin' that made me worry…" I heard the guilt in her voice. I didn't want that for her. None of us really pressed Clay or Jess what the fuck was goin' on. Part of me worries if he got physical with her… abusive or even worse. It sickens my stomach and as much as I wanna ask my Mom, I know I can't. That's just too tough…

She suddenly says "Let's take a break. Get outta the car for a few.." I wonder where that came from but maybe she just needs a minute. We've been drivin for like 8 hours without a break so I'm sure we need gas. Looks like we're eastern Nevada, or even Utah. I dunno. I don't even know if Utah is next to Nevada. That's Jess. Not me.

Opie notices Gemma slowin' the car and says "Gemma, everything ok?" I see Tig open his eyes and wonders the same thing.

"Yeah, I'm fine boys. Need to use the little girls room and figured we should stretch our legs. This is a long trip and I know we wanna go straight through… Jax, baby, you wanna drive next?" She says as she parks the truck.

"No problem, Ma. Looks like you could use some rest."

We all get out of the car and take a minute to stretch. It feels good to stand up and be outta there. Part of the reason I love my bike so much is cuz I get the freedom of feelin' the air. I'm not stuck in a box. I'm not some clasterphobic but I it's the freedom of the road. I miss my bike and I know the guys do too but I know it's for the best. Luckily, we haven't seen any bikers yet. We're on a fuckin' Interstate so I don't expect runnin' into any of them until we get off wherever we're goin.

I see my Mom just starin' out into space and I walk over to her. "What's goin' on Mom? I know you're upset. I mean, I know we all are, but tell me…"

She sighs. She looks at me and I can tell she's cryin' even under her sunglasses. "I just can't believe we found my baby. And she's gotta baby." She smiles and chuckles.

"You've been a grandma a lot longer than you thought." I snicker cuz I know at first she didn't like the thought of being a Grandma when I found out Jax was comin'.

She laughs and slaps my arm. "I'm the best grandma there is and I know I'm gonna love Ian the minute I meet him."

I put my arm around her shoulder, and glance back at Tig and Opie. Opie is as Opie does and I can tell Tig's lost in his thoughts. Man… we're all a mess. I guess I'm expecting a lot but I'm hopin' Jess is the one to fix us.