Chapter Eleven
When Madame Pomfrey shook him gently awake a few hours later, he sat up with a gasp.
"Sorry, Mr Potter, but if you wish to make it in time for breakfast, you need to be leaving shortly."
Harry pulled the blankets off and stepped off the bed only to look down and blush when he realised he was still just wearing his pants.
"Nothing I haven't seen before, Mr Potter," he heard laughter in her voice and frowned. "Here," she held out a uniform. "Professor Snape retrieved it from your dorm this morning, although he was kind enough to inform me that he did see nor speak to any of the boys sharing the room with you."
Harry took the uniform, "thanks," he muttered and headed to the small bathroom to change.
"Just put your pyjamas in the clothes hamper, the elves will wash them and return them to your trunk," Madame Pomfrey called out after him and Harry nodded his head before closing the door. Once in the semi privacy of the bathroom he leant over the sink and took several deep breaths.
Pulling the pyjamas of and having to see the bandages adorning his arms was confronting, so he pulled his uniform and robes on hastily. When he went to cast a tooth cleaning charm, he realised that Snape still had his wand from the night before. He slammed out of the bathroom intent on finding the Professor and demanding the return of his wand only to see Madame Pomfrey waiting by the exit with his wand in her hand.
"You may have this back, Mr Potter, but I will tell you now that if we have any further concerns regarding your wellbeing, it will be taken from you until we consider it safe enough to return." Harry paled at the idea of losing his wand for an indeterminate amount of time and nodded vigorously.
"Very well, you had best get to breakfast lest the wrath of Professor Snape fall on your head," the medi-witch smiled at Harry and then followed him from the room. At his frown she smiled again, "It is also time for my breakfast, Mr Potter, I am not following you for any nefarious reasons."
Harry just grunted and continue to the walk to the hall in silence. When he got there, he could see all the boys from his dorm crowded around one end of the Slytherin table and he reluctantly made his way over
Expecting to be asked where he was that morning, Harry was pleasantly surprised when everyone greeted him then went back to their food without prying.
Blaise did look at him with concern in his eyes, but even he didn't ask where Harry had been and he could see why Dumbledore had said he would enjoy the differences in Slytherin. He could see Snape sitting in his usual seat at the head table, and so reached over and prepared himself a small bowl of porridge, decorated with berries and sugar.
Before the idea of having to actually eat the food caused his stomach to rebel too much, a small potions vial appeared next to his bowl. A quick sniff test let him know it was a stomach soother potion and he drank it down quickly. Again, if anyone at the table saw his actions, no one commented and he was able to enjoy his breakfast for the first time in a very long time.
Since it was Sunday, many of the students lingered over their food and when he had finally finished his bowl and sat back to sip slowly at a mug of tea, Blaise turned to him and smiled.
"Did you have any plans for today, Harry?" he asked and Harry shook his head, then shrugged.
"Not really," he replied, "I'll probably do some homework at some point, but otherwise nothing until tonight."
"What's tonight?" Crabbe butt in from his seat on the other side of Blaise, and Harry grimaced and rubbed at the back of his neck before responding.
"Uh, I have a detention," he admitted, gaining the attention of Goyle from across the table as well as Blaise and Crabbe.
"It's Sunday!" Crabbe exclaimed, "who'd give detention on a Sunday?!"
"Professor Snape," Harry mumbled, annoyed but not surprised to see that his Slytherin peers will stick their noses in if they deem it interesting enough. No one asked what the detention was for though, and Harry couldn't tell if that was because it was pretty much a given that he would have detention or if they felt like they had failed in public decorum
.Blaise did raise his eyebrow at Harry though, which made Harry smirk at the Slytherin, who then laughed.
"Would you like to work with me on the astronomy essay?" He asked and Harry nodded in reply and stood up from the table.
"Might as well get started, right? Then we can enjoy some of our day," he told Blaise and together they made their way down to the dungeons. They agreed that the table in their room would work best, as they could spread out their star charts and not get in the way of any one trying to study.
Blaise took the seat next to Harry so they could study their charts together and several times Harry had to fight a blush. Their hands would touch, or Blaise would lean over to examine something and his leg would rest on Harry's. At the end of an hour Harry wasn't sure he had actually remembered any of what they'd learned, but he had a finished essay and his cheeks had finally stopped heating at the slightest touch.
In mutual agreement, they pack up their things and headed back to the common room. The rest of the day was spent pleasantly playing several different wizarding card games, without the rowdiness that would have occurred if Harry was playing with Ron, and a small break for lunch.
The stomach soother appeared by his plate again, and he knew Blaise had definitely seen it that time, but again nothing was said and Harry drank it quickly before eating the sandwich he'd chosen.
He was walking with Blaise, Daphne and Tracey to dinner when Dumbledore found him.
"Excuse me, Misses Greengrass and Davis and Mr Zabini, but might I borrow your companion for a small time?" Dumbledore smiled down at the group and Harry felt the good mood he had held onto all day just vanish.
He waved goodbye to the Slytherins and followed Dumbledore to a room several doors down from the great hall.
"It would cut into too much of our dinner time were we to attempt this meeting in my office, so this room will have to suffice for our needs." the headmaster told Harry, then used his wand to cast several silencing and privacy spells on the door and walls.
"I have spoken with Madame Pomfrey and where I would really like to tell you how disappointed I am it has gotten to such a point as this, I can also empathise with the pressures you have been under the past few years." Dumbledore looked down over his glasses at Harry before conjuring his usual purple, overstuffed chairs and gestured for Harry to sit.
"I have also been told of the preventative measures and treatments you will be receiving, so I simply wish to take this time we have now to let you know that should you need, I have two ears that will happily listen should you find yourself in need of one."
"It's fine, Professor," Harry said, "I'll get back in control and I'll be fine again," Harry told him and fought the urge to look down at the hands he was fiddling with anxiously.
"I have no doubt," Dumbledore responded. "In that case, I cede the situation to the control of Madame Pomfrey and Professor Snape." Dumbledore stood and waved his wand to banish the chairs.
"Remember Harry," he clapped a hand on Harry's shoulder, "I am here if you need, as are Professors Snape and McGonagal and a number of your friends I am sure."
Harry forced a smiled and waited until the privacy spells had been removed before heading to the great hall. He took his seat next to Blaise and spying the stomach soother already in place, snatched it up and gulped it down. There were hippogriffs stampeding through his stomach.
The potion did little to settle the turmoil at his reminder of last night's actions and consequences. He'd succeeded in pushing it to the back of his mind all day, and now it was overwhelming him. He knew he'd been too calm the night before.
Looking up at the head table he could see both Dumbledore and Snape watching him and so despite feeling like he needed to run from the room, he leant over and started piling random food on his plate. He ate nothing of it, occasionally bringing his empty fork up to his mouth in a semblance of eating and stirring the food around on his plate.
Dinner seemed to last an eternity, and when the students finally stood up from the benches and starting leaving, Harry breathed a deep sigh of relief then stood so fast he knocked over his goblet of pumpkin juice.
"Harry?" Blaise asked looking at him in concern and Harry swallowed the saliva pooling in his mouth harshly, trying to respond.
"Sorry, just uh, got to get to detention." He told Blaise, who frowned.
"It's not for twenty minutes or so, is it?"
"Yeah," Harry swallowed again, "but I need to do something before." Harry explained then after apologising again he quickly left the hall. He made his way to the closest bathroom available and just barely managed to reach the toilet before leaning over and violently heaving.
He was sweating and his heart was racing and he knew the panic attack he had been fighting against since Dumbledore spoke to him was looming closer and closer so he did the only thing he could think of and slammed his head as hard as he could against the door of the stall.
When that pushed back the dark edges of his panic attack, he repeated the action until his vison was going dark for an entirely different reason. The panic a little more under control, he flushed the contents of the toilet, then closed the lid to carefully clamber up to take a seat
The throbbing in his head bought back a little more clarity, and after reaching back to ensure there was no bleeding he exited the stall to wash his hands and splash water over his face. Haunted eyes stared back at him in the mirror, and he quickly cast a glamour upon his face to hide the bruising and redness that lined his eyes.
"Okay," he said to himself, then repeated, "Okay."
He could do this. One week of Snape looming over him in the dungeons, then he would be back in the tower and hopefully forgotten about. It's not like Snape actually liked him or cared, it was just because he was a Slytherin at the moment. Snape was obligated to pretend to care.
He could go a week without cutting, couldn't he? It's not like he hadn't stopped for a long time before. His longest had been almost a year without cutting, he could definitely go a week. He would go to his detention, and he'd see Madame Pomfrey or Snape and show them his arms and everything would eventually go back to the way it was with no one truly caring about Harry Potter.
He spent so long in the bathroom trying to get his emotions under control that it was several minutes past seven when he finally emerged. He had however succeed, and was once again stoic and dispassionate as he made his way to the dungeons, unable to even find concern when he realised he would be almost fifteen minutes late.
When he finally entered the classroom Professor Snape was standing by his usual table with a stack of papers in his hand and a small container of red ink.
"You're late, Mr Potter," he ground out, obviously angry, but Harry was too far in his head to react with any real emotion and continued on his way through the classroom to stop and stand by his usual chair.
Snape eyed Harry distrustfully, obviously trying to figure out what Harry's game was, but when Harry coned to appear to be waiting patiently, Snape huffed angrily and set the paper and ink on the table with enough force to shake it.
"You will be marking the first years' essays on common potion plants found around Hogwarts. As you cannot be trusted with either my ingredients cupboard, nor a knife to prepare said ingredients, there is little else I can have you do." he seemed to eye Harry for a moment
"However, if you wish instead sit down with me and discuss the basis of your continued nightmares, you may do so instead." This brought Harry back a little from the fog that surrounded him and his head shot up to stare at Snape before frowning.
"I'll do the essays, thanks," he told the professor and reached over to pull the top one on the pile closer to him.
"Very well," Snape responded and left Harry with the pile of parchments to move over to his desk and his own significantly larger pile. Time passed rather quickly, with no sound but the scratch of quill on paper, and Harry occasionally mumbling quietly to himself. Once he had marked the last of his pile of essays he looked up to see Snape watching him.
"I'm done," he told him unnecessarily and Snape inclined his head.
"Show me your arms," Snape demanded and Harry rolled his sleeves up almost to his arm pits so Snape could remove the bandages and examine them. "They are healed enough now that you may forgo the bandages if you so wish." he commented and Harry nodded once and pulled his sleeves down again.
"You may go back to Slytherin, then Mr Potter, but be aware that I will be watching you closely."
Harry was exhausted by the time he made it to his dorm room in the dungeons and for the first time found himself reluctant to talk to Blaise. The Slytherin was sitting cross-legged on his bed with a large book placed over his knees but looked up and smiled at Harry when he entered the room.
Harry forced himself to return the smile as he moved toward his own bed, seeking the privacy and security of his bed curtains. Blaise seemed to sense his reluctance to socialise and instead of pushing Harry like Ron or Hermione would have, he bid him goodnight quietly and went back to reading his book.
Harry gratefully mumbled a "night" in return and after using the bathroom and dressing in his pyjamas in a shower stall, he climbed into his bed and pulled the curtains around him, breathing deeply as darkness settled around him.
He cast his usual spells at the curtains, though he had no intention of falling asleep tonight and simply lay back on his pillows and closed his eyes, mentally counting the hours he had left as a temporary Slytherin. He could do this.
He couldn't do this. It was only Tuesday morning and he was hanging on to his sanity by a thread. He hadn't slept since Saturday night, Snape was constantly watching him and his Slytherins had seemed to pick up on it, as most of the sixth years and several fifth and seventh years seemed to be watching him too and last night he'd made a fool of himself when Goyle caught him blushing at the sight of a towel wrapped Blaise stepping from the shower.
Blaise had winked at him when Goyle pointed it out, but that only served to further Harry's mortification and have him thinking what the wink could have meant for half the night. The itch that seemed to live just under the skin had flared up so bad that he found himself desperate to scratch constantly.
He had to report to Snape every night for a check on his arms, both to be sure his current cuts were healing and to ensure there were no new ones. He was already running out of excuses to tell his dorm mates why he disappeared for twenty minutes every night, although they thankfully kept their curiosity mostly to themselves.
And so, with all of that weighting down on his shoulders, Harry found himself hiding in a stall in Moaning Myrtles bathroom with his blade clutched in his fingers. The Slytherin common room and dorm might be monitored, but he, Ron and Hermione had managed to brew an illicit potion in here in second year and not be discovered, so he figured that other than needing to keep a eye out for Myrtle, he should be safe from prying eyes.
He played the blade through his fingers for several minutes, debating where he could cut without it being found if Snape decided to do a more thorough examination. Harry had finally discovered the limitations of the glamour charm – the more you had to hide away, the more power required to keep them hidden. His charms work and defence magics had been suffering from the drain on his power levels, so to save energy and not drain his core, he had taken to leaving the glamour off his arms entirely and staying hidden with long sleeves and the protection of his robes.
Finally decided, Harry sat on the closed lid of the toilet and lifted his foot onto his lap to pull of his sock and shoe. Minutes later, he was exiting the stall with several fresh cuts and a shoe stuffed with toilet roll but feeling so much lighter.
He was just outside the library when he ran into Hermione with a clearly reluctant Ron following behind her, his head buried in a magazine.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione stopped quickly, forcing Ron to swerve awkwardly so as not to run into her.
"Hey," he protested, "what'd you stop for?"
"Hey Hermione, hey Ron," Harry greeted and Ron looked up from his quidditch magazine to smile at his friend.
"Hey mate, where you been? Those Snakes tie you up in the dungeons when you're not in class?" he was clearly only half joking and Hermione elbowed him hard enough in the stomach that he grunted.
"Sorry," he mumbled, not looking at all sorry and Harry grinned at the predictability of his friend, even if he still hadn't learnt to stop being prejudiced against the houses.
"Sorry, guys, I've just been doing homework and stuff, or sitting around the common room trying to encourage inter house unity." he smiled at them and Hermione grinned back.
"Fair enough, Harry, you'll be back in the tower before you know it," Hermione replied.
"Yeah," Harry said then rocked back on his heels feeling strangely uncomfortable. "Anyway, I better get going, Snape has a coronary if any of us miss a meal or whatever," he told his friends and Hermione admonished him.
"It's Professor Snape, Harry." Harry just shook his head and with a wave over his shoulder he was on his way to the great hall.
Despite the exhaustion that once again weighed down on him, making his bones feel like they were made of lead and is head of cotton wool, he had a spring in his step when he made his way over to take his seat next to Blaise.
"You're chipper this morning," Daphne commented and Harry threw her a smile.
"Yep," he replied, succinctly and helped himself to a piece of toast and the marmalade, ignoring the potion that appeared next to him at every meal now. When he didn't pick it up after a few minutes, it disappeared and Harry happily took a bite of his toast.
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Snape at the teachers table, eyeing him covertly and his smile deepened, which only caused Snape to frown harder.
"Did you sleep well then Harry?" Blaise asked and Harry drew his attention away from Snape and back to the table.
"Sort of," he dissembled and finished eating his slice of toast before taking an apple from the fruit bowl in front of him and taking a large bite.
"Well, whatever you did, keep doing it," Blaise smiled at him and Harry laughed, causing several heads to turn around and stare at him, which he ignored.
"I plan on it," he told the Slytherin, then stood from the table. "I left my bag in the dorm, I'd better grab it before class starts, wouldn't want Professor Snape to ruin my good mood by giving me detention for being late to class." He received smiles from several of the people around the table and with one last look at the teachers table to smile at Snape, he left the hall and headed back to the dungeons for his schoolbag.
The rest of the day passed easily, with his good mood lasting well into the evening. Even his nightly check-in with Snape didn't bother him like it usually did, which only served to confuse the Professor and entertain Harry.
But once he was behind the privacy of his bed curtains, the smile fell off his face and his shoulders slumped in exhaustion. He wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep. If he didn't, it would only be a matter of time before everything caught back up to him and he risked ending back up in the hospital wing.
Harry lay down on his pillows in the dark and hoped with all his might that he slept for just a little while before the dreams woke him. Just before he fell asleep he made sure to cast a silencing charm on his bed curtains.
He did manage a couple of hours before the nightmares jolted him awake him a scream, but the silencing charm held and he didn't need to run to the bathroom to vomit, so after a few seconds of incredible frustration, Harry picked up his wand and cast a lumos charm.
He pulled the blade from his robes slung over his bedpost and settled down into his pillows. He didn't want to do his feet again, as that might cause him to start limping and with how much he was being watched there was no way he wouldn't be questioned.
He eyed his hand. The scar from Umbridge had mostly faded now, and unless people were looking for it specifically no one noticed it. Harry bent his fingers in as far as they could go, making a tight fist of his left hand and drew the blade over the crease in one of his knuckles. The sting was sharp and the blood welled up quicker than he expected, causing him to hiss in surprise. Experimenting, he cleaned the blood then relaxed his hand.
He could barely make out the small cut within the knuckle crease and with a smile on his face, proceeded to cut several more times over several of his knuckles. By the end of it there was a pleasant sting on both his hand and several drops of blood on his blankets. He cleaned up as best he could and after returning the blade to his robes, he lay down. With his hands tingling pleasantly, Harry drifted back to sleep.
When he next awoke he sat up in shock. Finally! He'd managed to get some sleep without a potion and without more nightmares. He got up and moved out into the dorm to grab some clothes from his trunk and padded into the bathroom where Blaise and Goyle were both brushing their teeth.
"Morning," Harry greeted happily and Blaise turned to smile at him, then immediately frowned.
"What's that?" he asked and pointed to a spot on Harry's pyjama top. Startled Harry looked down to see a small dark stain and for a second his face displayed his panic before he got back under control. As nonchalantly as he could he pick up his shirt, revealing his un marked glamoured stomach and sniffed at the stain.
"Uh," he forced a blush into his cheeks, "its chocolate." he lied and Goyle snorted out a laugh.
Hastily, he removed the shirt and threw it into a nearby hamper then moved to a shower stall.
"That'll teach me to eat chocolate in bed," he said as he pulled the curtain shut, refusing to look at Blaise lest the Slytherin read the lie on his face.
"Suppose so," he heard Blaise mutter before he turned on the shower head. He undressed the rest of the way and stepped under the spray. It had turned into a morning ritual to let all his glamours drop while he showered, enjoying the relief as the spell stopped draining on his magic.
The regular meals he'd eaten over the last couple of days were already helping fill him out a little more and where he still looked amazingly thin, he no longer looked like one of those children he used to see on the ads on the Dursleys television.
His scars though, they were as stark as ever against his skin, and so numerous he'd given up counting them long ago. He only knew he'd finally given himself more than his uncle had ever given him, even if his back half was covered in them.
When he washed his hair, the sting of the soap on his knuckles was a pleasant reminder of his latest cuts and brought his panic from earlier back down so that by the time he was out of the shower, re glamoured and dressed, he was feeling as light as he had yesterday, which he figured was as close to happy as he was ever going to get.
He walked down to the great hall with all his new friends from sixth year and took his usual seat next to Blaise. Once again ignoring the potions vial that appeared in front of his plate, he helped himself to a bowl of fruit salad and munched quietly as conversation went on around him.
The day passed uneventfully until he was sitting in the Slytherin common room playing a game of chess with Blaise, who was attempting to teach him strategy quite unsuccessfully. His hand was hovering over a rook, trying to decide what to do when Blaise reached out and snatched it into his own.
"What happened to your hand?" he asked and moved to pull his hand closer and inspect it. Harrry snatched his hand back and pulled it into his chest before realising that action spoke volumes more than he wanted.
"Nothing," he lied and Blaise looked at him with a raised eye brow.
"It doesn't look like nothing," he pointed out and Harry grimaced, attempting to think on his feet even as his heart thudded in his chest.
"I was helping Neville in one of the greenhouses earlier and some plant got me," he finally responded and Blaise's eyebrow raised even higher.
"We had herbology with you, Harry." he pointed out and Harry almost groaned in frustration.
"I meant after school. Like, earlier, when I disappeared, I was going to help Neville, then the plant got me and I decided he could get someone who actually knew what they were doing to help him." Shit this lie was getting more and more detailed and would completely unravel if Blaise decided to ask Neville about it. Rule number one of lying was keep it simple, for fucks sake.
Blaise eyed him for a moment longer. "Why didn't you go to Madame Pomfrey? She would have fixed your hand in minutes." Blaise pointed out and Harry shrugged his shoulders.
"She sees me enough," he replied honestly and Blaise was forced to smile.
"You are a little accident prone," he said.
"Oy," Harry protested, then laughed, "Okay, I'll give you that one."
Harry leaned over the board and moved his rook and the game continued so by the time Blaise had soundly defeated him, his heart was beating normally and the Slytherin was no longer eyeing him worriedly.
That night though, Blaise grabbed Harry's hand in his right before Harry went to climb into bed and he was forced to turn and face him. He blushed again at finding his hand in Blaise's and his heart leaped a little when he noticed the blush staining Blaise's cheeks as well.
"I'll be here, Harry," he said, "if and when you want someone to talk to. I'll be here." Blaise didn't let him respond, only squeezed his hand once then let go and stepped quickly across the room to climb into his bed and pull the curtains shut. Harry didn't sleep that night.
Friday morning arrived, and he had several more cuts adorning his feet and hips and inner thighs, but he'd managed to last the entire week in Slytherin without earning more detentions or being killed in his bed. He'd even gotten to sleep most nights.
There was only one more day and one more night to get through and he would be back in the tower. He'd miss the company of some of the Slytherins, but they could still meet outside classes and at meals. And hopefully being further away from Snape would result in the man backing off in his 'care' and Harry could move about the castle without feeling like he was constantly being watched.
"Just one more day," he mumbled.