A/N: not sure how happy I am with this chapter, but there you go :)
I would like to thank the few people who have reviewed, favorited or followed and encourage others to do so. I can't improve if I don't know what I'm doing wrong:)
Justsmile:)
Chapter Fourteen He had only been reading for a short time when Snape knocked once on the door to his bedroom, then opened it and stopped just in the doorway.
"It is past the usual time for dinner, Mr Potter, you will come and eat something." he told Harry who reluctantly put his book down on the bed and stood to follow Snape out to sit on the chair he had sat on earlier. As soon as he had seated himself an elf popped into the room with two plates balanced on its hands, causing Harry to startle once more. He resisted the urge to frown at the elf, knowing how sensitive they were and instead scowled at Snape.
"I'm not hungry," he told him.
"I don't much care for your comfort in the matter, Mr Potter. You will eat, regardless of hunger. Would you like a stomach soother?"
Harry just shook his head, and picked up the plate closest to him to balance on his lap. Snape conjured a lap tray to place his plate and Harry frowned but didn't ask him to conjure one for himself. He awkwardly ate a small amount of the potatoes and meat on his plate and when his stomach started swirling in protest he placed the plate back down onto the small table.
"You will have a stomach soother at your next meal, Potter, and at everyone after that until I am satisfied with the amount you are eating" Snape told him after frowning at the amount of food Harry had left on his plate.
"Whatever," Harry replied resentfully, then went to stand.
"You will remain there, Mr Potter. I believe you owe me a detention." Snape told him as he placed his own empty plate on the table, which were both removed moments later by the house-elf.
"I think we will use the time we have in this detention to get started on your therapy, as such that it is." Snape told him, then leant back into the cushions behind him in a pose of comfort Harry had never thought to see him in.
"What?" he protested. "No. Just give me lines or an essay or something. I'll even clean the bathroom."
"No, Mr Potter, we have to start somewhere, now may as well be the time to begin."
Harry sat back in his own chair and crossed his arms across his chest, regarding his teacher in complete silence, lips pursed shut and frown upon his face. Neither spoke for several minutes, the only sound a clock ticking from the wall nearby, and finally Snape sighed quietly.
"We will remain here until you do speak, Mr Potter, and I assure you, you will get bored or find you need the bathroom or to go to sleep long before I even begin to get uncomfortable." Snape told him lowly and Harry growled and threw his hands up in frustration.
"I don't know what you want from me!" he declared.
"Why don't you begin with the content of your dreams that keep you awake or drive you to illness?" Snape asked and Harry clenched his fists and bit the inside of his cheek. Snape's eyes narrowed at the sound of a small alarm and Harry jumped slightly when he realised that the alarm was because of him.
"Seriously?!" he asked, voice cracking, "I just bit my cheek!"
"All forms of self-injury, Mr Potter. The quieter the charm, the lesser the injury. They are also recorded on parchment, so if I am somewhere I cannot hear the alarm, I am still able to look at the parchment. I will not cause trouble, however, for the occasional cheek bite, or scratch, as I understand the addiction element to your situation. I will expect you however, to seek out alternative stress relievers that do not harm your person in any way"
Harry frowned all the way through Snape's explanations, but did stop biting his cheek.
"Now, would you like to begin?"
"Fine!" Harry exclaimed. "What do you want to know?"
"Let's begin the content of your latest nightmare, shall we?" Snape asked and Harry huffed and resisted the urge to bite his cheek again.
"I was back in the department of mysteries. Only, instead of Sirius falling through the veil, the death eaters over powered everyone and were forcing all my friends to walk through it. Only when they stepped into it, they didn't just disappear, but they were pulled apart. There were little bits of them flying all over the place and Voldemort was standing in the centre of all their parts like it was confetti or something and laughing."
Harry described his latest dream then had to fight the nausea that threatened. Snape offered him a vial and he swallowed if without bothering to ask what it was. He was grateful when his stomach settled back down and the nausea became more bearable.
"I can understand how that could make you physically ill." Snape commented and Harry leant his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.
"Are they all similar to that?" He pushed and Harry responded but didn't bother raising his head or opening his eyes.
"No," he told Snape, "sometimes they follow pretty much the events as they were. The time I killed Quirrel with my bare hands, or killed the basilisk and almost died, or saw Cedric get killed in the cemetery for being a 'spare.' And then sometimes they're a mix of all those events and have mutated way beyond the actual happenings. That's when they become even more gruesome." Harry confesses and Snape frowned.
"All of those events actually occurred?" he asked and Harry snorted and raised his head to look at Snape.
"I think if you truly wanted to help me you might need to speak to Dumbledore to get all the facts. If I'm to relive them as I tell you about my dreams, I will not relive them now."
Snape nodded his head and stood. "Very well, Mr Potter, I thank you for the start you have made in finding a way to heal. You may complete your detention in your room finishing any work that needs to be done."
Harry just nodded and pulled himself up slowly, then he dragged himself to his rooms where he flopped heavily down on his bed and hid his head in his pillow. When he was sure Snape wasn't going to follow him to his room, he allowed his tears to fall.
He sobbed quietly into his pillow until he fell asleep.
His nightmare's that night were of the more gruesome variety and he woke Snape in the early hours of the morning as he barrelled his way into the bathroom to vomit. Snape stood silently by until he had finished being sick and then calmly offered him yet another stomach soother. Harry gulped it down and stumbled back to his bed to hide his head under the pillow and hope for just a little more sleep.
He woke in the morning with a headache and sore eyes and was about to run his finger nails down the length of his arm to drag his mind out of sleep when he remembered the monitoring bracelet.
"Fuck," he exclaimed and rolled over to glare at the roof. Snape found him like this a little while later, and when directed, he reluctantly stood and followed him back the lounge area where two plates of breakfast waited.
He was handed a stomach soother and took it without protest before he sat down to eat the eggs and toast piled on his plate.
"It is Sunday, so you have no classes, but I do not want you moping around these rooms all day. You are free to go to the library, or the Slytherin common room, and I expect to see you in the great hall for lunch and dinner. You will return here after dinner to continue speaking with me." Snape explained as Harry ate.
"Fine," he mumbled around a mouthful of eggs and enjoyed the flicker of distaste on his professors face.
Breakfast was finished in silence and after pulling on some clean clothes in his room and brushing his teeth, he was essentially pushed from the rooms like an unwanted pet and left to stand in the stone hallway alone.
He stood for several minutes, until he heard the sound of the wall opening up just ahead and saw several Slytherins leave their common room. He decided the library was probably the best place for privacy that was allowed to him, and so followed behind the Slytherins quietly until he could branch off and head to the library.
He found a table toward the back of the room and after pulling a random book off the shelf to look like he was busy, he settled down for a long and boring day. After a while he got bored enough to actually open the book he pulled from the shelf and attempt to read it. Unfortunately, it seemed to be one on arithmancy and he had no idea what it was talking about.
He was still on page one, having read the introduction numerous times and feeling like it was written in a language other than English when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat.
"Is it true?" Dean and Seamus stood there with identical frowns on their face and Harry returned the expression.
"What are on about?" he asked, bewildered.
"What they're saying," Seamus responded. "Were you attacked again?"
"What are Ron and Hermione saying?" Harry asked back and they both shrugged.
"They say they're mad at you for some reason, but that it's none of our business."
"Well, there you go," Harry said, "they might be really bad, unsupportive, sticky-nosed friends, but at least they're not backstabbers."
Seamus's nose wrinkled in confusion and Dean shook his head.
"But it is our business," he pushed, "if there's still death eaters in the school attacking you, what's to stop them from attacking the rest of us if you're not around?"
"Fuck you," Harry said and stood up, leaving the book he was attempting to read behind and walking away to the protests of both boys and the loud shushing of Madame Pince.
He'd only been in the library for a little while, but clearly that option was out if he wanted to be left alone. Unfortunately, with his restrictions it left only a couple of places he could go. The Slytherin common room was out, even if the people there had been made aware that he was a 'temporary Slytherin' still. Blaise and the others could be there and he wasn't ready for that confrontation just yet.
With only one place left to go, Harry made his way to the great hall. It was still a way off lunch yet, and so the hall was fairly empty. There were some people clumped in groups around the hall, however, most playing loud games of cards or gobstones with people from different houses and Harry was kicking himself for not having thought to grab a book of his own to read.
He managed to find an abandoned newspaper at the Ravenclaw table and after snatching it up quickly when no one was looking, he moved to a corner of the room and slunk down on the floor.
He used the paper to help shield his face to the room and then started to read.
He was on the last page, although he honestly could not recall a single thing of what he had read, when he heard the lunch hour toll and looked up to find more people in the room and others making their way in.
Unsure which house he was supposed to eat at and not liking the thought of either the Gryffindor or the Slytherin table, he made his way over to the very end of the Hufflepuff table and sat there. As the table filled he was given some curious looks, although no one actually approached him so he figured they could look all they liked.
When lunch appeared, a vial of stomach soother appeared next to his plate and he looked up to see Snape regarding him from the teachers table with an eyebrow raised. Hary smirked and shrugged his shoulders, but drank the potion then helped himself to some food.
He took his time over lunch, knowing he had nowhere to go afterwards. Everyone seemed to understand he wasn't in the mood to talk though, as they left him alone, only whispering amongst themselves briefly before going back to their normal conversations.
Eventually, even with the stomach soother, he could eat no more and so he stood and left the hall. Now he had nowhere to go that didn't run the risk of running into someone he didn't want to, so he made his way back down to the dungeons. When he reached the part in the passage that would open Snape's quarters, he kept going further until he came to a dead end.
Here he slid down the wall until his back was against the cold stone and he could pull his knees into his chest. He laid his head onto his knees and closed his eyes.
He was jolted awake from a nightmare of his uncle Vernon a while later and casting a tempus was dismayed to see that dinner had already begun. Harry pushed himself to his feet with a groan as his back and thighs protested their hours of sitting on a cold stone floor, and hurried back down the passage and towards the great hall.
Quite a few heads turned as he entered, but it wasn't such an uncommon occurrence for someone to arrive late that most just kept chatting with their friends. He took the same spot at the Hufflepuff table that he had sat at earlier and resisted the urge to look over at either of the Gryffindor or Slytherin tables.
The stomach soother appeared in front of him and he drank if before piling whatever was in reach onto his plate. He ate fast this time, and as soon as he saw Snape leave the head table he stood and left the hall too. He was waiting impatiently outside the door when Snape finally appeared and muttered the password and he scowled as he entered after his professor.
"Why don't I know the password?" he asked grumpily and Snape turned to raise his eyebrow at the petulant tone coming from the teenager.
"When you can be trusted, I will give it to you. Until then, you will either be in here, or you will be expected to be elsewhere, and do not need the password."
Harry didn't bother responding and instead stomped down the hall to his room and through himself onto the bed. Snape appeared in the doorway several minutes later and looked him over.
"You will come back to the living area, Potter, and we will continue on with last nights' discussion."
Harry scowled and swore under his breath, getting another raised eye brow, and grudgingly lifted himself off the bed and followed Snape once more. He took his usual seat and then sat silently as Snape ordered a tea service from the house elf.
To Harry's surprise, Snape poured him a cup of tea and offered it before pouring one for himself and settling back into his chair to regard Harry with a serious expression.
"Albus has informed me of some of your more...thrilling...adventures, and I must say I am astonished you had not cracked earlier."
"I'm not cracked now," Harry responded and then scowled when Snape once again raised an eyebrow.
"I beg to differ, Potter. You are suffering from a self-harm addiction, another close addiction to dreamless sleep, nightly nightmares or no sleep and are pushing your friends away."
Harry put his cup down and scooted back into his chair to pull his knees up and to his chest as a shield.
"Fine!" he declared, "you're right, I am broken, but yeah, I think I'm entitled to a little breakdown now that Voldemort is gone. I did my duty, so why can't you people just leave me alone? I'm not hurting anyone but myself. Just leave me alone." He whispered the last bit and hid his face in his knees.
"Precisely, Mr Potter," Snape answered and Harry looked up at him in confusion.
"You did defeat the Dark Lord, and you have been through much, continued to go through it this summer, but you are hurting yourself. You deserve to have a rest and enjoy the next few years of your schooling here, with your friends both old and new."
"I don't have any friends," Harry mumbled and Snape snorted.
"Don't be so dramatic, Potter, the rest of the Golden Trio are no doubt eagerly awaiting your return to the tower, and I know several of my Slytherins consider you a friend."
"I'm not talking to Ron and Hermione at the moment," Harry explained, "And Blaise is a backstabber."
"Why do you say that, Mr Potter."
"He told you about my feet and stuff, and if he hadn't mentioned it you wouldn't have even thought about looking at my back," he explained petulantly and Snape scowled before putting his own empty cup down and leaning forward.
"You do understand, Mr Potter, that Mr Zabini had your best interests at heart. He saw you hurting in a way he didn't understand and couldn't help with, and so did the best thing he could at the time. You were there though, he did not reveal how the scars came to be on your back."
Harry closed his eyes against the logic and tried not to think but it was too hard and he blurted out.
"If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. I'd be back in the tower where people left me alone."
"You would still be here, Mr Potter. Albus and I have been discussing it on and off for a week now." Snape told him and Harry frowned.
"What do you mean? My exchange time was over Saturday, you couldn't have kept me here."
"Did you even read the contract you signed?" Snape asked and Harry nodded his head, then blushed and shook it when Snape kept staring at him.
"Most of it, okay, but it was long and Dumbledore explained it was basically just a promise that I would behave myself." Harry told him and wrapping his arms around his knees, pulled them closer.
"That is correct, but it also stated that each head of house had the right to keep the exchangee if it was thought they would do better in their new house."
"What?" Harry exploded, "then why the fuck didn't Dumbledore tell me that? I wouldn't have signed the bloody thing!"
"Language," Snape said succinctly then poured himself a fresh cup of tea before continuing,
"The war changed things, Mr Potter, and a lot of people were probably scared to reveal their true selves, or enter a house that seemed unexpected. We wished to give those students still attending a second chance at a better school experience."
"It's still bullshit," Harry mumbled "it was probably just everyone's way to try and control me yet again. I'm sick of nor being in control!" Harry yelled and threw himself from the couch to pace back and forth.
"If that were the case, Ms Granger would not have needed to face a panel of faculty members to argue her case in continuing to stay in Gryffindor." Snape told him cooly and Harry stopped his pacing to stare at the professor.
"Hermione?" he asked and Snape nodded.
"Yes, while she is providing exemplary work in all her classes, it is believed she could improve further if she was to make friends and surround herself with people who are just as enthused about learning as she is."
"But she stayed in Gryffindor?" Harry asked worriedly.
"Yes," Snape responded, "her intellect aside, her bravery and loyalty have already been shown many times over and she is also a prime candidate for a Lion," Snape sneered at the name but continued. "She was ultimately given the choice, and chose to remain where she is."
Harry didn't realise he was holding his breath until he was able to relax and exhale.
"So why don't I get the choice?" he asked when he could finally think again.
"You will, Mr Potter, when your judgement can be trusted that you will genuinely choose the house you believe you could excel in, and not simply the house you believe you can disappear into."
Harry moved back around to sit on his seat. "I just want control back," he said pitifully and Snape poured him another cup of tea and offered it over.
"Which is why we will continue to have these nightly sessions." he stated then sat back in his chair to sip his own drink. They sat in silence until their cups were empty and Harry stood.
"Goodnight, Mr Potter," Snape told him and Harry paused for a moment before responding.
"Goodnight, Professor."
Harry had a shower, washing as quickly and thoroughly as he could without actually looking down at himself. He had been forbidden from using a glamour anywhere on his body after the drain to his core had been discovered and he knew if he looked he'd want to make more, so avoided the temptation.
When he woke again that night, jolted from a dream about the chamber of secrets where Riddle turned into a Vampire and killed Ginny before attacking Harry, Snape was already in his room with a calming draught.
Harry drank the potion and hesitantly described the dream to Snape at his request. His gums and lips were bleeding at the end of it, and he was pretty certain he had crescent shaped cuts in his palms, but Snape was surprisingly patient and when Harry laid back down to try and sleep again, he felt a little lighter.
Snape woke him in the morning in time for breakfast in the great hall before class and it was with great reluctance that he left the relative safety and peace of Snape's personal quarters.
He ate quickly, and only a little, then headed straight to his first class of the day. He was still following the Slytherin schedule, but no one seemed surprised when he appeared in their classes, so he just kept to himself.
Blaise kept throwing looks at him all morning, but left him alone, which made Harry feel grateful and extremely lonely at the same time. He sat next to Goyle in most of his classes, as he had no issue with the boy and his dark humour was entertaining.
At lunch, he sat back at the Hufflepuff table which had grown so used to his presence no one even looked sideways when he sat down and helped himself to a sandwich. However, several heads turned when Blaise took the empty spot nest to him and also helped himself to a sandwich. Harry tried ignoring him, but gave up half way through the first half of his food.
"What?" he asked gruffly and then felt bad when he saw Blaise wince.
"For what it's worth, Harry, I am incredibly sorry that you feel like I broke your confidence. I won't give you excuses or platitudes or anything like that. I would just like to offer my sincere apologies."
Harry frowned down at the food in his hand for so long that Blaise finally placed his uneaten food on the plate in front of him and went to stand.
"Wait," Harry said, and threw his hand out to grab the Slytherin by the arm.
"I guess you didn't really do anything wrong." he confessed, "Snape has explained it to me from your prospective and I guess if a year ago it had been Ron in my shoes and me in yours, I'd have done something similar to what you did." Harry shrugged his shoulders, "Doesn't make the feeling of betrayal any less, but I can't really be angry."
"I really am sorry," Blaise repeated himself and sat back down. "I understand if you don't want to be friends any more, but the others are missing you and I don't want you to feel like you can't come to the Slytherin common room."
Harry just shrugged his shoulders, so Blaise continued. "Snape told us all that you were staying a Slytherin for now."
"What did he tell you?" Harry asked sharply, before looking up to face Blaise with panic on his face.
"Nothing bad," he was quick to re-assure, "just about how the contracts we signed talked about the professors being able to keep us in the new house and how there was some issue with which one you should belong to. He said you're technically a Slytherin and although you're staying somewhere else for now, you will still be in our classes and that you are welcome in the common room."
Harry breathed easier at the explanations Snape had provided, and although Blaise had to know there was more to it than that, the Slytherin still wanted to be his friend.
"Just thinks about joining us in the common room, maybe have a game of chess with me or one of the others." Blaise asked, then stood once more. "You know where to find us," he told Harry and after touching a hesitant hand to Harry's shoulder he walked away.
Harry ate the rest of his lunch in a contemplative silence.